Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Today, I find myself in a great mood. Happy with my husband, scratch that, totally in love with my husband. What's going on? Where is my Tuesday gloom? I don't know where its gone, but I'm pretty sure its out partying with my favorite sock that has gone missing from the dryer.
Today, I feel free, at peace and as I said before, in love with my husband. Maybe I'm ovulating? No, that's no it. Maybe its my migraine medication...no, haven't taken any today. Perhaps its that I have fallen in love with a fictional vampire (Edward anyone?)...Somehow I doubt it. Perhaps its the sugar high I am on from the Wal-Mart banana popsicles Mr B went out to get me at 1 AM on Sunday night...no, I've only had four today. Perhaps then, its God giving me a glimpse. A glimpse into the future, near or far, or maybe a glimpse inside my and/or my husband's hearts.
Whatever it is, I am sure enjoying it. Life seems complete...well, it has less pits anyway. I like this new outlook of hope and love. And now, I am walking the faith...won't you join me?
Monday, December 29, 2008
My husband did not wait until Christmas Eve to get me a gift, but didn't get out of work until after all the stores closed, so I did not get the said gift (or any gift) from him on Christmas. So, I would never think in return that since today is his birthday, no gift for him? I am above such things!
The neighbors didn't come over and offer to give us there boys old toys. We didn't gladly accept and then set them under the tree, unwrapped as Christmas gifts...ok, we did.
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
The doctor walked into the room, listened and ordered an echo, which worried me a bit. We went in, did the echo and Belle did really well. The doctor came in and gave us the results of the tests, no hole...it is gone! Praise God!
Thank you all for praying. That truly is a miraculous gift from God, just in time for Christmas!
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
So last night, Mr B informs me that along with seeing the baby on Saturday, he will be bringing him to Christmas the following Thursday. I then told him, "You know if the baby is there, I won't be". For some reason, he was surprised and all be it, a little angry. "You will have witnesses." he says, "It will be fine. You just are using this whole thing to not have to see the baby." I can't say that this whole not seeing the baby thing has been easier...it totally has, but I did see the baby, even when it was hard. I was the one that pushed to see him, but when the allegations came, Mama Bear came out. Mr B said, "Then you just won't be there." Maybe its selfish, but that really hurt. I know the baby won't remember and Mr B will see him on Saturday, so I feel like I should be able to enjoy my kids having Christmas with their grandparents. Mr B and I always tell each other that we are most important to each other, over our kids. But when he picked the baby over me, it cut deep. I could have made Mr B choose keep the baby and I leave or not see him at all, but I didn't. Am I asking too much? My prayer is that in the next few years, when the baby doesn't remember, I can learn to accept him into our family without the pain I get when I see him, but I'm not there yet. Well, I cried and cried and cried.
This morning, when we woke up, a lot of pent up emotions came flooding out. Over the last month or so, I feel like Mr B has stopped trying...not that he doesn't love me, but it feels like he doesn't think love should be work. I would send him text messages at work telling him I loved him, but no texts in return. When we were really working on our marriage, I would get five text messages a day. But now, he is too busy.
I had also commented to him several times in the past few weeks that I am so grateful about how much he loves on Belle. He showers her with hugs and kisses, lights up when he sees her and just adores all aspects of her. I told him that I wanted that too. That I want to feel special just like she does.
He never seem to grasp what I was saying or was just too lazy to implement it. With all of this lack of action, I stopped too. I know I shouldn't have, but there is just a point I reached when I had no more to give. I told him I was tired of being an after thought that I want to be important to him and that I don't feel I am.
I also asked him if he had gotten me a Christmas gift. He said "When do I have time to go get you a gift?" and that to me says it all right there. When something is important to you, you make it happen. I got his gift six weeks ago because I put a lot of thought into it and I wanted it to be special. Christmas would have come and gone and he probably wouldn't have said anything. Its not about the gift...I could care less, its really the thought. He could have written me a letter and it would have meant more to me than anything he could have purchased.
He also asked me if I had thought about leaving him. The thought had crossed my mind, but it isn't something I want to do. I want to be with him, love on him and feel the same in return. I just want to so bad what I can't have. A whole family, a perfect family, a husband who adores me, who would never betray me...but all of that is impossible. Please pray for me. I don't even know what for, but my thoughts are so clouded. I just need it.
He says he gets it now. He read my post last night that I wrote when I was in a dark place, when I was losing hope. I think it helped to open his eyes. He says he will try harder. I sent him a text this morning and he already sent one back! A good sign :)
Also, on another note, we are going to the local children's hospital tomorrow to see a cardiologist about Belle's heart. She has had a murmur since she was born. Please pray that it has closed and all is well. That would be the best Christmas present we could get. Thank you so much.
Monday, December 22, 2008
I did not spend the night at my parents house on Saturday, even though I knew we would have to get up super early to trek it back 45 minutes to church. I then did not realize, when I woke up and finished my shower, that I did not have any clean underwear. My husband would never suggest I borrow a pair of my sixteen year old brother's underwear. He then did not go on to tell me that I was not allowed to wear my previous said underwear, due to the "shower" rule. (Shower Rule - Once you take a shower, you must wear new underwear...if you don't shower, you may wear your previous days, dirty (ahem!) underwear.) He would never tell me that he would not be showering, therefore, he would be wearing his underwear...that would just be gross. I did not go commando to church. Who would do that? Of course I would find some sort of fig leaves and McGuyver them into a very respectable undergarment.
We then did not go to Home Depot to try to find Mr B's brother and nephew a gift because we are all out of money, but had a little bit of "money" on the Home Depot Consumer Card. We did not wander around for an hour looking for something that would be suitable. We didn't end up calling his side of the family and move Christmas out seven days to New Years Day, just so we could have one more pay day to buy gifts. We did not leave Home Depot with $70 worth of stuff and no presents.
When I did get home with our Christmas pictures and Santa pictures, I did not open my Christmas scrapbook to find dried out sugar cookie dough smashed between the pages leaving huge grease spots. I would never give my children cookie dough and they would certainly not put it in a book that means so much to me. My kids are perfect angels, halo's and all.
Speaking of my angelic children, I did not go into the kitchen to find my first born son dunking my Coach bag into the dogs water bowl. I did not freak out because I am the epitome of the role model parent. I of course calmly took my overpriced purse, sifted through the myriad of ink stained, non-readable Christmas receipts, and magically restored them to perfect reading condition. Not that I will need the receipts...China is known for their quality toys. Shew, dodged a bullet there.
Friday, December 19, 2008
Well, Marcus is no where close to sleeping through the night. I am lucky to get three hours straight. Last night was no different, so around 5.00 AM, Mr B gave up..."let him cry it out". That would be fine with me except his crib is right next to our bed. Are you kidding me?Somehow Mr B can sleep through it, but I can't. Marcus just wanted to be up and entertained, so I obliged...til 6.45 AM. Finally, peace.
At 10.00 AM, my doorbell rang. I had a momentary laps in judgment and I thought it was animal control...different story for a different day. No, it was my mom. I was supposed to have the kids ready to go see Santa at 10. Well, they were all sleeping, including me. My mom, who is such a saint, helped to get them ready, cleared my dishwasher and refilled it and even helped Belle clean her room. Told you she's a saint.
Off we went to see Santa. Can I tell you how terrified Raef was? Poor boy.
Can you tell that my mom had to shove him in there? I also only later realized that I took the pictures and ran. Belle didn't even get to talk to him. I feel terrible. I might go ahead and take her again this weekend, just so she can talk to Santa. I can just think what the Elf behind the camera was thinking of me.We then headed off to Panera to meet my Aunt Julie for lunch. We got there and it was a mad house, so we opted for Rain Forest Cafe which is just across the way from Panera. If you have never been there, it looks like a tropical rain forest with waterfalls, gorillas, elephant, monkey, talking trees, huge butterflies and such...did I mention the gorillas and elephants 'come to life' every 15 minutes and every 30 minutes there is a thunderstorm? Can you see where this is going? I think poor Raef was going to have a nervous breakdown. I could feel the anxiety just radiating off the boy. Those gorillas would hoot and holler...he would just stare at them, concerned as to why we weren't running.
After our adventure in the jungle, we finally made it home and guess what? My little tykes were tuckered out.
So today was a very good day! Pray for me tomorrow. I am having some real anxiety about Mr B seeing the boy. It just scares me to death, the possibilities. I also want to tell you how much better I am feeling. No stuffiness and only a slight headache. Whoa the power of prayer. I humbly thank you.
Thursday, December 18, 2008
We went to Wal-Mart to pick up some prescriptions, but I am not about to waste a day out of the house. So we got supplies to make Christmas cookies. Oh, you want my recipe...ok, but know that it's a secret and I am only telling you because, well, your just so gosh darn good to me!
First, you buy a roll of sugar cookie dough...I know, it's complicated. Then,you roll out the dough and cut out shapes. Not with scissors people, but with cookie cutters or the opening of a glass. 350 for nine minutes and pull them out. Be sure to wear your oven mitt. Let cool, eat a few...then, the most important part...wait for it, wait for it...you break out the Duncan Hines White Frosting. Ice 'em up, sprinkle a little glitter (red or green preferred) and **WAH-LA**, homemade Christmas cookies. I know, I should be Martha Stewart. Let me know if you want me to autograph the recipe.
So I get home and I bake a few cookies. I wrap a few presents, including The Other's baby and a gift for her other son. That wasn't so easy. Actually, it sucked, but I am trying to be a cheerful giver...I have the giver part down, but not so much the cheerful. While we are on the topic, I have a complaint. The Other is buying the baby a Power Wheel for Christmas. You know, the kind they get in and ride...let me refresh your memory...he will be one in January. My kids, they are getting Chutes and Latters, Candy Land, and a few DVD's. Nothing over $10. I know its Satan whispering in my ear, getting my jealousy gland going, but its hard to struggle every month, pay her child support, and get my kids such simple gifts. I know its not about the gifts, but this is Belle's first Christmas where she understands. I really want her to light up when she opens her presents. I just don't feel like its fair.
I have to complain one more time...last time I promise. I think I am coming down with a sinus infection. My throat hurts and I feel all stuffed up behind my nose and eyes. I called Mr B at 4, wanting to tell him that I wasn't feeling well and if he could try and make it home as soon as he could I would appreciate it. When he answered he immediately asked me if he could call me back in just a second. Sure thing. Well, that was five hours ago. I know he's really busy and he probably just forgot, but when do you say "Hey, I need you to pay attention to me. I need you to put me first or at least call me back."? It just drives me crazy.
I think Wal-Mart really zapped the kids energy because at least two of them have been sleeping at a time since we got home. Or maybe God is taking care of His girl...yeah, I like that better.
Can I also tell you that I am a regifter? I know its terrible, but I am totally selling stuff I got last year on Craig's List...so if any of you are looking for a Britney Spears three piece perfume set, by all means let me know! It's a steal at $10. I am also selling a Louis Vuitton Cherry Blossom Wallet...$175. I got it as a gift a few years back and I have never used it. I figure these days, when money is tight I could do without it...it just stares at me anyway. Oh yeah, one more thing, my Christian Dior Pink Satin Purse....crazy me bought it in Vegas for $850 **gasp! I know, ridiculous. Oh when cash was a plenty...those were the days.
I am very thankful that even though money is tight, we still have a warm house filled with the smell of Christmas cookies and children. What could be better than that?
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
I appreciate all of you praying for me through the gunk. When a comment is left for me, you have no worldly idea what it means to me. The prayers and words of encouragement from strangers really lifts me up. I believe God sent all of you my way, knowing I just need some good words that aren't from my mom! However, when I feel criticized in a comment, it does hurt and I will dwell on it probably more than I should. I want you to know that all the mean things anyone could think or say to me, I have already said to myself. I look back and wonder what I could have done differently. I know I cannot change anything now and I am working very hard to look to the future with a smile. You all are apart of my journey. I feel honored to have you on board.
I also want to let everyone know that if you ever have an issue, I will always be here to talk. So many of you have been so gracious to me, there is no way to thank you. I have set up an email address at BellesMyGirl@GMail.com if you want to email me. I also met this week an incredible woman who has been where I am. She was courageous enough to leave a comment, even though no one else knows. This email address is for such a circumstance. I love hearing from everyone and promise to "hit cha back"!
God bless you all and again, I covet your prayers. I am a long way from fixed, but I know one day I will be.
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
I feel like the part of my heart that holds Mr B is empty, not because I want it to be. I want so much for us to be close, but we aren't. I put my trust in Jesus, but it doesn't stop the hurt. I hurt so very deeply. I hurt for what was supposed to be and I hurt for the shell of a person I am now. I hurt that I will not be the only one to bear Mr B's children and I hurt for my own children who will one day know that daddy betrayed mommy. Without Christ, it would be too much to bear.
Will the pain ever go away? Will I ever feel normal again? I pray for it. I put wear on my knees and pound heaven's door, to no avail. Be still, and know that I am God. ~ Psalm 46:10
I did my rounds to my favorite blogs today, and while at Jenn's and reading her words of pain, a beautiful song broke through...
Sometimes the way is lonely
And steep and filled with pain
So if your sky is dark and pours the rain, then
Cry to Jesus
Cry to Jesus
Cry to Jesus and live!
Lonely...Yes. Painful...Very. The tears are furious. The ache is throbbing. All I have is Jesus.
Monday, December 15, 2008
What I don't understand is why she is so persistent. Why would she want someone who she accused his wife, me, of abuse, having her son? I don't know whats going on...I just don't get her. Any thoughts?
It's here again...Not Me Monday! Click on the button above to see MckMama's not me's and all the other MckFlurries who contributed this week.
I did not buy my husband a package of Pillsbury Peanut Butter Cup Big Deluxe Cookies, only to bake them four at a time, three times last week and share them with the kids. I mean, I would NEVER just bake them for myself and blame it on the kids. They definitely are not THE.BEST.COOKIES.EVER!!! Plus, eating them for dinner is totally nutritious and completely on my diet, because, they are totally calorie free (ahem!) and packed with vitamins and nutrients.
I did accidentally let a pen roll into our lint vent on the dryer, but I didn't call my mom and ask her if it was still ok to use. After her telling me it was probably ok to use, I would never call my husband because that wasn't the answer I wanted. I mean, I LOVE doing laundry. He then didn't proceed to tell me not to use it which I then didn't smile and dream of days without laundry. He didn't end up fixing it this morning (5 days later) and I am not now paying for it by having more laundry to do than ever.
I didn't dream last night that I was a hooker...and my husband was only ONE of my clients.
I didn't catch Raef giving Marcus a taste of Kool-Aid via his sippy cup. I then didn't go over and give some to Marcus myself, just to see his reaction...my goodness, the boy is not even five months old...what kind of parent would I be?
Friday, December 12, 2008
Today is Heidi's Friday Freebie. Head on over there to see how you can
Today, my mom came over, God bless her, to help me get some errands done. I would have left her home with the kids just so I could go, but my poor kids haven't been out of the house since Sunday...the snow is in melty patches in the grass and when the kids went outside, they went berserk, stepping in it and such, so excited to be playing in the snow. It was really sad.
Our steps still have ice on them, so in all my brilliance, we went out of the house through the garage. I closed the garage door from the inside and preceded to **hop** over the laser so the garage would close completely. As I watch it go all the way down, my breathing starts to get faster.
Its fun to brush your teeth
Its fun to brush your teeth
Its fun to brush your teeth
Turn on the water
Turn on the water
Turn on the water
Ok, enough of my off pitch rendition of Yo Gabba Gabba's robot singing about personal hygiene. Like I said, my kids and I were zombies, zoning out to this nonsense, that was until Elijah Wood guess starred and wanted to teach my kids how to dance. Here I am, watching Froto working the "PuppetMaster" with a green striped monster who's arms obviously need to have corrective surgery. Luckily that snapped me back to reality.
Speaking of crazy kids shows, see what a completely different Heidi has to say to Dora. OMGoodness, probably the funniest thing I have read in a really long time. I am kinda sad I didn't write it myself.
Thursday, December 11, 2008
All this planning and in the end, Marcus wasn't even there! Ok...well, he was there, but he turned into some kind of cranky, angry, hair pulling baby. Instantly the baby from The Incredibles comes to mind. That was Marcus...he just lost his mind. If you notice at the end, in the Marcus only shots, he is holding onto something...yeah, that would be my hair. He had a death grip on it...here I am, trying to get him to laugh by blowing on his tummy and what does he do, try to rip my scalp off. Come on dude, I spent nine months growing you, the least you could do is let me look decent for ONE DAY!
Anyway, I think a lot of the pictures turned out really great. I did notice my family curse...the dreaded Check...translation - Chin and Neck morph into one. Its gross and embarrassing. I wonder if he can Photoshop that out? And while he's at it, thin out my eyebrows...what was I thinking? They are out of control and I apologize.
And yes, Belle is wearing her Easter dress...come on people, I have three kids under three. I have learned the art of multi-tasking and buying when things are on sale...you know, like buying an Easter dress AND taking Easter pictures in December. I think its rather clever.
I am so glad Christmas pictures are only once a year. Next year I will be adding a little white pill...Zoloft anyone? The doctor will prescribe those right?
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Here are mine:
Belle & Aladaar
Raef on his first birthday!
Marcus...only a few days old.
I would love to see yours...link up and lets start a Revolution! :)
We are guessing the social worker was in touch with The Other and she didn't like what she had to say. No abuse from our side. I am also speculating that the social worker told her to get off her high horse and be thankful you have a father who wants to be involved...just my guess. Due to this new revelation that, indeed, as she put it, "I can't believe I will have you guys in my life for the rest of my life." Maybe you shouldn't SLEEP.WITH.OTHER.WOMENS.HUSBANDS! Just a thought!
Sooo...that brings us to the offers.
Being concerned for her son's welfare, she wanted to make Mr B an offer. She wanted to see if my husband, his father would like to wait to see him for a few years until he became "manageable". I am not sure what she even meant by that. Like giving a three year old to someone he doesn't know would be good for him, but I digress. Of course Mr B said no.
She then asked so boldly if he would sign away his rights and she wouldn't make him pay child support...I am totally wondering if she even cares about this boy. Mr B said no, but I must tell you in a very hushed voice, just between you and me, I wouldn't be so upset if he took the latter. Very unchristian of me and I am ashamed of myself, but it's true.
Here's the best part, The Other is so worried for her son's safety that she offered for Mr B to have him this weekend. You know, the man who she accused of beating him so badly there were bruises and he had to be taken to the hospital. I'm guessing she wants to go out on Saturday night. I told you, she's a winner.
So there you have it...two options, but neither are truly viable. I just wish everything could be the best in this situation. To be honest, before the allegations, I had been really struggling with being a good Christian to her. My ultimate goal was to be able to look her in the eye and give her a hug. Now I am lucky if I could see her without vomiting or maybe giving her a good thump upside the head...not very Christian.
I also have another secret. Before the allegations, when we would pick the little boy up, she would always just hand him over, like it was no big deal. Inside, it would kill me. I wanted her to be huffy and not want me there, etc. Deep inside I wanted her to feel a bit of the pain she helped to cause me. I would think handing your son over to another woman would make her a bit angry. She never showed anger. Ticked me off, but I was polite. So when she made these allegations, saying that she thought I did it and she was very angry I was apart of his life, I can't say I wasn't the tiniest bit happy that I had gotten to her...a bit of satisfaction.
Again, I am not being a very good representation of Christ. I will repent! :)
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Just wanted to let you know that the footsie pajamas will not be worn tonight and I am pretty sure God made the arrangements.
When I went to get Raef up this morning, I found him laying in vomit. All over his blanket, sheet, and you guessed it, his footsie pajamas. Needless to say I threw everything in the washing machine. When I went to throw them in the dryer, I took the lint apparatus out of the dryer and in rolled an ink pen. Yes, down the lint shoot...great! I tried to reach in and get it, but no luck. So, I am not using the dryer until Mr B can get the pen out...which means, a new set of pajamas. God has a great sense of humor! :)
Sweet, sweet Raef is wanting his momma's attention. Whining at my feet as I serve my addiction...blogging. It really is a problem people. I finally give in to the "Eh-Eh....Momma" and look down at his angelic profile...what do I see? My ipod cord sticking out of his mouth, the other end of course attached to the computer...Ashamed.
Is it sad that when my son potentially broke my nose, after the shock of the pain, a quiver of excitement entered my body? Aflac pays!!! So Ashamed.
My daughter called our dermatologist yesterday "Daddy". WTFreak? Ashamed.
While sitting down to eat my bowl of 'Liptons Side' Alfredo that we had as a maincourse for dinner last night, with Marcus on one hip and my bowl in the other hand, I saw some of the sauce had dripped onto my chair. I swiftly wiped it with my finger and stuck it in my mouth. Something didn't taste right...maybe it's spit up...looked at Marcus, a spit up grin...lucky me. Humbly Ashamed.
Raef has worn the same footsie pajamas to bed three nights in a row...tonight will make four...Very Ashamed.
Marcus smells like Frito's and I am pretty sure he is making cheese in the folds of his neck. Disgustingly Ashamed.
I made pancakes this morning for breakfast just so I could have snacks for the kids that weren't messy....not because its snowing outside and it would be a great memory...just for the snacks. Not that Ashamed.
I asked Mr. B what he really wanted for Christmas. He looks at me all smiles and says, "You're pregnant?!?" Where did that come from...Definitely NOT Ashamed.
Monday, December 8, 2008
The thing about it is, good mothers always make dinner for their family to show their love, so I would never order pizza on a Sunday night. I wouldn't give it to my two-year-old daughter, extra cheese and all and let her run around with it. I wouldn't be so busy blogging that I wouldn't get up to check out the succession of splats in the kitchen where both my mobile children were. I wouldn't even notice when they walked in to where I was sitting and seemed to be throwing something up in the air. I DID notice the marinara stains on my carpet which led me to the kitchen to see a dozen pieces of pizza all over the floor. I would never think, "This will be a great story for tomorrow!". I didn't video my children picking up all the pieces and putting them in the trash. And I would NEVER, EVER, let Belle have pizza again for breakfast. What kind of mother would I be?
Click on the button to see MckMama's "Not-Me's" and many others.
Saturday, December 6, 2008
I asked if she would like something to drink and she requested coffee. I thought that was weird because how would she know if I put something in it...that sounds odd I know, but if I were her, I would want to open my own drink. Anyway, I made her a cup of fresh coffee in a cheery Christmas mug. Our house already smelled like cinnamon and warm vanilla since I had lit candles...you never know if your house has some weird smell...just wanted to cover my bases. Hate to lose my kids for a smell.
She pretty much started off with, "I don't think this happened over here." I think I had been holding my breath the entire time...I finally exhaled. Then it all came pouring out...it wasn't even tears, just streams flowing down my face. She showed us the pictures of the bruising and I couldn't believe it. That DEFINITELY did not happen over here.
We told her about how things came to be. About the affair, about how I am trying to be kind and reflect my Saviour, and how painful this whole event has been. I told her how I had been crying all week with the stress of this on my shoulders. She said I should have called and talked to her...did we get an awesome investigator or what? I told her of my concerns that the mother would keep doing this and she assured me that she would always be taking this case if that were to happen. Hallelujah!
She also told us that the little boys grandfather had flipped out and yelled at her while she was interviewing the mother. At that point she started to wonder were the bruising really was coming from. She told us she believed this was a custody issue and not to worry. She said she had really great instincts about people and that she didn't believe we had anything to do with this. She said she believed the mother did this for custody issues and as she got up to leave, she asked if I would like a hug. I exhaled a second time. I couldn't believe this was turning out so well...Thank you God!
When Chris closed the door behind her, he turned to me and I again burst out into tears (big suprise, I know!). But this time, it was a glorious moment of relief...its finally over and I can hug my kids and not wonder if its the last time. Am I dramatic or what?
Thanks again to everyone who prayed. It really meant a lot.
Friday, December 5, 2008
I met with our lawyer today to go over a game plan for tomorrow. Don't get me wrong, I am innocent, but I am scared of getting emotional and putting my foot in my mouth. I cried 85% of the time I was in his office. On top of that, Marcus scratched himself just under his eye, so our lawyer thinks it would be best if he wasn't there tomorrow. Just don't want to raise suspicions. I am sad he won't be there. He is kind of like my security blanket, plus I know he would be good PR with his sweet smiles and glutenous giggles...you've seen him, he's huge!
But I can't say I'm not worried. What if they think I'm lying? What if they think it's too rehearsed or I'm not emotional enough? I don't think that will happen though, unless I run out of tears tonight. I am terrified this investigator will be on a power trip and think we are unfit. If that happens, you won't hear from me again. Be warned, I WILL RUN TO MEXICO!!! :)
On to happier things...
Belle and Raef are with my mom tonight and Chris worked, so Marcus and I went on a date to Family Movie night at church. We watched The Ultimate Gift which didn't help my emotional side. Marcus was a perfect gentlemen. He let me eat all the popcorn and didn't snore once! It was great to just hold my baby and forget what was going on for two hours. Just what I needed.
Speaking of church, if you are ever in the KC area, I totally recommend Life Church. It is the first place I have ever really felt God. If I could live there, I would! If you aren't anywhere near us, you can also watch the sermons online. Pastor Clint is amazing...really gets you to think and not so preachy. He is very open about troubled past. Its nice to know your pastor isn't perfect, even far from it...he is a wonderful man!
Anyway, thanks to all those who will/are praying for us. I can feel your prayers surrounding me and I know God has my best interest at heart.
Thursday, December 4, 2008
My favorite Jenn just sent me this great award! The rules are you must list five addictions then pass it to five people. Here goes!
1. Dancing with my kids...they are so much fun. Here is a clip when I was VERY pregnant with Marcus, but could still rock out with my stomach out! :)
2. Banana Popsicles...not any banana popsicles, but these cheap, twin pops that Wal-Mart sells, 18 in a bag for $1.66...that's less than $0.05 per single pop. Mmm...they are so sugary. At the end of July, right before Marcus was born, I bought three bags and ate them all in four days...its a sickness!
3. Getting pregnant...I am working on slowing this one down!
4. Following blogs of women in the midst of great tragedy like Jenn, Stacy, Taylor, Angie, Rachel & Jen. Something about these women standing trough such a treacherous storm and sharing their true grief has helped me tremendously. Most don't know me, but I wish I could give each one a hug and let them know what their lives and their babies lives have meant to me. All six of these sweet women have lost someone very close to them...five out of six lost babies after giving birth...something I can't even imagine, but they let me in for a glimpse. What wonderful spirits they have.
5. Kisses...from Mr B, from my babies; that weird side kiss I give my brother. I just love the intimacy it takes to kiss someone. Even a kiss on the forehead is precious. When Belle really wants her Papa's attention, she will hold his face with both hands, pucker up and lay a fat one on him! It's the cutest thing.
Now the five I am sending this award off to.
I am reading the blog of a dear lady named Trish. She is going to meet her sweet baby boy tomorrow who has a fatal prognosis. I am praying hard that God will do a miracle in their lives...I know He will, just don't know what kind. I pray for the miracle all mother's want for their children. Life, healthy life.
On her blog a song called Held is played. It is by Natalie Grant and the first verse deals with exactly what Trish is going through. The chorus however feels as if it were written especially for me.
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held
When the song came on, my sweet Belle immediately wanted to dance. How can you not dance when a little girl with a Kool-Aid smile asks you? So in the glow of our Christmas tree, we dance. As the chorus comes along, I find tears streaming down my face. There has been a lot of those lately...but these are different. I set Belle down and put my arms up to God, almost as if I am asking Him to "Pick me up"...I just close my eyes and sing. What a wonderful feeling to know God will hold you in the most difficult of times. I am there Lord and I am asking you to pick me up and carry me through. I can not do it myself.
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
- 12.2 Megapixel black Digital SLR Camera with an EF-S 18-55 f/3.5/5.6 IS lens
- Canon's 75-300mm zoom lens
- ATP ProMax professional series super high speed SD card, in a 2 GB size
- Jill.E camera bag
- Custom Made Camera Strap
- 16x20 Canvas Print
- Blog Makeover
All in time for Christmas.
All the money raised is for three awesome causes.
Check it out!
I do have hope that things will turn out well. I dreamt last night that I was in my parents backyard. I had one of the kids with me and the other two were in the house (which was the same house I grew up in, just a bigger version) asleep on the top floor.
I look up in the sky and I see a large tornado forming. It hasn't hit the ground, but I know I need to get in the house and get the kids. I run into the basement (walkout) and start going through a serious of dark, cramped tunnels (almost like air ducts) trying to get to the top floor. Before I know it, someone tells me that the tornado is gone.
I feel like God is telling me that He is taking care of me and my children through this crisis. We will be ok.
I read this today:
Always be ready to make your defense to anyone who demands from you an accounting for the hope that is in you; yet do it with gentleness and reverence. Keep your conscience clear, so that, when you are maligned, those who abuse you for your good conduct in Christ may be put to shame. ~ 1 Peter 15-16
So that is what I am focusing on. I am striving to be gentle and kindhearted when I speak with SRS about my accuser. I pray that God speaks through me and grants me peace. I feel so anxious...Saturday seems like an eternity away, but by the grace of God, I will prevail.
Monday, December 1, 2008
Deep breath...I always felt that Mr B had to be there for this little boy. I pushed for it. I made him call her. I made him go to the doctor's office with her. The relationship between Mr B and his son was pulled together because I was the one who knew it was the right thing to do, despite the pain it caused me.
I have a hard time seeing his mother when we pick him up...a flood of emotion builds and I have to stuff it down and ask my dear Lord for grace in that moment. I know this little boy has no fault in this situation. I make myself hold him, kiss him and do all the things I do with my own children. He seems a little emotionally detached...he is 10 months old, never smiles, never laughs, barely crawls. His mother has him sleep in a swing. I know this because she wanted to make sure we had one for him to nap in...I feel so sad for him. I think, "God put him in a hard spot, but at least I can love him...at least he will know real attention."
Yesterday that all ended. You see, we had him on Saturday in our home for eight hours. Saturday night she calls and says he has scratches and a bruise on his thigh. Mr B says he has no idea how they got there. This little boy cries whenever you set him down, so we either held him or he was sitting on the couch with us the entire time he was here. Mr B and his momma talk for several hours and she tells him over and over she thinks I am abusing him out of vengence for her. I was appalled and angry.
Sunday, she took him to a local childrens emergency room for the "abuse". She tells us that the doctors have confirmed the bruise is consistent with being grabbed. We are now being investigated by SRS for child abuse.
When I found this out, I hit the roof. How could this women invade my marriage and now have the nerve to threaten us with this? All I could think was they were going to take my children away. I have nothing to hide. We do not abuse. We do not hit out of anger...but I have heard so many horror stories.
I told Mr B, "Thats it! I am not seeing that boy again. If I don't see him, she can't accuse me of such things. You can see him at your mother's house so she can be a witness." I know it seems harsh, but I can't put my own children at risk for this one. I am afraid anytime he has a bruise, she will take him to the ER and there will be a long laundry list of things and they will deem us unfit. No way, this is not going to happen. The worst part is, this little boy is being deprived from a real family due to his mother's anger. Its nasty all the way around.
All I can do now is put this in God's hands. I am innocent and I know good will prevail...please pray.
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
I called my husband this evening and he knew something was wrong. I told him I was so stressed out...I wasn't sure how we would finish our Christmas shopping and I didn't know how we could afford extras, which includes a tree. He told me not to worry. He would come home and we would discuss what we could sell. Everything would be alright.
I know he's right. God promises to take care of his children (I know Christmas isn't a necessity...) and we would be fine. I also know God promises to give back in abundance to those who tithe (which we can't afford, but we can't not afford...know what I mean?) So we give to our church as commanded.
Well, God has shown up in a big way. Along comes an angel. My friend Jessica's MIL had a nine foot, pre-lit Christmas tree she was giving away. Jess called to see if I wanted it. You bet!
Well, when Linda came over to drop it off, she also dropped off a TON of food and she just happened to have diapers in the sizes I need. I literally only had 2 of Raef's diapers left and 4 of Marcus'. She didn't know my situation, she just had them left over...how great is our God!
He is the only child we have that wasn't a "surprise". After we had Belle, my husband was terrified of her not having a brother to protect her and of course, he had to be close in age to keep an eye on her when she goes to school. I wasn't really sure if I wanted another baby so soon, but I gave Mr. B a month to conceive a child. I actually had the birth control in the fridge to start the next month. Well, after that month, June 25, 2006 to be exact, we conceived Raef.
Right after he was born, I really bonded with him. Mr. B had really fallen in love with Belle and I felt like I needed to protect Raef...that kind of sounds weird, but its was as if I knew Mr. B would want to train him to be a man from the beginning, so I needed to cuddle him a little extra. Just for note, Belle is still cuddled by Mr. B...good thing she can't ask him for his credit card, because he would give it to her!
I think all of my extra cuddling and kisses have made my sweet Raef a little soft, which I don't mind at all. He is a sensitive little boy who will follow his sister anywhere. He likes to crawl into my lap and just be held, which I LOVE, but he does have a little drama in him. When he falls, you can tell he cries just to get the attention, not because he is really hurt. The funny thing is, he only does that when I am around! When it's him and Papa, he likes to act tough! No crying!
So that brings me to last night...my sweet little Raefy broke my nose. I was lying on the couch and he grabbed a plastic bottle opener I had in my hand. I didn't want him to have it, so I held on. His hand slipped and I conked myself in the nose...now the right side is all swollen and it hurts so much...who knew my first born son would break his mommies nose? Its ok, I forgive him!
Here is Belle and Raef at Halloween. Belle is Princess Belle and Raef is Peter Pan. So cute!
Saturday, November 22, 2008
Friday, November 21, 2008
I sit here tonight waiting for my husband to come home. He is usually off of work about now, but with the holidays coming up, he works later. I have called him several times and he hasn't picked up. I am sure he is super busy trying to get everyone out, especially on a Friday night, but it still gives me a rush of anxiety. You see a little over a year ago, I found out my husband had had an affair...two, two affairs and I had no clue. I may tell the story one day, but not today. I am not in a place to rehash it now. I am just merely trying to get through it alive. We are a much different couple today than we were then. We are happier than we have ever been, go to church every week, and "work" at our marriage. I love us now, but still wish it wouldn't have happened. Which brings me back to tonight. The fact that the phone rings and goes to voicemail gives me a shot of adrenaline that puts me in a state of panic. I am that lonely, lost wife I was a year ago. I hate being so vulnerable. I wish I could just push it away. Just take a little white pill and drift off to sleep, but I know I need to feel the pain to get through it. I also have three bundles of joy running around who need a mommy to keep them out of the baby soap...ok, they did pour baby soap on the carpet when I was watching them. I am such a good mom! :) So I will ask God for grace each moment I need it and I know He will sustain me. Thank you Lord for you comforting arms. Hopefully Mr B will call soon...I will let you know!
Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine. - Isaiah 43:1
Thursday, November 20, 2008
- Thinks Jam is better than Jelly, but doesn't really know the difference?
- Knows every word to Monsters' Inc?
- Hasn't done laundry in four days? Ugh...
- Puts her three month old on the floor without a blanket underneath?
- Has four bags of sugar and three bags of flour in storage "just in case"?
- Knows how The Notebook ends, but cries every time anyway?
- Give my kids Kool-Aid all day long?
I find that I do things for no reason, when I know better, and/or unnecessarily very often. I feel like there are moms all around me who are perfect, or close to (thanks MckMama & Michelle Duggar!) and I just can't compete. Where do they find all of their energy? How do they keep from making Hamburger Helper every night? I am exhausted just thinking about not using the microwave. A few months ago, I heard of a young couple who had been pulled over by the police with their four week old in the back seat, not in a carrier, and had a pacifier taped in it's mouth. How horrible right? I can't tell you all the names I called those two in my head. However, the other day, I did think to myself, "I wonder if I could attach a rubber band to Marcus' pacifier to help keep it in...". I wisely chose not to do this, but I am appalled it even crossed my mind. How come life is so complicated and everyone seems to be going trough it with such ease? Am I the only one confused? Lord, help me. :)