Monday, July 15, 2013

Update 2+ Years in the Making

It's been more than a year since I have visited my blog.  I am in a really great place right now and I think the fear of looking at my past pain has kept me away. 

Here is a quick timeline of the last three years:
  • I started Celebrate Recovery to help me heal my wounds and forgive.  I learned a lot and forgave a lot.
  • I started attending a Wives group for men who had been unfaithful.  It taught me boundaries and how to protect my heart.
  • We started weekly meetings with one of our church pastors.  He seemed disconnected and defiant.
  • As a result of learning how to implement boundaries, I wrote out a boundaries plan for our marriage and told my husband he must abide by them or he needed to move out.  It's not something I would suggest except in extreme circumstances, where a spouse is being completely reckless.  He agreed to the boundaries.
  • He promptly crossed the boundaries and moved out.
  • He bought flowers for his "mother" on Valentine's Day.  Guess what?  They weren't for his mother.
  • He cheated again.  It was painful, but not nearly as painful as the time before.
  • I retained a lawyer for divorce.
  • I rebounded with an affair of my own.  I justified it by telling myself that since I had crossed this line, I wouldn't be able to take him back.  I had convinced myself I was happy and over Mr. B.
  • I moved out of our house and moved back home with my parents.  He moved back into our house.  (I didn't want to take care of his dogs that needed that back yard and I couldn't afford the upkeep.  Plus, I had a built in baby sitter so I could go out with the rebound.)
  • I drank and slept away my pain.
  • He graveled for me to come back (not knowing about the rebound).
  • We continued to go to church together because "it was good for the kids".
  • One week, after church, I just sat in the pew and cried.  The sermon had been about hypocrisy and boy, had I been convicted.
  • A fellow church member saw us and was led to talk to us.  He introduced us to a couple who counseled spouses going through shit like this. 
  • I continued to deny having an affair.  I rationalized it by listening to Satan tell me Mr. B would never change.  He never had in the past.  He would change for a while, but it was always a front.
  • After months of seeing him suffer, of him not going out, working hard, calling me every night to pray with me and the kids, really seeing Jesus in him, I realized if I were to look for a new man, it would be all the qualities my husband now had.  I decided to dump the rebound and give this marriage a distanced, trial run.
  • Boy did I make him work hard for it.  I continued to play innocent victim.
  • By February 2012, we were living together again. 
  • March 2012, we went to a presentation about infidelity.  I actually made him go, another way of guilt tripping him for what he had done.  While there, the pastor went over the differences between real and fake repentance.  He said that someone who is truly sorry, confesses before being found out.  I was CONVICTED.  I knew I had to tell him.  I knew it was going to suck.  I broke his heart.  He worked for 7 months to win me back and I completely betrayed him.
  • Spring 2012 we started Married for Life, a 12 week course learning tools for our marriage.  We were 100% back in. We renewed our vows and in December, had our 4th baby.

Valor Lynn - 12.20.2012
The hurt and pain I read here breaks my heart.  Our lives are so drastically different now.  As I type the timeline, I wonder how I made such poor decisions.

We are currently in training to teach our own Married for Life class.  We are also helping to plant a new church in Wichita, KS.  We tell our story with sadness, but without shame.  God has redeemed us and we know both our lives and our marriage are a new creation.  Gone are the days of Facebook, locked phones, late nights and selfishness.  We pray and do devotionals together daily.  We spend our free time together.  He is my best friend, my leader and I see Jesus in him every day.  I am beyond humbled to be his wife and to do this work with him.

I didn't think this day was possible, but God promised me a family.  He promised me joy over pain and he delivered ten fold.  Because of His faithfulness and goodness, I will go wherever He asks.

Proverbs 3:5-7

Trust in the Lord with all your heart;
    do not depend on your own understanding.
Seek his will in all you do,
    and he will show you which path to take.

New Living Translation (NLT)

No comments: