Update 2+ Years in the Making

It's been more than a year since I have visited my blog.  I am in a really great place right now and I think the fear of looking at my past pain has kept me away. 

Here is a quick timeline of the last three years:

• I started Celebrate Recovery to help me heal my wounds and forgive.  I learned a lot and forgave a lot.
• I started attending a Wives group for men who had been unfaithful.  It taught me boundaries and how to protect my heart.
• We started weekly meetings with one of our church pastors.  He seemed disconnected and defiant.
• As a result of learning how to implement boundaries, I wrote out a boundaries plan for our marriage and told my husband he must abide by them or he needed to move out.  It's not something I would suggest except in extreme circumstances, where a spouse is being completely reckless.  He agreed to the boundaries.
• He promptly crossed the boundaries and moved out.
• He bought flowers for his "mother" on Valentine's Day.  Guess what?  They weren't for his mother.
• He cheated again.  It was painful, but not nearly as painful as the time before.
• I retained a lawyer for divorce.
• I rebounded with an affair of my own.  I justified it by telling myself that since I had crossed this line, I wouldn't be able to take him back.  I had convinced myself I was happy and over Mr. B.
• I moved out of our house and moved back home with my parents.  He moved back into our house.  (I didn't want to take care of his dogs that needed that back yard and I couldn't afford the upkeep.  Plus, I had a built in baby sitter so I could go out with the rebound.)
• I drank and slept away my pain.
• He graveled for me to come back (not knowing about the rebound).
• We continued to go to church together because "it was good for the kids".
• One week, after church, I just sat in the pew and cried.  The sermon had been about hypocrisy and boy, had I been convicted.
• A fellow church member saw us and was led to talk to us.  He introduced us to a couple who counseled spouses going through shit like this. 
• I continued to deny having an affair.  I rationalized it by listening to Satan tell me Mr. B would never change.  He never had in the past.  He would change for a while, but it was always a front.
• After months of seeing him suffer, of him not going out, working hard, calling me every night to pray with me and the kids, really seeing Jesus in him, I realized if I were to look for a new man, it would be all the qualities my husband now had.  I decided to dump the rebound and give this marriage a distanced, trial run.
• Boy did I make him work hard for it.  I continued to play innocent victim.
• By February 2012, we were living together again. 
• March 2012, we went to a presentation about infidelity.  I actually made him go, another way of guilt tripping him for what he had done.  While there, the pastor went over the differences between real and fake repentance.  He said that someone who is truly sorry, confesses before being found out.  I was CONVICTED.  I knew I had to tell him.  I knew it was going to suck.  I broke his heart.  He worked for 7 months to win me back and I completely betrayed him.
• Spring 2012 we started Married for Life, a 12 week course learning tools for our marriage.  We were 100% back in. We renewed our vows and in December, had our 4th baby.

Valor Lynn - 12.20.2012
 

 

The hurt and pain I read here breaks my heart.  Our lives are so drastically different now.  As I type the timeline, I wonder how I made such poor decisions.

We are currently in training to teach our own Married for Life class.  We are also helping to plant a new church in Wichita, KS.  We tell our story with sadness, but without shame.  God has redeemed us and we know both our lives and our marriage are a new creation.  Gone are the days of Facebook, locked phones, late nights and selfishness.  We pray and do devotionals together daily.  We spend our free time together.  He is my best friend, my leader and I see Jesus in him every day.  I am beyond humbled to be his wife and to do this work with him.

I didn't think this day was possible, but God promised me a family.  He promised me joy over pain and he delivered ten fold.  Because of His faithfulness and goodness, I will go wherever He asks.

Proverbs 3:5-7

⁵ Trust in the Lord with all your heart;
    do not depend on your own understanding.
⁶ Seek his will in all you do,
    and he will show you which path to take.

New Living Translation (NLT)

When do you say enough is enough?

Is there a time when you know its over? I keep trying and trying, but it's getting worse and not better. I want him to love me, to think of his family first and to be the leader of our household. It breaks my heart to think of our home as a "broken home", but is there a point of no return?

I know I can only control my actions and my reactions, but I am losing patience. There was a point, probably two years ago, when Mr B acted like a married man and husband. He is now spending more and more time at the bar, spending our grocery and gas money there.

He's been home for the last few weeks due to viral meningitis and being on narcotics. He sleeps or Facebooks all day while I work. He doesn't help with the house work or kids. Its all on my shoulders and to tell you the truth, I'm about to break.

Money has been a real stress for me lately, so I set up a budget to get us through the next few months. He sits down with me and agrees to it and two days later is spending cash like that conversation never happened. Last Saturday we actually only had $10 in the bank, which he knew, and he went to the bar and spent $30, leaving me at home with our three children and the baby. What should be my reaction to this?

I'm tired of being the only adult. I'm tired of not having a partner. I'm tired of him not being parent. I'm tired of him of thinking of himself. I'm just tired. It's a lot to bear and I am so weary. The only thing that has gotten me through so far is God. He has promised me something beautiful, I just don't know how much muck I'm gonna have to walk through before I get to walk through the flowers. I do know that Jesus will walk through it with me.

Looking Back

This evening I spent my time reading through my past posts. Wow, was I a sad and broken woman. I'm happy to report that I am and have been living in acceptance for quite some time. Its still difficult when The Other calls, but the worry is gone. Not back to normal, but getting very close.

As to my marriage, the last 6 months or so, its been rocky. We've had fights, I've threatened to leave, we've both been childish. I have issues with how he spends his time and he feels like I have him on a leash. A moment of clarity hit me about a month ago and by "clarity" I mean the Holy Spirit! He said to me, "You need to work on yourself instead of worrying about Mr. B and whatever he's doing. Let me worry about him. I will be your husband until he can is able to be." So, I took off my engagement and wedding ring and replaced it with my grandmother's simple gold band. Ever since that moment, it's as if my eyes have been opened. I see him in a new light and whenever he does something that I would usually get upset about, I just talk to God and remind myself that He is taking care of me and as long as I put my trust in Him, He will take care of the rest.

Also, I have discovered that my way of parenting can be destructive at times. I have found myself yelling and even *gasp* stomping my foot when I catch them blatantly disobeying. As I'm throwing my temper tantrum, I am saying to myself "Hey, calm down. Why are you yelling?" The real turning point happened the other day when Belle was chatting me into oblivion (as 4 year olds do :]) and I really needed a break. I got snippy with her and told her I needed her to be quiet and I needed some time. She went into the other room and told Mr B "Mama doesn't want to hear my voice." Wow, it hit me right then. I should be a reflection of the Lord to her, not making her feel unwanted. I repented and resolved right then that I WOULD be that example. I would show my children love, even when they make poor choices or disobey. I will discipline in love and let them reap the consequences of their decisions, always embrace them in love.

This is not the life I am able to live 100% of the time, but I am surprised by how much of myself I have been able to change just in the last month alone. The freedom I am now experiencing is more than I would have ever thought I could have, even a year ago. Getting through the pain has brought me to a place where I can now start on a fresh path with God, not being defined (in my own eyes) as the jilted wife.

Truths

I am taking a class at church called Celebrate Recovery. In it, we journey through our hurts, hangups an habits in order to find victory in our lives and leave those burdens behind. Here are some of the truths I have discovered.

1. When I mess up, God never yells or guilt trips. He lovingly picks me up and walks me hand-in-hand through the consequence, never leaving my side.
2. I live behind a mask of perfection. Behind this computer is a dirty house with laundry needing to be done. I will never pretend otherwise.
3. To "Give it to God" means to believe in His plan and trust Him enough to live life everyday as a faithful child of God. It doesn't mean the hurt is gone, only that He promises not to waste it.
4. I can't change other's choices or behaviours. Only my reactions to them.
5. Fixating on other's problems is only a clever way to keep from fixing my own.
6. I am responsible TO others adults, but not FOR other adults.
7. Sanity is having the freedom to say God is in control AND believing it.
8. God's plan for me is perfect, yet I live in an imperfect world.
9. God's mercy is renewed every morning, and so should mine.
10. Prayer is powerful.

Our Christmas Pictures Are Up!

We had a our Christmas pictures taken two weeks ago. It was really great to be able to include the baby in our annual tradition. We didn't get a smile out of him, but maybe next year.

It was an unseasonably warm day, so we went to the park. Belle was on a mission to find dandy lions to blow, Raef wouldn't let go of his apple, the baby followed along and Marcus kept having to have his uneven bangs swept to the side. Mr B and I had a nice time letting the kids run free and just holding hands, appreciating our blessings. It was a truly fantastic day.

Go to Blue Rue Studio's 'Access Gallery' and enter code cf6839ee.

I'm Getting A Sister!!!

Well, my younger brother has just proposed to the sweetest girl in California. You can read all about it here.

He put an entire plan together including a plane ride, photographers a ferry and a wooden ring he widdled himself. Where did he get this sentimental side you ask? I have no idea! My dad's idea of a Christmas gift for my mom was letting her buy herself whatever she wanted.

Thinking back on my little brother, I remember his chubby cheeks (not so chubby anymore), our sibling fights and my best friend (until I entered high school of course!) Then he moved away and now I miss him greatly, but hey, I got an awesome new sister out of it, so I guess that makes up for it...oh yeah, and he's incredibly happy...what else could a big sister ask for.

Congratulations Nick and Dani! I can't wait to see your babies! :)

Where Have You Been?

Where in the world have you been...ok, so its been a while. Well, let me tell you what I've been up to.

I started a new business! Yeah! It's called Humble Like This Child (from Matthew 18:4 -Whoever becomes humble like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.)

I make dolls, tutu's and dresses. Kind of my creative outlet. Its been incredibly time consuming but is a great reward. You can see it here. I hope you check it out.

Also, I wanted to let you know that I am hosting a raffle for Mrs R, one of my favorite blogging mommies. She is going through so much, that I ask you to please say a prayer for her. If you want more info on the raffle (where the prize is a custom doll) you can go here.

Also, if you see something you like, here's a 10% off coupon, just for you...just enter "MyBlog" in your cart. :)

I have also been working on my spiritual journey. Remember when I asked "How do you give the hard days to God?" Well, I think I figured it out. It's not about giving Him the pain so that I no longer have pain. It's about KNOWING that He has a plan for my pain. "...but he said to me, My grace is sufficient for you, for power is made perfect in weakness."

So that's what I've been up to? How bout you?