Friday, January 30, 2009

His Priorities ~ Chapter 16

Sorry I haven't posted. We have been sick, sick, sick...I actually accidentally OD'd Belle today on Actametiphan (did I spell that right? Whatever!) I had to call poison control...they said she would be fine. Then Mr B actually left me home with them! After I almost killed our first born! I am not to be trusted. Oh and Sophia, I love know who you are! :)

Do you feel your husband's priorities are in the right order? Explain. I think in his head they are in the right order, but its his practice where he gets out of whack. By making work first, he thinks he is providing what our family needs most. No, what our family needs is him. I know he thinks by doing extra, it is in our best interest, but there are some nights I just need him. Work be damned! The extra things he does are not his responsibility, but when he does them, they become his. He doesn't understand that endless cycle.

Do you feel that you are first after God on your husband's priority list? How does that make you feel? Again, in his head I am. That is where I should and want to be, but like I said, work seems to come first. Even above his own well being.

Do you ever feel that you are unprotected, unloved, or uncovered because you are not a priority with your husband? Yes. When I tell him I am really sick (like today) and I really need him home, since I don't have anyone to help me with three small children and he goes to work anyway, I feel low on the list. I know if it were reversed, I would stay home in a flash for him, even if we didn't have kids. Just to take care of him.

Can you think of ways you could set aside time for you and your husband to be alone doing things he enjoys? List them. This is something I do strive to do. He likes to watch fights (boxing, UFC, etc) so I try to be excited about them too and plan fun food and watch them with him.

Do you ever wish your husband would take more time for you alone than he does? Explain. We don't have enough alone time together because we have so many small children. I would like to have more, but its not his fault we don't.

Do you ever feel your husband puts his children before you? In what ways? Yes. Belle has a hold on him. Whatever she asks, she gets. He is working on it though, so I can't complain too much.

Does your husband ever feel you put your children before him? Are you sure? If so, what could you do about this? I believe he does when it comes to Marcus. I feel he is still a baby and especially now when he is sick, I hate to let him cry for long periods of time. He knows that at a certain point I let go, but Marcus just hasn't gotten old enough for me yet.

Do you feel he puts the interests of other people before those of his own family? Explain. How does that affect the family? Whenever his brother calls at 11:00 PM to see if he can come over, Mr B lets him. I hate that because we have kids and I don't like those things sprung on me. I have told him that before, but he has a hard time saying no. He feels like his brother is all alone, which I totally get, but it is still hard to entertain after a day with the kids. I just want that time to be for us, since it is so precious.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

His Reputation ~ Chapter 15

Let me say that I don't really get this chapter. Virtue is indeed important, but is she asking that we pray that God helps our husband keep his name in good standing? What about the things that are spread by others or out of his/our control? I think this is indeed a good thing to pray for, but doesn't the Bible say that God blesses those who are persecuted unjustly?

Also, what do you do when his bad reputation tarnishes you? I wish she would have touched on that. I feel like everyone who knows of the affairs looks on me as weak, they throw me pity, and I am just a "poor wife." That is something I really hate. I know I am no any of those things, that I must work even harder now to restore my name because of his infractions. I guess I'm a little bitter...praying for that too.

So I guess my prayer is that he chooses wisely and within his control in order to keep a good reputation. I do think I can have a major impact in that I can condone or disapprove of behaviours that would put his name in a good/bad light. However, in the end, I can't control his actions. So I will continue to pray that God continues to bless him, give him wisdom, and clarity. In those things, I believe he can/is work(ing) on reparing his reputation.

Random Updates

Just some random things I wanted everyone to know...

1. I got my butt up and went to the gym today...gained 8 lbs since the last time I was there. On a strict diet until my dignity returns. Breakfast was a myriad of vitamins...yum.

2. On Stephanie Meyer's website, you can read the partial draft of Midnight Sun. It is Twilight from Edwards perspective. I am hoping she will finish it, but she says she wont...(insert tears here)

3. I officially have $1 in my bank account and don't get paid until the 6th...awesome.

4. I was late paying a credit card and yesterday, when I sent off the payment, I finally answered their call. Here's how it went:

Me: Yes, I sent my payment today...

Them: Are you having a tough time right now...

Me: (Sarcastically) Yeah! My hours were cut to five a week.

Them: (Super nice) Well, let me see what we can do. Ok, I just cut your interest rate to 10% (it was 23%) and put you on a payment schedule which will cut your payment in half. It will also stop the late fees and as long as you pay on time, we won't report anything to the credit bureau.

Me: Uhhh...thanks!

I should have answered that phone call last week! They've only been calling me eight times a day!

5. My mom bought us a printer for Christmas from Circuit City, but did not buy the cable I need to connect it. Its a Circuit City exclusive which means the ink and the cable must be purchased from Circuit City or!

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Marcus...What Am I Going To Do With You?

Last week, I walked by the exersaucer that has been patiently waiting to come out of the garage and play with Marcus. I see it in there...all the little animals staring at me (the lion, seal, horse, and elephant), begging I finally obliged. Took me about an hour to clean it, get all the dog hair off of it, and eww...the old Cheerios out of the crevices...but finally, it was clean and awaiting Marcus' arrival.

So Marcus eagerly jumps in and immediately the animals start vying for his affection. He has a conversation with the horse, but between you and me, I think she's a little needy. He has some one on one time with the lion...they have a lovely time, but I think Marcus just wants to be friends. Its now between the elephant and the seal...

Marcus spends a little time with the elephant, but it is clear, all he can think about is that damn seal. She's been showing her goods and flashing that tail...its just too much for poor Marcus to handle.

So what does he do right in front of Ms. Elephant? Sucks face with the seal. There is saliva flying everywhere...I was so embarrassed. Look at him! He knows exactly what he's doing. Good grief Marcus! I raised you better than that!

I even caught him feelin her up under her tail and what did she do to stop it! Nothing! I think I am going to have to have a serious talk with that slut young lady!

Just the other day he was my little did he become such a player? Why God, why?!?

Monday, January 26, 2009

His Integrity ~ Chapter 14

1. Integrity means to adhere to moral and ethical principles. Do you feel your husband is a man of integrity? Why or why not?
Yes, I believe he stands firm on what he believes to be moral and ethical, although I think his bar needs to be higher. I understand that I can not change his views and so I am praying that God will hold him to a stricter and more holy standard.

2. Is the man your husband appears to be to other people the same or different than the man you know him to be in private? How so? He is totally different around other people. He doesn't like to show weakness and when he is around other people, he seems to talk louder and with different vocabulary. Almost like he is trying to be assertive...even around his friends, I can see that he is different.

3. Is your husband for the most part a man of his word? Could he improve in that area? If so in what way? He is mostly a man of this world, but I can see that he is starting to leave that little by little and move more into the Christian/Heavenly thinking. He could definitely improve, but I think him progress is promising.

4. Is your husband easily deceived? Have you ever seen him being deceived in any way? Are you concerned that he might be deceived sometime in the future? Explain. I think Satan has a good hold on convincing him that he is weak and a failure...that it is important to always be strong and you can never ask for help. He is getting better at recognizing it.

5. Do you believe your husband would ever compromise what he knows to be the right thing to do? Explain. He obviously has in the past and like anyone trying to quit a sinful life style, there is always temptation to do it again, but I think he recognizes it and thus far, he has done a good job to thwart Satan's attempts.

6. Do you sense there are influences around your husband trying to sway him away from the paths of righteousness? A lot of his childhood friends and alcohol. Even though they are small portions of his life, I don't like the person he is when he is around either of them.

So on today's previous post, Mr B showed tremendous integrity and I am so proud of him. I am praying that the growing continues and what he knows to be true, he holds fast to.

One thing I am concerned about is his friends and the way he acts around them. There is no cursing in our home (ok, very rarely and under dire circumstances) but when he is around his friends, it seems to be in every sentence. When we are driving in the car, we listen to only christian music, but when his friends are around, break out Marylin Manson...gee whiz. No alcohol is ever purchased by us, but when his friends come over, they bring 20 packs and it's party time, although ever since our bad weekend, he has cut that down quite a bit. Are you getting my drift?

So what I am really praying for is that he recognize the path God wants him to be on and Mr B gives up the things that hinder him from it. I pray that I will be a good influence and proper support. I feel that when he knows that something is righteous, he goes to it full force, but the items I mentioned above, somehow don't apply. I just want him to be the person he is with me and an outstanding example of Christ.

Saturday Updates - Mostly In Pictures

Saturday morning, I took her to get her very first haircut. She was so good and I think it turned out really well. I also got my hair cut and eyebrows waxed. That is as close as I get to being pampered. :)

We then went to my moms and she made a fantastic spread for the party.

Every year, on Belle's birthday, I have her take a picture in my prom dress...

Sunday Updates

So many things happened this weekend. Anything that I have pictures for, will be blogged about later...when I can find my camera.

So Sunday morning, we are supposed to go to the early service at church because at the later service, Mr B and I work in the nursery. Well, we had such a late night on Saturday that we didn't make it to the first service.

While Mr B was in the shower, he hollered at me. I went in and he said "I have to ask you a serious you mind if I not do the nursery today, but I go to service?" Really, I didn't want him to go, but I knew if he was asking, he felt he needed to be there. So of course, I told him to go.

I walked out of the bathroom and not five minutes later I can hear him calling me again. I went to see what he needed and he told me to sit down. Well, this must not be good.

Long Pause...

"Yesterday, when you took Belle to your moms...I was on the computer and I felt the urge..."

The urge to?

"The urge to go to websites I knew I shouldn't be on...I actually went as far as typing in the address. But at the last minute, I decided I would go work out instead. I just needed a release and since we haven't been able to have sex since you have been on your period all week, I found out that I am not as strong as I thought I was. I just wanted you to know that."

Ok...well, thanks for telling me. I am proud of you for saying no to your demons.

So this whole conversation really hit me smack in the face...especially with me preparing myself for the emotion earthquake of seeing the baby. It was a lot to take in. It's not that I am mad at him...I am so proud that he said no, that he did not act on his temptation. Thats part of what I have been praying for right? Not only that, but he confessed to me the thought of sinning...I feel like that's so much progress...on the other hand, it still hurts that he thinks about it. I suppose that is a small part of the equation and the other 95% of it I am so thankful for. I know that Satan will always be there, whispering in his ear and as long as he says no, he is being a righteous man.

**So after I wrote that paragraph, my thoughts started swimming around in my head. Was Mr B just confessing this small infraction because he was really hiding something bigger? Had he cheated again...why would he even tell me about this if he did nothing wrong. So I called him and asked. He said that he hasn't and that if I ever have questions like that, to call and ask. He will never be mad. About a half our later, he called to see how I was doing. He said that he felt like the enemy had gotten to him on Saturday and since he didn't get him, now he was coming after me in my thoughts. I hadn't thought about it like that...what perspective he has. If you all only knew him a few years ago, you would be shocked on him growth. I know he isn't cheating and I need to do a better job on keeping Satans lies out of my head.

After church, Mr B went with Raef to pick up the baby. I went ahead and took Belle and Marcus to his moms where we were all coming over for a late breakfast. When I heard Mr B come in with the baby, my heart began to race...I went to greet them and held out my arms to the baby.

He has gotten so much bigger. I gave him a warm smile and helped him take off his coat. I handed him a small piece of biscuit and he took it while looking around at all the things going on. He just seemed to absorb all the chaos going on...the kids running around like crazy misfits, the loud chatter of the tv and the aroma of breakfast in the air.

Later, Mr B was trying to get him to stand up and take a few steps. I told him to give him to me and I would try to have him walk towards dice, but when Mr B held him and I held out my arms, encouraging him to walk, wouldn't you know he took three steps and fell into my arms. Instinctively, I gave him a big smile and congratulated him by throwing him in the air and saying "What a good job! What a big boy". He gave me the biggest smile back and for an instant, he was mine. For an instant I forgot about the pain...for an instant, he was just my little boy taking some of his fist steps...for an instant, I was proud.

The rest of the night was uneventful, buy I would be lying if I said that every time I looked at him, there wasn't a stab of pain in my chest. That seeing him and holding him didn't make my breathing a little labored, but heh, I got through it and here I am on the other side alive.

Later that night, Mr B wanted me to go with him to take the baby back...lets just say, I'm not ready to see her again. Maybe another weekend, but not this weekend.

So to sum up Sunday, it was hard. It was emotionally draining and by the end, I was completely wiped out. So I am now building myself up for next weekend, which will involve his birthday party at our house...I am sure there will be many crazy posts to come.

Not Me Monday...Part 7

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

My daughter did not turn THREE on Saturday. It has not been three years and two other babies ago that I swaddled her up and brought her home from the hospital. I am not about to cry right now.
We didn't only get her one gift through the after Christmas sales. I didn't get a bargain via Wal-Mart (40% off). I wouldn't get her the Barbie Mariposa...I mean those wings and a three year old don't mix. I'm not the one who broke the wings putting them on and if I did, I would certainly take it back to Wal-Mart and get a new one in anticipation of my daughter not breaking it on her own. The wings haven't already found there way into the trash. Mariposa isn't just a regular Barbie now.
My mom didn't think it would be a great idea to get Belle a recorder...she wouldn't ever curse my house with such a toy. If Belle did get a recorder, her and Raef wouldn't be fighting over it and when Raef finally gets the chance to play it, he is smart enough to know that you don't have to hum into it to get the sound...

Marcus is healing nicely from his Staph infection, but he doesn't now have a cold...runny nose, cough, all the yuckies. His mama isn't about to pull her hair out.

Sunday, January 25, 2009

Todays The Day

In a few minutes we are leaving for church. After church, we are going to pick up the baby. Some of those feelings are present. Apprehension, fear, sorrow...Please say a prayer for me. Thank you in advance. I have lots of things to tell you, but won't be able to update until tomorrow. Everyone have a blessed Sunday.

Too Bad Awards Aren't Currency...Cause I Got Two

Lemonade Award

This award is for those who show GREAT ATTITUDE and/or GRATITUDE! if you are given the award, then put the logo on your blog or post. next, nominate at least 5-10 blogs which show GREAT ATTITUDE and/or GRATITUDE! be sure to link to your nominees within your post. let them know that they have received this award by commenting on their blog. share the love and link to this post and to the person from whom you received your award.

(Umm...Jill, do you read my blog...I mean, great attitude?).


Friendship Award

"These blogs are exceedingly charming. These kind bloggers aim to find and be friends. They are not interested in self-aggrandizement. Our hope is that when the ribbons of these prizes are cut, even more friendships are propagated. Please give more attention to these writers. Deliver this award to eight bloggers who must choose eight more and include this cleverly-written text into the body of their award."

(not interested in self-aggrandizement...I don't even know what that means, but if its good, its TOTALLY me)

So Awesome Jill thinks I'm pretty cool, which means she is Obviously cool herself. She gave me not one, but count it, two awards. And of course in my very humble, pious way, I will relate the kind words she said about me.

i wish we could meet in real life! i am so inspired by the dedication and sacrifice you pour into your family. in fact, i borrowed the power of a praying wife from a teacher-friend just because i got so into reading your recaps! we should talk!! praying for lots of sunny days ahead for you, mr. b, and your precious babes.

Yeah, I am totally sending her a check in the mail. I mean me, inspiring? Who knew?

For each winner, I will be describing them with one word, most fitting. So now I bestow these two, prestigious awards upon...drum roll please...

Friday, January 23, 2009

Stepping Out In Faith

***There is an update at the bottom of this post.

Mr B is coming home with the baby tonight. A week ago, our plans were that I would take the kids to stay with my mother tonight. Plans were that tonight the baby would spend the night at our house with Mr B. Plans were tomorrow he would drop off the baby and then come over for Belle's birthday party. Plans have changed.

I have decided to take a deep breath and step out in faith.

Now faith is a well-grounded assurance of that for which we hope, and a conviction of the reality of things which we do not see. ~ Hebrews 11:1 (Weymouth New Testament)

I will be here tonight. I don't know how I feel about it. I just kinda feel numb. No anxiety. No tears. Am I in shock? Has God granted me peace? I am praying that it is the latter. I am begging God to keep the peace flowing through tomorrow.

I cannot tell you how scary the future seems. Will the heart pounding angst return? How will I feel about him tonight? Of course the actions will be there, but I am praying a spark of emotion accompanies them.

So if I may ask for another prayer, please say one for me tonight...I don't even really know what for, but I just know when my prayer warriors run my name through their lips, God seems to listen and sweep my fears, sorrow, and apprehension away, if only for a short time. There is such power when you all embrace me in your conversations with Him and for that, I am truly grateful.

Mr B is still at work and the weather is getting bad outside. Our overnight has been postponed. Perhaps on Sunday, perhaps next weekend. We will wait and see. I will keep you updated.

Also, Marcus is doing much better. We have not heard back from the doctors, but the boil has drained a great deal and is much smaller. That being said, while we were out shopping today, he was sitting in the cart and threw his head back, hitting the seat. Poor baby bled and screamed. I know it had to hurt. So keep prayin for him...I appreciate it.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

His Protection ~ Chapter 12

This chapter was a bit generic. I do pray for protection of my family, but maybe I should add in protection from the enemy.

I have been discussing this book with a friend of mine and she said that she added in "and God, could you please help my husband to protect me.". I thought that was so profound. Sometimes our husbands don't see us as needing protected. Maybe that is our fault, maybe that is society whispering in their ear that women don't need men. Let me tell you, I need my husband. He is the head of our household and sometimes, the weight of the world is too much to bear and I need a little protection...let me say, that I am not looking for him to fill in the protection I need from God, but like I want and crave the love of God, I also want and crave the love of my husband. In that respect, I want his protection too. To protect me from bad decisions he might make, by not making those decisions. Protecting me from unnecessary pain and protecting my vulnerability.

So I pray for physical protection for my husband and family, mental protection from the enemy, and that my husband understands the correct way to protect me from what God directs him too.

Bad Date

Mama Kat says: "Tell us about a memorable blind date." Here goes.

Is it sad that my most memerable blind date was being the third wheel on my best friend's sort-of blind date?

My best friend and I were 21, living together in an apartment, boyfriend free (Mr B and I were on a "break") and having the time of our lives. After about 6 weeks of livin' it up single, we decided we didn't like being alone...Hello

Now, there are strict rules about

  1. Always get a good close up picture
  2. Always talk on the phone before you meet
  3. Always meet in a public place
  4. All first dates must be accompanied by the best least if he's an ax murderer, we would both die together...

So my girl Smamy (as I call her) had met a fella online. No matter how many times I warned her, she never listened to rule number 1. You would think after a few 'fugly' dates, she would understand, but she's a sucker for the romantic crap guys write, so she always gave the benefit of the doubt. Rule number 2, she was very good at. The new fella she was talking to, she was seeming to really fall for. So the date was set. We would meet for dinner at Carabas...all three of us of course.

Naturally Smamy and I would ride together since we lived together. When we got there, shock number know the guy you see in the grocery store buying Cheetos who look like they only emerge from there mothers basement after playing hours of World of Warcraft, just to get the snack she made for him...yeah, his name is Steve and he was meeting my best friend for dinner. Smamy is a very kind person, so instead of my idea (Run before he notices you...) she calmly went and said hello.

We sat down at the table and like all the dates we had been together in the past, I started asking questions. Nothing mean, but just get to know you questions. Where are you from? What do you do? When are you moving out of your mother's house? You know questions like that. Oh! Did I forget to mention that he had just gotten out of the armed service...I think he was telling the truth, but those gangly arms were screaming something different.

At one point, I get up to go to the bathroom and Steve starts begging Smamy to ditch me. He says I talk to much (who me?) and that he doesn't feel like things are going the way he wants them to. Of course she says no, so he suggests they take me home and then she go to his house...

I come back, the check comes, and he makes Smamy and I pay for our own meals. Now let me say this, every other date we had been on, the guy always paid for my meal. I mean come on, he is trying to sleep with my best friend and of course he knows my approval is necessary...even though we aren't those kinds of girls.

So Smamy is looking at me like, "Get me out of here". We get up to leave and Steve asks if he can see her again. She politely tells him she will call and off we go. When we get on the free way, Sergent Steve calls. Tells her he really thinks she could be the one. Could he come over? He just knows that if he could see her, he could make her understand. He could make her so happy. She had to talk to him for several hours to tell him she didn't want to see him again...and he cried.

I wonder where he is now?

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

My Poor Marcus

Monday night I noticed a bug bite on the back of Marcus' head. It was right were he has a bald spot from lying on his back and looking from side to side. I just remember noticing it, running my finger over it and deciding it wasn't a big deal.

Last night, I noticed it had really puffed up. When I touched it, it was soft and squishy. I called my mom and she said that if it wasn't seriously red and since it took 24 hours to get that way, just wait until morning and if it still looks like that, call the doctor.

I decided to put some salve on it with a band-aid (since it was in the bald spot, there wasn't too much hair) and then I laid him down for the evening.

In the middle of the night, I could just hear him whining...I looked in his crib and he was just tossing his head back and forth. I thought maybe the bite was bothering him so I laid him on my chest to let him sleep on his stomach. Within 30 seconds, he was sleeping.

When I got up this morning, I checked on it and it was much larger than the band-aid...not kidding, the size of half an egg. It had a little white head on it and it seemed to hurt when I touched it. So I called his pediatrician and made an appointment. After that, I really started to let my mind run wild...its so big, its on his head. What if it affects his brain? What if I am not taking him to the doctor fast enough? Should I have taken him yesterday? What if they want to drain it? Will they need to put him under? Will they have me take him to the children's hospital?

So I called our dermatologist. I really like him because he always tells us what he would do with his own kids. He had an appointment an hour earlier than our pediatrician, so I took it.

When we went to see him, he had to use a q-tip to extract the little white tip. Poor Marcus cried his painful cry and all I could do was sit there. The doctor told us he thinks its a boil caused by Staph. Scary, but he gave us antibiotics (which I hate, but give when necessary) and a topical. We should hear back in a couple of days to see if its the really bad kind.

So please say a prayer for my Marcus that this is easily curable and his pain is minimal. Poor boy can't lie on his back, so its difficult to get him to sleep. Every time you put him on his tummy, he just rolls over and his head hits the bed, which makes him cry...I feel so bad. I wish I could make him feel better, but Tylenol is all I can do at this point. Oh yeah, and he's teething. Fun fun.

Why Me Wednesday


I won! I won! Woohoo! I won!

And finally........ the GRAND PRIZE winner goes to: Tricia (no not me) AKA Mrs B. Who posted the favorite among the judges "Happiness is knowing one day my kids will have kids just like them" Oh as if THAT doesn't get me through each day!!! You have won 24 tarts of 8 different scents!!!!

Did you see that? Twenty four tarts in eight different scents from Dream Tarts! Yeah, go me!

So Tricia has started an awesome Wednesday ritual. Complaining about the essentials and inconsequentials of life. Since it's the first Why Me Wednesday, I'll keep it light.

  • Belle decided it would be a good idea to unroll all the toilet paper in the bathroom and leave it on the floor...why me?
  • She then thought it would be a good idea to unwrap a tampon and through it into the toilet, plastic 'launcher' and all. Lucky me I got to pull it out...why me?
  • Marcus had to go to the doctor's today and since we let my father-in-law borrow the truck, it means we only have one vehicle. I had to drop Mr. B off at work, which means at 9 PM, I get to pack all the kids in the Explorer and drive half an hour to pick him up...why me?
  • My free Clinique cleanser I got yesterday, the kids thought it would be great fun to dump it all on the floor...why me?

I also want to mention that Tricia is running a contest over at her blog. It is all about happiness. You know, the exact thing my blog is ALL about! :) Either way, I am entering...I totally want to win the awesome prize. Good luck!

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Let Me Explain

I received a comment from Amanda for the post "This Weekend Sucked."

She wrote:

You are not going to like me.And BTW, I know its easy to pass judgement on a 2 sec. tid bi of your life. I know there is more to your story....That being said, I feel like you have some feelings toward this baby that aren't fair. I feel like you have not given this situation over to God.Can you imagine... what if you TOTALLY embraced this baby??? What if you brought this baby into your home? What if thats what God wanted you to do? YOU can create a scene of love and accpetance. YOU can foster in total love and peace. YOU can give this other baby more love then you knew you could give. And you know who profits from that? YOUR kids. You set the example and You are the criteria for which they model their own behavior. You have a big opportunity here... set aside hurt and fear and frustration and rejection and pain... Give it to God.Start a-new. Give your family...that baby... s fresh start in an environment of love.I know you have made choices about this baby based on what you know and feel... but what does God want you to do about it? Does He really think you need to shelter your kids from it? Or would He just accept and love?Sorry if I have offended you.Just my opinion.God bless-Amanda

So I wanted to respond, but I couldn't find her email address on her blog, so I am going to post here. Maybe other's have thought the same thing, so I want to be honest and true and let you know where I am.

First, Amanda, you are right. I do have feelings toward the baby that are unfair. He is a representation of the betrayal and although I know its not his fault, it is still a constant reminder. That being said, before the child abuse allegations, I did see him every weekend. I did hold him, kiss him, hug him, talk to him, and engage him with my children. Before he was born, I would tell myself that I could be a light in his life. I could make a difference, be a safe place for him. That maybe in 18 years, I would see him as a blessing God had sent me and that I would be so grateful for him. I still hope for that. I still want that. I went as far as to ask Mr B to ask the other if she would just give him to us. For us to raise him as ours. I knew the chances were slim, but I thought that would be his best option. Even if I had to hurt the whole time, it would be the best for him. As you can see, that didn't happen.

When the allegations came to light, I felt that I needed to remove myself and only myself from the situation for a while. I prayed about it. A lot. I felt God gave me the peace to do it, but I also knew it was not a forever thing. I always pushed Mr B to see him and every weekend my kids do see him. When I went to church this past weekend, I heard God tell me what I didn't want to hear. I didn't want to face the pain again, but trusting God, that is what I am doing.

You said to "set aside hurt and fear and frustration and rejection and pain...Give it to God" and that is my daily struggle. How do you do that? Do you just pretend it never happened? How do you just not hurt anymore? How do you just not feel the pain? I don't believe that God wants you to not feel emotion. I believe feeling the emotion and conquering it is what heals you. That is what I am striving for. That is what this blog is for. I come here to be able to journal my true feelings. I also spend a lot of time in prayer. Talking to God guides me. I am not perfect. I make mistakes, but I am dealing with this situation, a situation I did not create, to the best of my abilities.

Whenever I do see the baby I don't shun him...I push through the pain and fake the happiness. That is the best I can do at this point. The death of my old self and my old dreams is a hard thing to grieve. I want to adore this baby. I want to miss him when he's not here, but how do you fake feelings? I can fake the actions, but I don't know how to fake the feelings.

So thank you for taking the time to voice your concern. All you said is Very True and perhaps if I were a stronger person, I would be able to be the selfless heroine. Unfortunately, I am a broken sinner who struggles every day just to make it through.

Laughter Lives Tuesday!

Laughter LivesThis post is part of "Laughter Lives! Tuesday" on the Riggs Family Blog. Check our their blog to read everyone else's "Laughter Lives!" posts.

My sweet Belley-Girl. She is an angel, a helper, little mama, and sometimes T.R.O.U.B.L.E.

I went down stairs with a basket full of laundry. Belle had her back to me, vigorously hiding what she was doing. "Belle, whatcha up to?" Knowing that she was caught, she proudly held up her right leg towards me and showed off the artistic skills of Van Gough on four of her bright red nail polish. "Look Mama! Pretty Piggies!"

Looks like the Big Bad Wolf got to those piggies

Monday, January 19, 2009

Free High End Cosmetics Tomorrow Only

To all my awesome readers out there, many stores including Dillards, Nordstrom, and Macys will be giving away cosmetics as part of a class action lawsuit. See here & here for details. So my question is, since I use cheap makeup, is there anything on this list worth the 15 minute drive? Oh, and your welcome.

This Weekend Sucked

Saturday, Mr B spent the day at his moms with the baby. He then tells me he wants to spend the night over there with him. Maybe I shouldn't have been, but I was upset. Our kids don't get that kind of time with Mr B, let alone, one on one time. All the weeks sadness and hurt came to the surface and I just started to cry. So he told me he understood and he would spend his evening with us. Mr B then went out with our brother in law to dump some stuff. They ended up drinking -by the way, I told Mr B next time he got drunk, I was leaving- and Mr B had too much. I was talking to him on the phone and he kept saying he wanted to come pick me up and we could go out. We were at my moms and the kids were in bed, so it would be no big deal, but I didn't want to go to a bar, thinking at the time that I was pregnant and I didn't want to be around him while he was drunk. I was mad. I told him I didn't want to go to a bar and he said we wouldn't. I asked where we would be going and he just kept saying "Out". I was beyond done with the conversation. I told him I didn't want to go. He said he would drop our brother in law off and then be over. (Yes, he was driving, which made the whole thing even worse)

When he finally made it over he wanted to talk and denied that he had too much to drink...ok, I know when Mr B is drunk and he was. So I asked him what I should do and he told me that he would ask permission to drink from now on. That is not what I want. He is a big boy and needs to make decisions on his own. Me making him quit is not going to work. Seriously at this point, I feel like he should just go stay with his parents...we could separate for a while and he could get to know the baby without worrying what I am going to think. He says he will stop. He will only drink if he is with me and I say its ok...whatever...I am tired of dealing with the whole mess.

The next day, we go to church. Pastor Clint talks about hero's. About excellence. How being excellent is "doing the best you can with what you've got." He talked about living by faith and the legacy you leave behind. I could hear God talking to me. I cried...I didn't want to hear it. I don't want to do it. I want to be done. I want to start over. - None of that is in God's plans. I told Mr B last night that I would start to see the baby again, but only at his mom's house so I could continue to keep our kids protected. He is planning on having the baby spend the night on Friday, so we will be staying with my mom. The anxiety has returned. The hurt and the unhappiness is back, but I know I am doing what God wants and at the end, only good things can come from his will. So I am stepping out in faith knowing God is going to hold me up.

It sucks to feel like your husband has a separate life from you. I hate that he loves the baby...I know that its not the baby's fault, but I can't help but not like him. I am praying that God gives me a love for him. That God gives me a yearning to see him, like I do with my own, but right now, I don't. So here I go...Journeying on a life I don't want and a pain I can't heal. Its all in God's hands now.

His Health ~ Chapter 11

1. How would you describe your husband's general health? I would say his health is good. He could eat better and he doesn't get to work out as often as he would like, but when he notices a weight gain, he pushes himself to make healthier decisions.

2. Are there specific areas of your husband's health that concern you? The only thing that concerns me is that when he is sick or has a symptom of a serious problem, he won't go to the doctor unless I make the appointment and I make him. Once, he had to give three stool samples and I had to lay down a major guilt trip for him to do it. I want him to be proactive about his health. I am so afraid he won't go to the doctor for something that could have been taken care of, but instead it festers into something really bad.

3. Are there and specific areas of your husband's physical health that you are concerned about possibly being a problem in the future? Explain. Not really.

4. Does your husband have good or bad habits when it comes to taking care of his health? Describe and be specific. He could eat better, but a lot of that is my fault because he will eat whatever I make for dinner. I need to make our dinners more healthy.

5. Does your husband have good intentions but poor follow-through, good intentions and good follow-through, or does he have no intentions at all when it comes to taking care of his health? Describe. Good intentions but poor follow-through. He always says he is going to do things, but he doesn't put forward the effort. This applies to many areas of his life.

6. Does your husband have particular habits that bother you because they undermine his health? Explain what they are. Would you describe your attitude about his health habits as being pleasantly patient, cheerfully convicting, or notoriously nagging? Explain. Alcohol. Even though he doesn't drink very often, when he does, he doesn't know his limit. He thinks he is fine to drive and when he gets home, he falls asleep quickly and is dead to the world. He also acts like a different person when he is drunk. He is never mean, but kind of a wuss...I can't be angry with him at the time because it does no good. Besides alcohol, I am pretty patient with him on his health. He goes to the physicals I set up once a year and if I have to nag him for follow up, I will.

7. Are there things you have tried to get your husband to do for his health, but he just won't do them? What are they? How does that make you feel when he won't take your suggestions to heart? What do you think he should be doing for his health? I wish we could go work out in the morning together. He doesn't leave for work until 11 AM, so I would like to get up around 8.30 and go together...he would rather sleep. I understand that, because I feel that way now, but I know it would be so much better if we went to the gym.

8. Read Proverbs 16:24 In light of the Scripture, how can you contribute to your husband's health? By saying things pleasantly to him.

9. Read 2 Kings 20:5 What does this Scripture promise to those who pray fervently? Healing.

Not Me Monday...Part 6

MckMama and her MckFollowers are running a muck over there with their Not-Me's. Click on the button to join in.

What a weekend. So many things I dared to never do, dared to never say, and dared to never here we go.

I did not take three pregnancy tests this weekend, just to get my period today. Good grief, I spotted for ten days prior to my period, had the nausea, headaches, and all other symptoms, all to find out I'm not pregnant. Glad I could live through that hell, just to cramp like crazy today. Oh well.

I did not start to hyperventilate when I found out what it is going to cost to send Belle to pre-school twice a week. I then did not just about fall off of my chair when I came to the realization that after Belle, the very next year, Raef will start and the next year after that, Marcus. And what?!? It's not tax deductible for private tuition!?! Unbelievable!

Since I don't eat pork, I didn't venture over to the "wild side" and try turkey sausage...definitely not as good as pork...

I totally committed that I would go to the gym this morning, so when my alarm clock went off, I didn't rationalize in my head that since Marcus was asleep in my arms, it would be unwise to start working out today. Why wake the baby? Tuesday is just as good as any day to start...I'm totally not regretting that decision now. Get behind me Satan!!!

I did not have to give my husband an ultimatum this weekend...its either alcohol or us...(ok, I did and it sucked - he picked us)

Friday, January 16, 2009

Last Night

So last night I was in a BIT of a bad my dear husband comes home, not having done anything wrong, but knowing its been a trying day. I am trying to control my attitude and it just comes out as one word conversations and shifty eyes. It starts hitting the fan when Raef starts rubbing his macaroni and cheese all over the glass topped kitchen table, followed by Belle repeating over and over "I don't want a big girl cup, I want a sippy cup...Sippy Cup....Sippy Cup!!!!!" Then, as I try to multi task between the apple juice and the watery cheese dripping onto the kitchen floor, I see that someone has put the letter magnets into the dogs bowl...super awesome!

---So this is my conversation with Mr B seconds before I completely lose it---

Mr B: (he has embraced me in a hug and is speaking softly in my ear) "You don't have to do anything tonight. I will take care of everything. You just go down stairs and relax. We can watch The Office and just veg. Then later, I will rub your shoulders and then you can take a nice shower."

---Obviously he has notices my lack of clean hair and no deodorant.---

Me: (sigh....) "That sounds great. I love you."

Mr B: "Then later on, I will sex you up."

His Choices ~ Chapter 10

1. Do you feel your husband generally makes good decisions? Why or Why Not? Yes, I believe he makes good decisions most of the time, being the man that he is now. We both pray over things before we make any big decisions.

2. Do you often see or sense things instinctively that your husband doesn't? How does he react to this? Does he see or sense things that you don't? How do you react to this? I do sense things and he takes my advice and my intuitions very seriously. I appreciate that my thoughts matter and not only do they matter, they are usually a critical part of any decision that ends up being made.

3. Does your husband ask your advice before making major decisions or choices with significant ramifications? Why or Why not? Always. He sees us as a team and any decisions he would make would affect both of us. I would say I make more decisions and tell him about it later than he does. I need to work on that.

4. When you give your husband advice, does he weigh it carefully before making and major decisions or choices? How does that make you feel? How can your prayers help him to make wise choices? He always considers my advice carefully. I think he knows I have a good sense about things and can see possibilities that he may not. It makes me feel great that he sees me as an important role. I hope by praying, it will help Mr B to open his eyes to things I am unable to convince him of. Mostly having to do with dealing with The Other.

5. Read Proverbs 1:7 Does your husband seek God before making decisions? Does he wait for God's leading before acting? Explain. I believe in some areas (like applying for a promoted position) Mr B does seek out God's will. When it comes to other things that he considers insignificant, he goes forward with what he thinks is best.

6. Proverbs 1:5 Write this as a prayer over your husband inserting his name. Let Mr B also hear and gain in learning and also acquire a discerning skill

7. Is there any area in which you think your husband consistently makes poor choices? Pray specifically for this. - Yes, I think with the baby he needs to be more cautious. I don't know what The Other is capable of, but I fear her angry spirit. I don't think there is anything she wouldn't do to get what she wants, but Mr B doesn't take the proper steps to protect himself.

8. Proverbs 11:14 Are there godly people with whom your husband could seek counsel regarding certain decisions? Who are they? If not pray for this in your husband's life. Other than myself or our pastor, I am not sure there is. He is very private and doesn't like to share his feelings or ask others for advice.

9. Write a prayer for your husband regarding godly counselors to impart understanding and direction to your husband. Lord, I pray that You will bring into Mr B's life people whom he can trust, can confide in, and can seek counsel. I pray that You direct his steps and give him the understanding that we are not supposed to do life by ourselves, but surround ourselves with Godly people who can help to balance out the work of our enemy.

Pregnancy Test...Update 2

Negative...We'll see tomorrow.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

How Do I Give Hard Days To God?

Mr B left his phone home today and my curiosity got the best of me. I found text messages to The Other that are appropriate and about the baby, but they are so hard to read. Hard for me to hear him tell her how beautiful he much he loves him. It just sucks so much. I wanted to be the only one he would say that too. I wanted our kids to be the only one he felt that way about. I know that he has to feel that way about all his kids, but I wanted him to just have kids with me, you know? I haven't cried in this kind of way in a long time and it just hurts. To be reminded of it all again. To know that he loves another child that's not mine. I don't even know how to deal with my emotions properly. I just want to escape the pain. But I can't. I have the kids here and I want to be engaged with them. I hate, hate, hate the way my life is now. Divided, not just between the two of us. I want to be the only one, you know? I want to have our family whole. I read a quote this morning, before all my pain came flooding out and I really get it now.

Part of every misery is, so to speak, the misery's shadow or reflection: the fact that you don't merely suffer but have to keep on thinking about the fact that you suffer. I not only live each endless day in grief, but live each day thinking about living each day in grief. -C. S. Lewis

He says it so well. Some days I just live in total misery. AWWWW!!! I know its Satan and I have told him to leave, but the pain remains. Am I to just push it aside and pretend like its not there? I don't feel like that will help me deal with the problem.

So the question is, how do you just Give it to God? I understand the concept, but how do you leave the worry, sadness, regret, sorrow, and devastation behind? How do you truly let God have it?

Mother Of The Year Award...Oh, Wait!?!

I'm doing the happy dance...wiggle, wiggle, wiggle....hold stillllllll....

Thanks Nutty Mom!!! So I'm passing it on to those who I love getting comments from! Congratulations!
  • Mom on a Coulee - I totally covet her house...what a view!
  • Ang - Always supportive. I really look forward to your comments.
  • Jenn - Amazing strength...she is living through tragedy with such grace.
  • This Heidi & This Heidi - If you ever need to have a good laugh, the Heidis are your girls.
  • Christy - Love you girl!
  • Tricia - My favorite mom of six kids!

There you have it! Congratulations!

The Office

Could this show be any funnier?

His Purpose ~ Chapter 9

1.Do you have a sense of what your husband's purpose in life is, or who God created him to be?What is that? Mr B and I both believe that he is supposed work with troubled youth. He is supposed to be doing a class at church and we even talked about getting in on starting a 12 step program for youths at our church, but Mr B is such a procrastinator and even though he has the best intentions, he still hasn't done any of it.

2.Does your husband have an understanding of God's call on his life? What is his understanding of it?
I don't know that he has an understanding, but he knows the direction he is supposed to go. I think if he would just take the first step, God would move in amazing ways.

3.Do you feel your husband is fulfilling the call God has on his life? Not yet
Is he living in the purpose in which God has created for him? Not yet

4. How would you like to see your husband move into what God has called him to be? He has all the doors in front of him, he knows where he can reach out to, but he just needs to do it. My goodness, we had a neighbor move in about four months ago, Belle and I took them cookies and we found out he was a juvenile parole officer...what more can God do? Our kids aren't old enough to be arrested!

5. Write Ephesians 1:17-19 as a prayer over your husband inserting his name.
I pray that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of glory, may give Mr B a spirit of wisdom and revelation as Mr B comes to know Him, so that with the eyes of Mr B's heart enlightened, Mr B may know what is the hope of which he has called Mr B, what are the riches of His glorious inheritance among the saints, and what is the immeasurable greatness of His power for us who believe, according to the working of His great power.

6. Write Psalm 20:4 as a prayer over your husband.
May He grant Mr B his heart's desire and fulfill all his plans.

7. Have you sought God about the call on your life? If so, what is it?
I believe my call has always been to be a support to a man who is somehow connected to the ministry. I always thought I would be a preacher's wife and maybe someday, I will be. I believe God is really pulling Mr B in a big way to do His will. I keep telling Mr B that the reason he has such issues at work is because he has no fulfillment. He should be going after his calling, but he isn't. Until Mr B is in his calling, I will be unable to be in mine.

8.The call on your life and on your husband's life will never be in conflict. If they seem to be, ask God to clarify that to you. It may have to be with timing. How do you see God working out His call on both of your lives? (If you don't know write a prayer asking Him to reveal that to you) Like I said previously, we are a ying and yang. We need each other to be able to complete our purpose, but I can't do it without him and he can't do it without me.9. If your husband is already moving in the call God has on his life, the enemy will try to cast doubt and discouragement into his soul. Do you ever see that happening? How can you support him in prayer to help keep that from happening? I do see that. I see that he gets down on himself at work, therefore doesn't have the drive to move forward outside of work. I made him promise me he would call about volunteering last week and he did promise, but when I asked him on Saturday, he told me he didn't and that he had just been too busy. All I can do is pray that God gives him an intense motivation to drive after the opportunities God is setting in front of him.


Enable his to walk worthy of his calling and become the man of God You made him to be. Continue to remind him of what You've called him to and don't let him get sidetracked with things that are unessential to Your purpose. Strike down discouragement so that it will not defeat him. Life his eyes above the circumstances of the moment so he can see the purpose for which You created him. Give him patience to wait for Your perfect timing. I pray that the desires of his heart will not be in conflict with the desires of Yours. May he seek You for direction and hear when You speak to his soul.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

His Fears ~ Chapter 8

Today, I am going to answer questions from the accompanying work book for The Power of a Praying Wife.

1. List any fears you know your husband has. Do you share any of those fears? Why? Failing, not being good enough, looking weak, being weak - I guess the only one I really identify with is not being good enough, but only in our relationship. I don't worry about not being a good wife, but I do worry about his perception. You know, the grass always looks greener on the other side. I really believe that Mr B could have been married to Angelina Jolie and he still would have cheated. I guess that's the scary part.

2. Ask your husband if there are any fears that he has that he would like you to pray specifically for. Are there any that he mentioned that was not in your list from question 1, or that you weren't aware of? Failure, God, Losing My Family

3. How have your husbands fears affected you? Failure - This one has affected me by him not balancing his work life and his home life. He wants to badly to be successful, that he doesn't have boundaries for work.
Losing My Family - I think this affects me in a good way because he works harder and puts in an effort that I don't think he saw as being necessary before. Although I don't want him to think that I could leave for any infraction, I think its good that he knows he needs to stay on the straight and narrow as much as possible, that messing up to that magnitude again is not worth the price.

4. Read 1John 4:18 in your Bible. What takes away fear? Love...can I say that I don't get this verse? Only perfect love comes from God right? So since Mr B will never give perfect love, will I always fear? I didn't fear before, but now I do and his love wasn't perfect back then either.

5. Who is the only one in the universe who has perfect love? Who should you pray will penetrate your husband's life? God. Thank goodness for that! Without God, I feel like our relationship would be so empty. Of course I would have stayed, mostly for the kids, but with God involved and loving us with His perfect love, we have only become stronger.

6. Read Psalm 27:1 When God is you strength, of whom should you be afraid? No one. I know this is easy to comprehend in my head, but my heart has trouble with it. Its so hard to wrap your mind around. God is invisible and even though I KNOW through faith He is real, its still hard to never be afraid. I know He has my best interest. I know He has the best path for me...I know these things in my head. But when something comes along, like a social worker, it is hard not to be afraid. I guess its overcoming the "flesh" or human side of yourself and asking God to give you divine peace.

7. Read Psalm 34:4 in your Bible. In light of this Scripture how could you pray for your husband so that he would be set free from fear? Seeking after the Lord. Truthfully, what does that mean? I am looking for answers through the Bible. Going to church and diligently paying attention and spending time in prayer, having an open dialogue with God. Is that what it means to "seek" the Lord?

This chapter really was a loop back to the chapter of His Mind. I feel like his fears are irrational and only due to the false thoughts he has. Its not as if he is in a trailer with a tornado heading straight towards him...that would be real fear, but he fears baseless thoughts that aren't rooted in reality. Not being good enough at work - Mr B got home from work around 9.30 last night, went back in for a meeting at 6.30 this morning and won't get off until 9.30 tonight. His numbers are number one in the company and he is a tremendous leader. I don't see why these thoughts affect him, but maybe he works so hard because he is always trying to prove himself. When we were in counseling, the counselor asked Mr B if he thought of himself as a failure, because he couldn't keep up with the impossible demands at work which led him to drink. Mr B said yes. The counselor then asked, if you aren't naturally good at something, does that make you a failure. Mr B said yes. The counselor then said, well, I have never learned to ice skate, therefore, I am not good at it. Does that make me a failure? Mr B said, "Yes. If you can't succeed at something, no matter what it is, you are a failure.". Instead of looking at his accomplishments, the enemy has gotten him to focus on the things that he can't succeed at. Besides praying, how can I turn this around? I am going to praise him more often...he doesn't hardly get any of that at work, but that is another issue. The enemy really has a hold on his mind. I hate that. He is so sneaky.

Wordless Wednesday...Part 3 & With Words

Caught Belle with Mr B's razor* and Raef** with shaving gel in his hair. Nough said***.

*I did take the razor away when I went to get the camera
**Yes, that is marinara sauce all over Raef's mouth
***I do believe I should be up for mother of the year

Pregnancy Test...Update 1

So I got up this morning about 5.30 AM...peed on the stick and only one line. For you novice's out there, that means Not Pregnant. I will take another on Friday and will let you know then. :)

Monday, January 12, 2009

His Mind ~ Chapter 7

"If he and I were one, then an assault on his mind was an assault on me as well. I could stand with him in the battle by declaring, "This is not God speaking into my husband's life, it's the voice of the enemy. I'm not going to stand by and watch deadly games being played with his mind and our lives."
I have never thought of it this way. We are ONE. An assault on him IS an assault on me.

"He doesn't always see the traps of an enemy who wants him to believe that what he faces insurmountable. His mind fills with words like hopeless, no good, failure, impossible, it's over and why try?"
Mr B has these things running through his mind constantly. He has been telling me about it a lot lately. I just thought it was his chemical imbalance and tried to just give him encouraging words. I now see that it indeed is the enemy. He comes to destroy and taking down Mr B's self esteem is a pit he can't climb out of without Gods help. This also applies to me. I need it just as much and will be praying for Mr B, myself and our relationship.

"The two most powerful weapons against the attack of lies upon your husband's mind are the Word of God and praise."

I am really seeing what she means. Mr B, just this weekend, has really started reading the Bible. I feel God has been listening and even prepping Mr B for this chapter. I am so excited.

"I remind him that God has not given him a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind. I tell him I'm praying for him to claim to that sound mind at all times."
With Mr B's family history of chemical imbalance, he has had a tough time with depression and feeling like since he can't do everything, he is a failure. This is not of God. He wants Mr B to be confident and not fear.


I pray for Your protection on my husband's mind. Shield him fro the lies of the enemy. Help him to clearly discern between Your voice and any other, and show him how to take every thought captive as You have instructed us to do. Give him strength to resist lying thoughts. Where the enemy's lies have already invaded his thoughts, I push them back by inviting the power of the Holy Spirit to cleanse his mind. By the authority given to me in Christ, I command all lying spirits away from my husband's mind. He will not entertain confusion, but live in clarity. He will not be tormented with impure, evil, negative, or sinful thoughts, but be transformed by the renewing of his mind...may Your peace, which surpasses all understanding, guard his heart and mind through Christ...whatever things are true, noble, just, pure, lovely, of good report, having virtue, or anything praiseworthy, let him think on these things.

I felt like this chapter said it all. I always saw his chemical imbalance as a disease, but I never thought to pray for healing like I would if it were a disease. Of course I know God has the power to heal anything, but I just never thought of it in those terms. I also never thought of it as Satan messing with his was always just his lack of chemicals. My eyes have been opened. Wow...I think prayer in this area could help most of all. It was his depression and low self worth that led him to self medicate which also led to the affairs. I am so excited about this. The grip of his fear when he is off his medication is overwhelming. It takes over his personality and he becomes a different person. Wow, the things that are possible.

His Temptations ~ Chapter 6

"The enemy of our souls knows where our flesh is the weakest and he will put temptations in our paths at our most vulnerable points."
I know that Satan knows us better than we know ourselves. He knows our buttons and knows how to destroy us. Although Mr B must take full responsibility for the decisions he made, I am also aware the Satan is behind this too and I refuse to let him win. That's what he wants, to destroy me, destroy Mr B and destroy our family. Its hard to keep that in mind when it hurts so bad, but I know its true.


I pray that You would strengthen my husband to resist any temptation that comes his way. Make him strong where he is weak. Establish a wall of protection around him. Fill him with Your Spirit and flush out all that is not of You. Help him to take charge over his own spirit and have self-control to resist anything and anyone who becomes a lure. May he "abhor what is evil. Cling to what is good." I pray that he will be repulsed by tempting situations.

This was a hard chapter to read. I know that sometimes women push men away. That women are not the wives their husbands need. That wives sometimes forget about their husbands altogether. By no means am I perfect, but I can tell you I ALWAYS put his thoughts, feelings, needs before my own. She writes in the beginning of the chapter how it almost seemed to be the wifes fault. I hate that...I know I was the best wife I could be. Sure, I need to pray more, I need to work on myself, but I can honestly say that I gave him no reason to cheat. I only know that alcohol played a large part and when a man is willing to give himself to that over his family, he is already too far gone. That just led to more...I don't even want to go there...I feel Satan close by, playing on my insecurities and I refuse to let him get one inch. I love my husband and we are doing 1000 times better. Almost all of the time, he is the man I want to live my whole life with. I will continue to pray.

Not Me Monday...Part 5

Here we are again. Another glorious Monday. Oh, the hilarity of last week. Here we go.

Ms. Belle did not tell my mom that she hurt her *ahem* lady area. When my mom inquired if she was ok, Belle did not say, "Grandma, it hurts...will you kiss it".

I don't ever fight with Mr B and I certainly don't yell out at him that "I'm PREGNANT" just to win an argument. If I am pregnant, I was totally planning to surprise him for Valentines Day, so yelling it at him is totally not something I would do.

I did not buy a four pack of pregnancy tests yesterday even though I am not supposed to get my period for another 5 days. I haven't already peed on two...they were negative...(they really were negative. I will take another Wednesday and another Friday...between you and me "WOO HOO!" I am not ready to be pregnant again, but if God sends us the blessing, I will be more than happy to accept another gift)...back to Not Me's...

I didn't get an enormous craving for rotisserie chicken at 2 AM and then proceed to the grocery store in my husband's Darth Vader pajama pants to claim my victory. I would never pout when there were NO rotisserie chickens and instead by a pair of $9 chicken breasts instead. I then didn't come home and spend an hour cooking said breasts, while my cravings started to make me hallucinate. Mr B didn't wake up right when they finished and eat one while I ate the other as we watched season two of The Office...craving TOTALLY satisfied. I didn't notice today that their wrapper said "Turkey"...huh?

I don't secretly wish that I was the husband and Mr B was the wife.

I didn't meet the most amazing Pomeranian this weekend and then make Mr B promise to get me one. I mean, we have two German Shepherds...a Pomeranian is a tasty snack. I haven't already started picking out names and dreaming of Christmas dresses...

Friday, January 9, 2009

Coleman Scott

A sweet little five year old boy lost his battle with cancer on Monday. His name is Coleman Scott. Please pray for his family, especially his twin brother Caden. I found this parable on his website. It really inspired me, so I am passing it to you.

Once upon a time, twin boys were conceived in the same womb. Weeks passed and the twins developed. As their awareness grew, they laughed for joy, “isn’t it great that we were conceived? Isn’t it great to be alive?”Together the twins explored their world. When they found their mother’s cord that gave them life, they sang for joy, “how great is our Mother’s love, that she shares her own life with us!”As weeks stretched into months, the twins noticed how much each was changing. “what does it mean?” asked the one. “It means that our stay in this world is drawing to an end, said the other. “But I don’t want to go”, said the other, “but maybe there is life after birth.” But how can there be?” responded the other one. “We will shed our life cord, and how is life possible without it? Besides, we have seen evidence that others were here before us and none of them have returned to tell us that there is life after birth. No, this is the end.”And so the one fell into deep despair, saying, “If conception ends in birth, what is the purpose of life in the womb? It is meaningless! Maybe there is no mother after all?” “But there has to be,” protested the other. “How else did we get here? How do we remain alive?”How you ever seen our mother?” said one. “Maybe she lives only in our minds. Maybe we made her up because the idea made us feel good?”And so the last days in the womb were filled with deep questioning and fear. Finally, the moment of birth arrived. When the twins had passed from their world, they opened their eyes and cried for joy. For what they saw exceeded their fondest dreams.
Author Unknown

His Affection ~ Chapter 5

"God worked on Patti. He spoke to her about obeying Him in the area of eating right and getting proper exercise..."
I totally need to get my butt back to the gym. I could lose a few pounds even though I have lost the baby weight, but I definitely need some definition. I also find when I work out, I have more energy and I am in a better mood. I am starting this on Monday...seriously this time!

So affection isn't really a problem for us. Mr B likes to hold hands, he always gives me a kiss hello or goodbye...that is one of the things I really like about him. I am kind of a needy person in that I always need that reassurance and he is good about giving it to me. Another thing I really like about Mr B is that when he gives me a hug or rubs my shoulder, there are no ulterior motives. He isn't doing it to get laid. He just does it because it is second nature to us. I also really appreciate it that he is affectionate with the kids. However, sometimes I find myself a bit jealous that Mr B will shower Belle with kisses and I don't get it to that degree...maybe I am just being a baby. I am really glad that he is affectionate with her, but sometimes, I wish the way he lighted up around her, he would light up that way around me. I guess its different...I'm not complaining, I do know how blessed I am. I guess it's not really affection I want...its the adoration. I just want to be adored. Does that make me a diva? :)


Help us to demonstrate how much we care for and value each other...Enable us to be warm, tender, compassionate, loving and adoring.

Friday Freebie...Part 2


I so won! Wohoo! I guess brown nosing totally works, huh Ang?!? :) Come on over and I'll share my viddles with you!

Today, Ms. Heidi is givin away all the fixins' for a yummy family dinner. You know, the staples, spaghetti, sauce, brownies, green beans, brownies, olives...did I say brownies? Mmmm...

Thursday, January 8, 2009

His Sexuality ~ Chapter 4

Not for the faint've been warned.

So, I didn't highlight anything in this chapter. Mr B and I have sex regularly and if anyone gets turned down, its me. I have more of an appetite for it than he does, but that is due to his medicine. One thing we have been working on though is his approach and his "get right to it" attitude. For me to have a good time, I need a little something before hand. It took him nine years to understand what I was saying to him, but he finally got it and we do a good job practicing it. Another thing we are working on is having sex during the week because once on Sundays, right before church is not enough for me. Is that TMI? If so, just forget I said it. :) That's another thing, he wants to be spontaneous, but that always means while I am getting dressed to go somewhere we are already late for and the kids are all the worst possible time.

We were actually talking the other night, right after the hot chocolate and strawberry milk, I was saying, if he woke up in the middle of the night and wanted to, go for it...then I said, "You know, if it was me who wanted to in the middle of the night, you would tell me you were too tired and roll back over to go to sleep."...he admitted I was right and we both laughed.

One other thing she doesn't address a lot is the fact that when we are in the middle of it, I can't concentrate. I am thinking of those other women. I know its the enemy and last night I told him to get out! I think I just need to practice that. I also need to get my butt back to the gym and get back in shape. I feel too jiggly...I hate not being confident, you know? When I feel good about myself, I want to be with him even more.

Another thing that Mr B is struggling with that I had no idea about was internet porn. After we went and saw Fireproof, (in the movie, he has a problem with porn) Mr B confessed it to me and told me he had already stopped, but wanted me to know...thought I should know. The other night, he was on the computer and an add popped up. He said he thought about it for a minute then clicked the ad off. He said he realized later he was being tested and he passed. I am really proud of him for making progress and telling me about it, even though he knew I wouldn't find out.

Ok, was that enough? Now you know just about it all...nitty gritty...well, I could go on, but I will spare you. :)

Six Descriptive Words

Mama Kat is having a feel good/bad about yourself marathon...ok, my words not hers. Here is the question:

Ask a loved one to use 6 descriptive words to describe you and report your findings. How well do they know you?

So I asked Mr B, all through text messages of course and here's how it goes.

My Text
I need the top six words you would use to describe me. Be honest.

His Text
Beautiful, honest, extroverted or outgoing, intelligent, upstream thinker (or any other one word that best describes that characteristic), and gullible. What about me? I want to play?

My Text
Do you mean forward thinker, like out side the box or I think ahead like into the future?

His Text
Both, I'd say in depth thinker, but how do you sum that up into one word?

My Text
I have 7 not in any particular order. Understanding, generous, charismatic, selfless, romantic, gorgeous and funny.

Now isn't that all so sweet? Except I think he could have left gullible out...even if it is VERY true and I told him to be honest, I don't think I really meant it. So I am replacing it with Extremely Talented. Its my blog, I'll change his answer, change the rules, and you will like it. Thanks for liking it...I am honest....and beautiful. Don't forget beautiful.

So there you have it.

In depth Thinker
Extremely Talented

I accept my award with total humility....


Mr B called me on his way home last night and this is how the conversation went:

Him: When I don't achieve something, do you feel like I'm a failure?

**Kinda caught off guard...usually, there is at least a greeting

Him: (Mostly to himself) I'm not asking this right...(Back to me) When I fail, do you think of me as a loser? Like I didn't try hard enough or I would have succeeded?

Me: No, of course not.

Him: Do you not say things to spare my feelings?

Me: What? Ummmmm... (Now thorougly confused)

Him: I mean, do you not say things because you are afraid I will be mad?

Me: No, I tell you things I need to say, I just think them through before I say them.

Him: Ok..

**I can hear in the background that the radio is really loud. Its a talk show and I can hear Mr B trying to repeat what the host is saying.

Him: Ok, ok...Do you ever feel like you have to walk on eggshells around me?

Me: No.

Him: Good, good...Do you feel like you can't bring up certain topics with me?

Me: No.

Him: Alright...(talking to himself)...that's 1,2,3,4...there's another one...Oh, I know...(back to me)...Do I ever make you feel bad about yourself.

Me: make me feel great about myself. What is all this about? Did I answer them right?

Him: Yes you answered them right. I am listening to this show on the radio and they are talking about best friends...and you are my best friend!!!

***He sounded so giddy about there might be a chance we were mortal enemies, but the quiz just turned that upside down and we were indeed friends. Just not friends, but BEST.FRIENDS.

When he got home, he had a huge grin on his face, slapped me a high five and said, "Sup BFF!!!"...

Sometimes I wonder about that man...he is too funny.