Wednesday, July 24, 2013

Eight Years Ago Today

Eight years ago today, I woke up in the arms of my new husband.  It was our first official day as husband and wife.  Just the day before, we had pledged our faith, love and fidelity to each other.  I never could have foreseen the path that we would journey.  The hurt, lies and betrayal that followed seemed unimaginable that day. 

As I look back at year two, knowing he spent the week of our anniversary flouncing around with a woman who was newly married herself, a marriage I witnessed I might add, breaks my heart.  I remember going to that wedding with him sitting next to me, him telling me how beautiful she looked, and having NO CLUE.  To be hones, it still makes me a bit angry.  He took her with him on trips.  I'm sure they watched movies and laughed and of course, banged it out more times than I care to imagine.

For a few years I lived in that place.  Wondering how he could have done that.  How could I ever make it out the other side.  And when he cheated again, with no seeming care for me or the children, I found myself in a more callous state.  This time, I promised myself, I would not crumble at the pain.  This time I got mad.  This time, he would not make a fool of me.  Turns out, I was able to do that all on my own.

And so, I spent our sixth anniversary, banging it out with a rebound.  I remember coming home that weekend, and he had roses sitting on the table for me.  I CHOSE not to care.  I reminded myself I was done.  He wouldn't change anyway therefore our anniversary had no meaning. 

I continued to cheer myself on, and away from him, for seven months.  Continued to shame him for his indiscretions while carrying on my own sin.  But something happened while I was away.  He began to change.  He continued to fight for me and I continued to hate him.  I now see I continued on the affair to numb my pain of inadequacy.   I was hurting so bad, I pretended casual sex meant something.  That I was worth something, because in reality the enemy had convinced me I was worthless. 

We didn't buy gifts yesterday.  I had a Jesus moment when I realized every day in my present life was the gift I had dreamed of as a little girl.  No flower, jewelry or dinner could be as good as what I have now.  Contentment is the joy of everyday.  Contentment was my gift.


weapon2277 said...

Glad you are doing so much better! Miss you!

Mrs B said...

Its so good to hear from you! We are doing so well! We live in Wichita now and are helping plant a local church. We are gearing up to teach a marriage class, weird, huh? I miss you too! Hope you are well.