Friday, October 8, 2010

Looking Back

This evening I spent my time reading through my past posts. Wow, was I a sad and broken woman. I'm happy to report that I am and have been living in acceptance for quite some time. Its still difficult when The Other calls, but the worry is gone. Not back to normal, but getting very close.

As to my marriage, the last 6 months or so, its been rocky. We've had fights, I've threatened to leave, we've both been childish. I have issues with how he spends his time and he feels like I have him on a leash. A moment of clarity hit me about a month ago and by "clarity" I mean the Holy Spirit! He said to me, "You need to work on yourself instead of worrying about Mr. B and whatever he's doing. Let me worry about him. I will be your husband until he can is able to be." So, I took off my engagement and wedding ring and replaced it with my grandmother's simple gold band. Ever since that moment, it's as if my eyes have been opened. I see him in a new light and whenever he does something that I would usually get upset about, I just talk to God and remind myself that He is taking care of me and as long as I put my trust in Him, He will take care of the rest.

Also, I have discovered that my way of parenting can be destructive at times. I have found myself yelling and even *gasp* stomping my foot when I catch them blatantly disobeying. As I'm throwing my temper tantrum, I am saying to myself "Hey, calm down. Why are you yelling?" The real turning point happened the other day when Belle was chatting me into oblivion (as 4 year olds do :]) and I really needed a break. I got snippy with her and told her I needed her to be quiet and I needed some time. She went into the other room and told Mr B "Mama doesn't want to hear my voice." Wow, it hit me right then. I should be a reflection of the Lord to her, not making her feel unwanted. I repented and resolved right then that I WOULD be that example. I would show my children love, even when they make poor choices or disobey. I will discipline in love and let them reap the consequences of their decisions, always embrace them in love.

This is not the life I am able to live 100% of the time, but I am surprised by how much of myself I have been able to change just in the last month alone. The freedom I am now experiencing is more than I would have ever thought I could have, even a year ago. Getting through the pain has brought me to a place where I can now start on a fresh path with God, not being defined (in my own eyes) as the jilted wife.

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