Monday, January 19, 2009

This Weekend Sucked

Saturday, Mr B spent the day at his moms with the baby. He then tells me he wants to spend the night over there with him. Maybe I shouldn't have been, but I was upset. Our kids don't get that kind of time with Mr B, let alone, one on one time. All the weeks sadness and hurt came to the surface and I just started to cry. So he told me he understood and he would spend his evening with us. Mr B then went out with our brother in law to dump some stuff. They ended up drinking -by the way, I told Mr B next time he got drunk, I was leaving- and Mr B had too much. I was talking to him on the phone and he kept saying he wanted to come pick me up and we could go out. We were at my moms and the kids were in bed, so it would be no big deal, but I didn't want to go to a bar, thinking at the time that I was pregnant and I didn't want to be around him while he was drunk. I was mad. I told him I didn't want to go to a bar and he said we wouldn't. I asked where we would be going and he just kept saying "Out". I was beyond done with the conversation. I told him I didn't want to go. He said he would drop our brother in law off and then be over. (Yes, he was driving, which made the whole thing even worse)

When he finally made it over he wanted to talk and denied that he had too much to drink...ok, I know when Mr B is drunk and he was. So I asked him what I should do and he told me that he would ask permission to drink from now on. That is not what I want. He is a big boy and needs to make decisions on his own. Me making him quit is not going to work. Seriously at this point, I feel like he should just go stay with his parents...we could separate for a while and he could get to know the baby without worrying what I am going to think. He says he will stop. He will only drink if he is with me and I say its ok...whatever...I am tired of dealing with the whole mess.

The next day, we go to church. Pastor Clint talks about hero's. About excellence. How being excellent is "doing the best you can with what you've got." He talked about living by faith and the legacy you leave behind. I could hear God talking to me. I cried...I didn't want to hear it. I don't want to do it. I want to be done. I want to start over. - None of that is in God's plans. I told Mr B last night that I would start to see the baby again, but only at his mom's house so I could continue to keep our kids protected. He is planning on having the baby spend the night on Friday, so we will be staying with my mom. The anxiety has returned. The hurt and the unhappiness is back, but I know I am doing what God wants and at the end, only good things can come from his will. So I am stepping out in faith knowing God is going to hold me up.

It sucks to feel like your husband has a separate life from you. I hate that he loves the baby...I know that its not the baby's fault, but I can't help but not like him. I am praying that God gives me a love for him. That God gives me a yearning to see him, like I do with my own, but right now, I don't. So here I go...Journeying on a life I don't want and a pain I can't heal. Its all in God's hands now.


Tricia said...

my dear friend, i am so sorry you are hurting so. I hope and pray you will be ok.. remember I am just a blog away. {{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}

Nutty mom-- said...

I'm so sorry about your weekend. HOW SUCKY-for lack of better words. I can't even imagine dealing with all the things that you have going on. You are strong, and your character shows through everything you do. You are being an amazing example to your kids. And if nothing else comes from all of this, they will know how awesome their mom is!

Amanda said...

I am so sorry :( I am praying for you!

Norma said...

You are sooo strong and your faith is awesome! I am praying for you and I hope things get better soon!

Ang said...

I am emailing you now :)

Chaukie said...

I am sorry you are having to go through this. I really hope everything begins going the right way for you.

jenn said...

Life can really kick you in the pants sometimes. I know sweet Mrs. B that there is a life out there that includes the one you are living that will help you achieve more than you ever dreamed. Sometimes you have to hit bottom before you really allow yourself to truely live in God's hands. Even if you think you are in them now. I just keep relying on's the only way to go.

Amanda said...

You are not going to like me.

And BTW, I know its easy to pass judgement on a 2 sec. tid bi of your life. I know there is more to your story....

That being said, I feel like you have some feelings toward this baby that aren't fair. I feel like you have not given this situation over to God.

Can you imagine... what if you TOTALLY embraced this baby??? What if you brought this baby into your home? What if thats what God wanted you to do?

YOU can create a scene of love and accpetance. YOU can foster in total love and peace. YOU can give this other baby more love then you knew you could give. And you know who profits from that? YOUR kids. You set the example and You are the criteria for which they model their own behavior.

You have a big opportunity here... set aside hurt and fear and frustration and rejection and pain... Give it to God.

Start a-new. Give your family...that baby... s fresh start in an environment of love.

I know you have made choices about this baby based on what you know and feel... but what does God want you to do about it? Does He really think you need to shelter your kids from it? Or would He just accept and love?

Sorry if I have offended you.

Just my opinion.

God bless-