Thursday, October 14, 2010
I know I can only control my actions and my reactions, but I am losing patience. There was a point, probably two years ago, when Mr B acted like a married man and husband. He is now spending more and more time at the bar, spending our grocery and gas money there.
He's been home for the last few weeks due to viral meningitis and being on narcotics. He sleeps or Facebooks all day while I work. He doesn't help with the house work or kids. Its all on my shoulders and to tell you the truth, I'm about to break.
Money has been a real stress for me lately, so I set up a budget to get us through the next few months. He sits down with me and agrees to it and two days later is spending cash like that conversation never happened. Last Saturday we actually only had $10 in the bank, which he knew, and he went to the bar and spent $30, leaving me at home with our three children and the baby. What should be my reaction to this?
I'm tired of being the only adult. I'm tired of not having a partner. I'm tired of him not being parent. I'm tired of him of thinking of himself. I'm just tired. It's a lot to bear and I am so weary. The only thing that has gotten me through so far is God. He has promised me something beautiful, I just don't know how much muck I'm gonna have to walk through before I get to walk through the flowers. I do know that Jesus will walk through it with me.
Friday, October 8, 2010
This evening I spent my time reading through my past posts. Wow, was I a sad and broken woman. I'm happy to report that I am and have been living in acceptance for quite some time. Its still difficult when The Other calls, but the worry is gone. Not back to normal, but getting very close.
As to my marriage, the last 6 months or so, its been rocky. We've had fights, I've threatened to leave, we've both been childish. I have issues with how he spends his time and he feels like I have him on a leash. A moment of clarity hit me about a month ago and by "clarity" I mean the Holy Spirit! He said to me, "You need to work on yourself instead of worrying about Mr. B and whatever he's doing. Let me worry about him. I will be your husband until he can is able to be." So, I took off my engagement and wedding ring and replaced it with my grandmother's simple gold band. Ever since that moment, it's as if my eyes have been opened. I see him in a new light and whenever he does something that I would usually get upset about, I just talk to God and remind myself that He is taking care of me and as long as I put my trust in Him, He will take care of the rest.
Also, I have discovered that my way of parenting can be destructive at times. I have found myself yelling and even *gasp* stomping my foot when I catch them blatantly disobeying. As I'm throwing my temper tantrum, I am saying to myself "Hey, calm down. Why are you yelling?" The real turning point happened the other day when Belle was chatting me into oblivion (as 4 year olds do :]) and I really needed a break. I got snippy with her and told her I needed her to be quiet and I needed some time. She went into the other room and told Mr B "Mama doesn't want to hear my voice." Wow, it hit me right then. I should be a reflection of the Lord to her, not making her feel unwanted. I repented and resolved right then that I WOULD be that example. I would show my children love, even when they make poor choices or disobey. I will discipline in love and let them reap the consequences of their decisions, always embrace them in love.
This is not the life I am able to live 100% of the time, but I am surprised by how much of myself I have been able to change just in the last month alone. The freedom I am now experiencing is more than I would have ever thought I could have, even a year ago. Getting through the pain has brought me to a place where I can now start on a fresh path with God, not being defined (in my own eyes) as the jilted wife.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
I am taking a class at church called Celebrate Recovery. In it, we journey through our hurts, hangups an habits in order to find victory in our lives and leave those burdens behind. Here are some of the truths I have discovered.
- When I mess up, God never yells or guilt trips. He lovingly picks me up and walks me hand-in-hand through the consequence, never leaving my side.
- I live behind a mask of perfection. Behind this computer is a dirty house with laundry needing to be done. I will never pretend otherwise.
- To "Give it to God" means to believe in His plan and trust Him enough to live life everyday as a faithful child of God. It doesn't mean the hurt is gone, only that He promises not to waste it.
- I can't change other's choices or behaviours. Only my reactions to them.
- Fixating on other's problems is only a clever way to keep from fixing my own.
- I am responsible TO others adults, but not FOR other adults.
- Sanity is having the freedom to say God is in control AND believing it.
- God's plan for me is perfect, yet I live in an imperfect world.
- God's mercy is renewed every morning, and so should mine.
- Prayer is powerful.