Today has been a hard day. My heart is heavy. Today is the first time I have cried in a week, but it seemed to rush out. I feel like its not working...Mr B and myself, like we are far apart. I hate feeling this way. I want so badly to be happy and feel real joy again, but I can't seem to find it.
I feel like the part of my heart that holds Mr B is empty, not because I want it to be. I want so much for us to be close, but we aren't. I put my trust in Jesus, but it doesn't stop the hurt. I hurt so very deeply. I hurt for what was supposed to be and I hurt for the shell of a person I am now. I hurt that I will not be the only one to bear Mr B's children and I hurt for my own children who will one day know that daddy betrayed mommy. Without Christ, it would be too much to bear.
Will the pain ever go away? Will I ever feel normal again? I pray for it. I put wear on my knees and pound heaven's door, to no avail. Be still, and know that I am God. ~ Psalm 46:10
I did my rounds to my favorite blogs today, and while at Jenn's and reading her words of pain, a beautiful song broke through...
Sometimes the way is lonely
And steep and filled with pain
So if your sky is dark and pours the rain, then
Cry to Jesus
Cry to Jesus
Cry to Jesus and live!
Lonely...Yes. Painful...Very. The tears are furious. The ache is throbbing. All I have is Jesus.