As I have said before, I will no longer be seeing the baby until I feel that my children are no longer at risk. With child abuse allegations come serious inquiry and I am not putting my family in this kind of jeopardy. I have been very clear as to where the line is drawn and I refuse to waiver.
So last night, Mr B informs me that along with seeing the baby on Saturday, he will be bringing him to Christmas the following Thursday. I then told him, "You know if the baby is there, I won't be". For some reason, he was surprised and all be it, a little angry. "You will have witnesses." he says, "It will be fine. You just are using this whole thing to not have to see the baby." I can't say that this whole not seeing the baby thing has been easier...it totally has, but I did see the baby, even when it was hard. I was the one that pushed to see him, but when the allegations came, Mama Bear came out. Mr B said, "Then you just won't be there." Maybe its selfish, but that really hurt. I know the baby won't remember and Mr B will see him on Saturday, so I feel like I should be able to enjoy my kids having Christmas with their grandparents. Mr B and I always tell each other that we are most important to each other, over our kids. But when he picked the baby over me, it cut deep. I could have made Mr B choose keep the baby and I leave or not see him at all, but I didn't. Am I asking too much? My prayer is that in the next few years, when the baby doesn't remember, I can learn to accept him into our family without the pain I get when I see him, but I'm not there yet. Well, I cried and cried and cried.
This morning, when we woke up, a lot of pent up emotions came flooding out. Over the last month or so, I feel like Mr B has stopped trying...not that he doesn't love me, but it feels like he doesn't think love should be work. I would send him text messages at work telling him I loved him, but no texts in return. When we were really working on our marriage, I would get five text messages a day. But now, he is too busy.
I had also commented to him several times in the past few weeks that I am so grateful about how much he loves on Belle. He showers her with hugs and kisses, lights up when he sees her and just adores all aspects of her. I told him that I wanted that too. That I want to feel special just like she does.
He never seem to grasp what I was saying or was just too lazy to implement it. With all of this lack of action, I stopped too. I know I shouldn't have, but there is just a point I reached when I had no more to give. I told him I was tired of being an after thought that I want to be important to him and that I don't feel I am.
I also asked him if he had gotten me a Christmas gift. He said "When do I have time to go get you a gift?" and that to me says it all right there. When something is important to you, you make it happen. I got his gift six weeks ago because I put a lot of thought into it and I wanted it to be special. Christmas would have come and gone and he probably wouldn't have said anything. Its not about the gift...I could care less, its really the thought. He could have written me a letter and it would have meant more to me than anything he could have purchased.
He also asked me if I had thought about leaving him. The thought had crossed my mind, but it isn't something I want to do. I want to be with him, love on him and feel the same in return. I just want to so bad what I can't have. A whole family, a perfect family, a husband who adores me, who would never betray me...but all of that is impossible. Please pray for me. I don't even know what for, but my thoughts are so clouded. I just need it.
He says he gets it now. He read my post last night that I wrote when I was in a dark place, when I was losing hope. I think it helped to open his eyes. He says he will try harder. I sent him a text this morning and he already sent one back! A good sign :)
Also, on another note, we are going to the local children's hospital tomorrow to see a cardiologist about Belle's heart. She has had a murmur since she was born. Please pray that it has closed and all is well. That would be the best Christmas present we could get. Thank you so much.