Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Let Me Explain

I received a comment from Amanda for the post "This Weekend Sucked."

She wrote:

You are not going to like me.And BTW, I know its easy to pass judgement on a 2 sec. tid bi of your life. I know there is more to your story....That being said, I feel like you have some feelings toward this baby that aren't fair. I feel like you have not given this situation over to God.Can you imagine... what if you TOTALLY embraced this baby??? What if you brought this baby into your home? What if thats what God wanted you to do? YOU can create a scene of love and accpetance. YOU can foster in total love and peace. YOU can give this other baby more love then you knew you could give. And you know who profits from that? YOUR kids. You set the example and You are the criteria for which they model their own behavior. You have a big opportunity here... set aside hurt and fear and frustration and rejection and pain... Give it to God.Start a-new. Give your family...that baby... s fresh start in an environment of love.I know you have made choices about this baby based on what you know and feel... but what does God want you to do about it? Does He really think you need to shelter your kids from it? Or would He just accept and love?Sorry if I have offended you.Just my opinion.God bless-Amanda

So I wanted to respond, but I couldn't find her email address on her blog, so I am going to post here. Maybe other's have thought the same thing, so I want to be honest and true and let you know where I am.

First, Amanda, you are right. I do have feelings toward the baby that are unfair. He is a representation of the betrayal and although I know its not his fault, it is still a constant reminder. That being said, before the child abuse allegations, I did see him every weekend. I did hold him, kiss him, hug him, talk to him, and engage him with my children. Before he was born, I would tell myself that I could be a light in his life. I could make a difference, be a safe place for him. That maybe in 18 years, I would see him as a blessing God had sent me and that I would be so grateful for him. I still hope for that. I still want that. I went as far as to ask Mr B to ask the other if she would just give him to us. For us to raise him as ours. I knew the chances were slim, but I thought that would be his best option. Even if I had to hurt the whole time, it would be the best for him. As you can see, that didn't happen.

When the allegations came to light, I felt that I needed to remove myself and only myself from the situation for a while. I prayed about it. A lot. I felt God gave me the peace to do it, but I also knew it was not a forever thing. I always pushed Mr B to see him and every weekend my kids do see him. When I went to church this past weekend, I heard God tell me what I didn't want to hear. I didn't want to face the pain again, but trusting God, that is what I am doing.

You said to "set aside hurt and fear and frustration and rejection and pain...Give it to God" and that is my daily struggle. How do you do that? Do you just pretend it never happened? How do you just not hurt anymore? How do you just not feel the pain? I don't believe that God wants you to not feel emotion. I believe feeling the emotion and conquering it is what heals you. That is what I am striving for. That is what this blog is for. I come here to be able to journal my true feelings. I also spend a lot of time in prayer. Talking to God guides me. I am not perfect. I make mistakes, but I am dealing with this situation, a situation I did not create, to the best of my abilities.

Whenever I do see the baby I don't shun him...I push through the pain and fake the happiness. That is the best I can do at this point. The death of my old self and my old dreams is a hard thing to grieve. I want to adore this baby. I want to miss him when he's not here, but how do you fake feelings? I can fake the actions, but I don't know how to fake the feelings.

So thank you for taking the time to voice your concern. All you said is Very True and perhaps if I were a stronger person, I would be able to be the selfless heroine. Unfortunately, I am a broken sinner who struggles every day just to make it through.


Ang said...

I have said this a million times, Until you have walked in anothers shoes it's so easy to sit back and say what we would or wouldn't do....I think you show tremendous strength in your daily walk alone. Keep praying to God to give him the strength you need. Your children as well as your husband needs you right now. Keep yourself prayed up & take one day at a time. This situation has evolved over time and has many emotions tied to's not going to be resolved in a matter of hours!! I love you!!

Nutty mom-- said...

I think you're doing a great job. Better than I could ever do. Just keep doing what you're doing. Over time your feelings may change for the baby. Especially if the other stops accusing ya'll of stuff you didn't do.

Christy said...

You asked a lot of hard questions, but it comes down to one answer...GOD. When you continue to pull things back from him that you give him, it's going to continue the cycle that you've been in.

I'm not judging you, just speaking on the perspective of my own issue's of giving things and taking them back from GOD.

We all have burdens and we all need to give them over to our Lord. The problem is when we continue to take them back from the Lord. Often we don't even realize it until later down the road and we're hit smack dab with the reality of what we've done by taking that burden back as our own.

God is obviously working on your heart.

I will say I'm glad Amanda (who I know and love) wrote you, because sometimes when someone from the outside can share the small glimpse they're getting, it allows us to see the even bigger picture of what GOD's seeing us do, say, and act.

I do and am praying for you, it's obviously not easy and I can't imagine and don't pretend to. Keep seeking God and doing all you can to do his will. It's obvious he's working on your heart that's full of love and fear. Give it to him, just keep giving it to him.

Amanda said...

Sorry if my opinion caused drama. I will just pray for healing and love for everyone involved.

Many blessings-

Ang said...

I thought you might need a good laugh. Check out my latest post...THESE are the kinds of people that I GO to church with..hahhah you gotta love em!!

Tricia said...

my sweet friend...You are a better woman then me. I had a problem with being near my ex husband when i found out about his affair, you are carrying on with such spirit and heart. You are my hero. You are doing fine, take things one step at a time, God's ok with that.. promise.

Tricia said...

{{{{{{{{big hugs}}}}}}}}} and I emailed you btw.. check and make sure i didnt become spam lol

Ang said...

Just had you on my mind..and wanted to check on you!!! Hope you have had a good night and rested well!

Julie said...

I feel so drawn to you blog. It's really I think what I needed to read today. We all have our stuggling moments, but I guess its moments like these that I think I am thankful for my own struggles and weakness, I don't know if I would be as strong as you from what I have read.
Looks to me like you are doing pretty well!

Something In The Glass said...

I've obviously just started reading your blog and don't know the details here, but get the gist of what's going on. So, here is my two cents - for what it's worth...

Our relationship with God is ours to make and one that he alone wants to make with us. There is no end point to becoming what God wants us to be and what He knows we can be. There is nothing we could ever do to get there. Only one person has done it, only one person ever will do it.

The Savior that I believe in isn't frowning on you for your VERY HUMAN reactions to your situation. God expects us to struggle against what He is telling us. It is how He made us - free will and all. I believe that even when we are struggling with God, He is happy and proud - if you weren't struggling with it, it would mean you had given up.