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Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Hurting

Today has been a hard day. My heart is heavy. Today is the first time I have cried in a week, but it seemed to rush out. I feel like its not working...Mr B and myself, like we are far apart. I hate feeling this way. I want so badly to be happy and feel real joy again, but I can't seem to find it.

I feel like the part of my heart that holds Mr B is empty, not because I want it to be. I want so much for us to be close, but we aren't. I put my trust in Jesus, but it doesn't stop the hurt. I hurt so very deeply. I hurt for what was supposed to be and I hurt for the shell of a person I am now. I hurt that I will not be the only one to bear Mr B's children and I hurt for my own children who will one day know that daddy betrayed mommy. Without Christ, it would be too much to bear.

Will the pain ever go away? Will I ever feel normal again? I pray for it. I put wear on my knees and pound heaven's door, to no avail. Be still, and know that I am God. ~ Psalm 46:10

I did my rounds to my favorite blogs today, and while at Jenn's and reading her words of pain, a beautiful song broke through...

Sometimes the way is lonely
And steep and filled with pain
So if your sky is dark and pours the rain, then
Cry to Jesus
Cry to Jesus
Cry to Jesus and live!

Lonely...Yes. Painful...Very. The tears are furious. The ache is throbbing. All I have is Jesus.

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

I am curious of whether you guys have ever got some counseling since his affair? If not it is worth trying to see if you can get over your hurt.

jenn said...

Oh, Mrs. B...I wish there were more than words. I am glad you found comfort in the song. I listen to it over and over some nights. Keep trusting in God, I know how nice it would be if God would just give us a peek into what He has in store for us. He does have something in store, and we just have to trust in that, even when trust seems so impossible.
Love ya,
Jenn

Mrs B said...

Yes, we went to christian counseling. The more we talked about the affair, the more it hurt.

Ang said...

Oh bless your heart. I know you aren't looking for pity right now..you need answers..I too have had a rough day and what I have to offer is go to my blog and listen to my chloe's solo called Little by Little..listen to the words of how God is changing us daily and we weren't what we were before and we aren't what we are going to be that we are somewhere in the middle...spoken from the child of an 8 year old. That song makes me cry everytime I hear it..listen to it twice if you need to just listen...as the bible says...Just Be still and know that He is "God"..He has a plan..we just happen to not know it yet..I will pray for you RIGHT now..HUGS:)

Tricia said...

Tricia-

First of all {{{{{Mrs B.}}}} big big hugs. second of all, there is nothing harder to overcome then a betrayal that cuts so deep. You are already one foot on the speed bump, as you have taken the innocent one in all this (the baby) and let him in your world. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Remember, I am just a blog away

CIRCLE OF LIFE said...

its very hard for any one to guide you other then your heart and jesus at this point. follow your heart , its is a diffulicult situation taht you are in no doubt however you need to be the strongewr one for you did no wrong and ytou have two children to be the caregiver and strength for.jesus is there for you always you are not alone and he has taken worse so he can handle the barrier of your problems, keepo you head up high. i pray that you are granted stength to get through the holidays. i grant that jesus helps you figure out what is the best for you and your family at this time. many prayers are being tossed your way today , eat them up ,blessing michelle

Nutty mom-- said...

I wish I had some great words for you but I don't. I haven't been there. But I will be praying for you, and I could only imagine the pain that you feel. I still think you are so increadibly strong to be where you are and do what you're doing with as much character and love as you show. I'm here for you.

Christy said...

Sorry I'm so behind on your blog.
I'm praying for you two as you both walk through this. I truly believe you are walking this road together, because Christ is with you and have you have forgiven him. You're hurting and I hope no one tries to take that reality away from you. We hurt sometimes. Over time you will be past it and I pray that God will allow it to be sooner rather than later, for your sake.

I know without a doubt God's going to use this hurt of yours that you're experiencing RIGHT NOW for his glory. Girl your hurt for God's glory! I don't know how, but we know he will. No amount of pain is wasted, nothing is waste.

God WILL ease this hurt, this emptiness, this loneliness. I'm praying for you .

(((((((((((((God Bless)))))))))))))