Friday, November 20, 2009
It was an unseasonably warm day, so we went to the park. Belle was on a mission to find dandy lions to blow, Raef wouldn't let go of his apple, the baby followed along and Marcus kept having to have his uneven bangs swept to the side. Mr B and I had a nice time letting the kids run free and just holding hands, appreciating our blessings. It was a truly fantastic day.
Go to Blue Rue Studio's 'Access Gallery' and enter code cf6839ee.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
He put an entire plan together including a plane ride, photographers a ferry and a wooden ring he widdled himself. Where did he get this sentimental side you ask? I have no idea! My dad's idea of a Christmas gift for my mom was letting her buy herself whatever she wanted.
Thinking back on my little brother, I remember his chubby cheeks (not so chubby anymore), our sibling fights and my best friend (until I entered high school of course!) Then he moved away and now I miss him greatly, but hey, I got an awesome new sister out of it, so I guess that makes up for it...oh yeah, and he's incredibly happy...what else could a big sister ask for.
Congratulations Nick and Dani! I can't wait to see your babies! :)
Monday, September 14, 2009
I started a new business! Yeah! It's called Humble Like This Child (from Matthew 18:4 -Whoever becomes humble like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.)
I make dolls, tutu's and dresses. Kind of my creative outlet. Its been incredibly time consuming but is a great reward. You can see it here. I hope you check it out.
Also, I wanted to let you know that I am hosting a raffle for Mrs R, one of my favorite blogging mommies. She is going through so much, that I ask you to please say a prayer for her. If you want more info on the raffle (where the prize is a custom doll) you can go here.
Also, if you see something you like, here's a 10% off coupon, just for you...just enter "MyBlog" in your cart. :)
I have also been working on my spiritual journey. Remember when I asked "How do you give the hard days to God?" Well, I think I figured it out. It's not about giving Him the pain so that I no longer have pain. It's about KNOWING that He has a plan for my pain. "...but he said to me, My grace is sufficient for you, for power is made perfect in weakness."
So that's what I've been up to? How bout you?
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Check it out here. Let me know what you think and if you have any good ideas for stories, I would love to here about them.
If you are interested in writing on Examiner.com yourself (you do get paid!). Sign up here and mention my ID code (13316)...I read a lot of your blogs and you all are such fantastic writers! You can have a column on just about anything! My heart lies in politics....boring, boring, but I love it!
So go take a look and if you must, click on an add...just kidding! :)
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
My heart starts racing...what could it be? Was she going to try and take the baby away? Was she deciding that we could have him? Was she moving to another country? Let me tell you, the next words out of Mr B's mouth were no where in my top million ideas of what she wanted to talk about. "She told me she's a lesbian."
What?!? A lesbian. She couldn't have figured that out three years ago, BEFORE she slept with my husband?
So what now? We already have to explain the baby to our kids, but now his mommy likes other girls. Could my life be any more bizarre?
Here's the kicker...I'm kinda relieved. Like she's not competition anymore. Does that even make sense? I don't think Mr B would make that mistake again, but it's almost like I can see her differently now.
So Mr B and I actually had the conversation of whether she was the "girl" or the "boy". Sad thing is, we don't know...
I sit here writing about her for the first time without crying. It's a weird sensation. No anger, no rage, no betrayal. It seems strange to think that such "out-there" news got me over the hump. Just goes to show, who knows what can happen in a day.
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Thursday, May 14, 2009
I even talked Mr B into going kayaking with me. It was a blast!
We rented a car one day and drove down to Akumal to have a burger at Lol-Ha. Seriously, the best burger I have ever had...so yummy. And not too bad of a view either!
We stayed at a hotel on Maroma Beach...beautiful sand, perfect waves and the most gorgeous blue. We frolicked a bit in it.
Since there were so few people there, the staff became VERY bored and decided Mr B needed to be buried in the sand. Then it was decided that I needed to be buried in the sand too. Mr B is Pamela and I am the Hoff...
On Cinco De Mayo (which the Mexican people don't celebrate except in Mexico City) we headed to a gringo bar in Playa del Carmen called the Luna Blue. We had a great time there listening to music and having Margaritas...ok, I watched Mr B have Margaritas. :)
The best part? When we got home, Mr B's work called and told him to stay home for two days. They were quarantining him due to the H1N1 virus. How funny is that? The virus was 1200 miles away from us in Mexico, but only a few miles away from the KC metro area. Oh well, two more days to relax!
Saturday, May 2, 2009
Monday, April 27, 2009
It's been too long. Actually, I can't take all the blame. My internet has been in and out and when it's "in" I am trying to get work done! Ok, and maybe a little Craigs List.
I miss my friends...my bloggy friends and today was the day I was going to get back on track. That was until the swine flu hit. We are supposed to be leaving next Monday, but I am afraid they are going to close the borders. Either before we go or while we're down there. Doesn't matter. Mr B says we're going no matter what, but I am checking out other spots in case they do...Jamaica anyone?
The Other has been a real pain lately. She seemed receptive on giving us more time until she had time to think it over. She now says no. Refuses to go to mediation, although the mediator told Mr B that if she wouldn't go, we would have to go to court and the judge would then make us go to mediation and she would have to pay for it (otherwise it's free).
She also showed up at the door wearing a skimpy, tight, dare I say "hoochy" outfit. I nearly slammed the door in her face. Ugh!
Guess what? I've lost 20 lbs! Woohoo! Just a few more left and maybe a little 'back fat' if you will. :)
So, how you all doing? I promise to try and catch up tomorrow. As long as my internet comes up.
Love and kisses to you all!
Monday, April 13, 2009
This past Saturday, we went to pick up the baby. The Other informed Mr B that if he wanted, he could keep him late. Red flag anyone? Mr B said ok and we proceeded to get into the car. As we drove off, I said "You know she won't pick him up at all, right? She's going to say you agreed to keep him and make you look irresponsible." Mr B shot me an irritated look and said that he would confirm with her what time she would pick him up. We headed over to his parents house and when we got there, he texts her and asked her to be there at 6 (usual pick up time is 5) and she agreed.
Later that evening (around 5:30) Mr B receives a text saying that she loaned her car to her cousin and he would need to drive 45 minutes (in the opposite direction of our house) to drop him off. Mr B texts back saying "Why would you be so irresponsible as to loan your car out when you knew you had to pick up your son? You need to find a way to get here." She replies back that our lawyer said that she didn't have a car and we would be willing to do the pick ups and drop offs. Why won't he help her out? Just a note - after our judge made that comment, she adamantly pleaded saying she did have a car and would be able to make the drop offs. Mr B says that the court order says they have a joint responsibility and one is to pick up and one is to drop off. He then asks her "Are you going to break that order?" She replies she is on her way.
When she shows up in her car she has brought with her all her friends who are seemingly dressed to go clubbing. Surprise, surprise right? Mr B makes sure there is no alcohol on her breath and that he has a car seat. Last time she had a family member hold him in her lap. I was beyond livid.
The next morning, Mr B goes to pick him up (we borrowed his parents car and returned it after church when we went there for Easter) and she gave him a hard time about him wanting a diaper bag. Can you imagine a mother not wanting to send her son out with his essentials? Mr B and I pay for those...its not even like we are asking her to pay for it. Anyway, he tells her again, it is in the court agreement...are you going to break it? About this time, a unidentified twenty something guy walks in...looking like he just woke up.
Mr B brings the baby to church where we work the nursery. The baby is in the nursery room with us and another adult. He doesn't want to play, in fact he cries to any adult who comes in the room. He wants to be picked up by anyone. The kids seemed scary to him, even though we never left the room.
After she came and picked him up, Mr B and I were just heart broken. I hate sending him back to her and after this weekend, I just feel more and more sick that he is there. He doesn't talk, doesn't play, doesn't smile, and doesn't understand kisses. We had a long discussion about it and have agreed that the best thing for him would be to be at our house as much as possible. We are hoping that if we "offer" to make things easier on her and take him during the week, she will go for it.
So I am asking that you please pray for us. That this situation is dealt with swiftly and the baby makes a good adjustment. That all issues and details surrounding bringing this child home would be figured out quickly.
I think for the first time, I can say with all honesty that I have real love for this little boy. My heart is breaking just thinking about him. I wish he was here.
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
I walked in to check on Marcus today and found him sitting up. This is a recent milestone that I quite enjoy, however, I had never seen him successfully do it in his crib. Guess we're gonna have to lower his mattress tonight. Sorry about the poor quality. I recorded the videos on my phone.
He still can't crawl, but he's getting awfully close don't you think?
Later on in the day, I took the kids down to the park. Marcus has never enjoyed swinging, but today, he really seemed to like it...you might turn down the volume...I use my high pitch/mama voice. I apologize in advance.
Did you notice in both videos that he has discovered his tongue? It's really funny when you go in for a kiss and you are assaulted by that thing! :)
Friday, April 3, 2009
Brit Brit did a great job and looked fantastic. She was a little thick-and by that I mean she has a butt and boobs-, but to tell you the truth, I prefer her that way. No space between her inner thighs, a little cellulite, but definitely healthy and strong. See for yourself.
Edit: Some people are offended by the word "thick". I am only meaning to say that she didn't look like she was starving herself and she had great curves in all the right places. The word wasn't meant to be in anyway derogatory. Again, I think she looks amazing. I would also say that Marilyn Monroe was thick and Kim Kardashian is thick. Both beautiful and both curvy. I hope that makes sense.
I was assuming that there would be lots of tweens, but I saw very few under the age of 18. Actually, the lady who sat next to me and screamed like a 13 year old girl was 30 from Illinois. Makes me look sane! :)
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
- 1 beef roast, any kind (2-3.5 lbs)
- 1 (1 1/4 ounce) package brown gravy mix, dry
- 1 (1 1/4 ounce) package dried Italian salad dressing mix
- 1 (1 1/4 ounce) package ranch dressing mix, dry
- 1/2 cup water
- Place beef roast in crock pot.
- Mix the dried mixes together in a bowl and sprinkle over the roast.
- Pour the water around the roast.
- Cook on low for 7-9 hours.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
So I guess Satan has turned his attention but has not changed his strategy. He is so clever. I think I am more upset that Mr B is upset than I was with the dreams myself. Tricky, very tricky. But alas, he will not pull us apart. We are dedicated and determined, even through the tough stuff.
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish it's work so that you may be mature, and complete, not lacking anything." - James 1:2-4.
To tell you the truth, I think we are a better couple when we are going through trials together. It is making us stronger as a couple and we rely more on God. So I am stepping forward and considering all of Satan's ill fated plans, pure joy!
Saturday, March 28, 2009
I broke down, lost my mind. Have you ever woken up devastated? In my dream, I decided I couldn't do it again and I was leaving. Taking my kids away from their father because I didn't have the strength to live with another child that wasn't mine. To deal with another woman who had been most intimate with my husband. The pain was unbearable.
So why am I writing about this? Because it hasn't left me. I think about that dream and it takes me back to that place of hopelessness. But you know what? I know it's Satan. I know that he is a master at what he does. He knows my deepest fears and the best way to prey on them.
So I am lifting my head up and crying out to God. He has to be the one to protect me from Satan. I am learning that. I can't do that on my own and I have to stop thinking I can. My significance is only because I am made in the image of Him. He is my rock, but sometimes, I think I trip over it instead of standing on it. Working on it... :)
Friday, March 27, 2009
2. Do events of the day affect your husband's attitude, or is he able to rise above them and cast his cares on the Lord with ease? Explain. If it's about work, its hard for him to let go, but eventually he does. I believe it's just his human side showing through. The more he relies on God, the more work he sees Him doing, the easier it is for him to let go next time.
3. Do you react to negativity in your husband? How so? Do you immediately go to the Lord in prayer about it? How could you respond more positively?????? Especially now, yes. With my diet comes grouchiness, which has nothing to do with him and everything to do with my own lack of patience. I am really working on "slow to anger", but its a tough one for me.
4. Has your husband's attitude affected you as a person? How so? Have negative attitudes been brought in you as a result of his reactions? Explain. In the past with the affair, yes. But now, his giving attitude has really been shining through and it is helping to make me a better person. I am a better person because of him.
5. Has your husband's attitude affected your marriage in a negative way or a positive way? Explain. How could you pray about that? Like I said before, once he decide to get back on his meds (after the affair) it was the best part of our marriage. It's like we have two haves of our marriage. Before and during the affair was hell on earth and I suffered alone while trying to take care of our children and then now...I LOVE our marriage and I am deeply in love with him.
6. Read 1 Corinthians 13:2 Does your husband have a full knowledge of the love of God? Do you feel he has truly experienced God's love in his life? Have you? Explain. How could you pray about that? For his family, he does. As for others including those who give him strife, he doesn't (but how many of us do?). I can see that he is working on it. Sometimes I remind him to be compassionate. I do see him growing.
7. Read Proverbs15:13 In light of this Scripture, how could you pray for your husband's attitude? I can pray for him to not let sorrow dwell in his heart. I think though, that this is a problem more for me. Sometimes, I tend to dwell in the past and that is a place of hurt, not of hope. I need to be snapping out of those spells faster than I am because all it is is damaging to me and our relationship.
9. Read Matthew 12:35 Do you see good things or bad things come out of your husband's attitude? How can you use this Scripture to pray over your husband? I can pray that he is able to see the good and bring forth the good in all situations. I only want good for him. His successes are my successes.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Anyway, we have been sick over here. The boys are having breathing treatments and even now as I type, I am holding my poor Raef in my lap with a 102 temperature. We just can't get well over here. It doesn't help that last Saturday we were wearing shorts and this Saturday its supposed to snow. Yuck! I hate snow.
No more word on the job, which is ok with me. Mr B is having a rough time at work. No backup and no help. He's getting weary and so are my knees. I know God's plan is the best, but we are seeing a lot of Satan lately. I am glad at least that God has given us the ability to know its the Devil. That helps tremendously.
I don't know if I told you last time, but I have lost 11 pounds! I actually fit in a size medium swim suit bottom at Victoria's Secret. Did you know they have Miracle Bra swim suits? Helps girls like me who are very Pear shaped. I just want to even things up, you know? Still have that gosh darn cellulite. Blast it! If I had the "g's" I would go have it all smoothed out. They can do that right? Well, I am sure I could find someone who would try...maybe in a strip mall in Brazil...
My jackets came in from Tracy Porter. They are really cute. I am going to wear the opera jacket to the Britney Spears concert next Thursday. Is it funny I am going to see her lip synch? Is it even funnier that I spent a LOT of money on the ticket? No, its not funny, its sad. So I am going to get the most out of it. Wear some Abercrombie, make an "I love Brit Brit" shirt nd scream like a 14 year old girl! It's going to be the best...Is it sad that I am really excited?
Ok, I must go...I promise to write more often. God bless you all!
Monday, March 16, 2009
I can't remember if I said anything, but I was interviewing for a job. The interview went really well, but I never heard back from them and that's ok with me. I told God to take it away from me if I wasn't supposed to have it.
The kids met the other this weekend. I had them call her "Miss Other" and they were very sweet. It was a hard moment for me, but I was proud of them. We have also been asked to watch the baby for 5 days. I am not sure how I feel about it, so I am praying. Hopefully I will gladly take it on, but the anxiety is there.
March madness has begun and the craziness ensues. We (and by "we" I mean Mr B) is consumed by all things KU. If you don't watch basketball, they won the entire tournament last year, so there are high hopes this year. Can't wait til April.
My dad lost his job last week. A job he loves. He's crushed. They replaced him with two people...does that make sense to anyone else? He's sad...if you could say a little prayer, it would be truly appreciated.
I have been neglecting my blog...dare I say, giving my attention to another? That darn Craig is always pulling me away. I find myself checking the politics section on my Blackberry. Kind of a mental release being able to talk to adults and
So that's all...now to get caught up on everyone else.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Saturday - The baby came to the house and it went well. I was trying to get him to smile (never succeeded) so I taught him how to jump off the stairs into my arms. He wanted to do it again and again, so I know he was having fun. He may have also called me 'Ma-ma' but I'm not sure. Mr B gave him a hair cut and then the other came over to pick him up. Mr B let her in the house and I came out and said hello...with a smile. So that's a big step for me. There must be a lot of you out there praying for me because this weekend brought very little anxiety...
Mr B is being threatened at work...with a gun...for his life. Yeah, that's pretty scary. He fired two employees (high seniority, union employees) for threatening other employees and now it's going around that they have a gun with his name on it. They are unstable which makes it even more terrifying. I had pastor pray for us after church. That helped my panic.
Mr B and I are going to Mexico for a week in May! We should have paid off a credit card, but I think it was either Mexico or therapy...I choose Mexico. Plus we got a great and I mean great deal. If anyone wants to come along, shoot me an email :).
I am being interviewed for a job in Miami. I will get to work from home, but may have to go down there once a month for three to four days. I don't know if I like that, so I am asking God to help me with this decision. We cold certainly use the money, but with the healing from the affair and my kids being so little, I don't know if it's a good idea to be away.
I've lost seven pounds! I am in search for a bikini...maybe to keep my motivation up or maybe because I left my old one at a hotel last year. Stinks cause I really liked that suit, but I never need a reason to shop.
That's all I can think of at this time. Have a great day!
3-4 chicken breasts (or 6 Halves)
1 (10 ounce) can cream of mushroom soup
1 (10 ounce) can cream of chicken soup
1 (8 ounce) can diced green chilies (hot or mild, or a small can of each)
1 (10 ounce) package cheddar cheese grated
1 small onion, diced
1 tablespoon oregano
1 tablespoon garlic poweder
1 teaspoon salt
12 corn tortillas or flour tortillas (I tear them up for easier serving)
16 ounces sour cream
1. Place Chicken in large saucepan and cover with water.
2. Sprinkle in oregano, add garlic powder and salt.
3. Boil about 20 minutes and shred from bones.
4. Save broth.
5. Mix soups, sour cream, onion & chiles in large pan (and chipolte if desired).
6. Add only enough broth to slightly thin.
7. Re-season as needed.
8. Simmer on low 15 minutes.
9. Add chicken.
10. In casserole dish, arrange 6 Tortillas flat across bottom, spoon in 1/2 the sauce, sprinkle 1/2 the cheese.
11. Repeat- Tortillas, sauce and cheese.
12. Bake in 350 degree oven for 20 minutes.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
I want to start out by saying I didn't vote for Obama. I did vote for McCain, but was extremely unhappy about it. I am not a republican, but a conservative. I believe in personal responsibility and as a Christian I believe that you must love your neighbor as yourself.
Did you know Congress just gave themselves an extra $93,000 for petty cash EACH?!? Did you know Congress just got an automatic raise? They each make $174,000/ year for a three day work week?
So onto this stimulus bill, again, nonpartisan because I didn't like it when Bush did it either, but the more I learn, the more heated I become. So here are a few facts:
- Did you know the stimulus bill will only put 3% of the total cost into the economy this year? How does 3% stimulate an economy?*
- Did you know the stimulus bill has set aside $1 billion for Amtrak? This is a federal railroad that hasn't turned a profit in 40 years.*
- Did you know the stimulus bill gives ACORN, which is under investigation in more than a dozen states, $4.9 billion in this bill?*
Do you know how much 787 billion is? If you counted 1 second for every $1, it would take you 31 years, 251 days, 7 hours, 46 minutes, and 39 seconds to count to ONE billion. Now multiply that by 787. It would take over 25,000 years. So here we are, borrowing this money to "stimulate" the economy, but what we are really doing is robbing our children and their children for generations to come.
I am by no means rich. We live paycheck to paycheck, but I don't ever expect the government to swoop in and save me.
People say, "Oh but giving a little bit of my money to help the poor is ok with me." But did you know:
- The bottom 50% of Americans pay 3% of all income tax. **
- Bottom 40% pay NOTHING **
- The top 5% of Americans paid 60% of all income tax.**
- The top 1% make 21% of the total adjusted gross income, but pay 40% of the entire tax burden**
The problem is, we aren't GIVING our money, it's being stolen. I hate my money being
given taken by the government. They are so wasteful and most politicians don't care about a cause unless it helps their campaign in some way.
"You cannot legislate the poor into freedom by legislating the wealthy out of freedom. What one person receives without working for, another person must work for without receiving. The government cannot give to anybody anything that the government does not first take from somebody else. When half of the people get the idea that they do not have to work because the other half is going to take care of them, and when the other half gets the idea that it does no good to work because somebody else is going to get what they work for, that my dear friend, is about the end of any nation. You cannot multiply wealth by dividing it." ~ The late Dr. Adrian Rogers, 1931 - 2005
Buried in the Department of the Treasury’s 2003 Financial Report of the United States Government is a short section titled “Unreconciled Transactions Affecting the Change in Net Position,” which explains that these unreconciled transactions totaled $24.5 billion in 2003. The unreconciled transactions are funds for which auditors cannot account: The government knows that $25 billion was spent by someone, somewhere, on something, but auditors do not know who spent it, where it was spent, or on what it was spent. Blaming these unreconciled transactions on the failure of federal agencies to report their expenditures adequately, the Treasury report concludes that locating the money is “a priority.” The unreconciled $25 billion could have funded the entire Department of Justice for an entire year.** *
Do you know how much good $25 billion dollars could do? It would only cost $20 billion to get safe drinking water to EVERYONE IN THE WORLD! But that money is gone. Government can’t account for it. Why should anyone want to give them more money? You should be outraged. Everyone should be outraged.
Here is another reason I am so outraged. Obama and Biden are making it seem like the wealthy are stepping on the little guy. Like the wealthy just don't pay enough to help, so don't you think if they wanted to help the poor so much, they would be big charity donors? Before Obama ran for Senate, he gave less than 1% of his money to charity.**** Joe Biden gave less than 0.35%.***** So maybe his motives are questionable.
So here's what I want, no more income taxes for anyone. I will gladly give my money to a charity that will do 10x the good the government could do with it. If you are interested, please check out FairTax.org. This tax would eliminate all corporate and income taxes and put a larger sales tax in place. It would require all people who get paid illegally or under the table to contribute to the general fund. If your a drug dealer, you pay in. If your an illegal alien, you pay in. If you have more money and buy more stuff, you pay in more. It would also help more jobs come to America because we would no longer have the second highest corporate tax rate in the world. It's good for everyone except the politicians because they will lose a lot of their power. Just take a look.
Friday, February 27, 2009
I Paid: $22.50
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Valentine's Day was a good day. We (me and the kids) made Mr B a poster that declares, "We love Papa". We colored it and stuck on some Styrofoam hearts. I printed off a bunch of pictures of the kids (including the baby) and we had a good time framing those in hearts and putting them on the poster board.
Mr B bought me three roses for each of the kids, a sweet card, and some chocolate. Oh, and a stuffed monkey that says "I'm your primate". He knows me too well.
On Saturday we were supposed to be going down to see my brother wrestle at state, but he lost on Friday, therefore didn't make it on Saturday. We opted not to go, since we would have all three kids and its a three hour drive. Instead, we hung out at the house and had breakfast. It was nice to be together and just veg. At one point I was down stairs reading through my Bible and Mr B called me upstairs. He had a slow song playing and he asked me to dance. We slowly moved in circles to the rhythm of the song, our breaths in sync. I then felt a wet tear on my skin and looked up. He had tears streaming down his face. -Note that usually when the sobs come, there is something he is feeling very guilty about- I cautiously asked him what's wrong. "I just don't deserve you". Was his reply. It was a sweet moment and my love deepened for him.
I did ask him later if there was anything he needed to tell me and he reassured me there wasn't. I like not having secrets between us. I like him knowing where I am (spiritually and mentally) and I like to be with him.
I have gone on a strict diet and I think that is helping me keep things in control. Now that I can control this, it is easier to take on other things (like the house). I am working on getting this place together. It seems like a mad house and I would like to walk around here without clutter. Maybe I will jump on Heidi's bandwagon and get to cleanin'.
Hope you all are well. I am really behind in my blog circle. I have been obsessed lately with (*ahem) debating politics on Craigs List. It's like I get to talk to adults during the day. Every now and then I need to be pulled out of the spit-up, whining pit I find myself in.
The kids are great. Raef's birthday is on the 8th and we are throwing him a football themed birthday party. Luckily I found a lot of football decorations after the Superbowl and he LOVES football. Noticed?
Well, I must go. Kisses to you all and thanks for the prayers. They were a miracle last week.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
I pray for the other every night. I pray for her boys and her family. I wish no ill towards her. This all being said, when she does present herself as a threat to my family (child abuse allegations, flirting with my husband, etc) I do stand up to protect. I don't believe God wants us to cower towards evil or evil promoted deeds. The second woman who cheated with Mr B and they actually had a relationship (instead of a one night stand like the other) I harbor no ill feelings. Even though she told me the day I found out that "You obviously can't fulfill his needs like I do" and such horrible things, I have been given the time and the space to completely heal from that. With the other, its not the same.
So my goal now is to not only heal from the pain, but to love her and love her like Jesus does. It's a tall order and will most likely take some time, but it is my end goal.
Out of this whole situation, I have learned tremendous compassion. Compassion for others who even though they may have put themselves in bad situations, if they are trying to claw their way out, my respect is immense for them. It used to be that I felt they were getting what they deserved, the consequences to their actions, but now I see the amount of strength it takes to grow out of a painful circumstance.
I hope you all see in me that even though I have hard days, even though I am not always perfect, I am striving to be the person God wants and will be proud of.
I come to my blog many times in a pit of despair to get the pain off my heart and say things to my friends that I can not say to my husband due to the hurt it might cause. The encouraging words do wonders for me and I hope you will still comment and give me feedback.
You all are a great pillar of support and I hope I helped to clarify where I am. Thanks for coming along on my struggle with me.
Monday, February 16, 2009
Friday - The Other and Mr B agreed in the court documents that on even filing years, she would get to claim the baby and on odd claiming years, Mr B would get to claim the baby. If for any reason, the credit could not be used, it would go to the other. Well, the other lives at home with her father and from court documents I can see that she claims 98 on her W2 as to not have to pay taxes. So I told Mr B to ask her for the credit since I don't even think she will file and if she does, the credit won't even help...let me also say that she does have an older son (2 I think) and she gets that credit too as she hasn't gone after that father for child support. Well, she won't let him have it. We suspect her father will be claiming all three of them which is against the court order, but how can we prove it?
Later that day when I go to get the mail, we get a letter from the Kansas Department of Revenue stating they will be taking back child support out of our refund. Now let me say that dead beat dads should have money taken from them, but Mr B couldn't even get a hold of her. She wouldn't let him see the baby and Mr B and I did offer any support and told her to call whenever she needed something. When he was first born, she would set up a time for us to see him and then just not show up. After about six weeks, she just stopped taking Mr B's calls. So in July (the day before I gave birth) we got a letter saying she was going after child support and wanted back child support. We pay an extra $50 a month to pay down that debt, but she wants it all now.
Saturday...we have him for the day and she is supposed to pick him up by 5. Mr B texts the other and asks if we can keep him for just a little longer. She says that's fine. Mr B and I have plans to have dinner later that evening, 7.30ish, and when Mr B texts her back later, no reply. He calls her, no answer. 9.00 - No answer. 10.00 - No answer. She just doesn't come to get him. Last time Mr B and I had a date, she did the same thing. She finally called from a club at 1 AM and left a message. She came and picked him up at noon the next day.
So I asked Mr B what her problem was and he said that she just doesn't like me. Why? It's not like I slept with her husband. He says that whenever he is around, she starts acting all giggly...kind of flirty. So I have decided, he sees her no more without me. The hurt has gone and the anger has taken its place. No way will she come between us again. I am actually thinking of sitting down and talking to her. Telling her that we need to be adults for this baby and any fantasies of hers needs to stop.
Sunday...at church pastor talked about love. How love heals. How sometimes we don't love because it makes us vulnerable. Love is God and we must love others. That the other is completely loved by God and so I should love her too. Wow...that was tough stuff. Mr B and I were talking about it afterwards and I just told him that I need to marinate in the whole idea for a while. How do I love her? I can say I do all day long, but I don't. I know it. I wouldn't lie down my life for her...I would probably push her in front of the bus...ok, maybe not...maybe. So if you don't mind, I may post some stuff about it as I go along.
Sorry its taken so long for me to post. Its been busy and I am a bit of a mess...to tell you the truth, on Saturday, I asked Chris for a little white pill. But, when it came time, I didn't' take it. I know I am stronger than I think.
Sunday, February 8, 2009
Neither relationships, nor money, nor alcohol, nor self image, nor depression can keep us from the love and mercy of God. The video I watched changed my perception. I'll tell you, I cried through the whole thing and I sobbed in the last minute. The girl in the video, she's me...all of it, its been me. I cry as I write this now, but it is so powerful.
God shows up in the most unexpected places and today, it was on my 17 year old brother's laptop. Here I was expecting to bring him closer to God and he took me to my knees.
This video is powerful. Grab a Kleenex and get ready...if you start to zone out, stay til the end. Its right on. God bless.
Friday, February 6, 2009
2. Is your husbands past something he learns from, something he ignores, or does he live in it? He is learning to learn from it. I feel like he is really trying to grow.
3. Phil 3:13-14 Do you feel your husband reaches out for all God has for him? No. But I think he is moving in that direction, trying to grow into the man God wants him to be.
4. Are you afraid there is anything from your husband's past that could be passed to your children? No. We work on living for today and the future, especially for our kids.
5. Was there anything in his childhood that is affecting him today? No. He had a pretty good childhood.
6. Was he ever labeled with hurtful names that he still uses to color his image of himself? No, he was pretty popular. I don't think he has ever had a poor self image.
Thursday, February 5, 2009
- If I am in the midst of Fear, Frustration or Fatigue, I am a million times more likely to make a bad decision. These are the times Satan really focuses on tempting me. He knows that I am weak and more likely to do whatever is easiest which is usually involves sinning.
- Feelings lie. Sometimes I think it would be so much easier to just leave. I wouldn't have to deal with the other or the baby anymore, I could maybe find someone who is the "right" one for me. What my heart doesn't tell me is the incredible pain it would put my children in. The pain I would have to see Mr B dating, loving, marrying another. The separation I would face when the kids went with Mr B for the weekend. It wouldn't be easier, in fact, it could very well destroy lives. I am staying.
- Be quick to listen and slow to speak. Yeah, this has been around forever, but I just got it. The things I learn when I just shut my mouth. I recently read that people don't like to sit in silence. It is uncomfortable, so whenever two people are together and there is prolonged silence, usually the woman will try and fill the void. I've noticed Mr B telling me more things just to fill in the silence.
- God knows what He is doing and sometimes you just have to wait for things to play out. Be still, and know that I am God ~ Psalm 46:10 - so true. He has everything in His hands and sometimes processes have to be gone through to get to the result. It's hard for me because I want everything in this instant. I am really working on patience. With my kids, with my husband and mostly, with God.
- Showing self control shows God and others that I am serious and in the long run, I can be trusted. Like I said before, I want everything that feels good and I can get right now. Whether its eating a big bowl of ice cream, even though I am on a diet or controlling my temper, I want to be like Christ and His self control was immense. I am striving to keep myself in check. When I exhibit self control, I tend to be able to hear the Holy Spirit more clearly.
- I need to work on myself before I point out other's flaws. I am not perfect, far from it, but I have a tendency to see what everyone around me is doing wrong...I don't ever really point it out to them, but I do say things in my head...maybe making myself feel better that "at least I'm not doing that". In order for me to be a good representative of Christ, I need to always be loving, look to the good, and be an example. I want to draw people in, not push them away with self righteousness. Mr B and I have a tendency to talk between ourselves..."can you believe that so -and-so did this or that", "so-and-so is headed for trouble" (so lets watch the train wreck). Instead, as I work on myself, I need to be supportive and pray for these people. Its God's business to change their heart, not mine.
So there you go. Hopefully in the next few weeks, months, years, I can make some real strides. Life has been scary lately...but I know God cares and He will work it all out for good.
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Thanks Jill for tagging me!
Step 1: respond and rework—answer the questions on your own blog, replace one question that you dislike with a question of your own invention, add one more question of your own.
Step 2: tag—eight other un-tagged people.
1. What are you wearing right now? Pink pajama pants and a Nike tshirt...is it sad that I have had this on all day?
2. What's the last thing I read/ are currently reading? I am reading Midnight Sun by Stephanie Meyer.
3. Do you nap a lot? I did before I had kids...I could sleep 14 hours straight. Now, I shower when they sleep.
4. Who was the last person you hugged? Raef. He's still sick and needs all the hugs he can get.
5. What's your current obsession/addiction? Craigs List
6. What is your favorite moment of the day? Putting the kids down for a nap. One of hour of me time!
7. What websites do you always visit when you go online? Craigs List, my blog, all the blogs I follow, online banking.
8. What was the last item you bought? prescriptions.
9. What is your most challenging goal? losing weight
10. If you could have a house totally paid for, fully furnished- anywhere in the world, where would it be? On the coast in Mexico - Riviera Maya
11. Favorite Vacation spot? Riviera Maya, Mexico
12. Say something to the person who tagged you: Jill, you are such a sweetie! Thanks for tagging me. Sorry it took to do this post.
13. Name one thing you just can't resist no matter how bad it is for you: cheese...love it
14. What is your favorite item of clothing? My husbands pajama pants...but when I am skinny, its a tight little dress...hugs all the right places.
15. Favorite pair of shoes you keep going back to over and over, even though your closet is over flowing with a zillion others?! patten leather stilettos...don't wear them as much as I used to.
16. Name one thing you can not live with out: air conditioning
17. If you could have any other job besides your current job, what would it be? a pro-life non profit
18. What's your favorite drink from Sonic? Cherry limeade...am I boring or what?
19. Name the last naughty thing you caught your kid(s) doing. Just a few minutes ago, I caught Raef unwrapping sticks of butter and throwing them in the trash! Ugh, do you know how much butter costs? And how yummy it is?
I am tagging:
2. Did your husband have a good father? What does he say his relationship with his father is like? What is it like today? Today his father is on medication for a chemical imbalance, which he didn't get on until about 12 years ago. So up until Mr B was 14 or so, his father rarely talked to him, but he rarely talked to anybody. Since I came around 10 years ago, I never knew him when he was like that. Mr B says he is night and day. His dad is so nice and wants to love and kiss on his grand kids. Its nice to have, but sometimes it seems like he tries to make up for not being a great dad. He wants to do things like have his three kids, their spouses and their kids spend the night at their house on Christmas Eve and wake up there on Christmas. He doesn't get that we want to have Christmas morning at our house and he gets upset. He was actually upset with me this year because we spent more time at my moms. My brother had flown in from California and had never seen Marcus, so I wanted to spend more time there this year. We did go over in the evening, but I could tell he was put out with me.
3. Does your husband emulate his father as a dad or does he feel the need to be better than his dad was? I don't think either. I don't think he compares himself to his dad. He just loves on our kids. Not to out do anybody or be better than anybody.
4. Does your husband have a good relationship with each of his children? Yes.
5. Do you feel your husband has bonded with each of his children? Have you bonded with each of your children? Yes and Yes.
6. Does your husband ever feel guilty or like he has failed as a parent when he sees something wrong with his children? Not yet.
7. Do you ever feel your husband is more concerned with being a good father than with being a good husband? How does it make you feel? Yes. I think he thinks marriage doesn't take work. It should just happen. When he's home, he wants to see the kids. I am praying hard about that. I need his affection and he is the only one I can get it from. The kids need him too I know, but in the end, they will leave, so we need to work on our relationship now if we plan to grow old together.
2. Proverbs 12:26 Are there any people in your husband's life that you consider to be bad influences? Does he have any relationships that continually trouble him? Explain. Yes. He has a friend right now who cheated on his wife several times and now she is cheating on him. Mr B seems to take his side and in my eyes, they are both wrong, but I can see how she would lose the connection with him after him hurting her so many times. Mr B just sees his friend hurting.
3. 2 Corinthians 6:14 Does your husbands have any close friends or business relationships with people who are not believers? Pray for them. All of them it seems.
4. Where does your husband find most of his friends? Do you think it is a good place to meet the kinds of friends he needs? His only true friends, (the friends he actually sees outside of work) all come from his childhood. I am hoping through church and us doing more volunteer work, we will start to surround ourselves with Godly people.
5. Does your husband have close, believing, male friends or mentors who counsel him and encourage his spiritual growth? Does he want them? No he doesn't, but I think he would like some.
6. Does your husband have a good relationship with each of his family members? Is there anyone in particular who is especially troubling for him? Are some family relationships weak or strained? Pray about these. He has a great relationship with his family...I would say that they go to mass out of obligation and not for their spiritual growth. Like its a matter of duty, because I never see them put any of the Catholic principles into practice. I don't mean to judge, but I only say these things because now that Mr B and I are going to a more "hands in the air singing, amen, hallelujah" kind of church, they seem more concerned that he is no longer Catholic than on how much he is growing. The steps I take, like no longer eating pork as a show of dedication to the Lord, seems weird to them. I feel like they criticize me for taking him away. So all that being said, I think they mean well, but sometimes the barrier that is between us now because we aren't Catholic, strains our relationship. To me, as long as you believe in Jesus and you work every day at your walk, it doesn't matter the church you go to. Its all about where you feel God. If Belle grew up to be Catholic and really did it, I would be thrilled. If she grew up and went to our church just our of duty, I would be sad.
7. Is your husband part of a prayer group or Bible study? If yes pray for it, if no pray for him to find one. No. He keeps saying he is going to go to this class on Sunday night, but he has yet to go.
8. Is their any relationships your husband has that are strained because of his unforgiveness? Pray for him to forgive. No.
9. How is your friendship with your husband? Do you think it can be improved upon or deepened? Pray for this. I think we are good friends. I think I am his best friend...but we can always improve.
Monday, February 2, 2009
Raef has had it the worst, hardly eating and not sleeping well because the coughing keeps him up...poor baby. He gets so grouchy that he doesn't want you to hold him, but you can't put him down, cause then he'll cry.
Saturday, Chris took Marcus and went to pick up the baby and took the two to his mother's house. He was supposed to be back in time to take Raef to the walk in clinic by our house which closes at 5. He told me he would leave their house (about 45 minute drive from ours) at 2.30 and his parents would be taking the baby back to the other at 4. I hadn't heard from him, so at 3.45, I called and he was just leaving their house to take the baby back home...15 minutes the other way.
So, I had been home all day with two sick, super cranky kids and I was sick myself. I just wanted to stay in bed and pound down the NyQuil... So when Mr B was coming home late and not only late, but too late to take Raef to the doctor, I was less than thrilled...ok, I was pissed. If I had had a car, I would have taken him myself, but Mr B had our only vehicle.
I used my angry tone, but I kept myself from blowing up. He said he would hurry and that he would try to get home in time. At 4.55, he pulls into our driveway, we switch kids, and he takes Raef. He gets there too late and they won't see him. Mr B then drives 30 minutes to another clinic that stays open later. After an hour and a half wait, they see my sick boy. The doctor writes him a RX for a medication that used to be OTC, but now you can only get from the doctor and even most doctors don't prescribe it.
Mr B goes to CVS, they don't have it. Its too late for anyone else to have their pharmacy open so we just have to wait til Sunday. The next morning, Mr B takes Marcus to church and drops off the prescription at Wal-Mart. They don't carry it either. He then goes to our local grocery store, they have it, but it just went out of date. The pharmacist also tells him that even if they did have it, she probably wouldn't give it to him...that it while kids are on it, it makes them slow...I am not sure what she meant, but if she would have seen him, he couldn't get any slower! Maybe it would have helped him sleep.
So today, he is worse then ever. My mom comes over and says he needs to go to the doctors. I call Mr B and he thinks so too and wants to take him to the ER. I take my moms car and I meet him up there. They took chest Xrays and no pneumonia! Praise God! They gave him a breathing treatment and a RX for a strong antibiotic.
Hopefully this will help. He hasn't had a real meal since last week, but the doctor's said that as long as he is keeping hydrated, no to worry too much about it.
So, will you say a prayer especially for my little boy?
Also, I want you all to know that I didn't fight or yell at Mr B for forgetting. I am trying to learn to be more patient and to tell you the truth, I figured he would be late. It's just how he is...isn't the definition of insanity doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results? So, I'm just trying to be patient and insane at the same time.
Friday, January 30, 2009
Sorry I haven't posted. We have been sick, sick, sick...I actually accidentally OD'd Belle today on Actametiphan (did I spell that right? Whatever!) I had to call poison control...they said she would be fine. Then Mr B actually left me home with them! After I almost killed our first born! I am not to be trusted. Oh and Sophia, I love you...you know who you are! :)
Do you feel your husband's priorities are in the right order? Explain. I think in his head they are in the right order, but its his practice where he gets out of whack. By making work first, he thinks he is providing what our family needs most. No, what our family needs is him. I know he thinks by doing extra, it is in our best interest, but there are some nights I just need him. Work be damned! The extra things he does are not his responsibility, but when he does them, they become his. He doesn't understand that endless cycle.
Do you feel that you are first after God on your husband's priority list? How does that make you feel? Again, in his head I am. That is where I should and want to be, but like I said, work seems to come first. Even above his own well being.
Do you ever feel that you are unprotected, unloved, or uncovered because you are not a priority with your husband? Yes. When I tell him I am really sick (like today) and I really need him home, since I don't have anyone to help me with three small children and he goes to work anyway, I feel low on the list. I know if it were reversed, I would stay home in a flash for him, even if we didn't have kids. Just to take care of him.
Can you think of ways you could set aside time for you and your husband to be alone doing things he enjoys? List them. This is something I do strive to do. He likes to watch fights (boxing, UFC, etc) so I try to be excited about them too and plan fun food and watch them with him.
Do you ever wish your husband would take more time for you alone than he does? Explain. We don't have enough alone time together because we have so many small children. I would like to have more, but its not his fault we don't.
Do you ever feel your husband puts his children before you? In what ways? Yes. Belle has a hold on him. Whatever she asks, she gets. He is working on it though, so I can't complain too much.
Does your husband ever feel you put your children before him? Are you sure? If so, what could you do about this? I believe he does when it comes to Marcus. I feel he is still a baby and especially now when he is sick, I hate to let him cry for long periods of time. He knows that at a certain point I let go, but Marcus just hasn't gotten old enough for me yet.
Do you feel he puts the interests of other people before those of his own family? Explain. How does that affect the family? Whenever his brother calls at 11:00 PM to see if he can come over, Mr B lets him. I hate that because we have kids and I don't like those things sprung on me. I have told him that before, but he has a hard time saying no. He feels like his brother is all alone, which I totally get, but it is still hard to entertain after a day with the kids. I just want that time to be for us, since it is so precious.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Also, what do you do when his bad reputation tarnishes you? I wish she would have touched on that. I feel like everyone who knows of the affairs looks on me as weak, they throw me pity, and I am just a "poor wife." That is something I really hate. I know I am no any of those things, that I must work even harder now to restore my name because of his infractions. I guess I'm a little bitter...praying for that too.
So I guess my prayer is that he chooses wisely and within his control in order to keep a good reputation. I do think I can have a major impact in that I can condone or disapprove of behaviours that would put his name in a good/bad light. However, in the end, I can't control his actions. So I will continue to pray that God continues to bless him, give him wisdom, and clarity. In those things, I believe he can/is work(ing) on reparing his reputation.
1. I got my butt up and went to the gym today...gained 8 lbs since the last time I was there. On a strict diet until my dignity returns. Breakfast was a myriad of vitamins...yum.
2. On Stephanie Meyer's website, you can read the partial draft of Midnight Sun. It is Twilight from Edwards perspective. I am hoping she will finish it, but she says she wont...(insert tears here)
3. I officially have $1 in my bank account and don't get paid until the 6th...awesome.
4. I was late paying a credit card and yesterday, when I sent off the payment, I finally answered their call. Here's how it went:
Me: Yes, I sent my payment today...
Them: Are you having a tough time right now...
Me: (Sarcastically) Yeah! My hours were cut to five a week.
Them: (Super nice) Well, let me see what we can do. Ok, I just cut your interest rate to 10% (it was 23%) and put you on a payment schedule which will cut your payment in half. It will also stop the late fees and as long as you pay on time, we won't report anything to the credit bureau.
I should have answered that phone call last week! They've only been calling me eight times a day!
5. My mom bought us a printer for Christmas from Circuit City, but did not buy the cable I need to connect it. Its a Circuit City exclusive which means the ink and the cable must be purchased from Circuit City or Lexmark.com...blast!
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
So what does he do right in front of Ms. Elephant? Sucks face with the seal. There is saliva flying everywhere...I was so embarrassed. Look at him! He knows exactly what he's doing. Good grief Marcus! I raised you better than that!
I even caught him feelin her up under her tail and what did she do to stop it! Nothing! I think I am going to have to have a serious talk with that
Just the other day he was my little baby...how did he become such a player? Why God, why?!?
Monday, January 26, 2009
Yes, I believe he stands firm on what he believes to be moral and ethical, although I think his bar needs to be higher. I understand that I can not change his views and so I am praying that God will hold him to a stricter and more holy standard.
2. Is the man your husband appears to be to other people the same or different than the man you know him to be in private? How so? He is totally different around other people. He doesn't like to show weakness and when he is around other people, he seems to talk louder and with different vocabulary. Almost like he is trying to be assertive...even around his friends, I can see that he is different.
3. Is your husband for the most part a man of his word? Could he improve in that area? If so in what way? He is mostly a man of this world, but I can see that he is starting to leave that little by little and move more into the Christian/Heavenly thinking. He could definitely improve, but I think him progress is promising.
4. Is your husband easily deceived? Have you ever seen him being deceived in any way? Are you concerned that he might be deceived sometime in the future? Explain. I think Satan has a good hold on convincing him that he is weak and a failure...that it is important to always be strong and you can never ask for help. He is getting better at recognizing it.
5. Do you believe your husband would ever compromise what he knows to be the right thing to do? Explain. He obviously has in the past and like anyone trying to quit a sinful life style, there is always temptation to do it again, but I think he recognizes it and thus far, he has done a good job to thwart Satan's attempts.
6. Do you sense there are influences around your husband trying to sway him away from the paths of righteousness? A lot of his childhood friends and alcohol. Even though they are small portions of his life, I don't like the person he is when he is around either of them.
So on today's previous post, Mr B showed tremendous integrity and I am so proud of him. I am praying that the growing continues and what he knows to be true, he holds fast to.
One thing I am concerned about is his friends and the way he acts around them. There is no cursing in our home (ok, very rarely and under dire circumstances) but when he is around his friends, it seems to be in every sentence. When we are driving in the car, we listen to only christian music, but when his friends are around, break out Marylin Manson...gee whiz. No alcohol is ever purchased by us, but when his friends come over, they bring 20 packs and it's party time, although ever since our bad weekend, he has cut that down quite a bit. Are you getting my drift?
So what I am really praying for is that he recognize the path God wants him to be on and Mr B gives up the things that hinder him from it. I pray that I will be a good influence and proper support. I feel that when he knows that something is righteous, he goes to it full force, but the items I mentioned above, somehow don't apply. I just want him to be the person he is with me and an outstanding example of Christ.