yellow

Monday, January 5, 2009

His Wife ~ Chapter 1

I am reading the book The Power of a Praying Wife by Stormie Omartain. I will be posting everyday my notes from the book.

I have taken out some exerts from the book that I italicised and then put my thoughts underneath them.

"God considers the sins of uforgiveness, anger, hatred, self-pity, lovelessness, and revenge to be just as bad as any others."
Self-pity is a big one for me. I feel so sorry for myself sometimes. For the life I lost and the new elements that have now been brought into my life. It's hard for me to accept the death of the whole family I wanted. To know that there is someone else who will be in our lives for ever, not just the baby, but his mother as well. I know that self-pity is not helpful and holds me back, but I guess I just don't know how to let go of that dream. Something else I will be praying for.

"One of the greatest gifts you can give your husband is your own wholeness."
That is so scary for me. I did give him everything once and I was brought to the point of death. Just the physical pain from the affair nearly killed me. Since then I have built walls. I know it, I don't deny it, but I feel like its self preservation. Like I am no longer that woman I was before, so easy to give my "wholeness" to him. If he ever cheated again, I don't think it would be as painful as it was the first time...it could never be. I would leave, which would be hard, but I would have the strength to do it. I feel like I can't just let him have all of me again. Maybe that's the problem though. Maybe I shouldn't have given all of myself to him in the first place. God needs to have top priority...I will pray for that too.

"What I'm saying is that your attitude must be, "Whatever You want, Lord. Show me and I'll so it." It means being willing to die to yourself and say, "Change me Lord."
I have been working on this for a while. I know God knows what's best for me much better than I do. I want to live up to the potential that the Lord set for me. I know with the Lord's strength I will be able to do anything.

"...create in me a clean and right spirit before You. Give me a new, positive, joyful, loving, forgiving attitude toward him."
I find this difficult, especially when dealing with the baby. I have been really crying out the Lord to change my attitude. I haven't been very successful. Another thing to pray for.

"Help me not to hold myself apart from him emotionally, mentally, or physically because of unforgivness."
I feel like sometimes I do hold back, not because of unforgivness, but because Satan starts whispering in my ears and I listen. Sometimes when we are intimate, I start to compare myself to those other women, wondering if he is thinking of them, wondering if he compares me to them. I know these thoughts are not of the Spirit. These thoughts bring my self esteem down and hurt my spirit. I find myself sometimes holding back...I don't want to be this way. I want to enjoy my husband without hearing those words from the enemy. I need to be more bold.

The Lord will always give us words to say, and show us when to say them if we ask Him.
I have a big mouth...surprise, surprise. I want to really go to the Lord and be wise about the words I choose to say, not only to him, but to everyone.

"...the heart of your home is a peaceful sanctuary-a source of contentment, acceptance, rejuvenation, nurturing, rest and love for your family...Ask the Lord to show you how to make your home a safe haven that builds up your family-a place where creativity flows and communication is ongoing."
I really struggle with this. I cannot seem to keep my house in order. I try and try, but I feel like I have four people always undoing all the things I have done. I really need to go to the Lord about this, ask Him to make my heart show through the home I keep and to help me keep it the way it should be kept.

"Show me how to dismantle this barrier over my emotions that keeps me from having the unconditional love You want me to have...Give me Your heart for him, Lord, and help me to see him the way You see him."
If anything in this chapter spoke to me, it was this. The barriers that hold back all my love from him...its a hard thing to tear down. Oh God, help me! I so want those barriers gone, but the scary side is overwhelming.

At the end of every chapter, there is a prayer for that day. I pulled out the pieces that I feel I need to work on and pray to God about.

Prayer Portion

"Help me put aside any hurt, anger or disappointment...I release my husband from the burden of fulfilling me in areas where I should be looking to You...Where love has died, create new love between us...I pray that our commitment to You and to another will grow stronger and more passionate every day...Breathe Your life into our marriage...Help me see him with new eyes, new appreciation, new love, new compassion, and new acceptance. Give my husband a new wife, and let it be me."

Let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart. ~ Galatians 6:9

Sometimes it felt like the things she was telling women to get over were just so petty...you know? If those were only my issues...it all seems so trivial. Yeah, women need to not nag, not over expect, but me? I just want my husband faithful. There was nothing I could have done to keep him from cheating. It would have happened regardless. Maybe praying would have helped, but he was already so far gone. He worked so many hours, I never did see him. He lied to me about what was going on, how could I have changed that? I was always understanding, always helpful, always looking out for him. But there in lies the problem...I keep looking to the past. I don't bring up the past to him, but I always feel the enemy in my ear...shouting all my insecurities.

I am taking a stand, pushing the enemy away, putting God in the place of my strength, and praying for my husband and marriage. I love him so much. Did I tell you he has been working on a letter for me all weekend. He probably put in six hours. He is such a different guy now and he deserves a better wife. I love him with all my heart. I'll let you know how it goes.

5 comments:

Nutty mom-- said...

I really like this....your words and thoughts are so powerful, and so real. I hope this book and journey brings you to the place where you want to be with your husband.

Jen said...

I read this same book, 3 times! Each time it had a different meaning and enriched our lives in ways I never knew a marriage could! Keep the faith, it is SO worth it.

The Hixson Family said...

I can so relate to what you are going through. My husband wasn't unfaithful with another woman, but his unfaithfulness came in the form of a drug addiction. There are so many past hurts that can destroy our marriage if we let them. But those things (self-pity, anger, resentment) aren't from God. You're not alone in your fight. Thanks for sharing yourself, your story has really touched me.

Ang said...

All I can say is WOW!!! How you can be so strong to put your feelings down like that and admit those things. You are so much stronger than you realize!!! I think all of us should pray what you are praying for in your marriage..all of us are just one thought, one sin, one action that the devil would love to trap us with. I know as you do to turn it all over to God but with so much it's easier said that done. I am so proud of you and the journey you are making.

Daberath said...

I enjoyed reading your thoughts on this book. It is great that you are able to open up your heart on this blog. I am sure God will reward your honesty! Praying for you as you try to better your marriage. I admire all the courage you have....its been very evident through your writing. I hope everything works out just like you want it to!