Friday, February 27, 2009

So I Need Some Fashion Advice

I am one of those people who wear the same clothes for years, I mean YEARS, like from high school. I never buy new clothes unless they are on the clearance rack and I need it for some occasion. I am that woman you see in Target with three kids, wearing an Abercrombie shirt from ten years ago. Pathetic huh?

I am also one of those people who LOVE a great deal. I feel like I save money when I get something, 50%, 75%, heaven help me, 90% off. Its a serious problem. I actually used to work for Target as a clearance marker. I must have spent most of my paycheck there getting an "Awesome Deal!".

So, I am back in my skinny jeans not counting the muffin top and I found some great stuff online at Tracy Porter. Great like, more than 75% off. But, I am feeling a little guilty. We really don't have the extra funds to be spending on non-essentials and Mr B says green is not my color. But he said if I really wanted them, it was ok with him AND I had a 10% off coupon.

So I ask:
1. Are these too young for me?
2. Are they cute or am I delusional?
3. Do you think they still cost too much?


I Paid: $24.30

Mossy Sweater

Was: $180

I Paid: $22.50

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Playing Catchup


Sorry it's been so long. Thanks for those who sent emails seeing if I was ok. I am. We are. All's good.

Valentine's Day was a good day. We (me and the kids) made Mr B a poster that declares, "We love Papa". We colored it and stuck on some Styrofoam hearts. I printed off a bunch of pictures of the kids (including the baby) and we had a good time framing those in hearts and putting them on the poster board.

Mr B bought me three roses for each of the kids, a sweet card, and some chocolate. Oh, and a stuffed monkey that says "I'm your primate". He knows me too well.

On Saturday we were supposed to be going down to see my brother wrestle at state, but he lost on Friday, therefore didn't make it on Saturday. We opted not to go, since we would have all three kids and its a three hour drive. Instead, we hung out at the house and had breakfast. It was nice to be together and just veg. At one point I was down stairs reading through my Bible and Mr B called me upstairs. He had a slow song playing and he asked me to dance. We slowly moved in circles to the rhythm of the song, our breaths in sync. I then felt a wet tear on my skin and looked up. He had tears streaming down his face. -Note that usually when the sobs come, there is something he is feeling very guilty about- I cautiously asked him what's wrong. "I just don't deserve you". Was his reply. It was a sweet moment and my love deepened for him.

I did ask him later if there was anything he needed to tell me and he reassured me there wasn't. I like not having secrets between us. I like him knowing where I am (spiritually and mentally) and I like to be with him.

We also took the kids to the local outlet mall to let them play in the kids area. They had a great time. Belle wanted to go on the carousel so bad, so we ended up taking her and it was all she could talk about. I wish I could take them everyday. Even Raef came out of his shell a bit. Even Marcus had a good time!

Raef is now sleeping in a toddler big boy bed and Marcus has moved out of our room into the crib. Raef loves it so much, but I swear every other night when I go in because Marcus is crying, I nearly step on Raef who has fallen out of bed and just ends up sleeping on the floor all night. He is such a heavy sleeper; I wonder if he just slides onto the floor and doesn't even wake up.

I have gone on a strict diet and I think that is helping me keep things in control. Now that I can control this, it is easier to take on other things (like the house). I am working on getting this place together. It seems like a mad house and I would like to walk around here without clutter. Maybe I will jump on Heidi's bandwagon and get to cleanin'.

Hope you all are well. I am really behind in my blog circle. I have been obsessed lately with (*ahem) debating politics on Craigs List. It's like I get to talk to adults during the day. Every now and then I need to be pulled out of the spit-up, whining pit I find myself in.

The kids are great. Raef's birthday is on the 8th and we are throwing him a football themed birthday party. Luckily I found a lot of football decorations after the Superbowl and he LOVES football. Noticed?

Well, I must go. Kisses to you all and thanks for the prayers. They were a miracle last week.

Thursday, February 19, 2009


I want you all to know that I have forgiven the other. Maybe sometimes it doesn't seem like I have, but I did forgive her a long time ago. It doesn't mean that it still doesn't hurt and it doesn't mean that I want to be her best friend, it just means that I have relinquished her from the wrath of my heart.

I pray for the other every night. I pray for her boys and her family. I wish no ill towards her. This all being said, when she does present herself as a threat to my family (child abuse allegations, flirting with my husband, etc) I do stand up to protect. I don't believe God wants us to cower towards evil or evil promoted deeds. The second woman who cheated with Mr B and they actually had a relationship (instead of a one night stand like the other) I harbor no ill feelings. Even though she told me the day I found out that "You obviously can't fulfill his needs like I do" and such horrible things, I have been given the time and the space to completely heal from that. With the other, its not the same.

So my goal now is to not only heal from the pain, but to love her and love her like Jesus does. It's a tall order and will most likely take some time, but it is my end goal.

Out of this whole situation, I have learned tremendous compassion. Compassion for others who even though they may have put themselves in bad situations, if they are trying to claw their way out, my respect is immense for them. It used to be that I felt they were getting what they deserved, the consequences to their actions, but now I see the amount of strength it takes to grow out of a painful circumstance.

I hope you all see in me that even though I have hard days, even though I am not always perfect, I am striving to be the person God wants and will be proud of.

I come to my blog many times in a pit of despair to get the pain off my heart and say things to my friends that I can not say to my husband due to the hurt it might cause. The encouraging words do wonders for me and I hope you will still comment and give me feedback.

You all are a great pillar of support and I hope I helped to clarify where I am. Thanks for coming along on my struggle with me.

Monday, February 16, 2009

She Strikes Again

So this weekend was full of strife and anger...let me start out at the beginning.

Friday - The Other and Mr B agreed in the court documents that on even filing years, she would get to claim the baby and on odd claiming years, Mr B would get to claim the baby. If for any reason, the credit could not be used, it would go to the other. Well, the other lives at home with her father and from court documents I can see that she claims 98 on her W2 as to not have to pay taxes. So I told Mr B to ask her for the credit since I don't even think she will file and if she does, the credit won't even help...let me also say that she does have an older son (2 I think) and she gets that credit too as she hasn't gone after that father for child support. Well, she won't let him have it. We suspect her father will be claiming all three of them which is against the court order, but how can we prove it?

Later that day when I go to get the mail, we get a letter from the Kansas Department of Revenue stating they will be taking back child support out of our refund. Now let me say that dead beat dads should have money taken from them, but Mr B couldn't even get a hold of her. She wouldn't let him see the baby and Mr B and I did offer any support and told her to call whenever she needed something. When he was first born, she would set up a time for us to see him and then just not show up. After about six weeks, she just stopped taking Mr B's calls. So in July (the day before I gave birth) we got a letter saying she was going after child support and wanted back child support. We pay an extra $50 a month to pay down that debt, but she wants it all now.

Saturday...we have him for the day and she is supposed to pick him up by 5. Mr B texts the other and asks if we can keep him for just a little longer. She says that's fine. Mr B and I have plans to have dinner later that evening, 7.30ish, and when Mr B texts her back later, no reply. He calls her, no answer. 9.00 - No answer. 10.00 - No answer. She just doesn't come to get him. Last time Mr B and I had a date, she did the same thing. She finally called from a club at 1 AM and left a message. She came and picked him up at noon the next day.

So I asked Mr B what her problem was and he said that she just doesn't like me. Why? It's not like I slept with her husband. He says that whenever he is around, she starts acting all giggly...kind of flirty. So I have decided, he sees her no more without me. The hurt has gone and the anger has taken its place. No way will she come between us again. I am actually thinking of sitting down and talking to her. Telling her that we need to be adults for this baby and any fantasies of hers needs to stop. church pastor talked about love. How love heals. How sometimes we don't love because it makes us vulnerable. Love is God and we must love others. That the other is completely loved by God and so I should love her too. Wow...that was tough stuff. Mr B and I were talking about it afterwards and I just told him that I need to marinate in the whole idea for a while. How do I love her? I can say I do all day long, but I don't. I know it. I wouldn't lie down my life for her...I would probably push her in front of the bus...ok, maybe not...maybe. So if you don't mind, I may post some stuff about it as I go along.

Sorry its taken so long for me to post. Its been busy and I am a bit of a tell you the truth, on Saturday, I asked Chris for a little white pill. But, when it came time, I didn't' take it. I know I am stronger than I think.

Sunday, February 8, 2009

Renewed Strength

On Friday, it was my youngest brother's 17th birthday. Mr B and I got him Red's CD. You see, my brother is really impressionable and he likes music like Slipknot...not the best role models. So I asked Mr B to give him the CD and tell him how much he likes them. My brother is 103 lbs and a bit of a dork...I think he really admires Mr B's confidence and looks up to him. While talking about the christian rock band, Mr B got on the computer and showed him all kinds of great christian rock videos on YouTube. My brother then proceeded to pull up a play set to the music of Lighthouse...can I tell you my life view changed in a few short minutes.

Neither relationships, nor money, nor alcohol, nor self image, nor depression can keep us from the love and mercy of God. The video I watched changed my perception. I'll tell you, I cried through the whole thing and I sobbed in the last minute. The girl in the video, she's me...all of it, its been me. I cry as I write this now, but it is so powerful.

God shows up in the most unexpected places and today, it was on my 17 year old brother's laptop. Here I was expecting to bring him closer to God and he took me to my knees.

This video is powerful. Grab a Kleenex and get ready...if you start to zone out, stay til the end. Its right on. God bless.
"For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor rulers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor anything above, nor anything below, nor anything else in all creation can separate us from the love of God that is ours[t] in the Messiah Jesus, our Lord." ~ Romans 8:38-39 (International Standard Version)

Friday, February 6, 2009

His Past ~ Chapter 19

1. Is there anything in your husband's past that repeatedly torments him? Describe. Not really. Sometimes I wish he wouldn't move on as fast as he does. Of course he wishes the affairs hadn't happened, but he moves forward. I am somewhat still stuck there and when I have a bad day, he sometimes seems miffed I still think about it. He is great about letting me grieve, but I think sometimes he wonders why I don't just get over it already. - You know, there is something that used to bother him. When I was a senior in high school, he had a sort of nervous breakdown. His family has a history of chemical imbalance and the teenage years is when it blossoms. He ended up having to stay for a few weeks in a mental hospital. He got on medication, but a few years later, declared himself fine and went off them. He felt weak having to be on them. When we were first married, I noticed his moods and what I thought to be depression. I pushed him to go see a doctor, but hating his stay in the hospital years before, he refused. I really believe if he would have dealt with it then, he wouldn't have turned to alcohol to self medicate and the affairs wouldn't have happened. He has realized his weaknesses and one of my conditions on working on the marriage was that he get back to the doctor and start meds. Life is totally different.

2. Is your husbands past something he learns from, something he ignores, or does he live in it? He is learning to learn from it. I feel like he is really trying to grow.

3. Phil 3:13-14 Do you feel your husband reaches out for all God has for him? No. But I think he is moving in that direction, trying to grow into the man God wants him to be.

4. Are you afraid there is anything from your husband's past that could be passed to your children? No. We work on living for today and the future, especially for our kids.

5. Was there anything in his childhood that is affecting him today? No. He had a pretty good childhood.

6. Was he ever labeled with hurtful names that he still uses to color his image of himself? No, he was pretty popular. I don't think he has ever had a poor self image.

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Things I Am Learning

So, over the last few days, I think I have made some real breakthroughs in the way I think.

  1. If I am in the midst of Fear, Frustration or Fatigue, I am a million times more likely to make a bad decision. These are the times Satan really focuses on tempting me. He knows that I am weak and more likely to do whatever is easiest which is usually involves sinning.

  2. Feelings lie. Sometimes I think it would be so much easier to just leave. I wouldn't have to deal with the other or the baby anymore, I could maybe find someone who is the "right" one for me. What my heart doesn't tell me is the incredible pain it would put my children in. The pain I would have to see Mr B dating, loving, marrying another. The separation I would face when the kids went with Mr B for the weekend. It wouldn't be easier, in fact, it could very well destroy lives. I am staying.

  3. Be quick to listen and slow to speak. Yeah, this has been around forever, but I just got it. The things I learn when I just shut my mouth. I recently read that people don't like to sit in silence. It is uncomfortable, so whenever two people are together and there is prolonged silence, usually the woman will try and fill the void. I've noticed Mr B telling me more things just to fill in the silence.

  4. God knows what He is doing and sometimes you just have to wait for things to play out. Be still, and know that I am God ~ Psalm 46:10 - so true. He has everything in His hands and sometimes processes have to be gone through to get to the result. It's hard for me because I want everything in this instant. I am really working on patience. With my kids, with my husband and mostly, with God.

  5. Showing self control shows God and others that I am serious and in the long run, I can be trusted. Like I said before, I want everything that feels good and I can get right now. Whether its eating a big bowl of ice cream, even though I am on a diet or controlling my temper, I want to be like Christ and His self control was immense. I am striving to keep myself in check. When I exhibit self control, I tend to be able to hear the Holy Spirit more clearly.

  6. I need to work on myself before I point out other's flaws. I am not perfect, far from it, but I have a tendency to see what everyone around me is doing wrong...I don't ever really point it out to them, but I do say things in my head...maybe making myself feel better that "at least I'm not doing that". In order for me to be a good representative of Christ, I need to always be loving, look to the good, and be an example. I want to draw people in, not push them away with self righteousness. Mr B and I have a tendency to talk between ourselves..."can you believe that so -and-so did this or that", "so-and-so is headed for trouble" (so lets watch the train wreck). Instead, as I work on myself, I need to be supportive and pray for these people. Its God's business to change their heart, not mine.

So there you go. Hopefully in the next few weeks, months, years, I can make some real strides. Life has been scary lately...but I know God cares and He will work it all out for good.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

I've Been Tagged

Thanks Jill for tagging me!

Step 1: respond and rework—answer the questions on your own blog, replace one question that you dislike with a question of your own invention, add one more question of your own.

Step 2: tag—eight other un-tagged people.

1. What are you wearing right now? Pink pajama pants and a Nike it sad that I have had this on all day?

2. What's the last thing I read/ are currently reading? I am reading Midnight Sun by Stephanie Meyer.

3. Do you nap a lot? I did before I had kids...I could sleep 14 hours straight. Now, I shower when they sleep.

4. Who was the last person you hugged? Raef. He's still sick and needs all the hugs he can get.

5. What's your current obsession/addiction? Craigs List

6. What is your favorite moment of the day? Putting the kids down for a nap. One of hour of me time!

7. What websites do you always visit when you go online? Craigs List, my blog, all the blogs I follow, online banking.

8. What was the last item you bought? prescriptions.

9. What is your most challenging goal? losing weight

10. If you could have a house totally paid for, fully furnished- anywhere in the world, where would it be? On the coast in Mexico - Riviera Maya

11. Favorite Vacation spot? Riviera Maya, Mexico

12. Say something to the person who tagged you: Jill, you are such a sweetie! Thanks for tagging me. Sorry it took to do this post.

13. Name one thing you just can't resist no matter how bad it is for you: it

14. What is your favorite item of clothing? My husbands pajama pants...but when I am skinny, its a tight little dress...hugs all the right places.

15. Favorite pair of shoes you keep going back to over and over, even though your closet is over flowing with a zillion others?! patten leather stilettos...don't wear them as much as I used to.

16. Name one thing you can not live with out: air conditioning

17. If you could have any other job besides your current job, what would it be? a pro-life non profit

18. What's your favorite drink from Sonic? Cherry I boring or what?

19. Name the last naughty thing you caught your kid(s) doing. Just a few minutes ago, I caught Raef unwrapping sticks of butter and throwing them in the trash! Ugh, do you know how much butter costs? And how yummy it is?

I am tagging:




Nutty Mom

His Fatherhood ~ Chapter 18

1.Has your husband ever worried about being a good father? Have you ever asked him if he does? He is a great father. I know he worries about explaining the affair and how they will react. Knowing that he betrayed their mother. But when it comes to his relationship with them, I could not imagine a better father.

2. Did your husband have a good father? What does he say his relationship with his father is like? What is it like today? Today his father is on medication for a chemical imbalance, which he didn't get on until about 12 years ago. So up until Mr B was 14 or so, his father rarely talked to him, but he rarely talked to anybody. Since I came around 10 years ago, I never knew him when he was like that. Mr B says he is night and day. His dad is so nice and wants to love and kiss on his grand kids. Its nice to have, but sometimes it seems like he tries to make up for not being a great dad. He wants to do things like have his three kids, their spouses and their kids spend the night at their house on Christmas Eve and wake up there on Christmas. He doesn't get that we want to have Christmas morning at our house and he gets upset. He was actually upset with me this year because we spent more time at my moms. My brother had flown in from California and had never seen Marcus, so I wanted to spend more time there this year. We did go over in the evening, but I could tell he was put out with me.

3. Does your husband emulate his father as a dad or does he feel the need to be better than his dad was? I don't think either. I don't think he compares himself to his dad. He just loves on our kids. Not to out do anybody or be better than anybody.

4. Does your husband have a good relationship with each of his children? Yes.

5. Do you feel your husband has bonded with each of his children? Have you bonded with each of your children? Yes and Yes.

6. Does your husband ever feel guilty or like he has failed as a parent when he sees something wrong with his children? Not yet.

7. Do you ever feel your husband is more concerned with being a good father than with being a good husband? How does it make you feel? Yes. I think he thinks marriage doesn't take work. It should just happen. When he's home, he wants to see the kids. I am praying hard about that. I need his affection and he is the only one I can get it from. The kids need him too I know, but in the end, they will leave, so we need to work on our relationship now if we plan to grow old together.

His Relationships ~ Chapter 17

1. What are your husband's friends like? Are they godly? Are they an asset or a detriment?Explain. His only true friends are the friends he has had since he was a kid. In no way do I feel like they are an asset in his Godly walk. I can't even think of one that claims to be a Christian, let alone go to church and encourage his daily walk. He has a hard time letting people into his vulnerable self and trusting others, so he doesn't make true friends easy.

2. Proverbs 12:26 Are there any people in your husband's life that you consider to be bad influences? Does he have any relationships that continually trouble him? Explain. Yes. He has a friend right now who cheated on his wife several times and now she is cheating on him. Mr B seems to take his side and in my eyes, they are both wrong, but I can see how she would lose the connection with him after him hurting her so many times. Mr B just sees his friend hurting.

3. 2 Corinthians 6:14 Does your husbands have any close friends or business relationships with people who are not believers? Pray for them. All of them it seems.

4. Where does your husband find most of his friends? Do you think it is a good place to meet the kinds of friends he needs? His only true friends, (the friends he actually sees outside of work) all come from his childhood. I am hoping through church and us doing more volunteer work, we will start to surround ourselves with Godly people.

5. Does your husband have close, believing, male friends or mentors who counsel him and encourage his spiritual growth? Does he want them? No he doesn't, but I think he would like some.

6. Does your husband have a good relationship with each of his family members? Is there anyone in particular who is especially troubling for him? Are some family relationships weak or strained? Pray about these. He has a great relationship with his family...I would say that they go to mass out of obligation and not for their spiritual growth. Like its a matter of duty, because I never see them put any of the Catholic principles into practice. I don't mean to judge, but I only say these things because now that Mr B and I are going to a more "hands in the air singing, amen, hallelujah" kind of church, they seem more concerned that he is no longer Catholic than on how much he is growing. The steps I take, like no longer eating pork as a show of dedication to the Lord, seems weird to them. I feel like they criticize me for taking him away. So all that being said, I think they mean well, but sometimes the barrier that is between us now because we aren't Catholic, strains our relationship. To me, as long as you believe in Jesus and you work every day at your walk, it doesn't matter the church you go to. Its all about where you feel God. If Belle grew up to be Catholic and really did it, I would be thrilled. If she grew up and went to our church just our of duty, I would be sad.

7. Is your husband part of a prayer group or Bible study? If yes pray for it, if no pray for him to find one. No. He keeps saying he is going to go to this class on Sunday night, but he has yet to go.

8. Is their any relationships your husband has that are strained because of his unforgiveness? Pray for him to forgive. No.

9. How is your friendship with your husband? Do you think it can be improved upon or deepened? Pray for this. I think we are good friends. I think I am his best friend...but we can always improve.

Monday, February 2, 2009

Feeling Icky

So since last week, Belle, Raef and myself have been fighting this yucky, phlegm filled, sickness. Cough, fever, congestion, lots of mucus and swollen glands...sounds fun right? I have been giving the kids Triaminic or Robitussin and Tylenol or's what I learned, even though the Triaminic says "Sore Throat and Cough" don't give Tylenol for the fever...Triaminic already has it in there you go.

Raef has had it the worst, hardly eating and not sleeping well because the coughing keeps him up...poor baby. He gets so grouchy that he doesn't want you to hold him, but you can't put him down, cause then he'll cry.

Saturday, Chris took Marcus and went to pick up the baby and took the two to his mother's house. He was supposed to be back in time to take Raef to the walk in clinic by our house which closes at 5. He told me he would leave their house (about 45 minute drive from ours) at 2.30 and his parents would be taking the baby back to the other at 4. I hadn't heard from him, so at 3.45, I called and he was just leaving their house to take the baby back home...15 minutes the other way.

So, I had been home all day with two sick, super cranky kids and I was sick myself. I just wanted to stay in bed and pound down the NyQuil... So when Mr B was coming home late and not only late, but too late to take Raef to the doctor, I was less than thrilled...ok, I was pissed. If I had had a car, I would have taken him myself, but Mr B had our only vehicle.

I used my angry tone, but I kept myself from blowing up. He said he would hurry and that he would try to get home in time. At 4.55, he pulls into our driveway, we switch kids, and he takes Raef. He gets there too late and they won't see him. Mr B then drives 30 minutes to another clinic that stays open later. After an hour and a half wait, they see my sick boy. The doctor writes him a RX for a medication that used to be OTC, but now you can only get from the doctor and even most doctors don't prescribe it.

Mr B goes to CVS, they don't have it. Its too late for anyone else to have their pharmacy open so we just have to wait til Sunday. The next morning, Mr B takes Marcus to church and drops off the prescription at Wal-Mart. They don't carry it either. He then goes to our local grocery store, they have it, but it just went out of date. The pharmacist also tells him that even if they did have it, she probably wouldn't give it to him...that it while kids are on it, it makes them slow...I am not sure what she meant, but if she would have seen him, he couldn't get any slower! Maybe it would have helped him sleep.

So today, he is worse then ever. My mom comes over and says he needs to go to the doctors. I call Mr B and he thinks so too and wants to take him to the ER. I take my moms car and I meet him up there. They took chest Xrays and no pneumonia! Praise God! They gave him a breathing treatment and a RX for a strong antibiotic.

Hopefully this will help. He hasn't had a real meal since last week, but the doctor's said that as long as he is keeping hydrated, no to worry too much about it.

So, will you say a prayer especially for my little boy?

Also, I want you all to know that I didn't fight or yell at Mr B for forgetting. I am trying to learn to be more patient and to tell you the truth, I figured he would be late. It's just how he is...isn't the definition of insanity doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results? So, I'm just trying to be patient and insane at the same time.