Friday, November 21, 2008

Fear & Anxiety

Update: He called...I feel so much better. :)

I sit here tonight waiting for my husband to come home. He is usually off of work about now, but with the holidays coming up, he works later. I have called him several times and he hasn't picked up. I am sure he is super busy trying to get everyone out, especially on a Friday night, but it still gives me a rush of anxiety. You see a little over a year ago, I found out my husband had had an affair...two, two affairs and I had no clue. I may tell the story one day, but not today. I am not in a place to rehash it now. I am just merely trying to get through it alive. We are a much different couple today than we were then. We are happier than we have ever been, go to church every week, and "work" at our marriage. I love us now, but still wish it wouldn't have happened. Which brings me back to tonight. The fact that the phone rings and goes to voicemail gives me a shot of adrenaline that puts me in a state of panic. I am that lonely, lost wife I was a year ago. I hate being so vulnerable. I wish I could just push it away. Just take a little white pill and drift off to sleep, but I know I need to feel the pain to get through it. I also have three bundles of joy running around who need a mommy to keep them out of the baby soap...ok, they did pour baby soap on the carpet when I was watching them. I am such a good mom! :) So I will ask God for grace each moment I need it and I know He will sustain me. Thank you Lord for you comforting arms. Hopefully Mr B will call soon...I will let you know!

Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine. - Isaiah 43:1

1 comment:

Mom on a coulee said...

I just want you to know you are not alone. I've been there too, just a few years ago, I was the same age you are I had two little ones and it hurt soooo much. It has been longer for me but the pain never goes away it dulls and the sharpness comes back now and then, but God and love can get you and me through even the toughest days. Know you will forever be in my prayers as will your marriage. May God hold you the tightest on the days it hurts the most and days you want to shut it out. You will come out the other side and I know I will too, I just wish I could tell you when that will be.
In Him.