Monday, January 26, 2009

Sunday Updates

So many things happened this weekend. Anything that I have pictures for, will be blogged about later...when I can find my camera.

So Sunday morning, we are supposed to go to the early service at church because at the later service, Mr B and I work in the nursery. Well, we had such a late night on Saturday that we didn't make it to the first service.

While Mr B was in the shower, he hollered at me. I went in and he said "I have to ask you a serious you mind if I not do the nursery today, but I go to service?" Really, I didn't want him to go, but I knew if he was asking, he felt he needed to be there. So of course, I told him to go.

I walked out of the bathroom and not five minutes later I can hear him calling me again. I went to see what he needed and he told me to sit down. Well, this must not be good.

Long Pause...

"Yesterday, when you took Belle to your moms...I was on the computer and I felt the urge..."

The urge to?

"The urge to go to websites I knew I shouldn't be on...I actually went as far as typing in the address. But at the last minute, I decided I would go work out instead. I just needed a release and since we haven't been able to have sex since you have been on your period all week, I found out that I am not as strong as I thought I was. I just wanted you to know that."

Ok...well, thanks for telling me. I am proud of you for saying no to your demons.

So this whole conversation really hit me smack in the face...especially with me preparing myself for the emotion earthquake of seeing the baby. It was a lot to take in. It's not that I am mad at him...I am so proud that he said no, that he did not act on his temptation. Thats part of what I have been praying for right? Not only that, but he confessed to me the thought of sinning...I feel like that's so much progress...on the other hand, it still hurts that he thinks about it. I suppose that is a small part of the equation and the other 95% of it I am so thankful for. I know that Satan will always be there, whispering in his ear and as long as he says no, he is being a righteous man.

**So after I wrote that paragraph, my thoughts started swimming around in my head. Was Mr B just confessing this small infraction because he was really hiding something bigger? Had he cheated again...why would he even tell me about this if he did nothing wrong. So I called him and asked. He said that he hasn't and that if I ever have questions like that, to call and ask. He will never be mad. About a half our later, he called to see how I was doing. He said that he felt like the enemy had gotten to him on Saturday and since he didn't get him, now he was coming after me in my thoughts. I hadn't thought about it like that...what perspective he has. If you all only knew him a few years ago, you would be shocked on him growth. I know he isn't cheating and I need to do a better job on keeping Satans lies out of my head.

After church, Mr B went with Raef to pick up the baby. I went ahead and took Belle and Marcus to his moms where we were all coming over for a late breakfast. When I heard Mr B come in with the baby, my heart began to race...I went to greet them and held out my arms to the baby.

He has gotten so much bigger. I gave him a warm smile and helped him take off his coat. I handed him a small piece of biscuit and he took it while looking around at all the things going on. He just seemed to absorb all the chaos going on...the kids running around like crazy misfits, the loud chatter of the tv and the aroma of breakfast in the air.

Later, Mr B was trying to get him to stand up and take a few steps. I told him to give him to me and I would try to have him walk towards dice, but when Mr B held him and I held out my arms, encouraging him to walk, wouldn't you know he took three steps and fell into my arms. Instinctively, I gave him a big smile and congratulated him by throwing him in the air and saying "What a good job! What a big boy". He gave me the biggest smile back and for an instant, he was mine. For an instant I forgot about the pain...for an instant, he was just my little boy taking some of his fist steps...for an instant, I was proud.

The rest of the night was uneventful, buy I would be lying if I said that every time I looked at him, there wasn't a stab of pain in my chest. That seeing him and holding him didn't make my breathing a little labored, but heh, I got through it and here I am on the other side alive.

Later that night, Mr B wanted me to go with him to take the baby back...lets just say, I'm not ready to see her again. Maybe another weekend, but not this weekend.

So to sum up Sunday, it was hard. It was emotionally draining and by the end, I was completely wiped out. So I am now building myself up for next weekend, which will involve his birthday party at our house...I am sure there will be many crazy posts to come.


Nutty mom-- said...

Way to go momma, one step at a time!

Tricia said...

i am positively BEAMING with pride for you sweetie!!! I am so excited that you were able to do something so hard, and with the grace of an Angel.!! I love ya!!

Rachel Tenpenny Crawford said...

You are doing so well. I can see your heart softening. I see you finding peace and some strength. Way to go friend. Keep up the good work.

Mom on a Coulee said...

An instant is more than none, an instant is something to build on, and I am so proud of you and Chris. What a remarkable weekend you had.
God Bless

heidi said...

I'm proud of HIM for coming to you - even though I know how painful that is for you. I'm proud of YOU for understanding his need to go to the service. Communication and reliance on God are the ONLY THINGS that will get you through this. Sending you love.

jill said...

i am SO PROUD of you AND mr. b! and super impressed by your ability and willingness to so openly share what have to be such personal thoughts. THANK YOU! you are a light!!!

Ang said...

OH MY GOSH..I AM so behind..I had so much catching up to do..but don't think for a minute that you haven't been on my mind a million times this weekend...Tricia I am so proud of described the weekend and made 'us friends/bloggers'.ha feel that we were there with you! I am so proud of you and that the strength and courage you had. I am beaming like a mother would at her kid at a dance recital..ha just so proud of you!! God is so wonderful!!!!!

Daberath said...

I am so proud of you for taking this HUGE step and doing it with SO much grace! God will truly reward you for following Him. Thanks for the blog award. You are too sweet. Hopefully I will get a chance to repost it sometime soon!