Thursday, January 15, 2009

How Do I Give Hard Days To God?

Mr B left his phone home today and my curiosity got the best of me. I found text messages to The Other that are appropriate and about the baby, but they are so hard to read. Hard for me to hear him tell her how beautiful he much he loves him. It just sucks so much. I wanted to be the only one he would say that too. I wanted our kids to be the only one he felt that way about. I know that he has to feel that way about all his kids, but I wanted him to just have kids with me, you know? I haven't cried in this kind of way in a long time and it just hurts. To be reminded of it all again. To know that he loves another child that's not mine. I don't even know how to deal with my emotions properly. I just want to escape the pain. But I can't. I have the kids here and I want to be engaged with them. I hate, hate, hate the way my life is now. Divided, not just between the two of us. I want to be the only one, you know? I want to have our family whole. I read a quote this morning, before all my pain came flooding out and I really get it now.

Part of every misery is, so to speak, the misery's shadow or reflection: the fact that you don't merely suffer but have to keep on thinking about the fact that you suffer. I not only live each endless day in grief, but live each day thinking about living each day in grief. -C. S. Lewis

He says it so well. Some days I just live in total misery. AWWWW!!! I know its Satan and I have told him to leave, but the pain remains. Am I to just push it aside and pretend like its not there? I don't feel like that will help me deal with the problem.

So the question is, how do you just Give it to God? I understand the concept, but how do you leave the worry, sadness, regret, sorrow, and devastation behind? How do you truly let God have it?


Christy said...

I am not in the same situation you are, but I've struggled giving my greatest sorrow to God, the death of my daughter and what I've discovered is the answer to that question is this....PRAY,PRAY,PRAY. Tell HIM your burdens, your hurt, your paid, the sadness. I know you have, but to just get down and dirty with GOD. Tell him, just as you would a person sitting in front of you. Let him have all those sorrows and when/if you take it back, give it back to him again.

Also get into his word when you feel yourself going to those places. Fill your mind with HIS thoughts, his's much harder to think of yourself when you're being so intimate with the Lord!

Praying for you hon.

Ang said...

Bless your heart..why don't you just make me cry~~ha I love you more than I can express and believe you me I draw far more stregth from you than you do from me!!! Thank you though for saying that, it's an encouragement for me! Just keep your chin up, and God will give you the grace you need to endure this terrible time in your life. Remember he chose YOU not her! You have 3 beautiful children by him ( hopefully it will be positive on Sat..hahahah keeping my fingers crossed here..:) ) JUst keep praying and asking God to give you the strength you need :) if you ever need to talk, I am an email away!! (((hugs))))

Chaukie said...

I have been following your blog for awhile now. I really feel for you and hope you can find peace.

heidi said...

I'm sorry, hon. :-( I think Christy said it best so I'll just leave it at that.

Nutty mom-- said...

am so bummed for you. That pain must be so freakin overwhelming I can't even imagine. I have no great words for you, sorry :( But I am here with you, and I am totally here for you.