I received a comment from Amanda for the post "This Weekend Sucked."
You are not going to like me.And BTW, I know its easy to pass judgement on a 2 sec. tid bi of your life. I know there is more to your story....That being said, I feel like you have some feelings toward this baby that aren't fair. I feel like you have not given this situation over to God.Can you imagine... what if you TOTALLY embraced this baby??? What if you brought this baby into your home? What if thats what God wanted you to do? YOU can create a scene of love and accpetance. YOU can foster in total love and peace. YOU can give this other baby more love then you knew you could give. And you know who profits from that? YOUR kids. You set the example and You are the criteria for which they model their own behavior. You have a big opportunity here... set aside hurt and fear and frustration and rejection and pain... Give it to God.Start a-new. Give your family...that baby... s fresh start in an environment of love.I know you have made choices about this baby based on what you know and feel... but what does God want you to do about it? Does He really think you need to shelter your kids from it? Or would He just accept and love?Sorry if I have offended you.Just my opinion.God bless-Amanda
So I wanted to respond, but I couldn't find her email address on her blog, so I am going to post here. Maybe other's have thought the same thing, so I want to be honest and true and let you know where I am.
First, Amanda, you are right. I do have feelings toward the baby that are unfair. He is a representation of the betrayal and although I know its not his fault, it is still a constant reminder. That being said, before the child abuse allegations, I did see him every weekend. I did hold him, kiss him, hug him, talk to him, and engage him with my children. Before he was born, I would tell myself that I could be a light in his life. I could make a difference, be a safe place for him. That maybe in 18 years, I would see him as a blessing God had sent me and that I would be so grateful for him. I still hope for that. I still want that. I went as far as to ask Mr B to ask the other if she would just give him to us. For us to raise him as ours. I knew the chances were slim, but I thought that would be his best option. Even if I had to hurt the whole time, it would be the best for him. As you can see, that didn't happen.
When the allegations came to light, I felt that I needed to remove myself and only myself from the situation for a while. I prayed about it. A lot. I felt God gave me the peace to do it, but I also knew it was not a forever thing. I always pushed Mr B to see him and every weekend my kids do see him. When I went to church this past weekend, I heard God tell me what I didn't want to hear. I didn't want to face the pain again, but trusting God, that is what I am doing.
You said to "set aside hurt and fear and frustration and rejection and pain...Give it to God" and that is my daily struggle. How do you do that? Do you just pretend it never happened? How do you just not hurt anymore? How do you just not feel the pain? I don't believe that God wants you to not feel emotion. I believe feeling the emotion and conquering it is what heals you. That is what I am striving for. That is what this blog is for. I come here to be able to journal my true feelings. I also spend a lot of time in prayer. Talking to God guides me. I am not perfect. I make mistakes, but I am dealing with this situation, a situation I did not create, to the best of my abilities.
Whenever I do see the baby I don't shun him...I push through the pain and fake the happiness. That is the best I can do at this point. The death of my old self and my old dreams is a hard thing to grieve. I want to adore this baby. I want to miss him when he's not here, but how do you fake feelings? I can fake the actions, but I don't know how to fake the feelings.
So thank you for taking the time to voice your concern. All you said is Very True and perhaps if I were a stronger person, I would be able to be the selfless heroine. Unfortunately, I am a broken sinner who struggles every day just to make it through.