Mr B left his phone home today and my curiosity got the best of me. I found text messages to The Other that are appropriate and about the baby, but they are so hard to read. Hard for me to hear him tell her how beautiful he is...how much he loves him. It just sucks so much. I wanted to be the only one he would say that too. I wanted our kids to be the only one he felt that way about. I know that he has to feel that way about all his kids, but I wanted him to just have kids with me, you know? I haven't cried in this kind of way in a long time and it just hurts. To be reminded of it all again. To know that he loves another child that's not mine. I don't even know how to deal with my emotions properly. I just want to sleep...to escape the pain. But I can't. I have the kids here and I want to be engaged with them. I hate, hate, hate the way my life is now. Divided, not just between the two of us. I want to be the only one, you know? I want to have our family whole. I read a quote this morning, before all my pain came flooding out and I really get it now.
Part of every misery is, so to speak, the misery's shadow or reflection: the fact that you don't merely suffer but have to keep on thinking about the fact that you suffer. I not only live each endless day in grief, but live each day thinking about living each day in grief. -C. S. Lewis
He says it so well. Some days I just live in total misery. AWWWW!!! I know its Satan and I have told him to leave, but the pain remains. Am I to just push it aside and pretend like its not there? I don't feel like that will help me deal with the problem.
So the question is, how do you just Give it to God? I understand the concept, but how do you leave the worry, sadness, regret, sorrow, and devastation behind? How do you truly let God have it?