Saturday, Mr B spent the day at his moms with the baby. He then tells me he wants to spend the night over there with him. Maybe I shouldn't have been, but I was upset. Our kids don't get that kind of time with Mr B, let alone, one on one time. All the weeks sadness and hurt came to the surface and I just started to cry. So he told me he understood and he would spend his evening with us. Mr B then went out with our brother in law to dump some stuff. They ended up drinking -by the way, I told Mr B next time he got drunk, I was leaving- and Mr B had too much. I was talking to him on the phone and he kept saying he wanted to come pick me up and we could go out. We were at my moms and the kids were in bed, so it would be no big deal, but I didn't want to go to a bar, thinking at the time that I was pregnant and I didn't want to be around him while he was drunk. I was FUMING...so mad. I told him I didn't want to go to a bar and he said we wouldn't. I asked where we would be going and he just kept saying "Out". I was beyond done with the conversation. I told him I didn't want to go. He said he would drop our brother in law off and then be over. (Yes, he was driving, which made the whole thing even worse)
When he finally made it over he wanted to talk and denied that he had too much to drink...ok, I know when Mr B is drunk and he was. So I asked him what I should do and he told me that he would ask permission to drink from now on. That is not what I want. He is a big boy and needs to make decisions on his own. Me making him quit is not going to work. Seriously at this point, I feel like he should just go stay with his parents...we could separate for a while and he could get to know the baby without worrying what I am going to think. He says he will stop. He will only drink if he is with me and I say its ok...whatever...I am tired of dealing with the whole mess.
The next day, we go to church. Pastor Clint talks about hero's. About excellence. How being excellent is "doing the best you can with what you've got." He talked about living by faith and the legacy you leave behind. I could hear God talking to me. I cried...I didn't want to hear it. I don't want to do it. I want to be done. I want to start over. - None of that is in God's plans. I told Mr B last night that I would start to see the baby again, but only at his mom's house so I could continue to keep our kids protected. He is planning on having the baby spend the night on Friday, so we will be staying with my mom. The anxiety has returned. The hurt and the unhappiness is back, but I know I am doing what God wants and at the end, only good things can come from his will. So I am stepping out in faith knowing God is going to hold me up.
It sucks to feel like your husband has a separate life from you. I hate that he loves the baby...I know that its not the baby's fault, but I can't help but not like him. I am praying that God gives me a love for him. That God gives me a yearning to see him, like I do with my own, but right now, I don't. So here I go...Journeying on a life I don't want and a pain I can't heal. Its all in God's hands now.