Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
I called my husband this evening and he knew something was wrong. I told him I was so stressed out...I wasn't sure how we would finish our Christmas shopping and I didn't know how we could afford extras, which includes a tree. He told me not to worry. He would come home and we would discuss what we could sell. Everything would be alright.
I know he's right. God promises to take care of his children (I know Christmas isn't a necessity...) and we would be fine. I also know God promises to give back in abundance to those who tithe (which we can't afford, but we can't not afford...know what I mean?) So we give to our church as commanded.
Well, God has shown up in a big way. Along comes an angel. My friend Jessica's MIL had a nine foot, pre-lit Christmas tree she was giving away. Jess called to see if I wanted it. You bet!
Well, when Linda came over to drop it off, she also dropped off a TON of food and she just happened to have diapers in the sizes I need. I literally only had 2 of Raef's diapers left and 4 of Marcus'. She didn't know my situation, she just had them left over...how great is our God!
He is the only child we have that wasn't a "surprise". After we had Belle, my husband was terrified of her not having a brother to protect her and of course, he had to be close in age to keep an eye on her when she goes to school. I wasn't really sure if I wanted another baby so soon, but I gave Mr. B a month to conceive a child. I actually had the birth control in the fridge to start the next month. Well, after that month, June 25, 2006 to be exact, we conceived Raef.
Right after he was born, I really bonded with him. Mr. B had really fallen in love with Belle and I felt like I needed to protect Raef...that kind of sounds weird, but its was as if I knew Mr. B would want to train him to be a man from the beginning, so I needed to cuddle him a little extra. Just for note, Belle is still cuddled by Mr. B...good thing she can't ask him for his credit card, because he would give it to her!
I think all of my extra cuddling and kisses have made my sweet Raef a little soft, which I don't mind at all. He is a sensitive little boy who will follow his sister anywhere. He likes to crawl into my lap and just be held, which I LOVE, but he does have a little drama in him. When he falls, you can tell he cries just to get the attention, not because he is really hurt. The funny thing is, he only does that when I am around! When it's him and Papa, he likes to act tough! No crying!
So that brings me to last night...my sweet little Raefy broke my nose. I was lying on the couch and he grabbed a plastic bottle opener I had in my hand. I didn't want him to have it, so I held on. His hand slipped and I conked myself in the nose...now the right side is all swollen and it hurts so much...who knew my first born son would break his mommies nose? Its ok, I forgive him!
Here is Belle and Raef at Halloween. Belle is Princess Belle and Raef is Peter Pan. So cute!
Saturday, November 22, 2008
Friday, November 21, 2008
I sit here tonight waiting for my husband to come home. He is usually off of work about now, but with the holidays coming up, he works later. I have called him several times and he hasn't picked up. I am sure he is super busy trying to get everyone out, especially on a Friday night, but it still gives me a rush of anxiety. You see a little over a year ago, I found out my husband had had an affair...two, two affairs and I had no clue. I may tell the story one day, but not today. I am not in a place to rehash it now. I am just merely trying to get through it alive. We are a much different couple today than we were then. We are happier than we have ever been, go to church every week, and "work" at our marriage. I love us now, but still wish it wouldn't have happened. Which brings me back to tonight. The fact that the phone rings and goes to voicemail gives me a shot of adrenaline that puts me in a state of panic. I am that lonely, lost wife I was a year ago. I hate being so vulnerable. I wish I could just push it away. Just take a little white pill and drift off to sleep, but I know I need to feel the pain to get through it. I also have three bundles of joy running around who need a mommy to keep them out of the baby soap...ok, they did pour baby soap on the carpet when I was watching them. I am such a good mom! :) So I will ask God for grace each moment I need it and I know He will sustain me. Thank you Lord for you comforting arms. Hopefully Mr B will call soon...I will let you know!
Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine. - Isaiah 43:1
Thursday, November 20, 2008
- Thinks Jam is better than Jelly, but doesn't really know the difference?
- Knows every word to Monsters' Inc?
- Hasn't done laundry in four days? Ugh...
- Puts her three month old on the floor without a blanket underneath?
- Has four bags of sugar and three bags of flour in storage "just in case"?
- Knows how The Notebook ends, but cries every time anyway?
- Give my kids Kool-Aid all day long?
I find that I do things for no reason, when I know better, and/or unnecessarily very often. I feel like there are moms all around me who are perfect, or close to (thanks MckMama & Michelle Duggar!) and I just can't compete. Where do they find all of their energy? How do they keep from making Hamburger Helper every night? I am exhausted just thinking about not using the microwave. A few months ago, I heard of a young couple who had been pulled over by the police with their four week old in the back seat, not in a carrier, and had a pacifier taped in it's mouth. How horrible right? I can't tell you all the names I called those two in my head. However, the other day, I did think to myself, "I wonder if I could attach a rubber band to Marcus' pacifier to help keep it in...". I wisely chose not to do this, but I am appalled it even crossed my mind. How come life is so complicated and everyone seems to be going trough it with such ease? Am I the only one confused? Lord, help me. :)