His Priorities ~ Chapter 16

Sorry I haven't posted. We have been sick, sick, sick...I actually accidentally OD'd Belle today on Actametiphan (did I spell that right? Whatever!) I had to call poison control...they said she would be fine. Then Mr B actually left me home with them! After I almost killed our first born! I am not to be trusted. Oh and Sophia, I love you...you know who you are! :)

Do you feel your husband's priorities are in the right order? Explain. I think in his head they are in the right order, but its his practice where he gets out of whack. By making work first, he thinks he is providing what our family needs most. No, what our family needs is him. I know he thinks by doing extra, it is in our best interest, but there are some nights I just need him. Work be damned! The extra things he does are not his responsibility, but when he does them, they become his. He doesn't understand that endless cycle.

Do you feel that you are first after God on your husband's priority list? How does that make you feel? Again, in his head I am. That is where I should and want to be, but like I said, work seems to come first. Even above his own well being.

Do you ever feel that you are unprotected, unloved, or uncovered because you are not a priority with your husband? Yes. When I tell him I am really sick (like today) and I really need him home, since I don't have anyone to help me with three small children and he goes to work anyway, I feel low on the list. I know if it were reversed, I would stay home in a flash for him, even if we didn't have kids. Just to take care of him.

Can you think of ways you could set aside time for you and your husband to be alone doing things he enjoys? List them. This is something I do strive to do. He likes to watch fights (boxing, UFC, etc) so I try to be excited about them too and plan fun food and watch them with him.

Do you ever wish your husband would take more time for you alone than he does? Explain. We don't have enough alone time together because we have so many small children. I would like to have more, but its not his fault we don't.

Do you ever feel your husband puts his children before you? In what ways? Yes. Belle has a hold on him. Whatever she asks, she gets. He is working on it though, so I can't complain too much.

Does your husband ever feel you put your children before him? Are you sure? If so, what could you do about this? I believe he does when it comes to Marcus. I feel he is still a baby and especially now when he is sick, I hate to let him cry for long periods of time. He knows that at a certain point I let go, but Marcus just hasn't gotten old enough for me yet.

Do you feel he puts the interests of other people before those of his own family? Explain. How does that affect the family? Whenever his brother calls at 11:00 PM to see if he can come over, Mr B lets him. I hate that because we have kids and I don't like those things sprung on me. I have told him that before, but he has a hard time saying no. He feels like his brother is all alone, which I totally get, but it is still hard to entertain after a day with the kids. I just want that time to be for us, since it is so precious.

His Reputation ~ Chapter 15

Let me say that I don't really get this chapter. Virtue is indeed important, but is she asking that we pray that God helps our husband keep his name in good standing? What about the things that are spread by others or out of his/our control? I think this is indeed a good thing to pray for, but doesn't the Bible say that God blesses those who are persecuted unjustly?

Also, what do you do when his bad reputation tarnishes you? I wish she would have touched on that. I feel like everyone who knows of the affairs looks on me as weak, they throw me pity, and I am just a "poor wife." That is something I really hate. I know I am no any of those things, that I must work even harder now to restore my name because of his infractions. I guess I'm a little bitter...praying for that too.

So I guess my prayer is that he chooses wisely and within his control in order to keep a good reputation. I do think I can have a major impact in that I can condone or disapprove of behaviours that would put his name in a good/bad light. However, in the end, I can't control his actions. So I will continue to pray that God continues to bless him, give him wisdom, and clarity. In those things, I believe he can/is work(ing) on reparing his reputation.

Random Updates

Just some random things I wanted everyone to know...

1. I got my butt up and went to the gym today...gained 8 lbs since the last time I was there. On a strict diet until my dignity returns. Breakfast was a myriad of vitamins...yum.

2. On Stephanie Meyer's website, you can read the partial draft of Midnight Sun. It is Twilight from Edwards perspective. I am hoping she will finish it, but she says she wont...(insert tears here)

3. I officially have $1 in my bank account and don't get paid until the 6th...awesome.

4. I was late paying a credit card and yesterday, when I sent off the payment, I finally answered their call. Here's how it went:

Me: Yes, I sent my payment today...

Them: Are you having a tough time right now...

Me: (Sarcastically) Yeah! My hours were cut to five a week.

Them: (Super nice) Well, let me see what we can do. Ok, I just cut your interest rate to 10% (it was 23%) and put you on a payment schedule which will cut your payment in half. It will also stop the late fees and as long as you pay on time, we won't report anything to the credit bureau.

Me: Uhhh...thanks!

I should have answered that phone call last week! They've only been calling me eight times a day!

5. My mom bought us a printer for Christmas from Circuit City, but did not buy the cable I need to connect it. Its a Circuit City exclusive which means the ink and the cable must be purchased from Circuit City or Lexmark.com...blast!

Marcus...What Am I Going To Do With You?

Last week, I walked by the exersaucer that has been patiently waiting to come out of the garage and play with Marcus. I see it in there...all the little animals staring at me (the lion, seal, horse, and elephant), begging me...so I finally obliged. Took me about an hour to clean it, get all the dog hair off of it, and eww...the old Cheerios out of the crevices...but finally, it was clean and awaiting Marcus' arrival.

So Marcus eagerly jumps in and immediately the animals start vying for his affection. He has a conversation with the horse, but between you and me, I think she's a little needy. He has some one on one time with the lion...they have a lovely time, but I think Marcus just wants to be friends. Its now between the elephant and the seal...

Marcus spends a little time with the elephant, but it is clear, all he can think about is that damn seal. She's been showing her goods and flashing that tail...its just too much for poor Marcus to handle.

So what does he do right in front of Ms. Elephant? Sucks face with the seal. There is saliva flying everywhere...I was so embarrassed. Look at him! He knows exactly what he's doing. Good grief Marcus! I raised you better than that!







I even caught him feelin her up under her tail and what did she do to stop it! Nothing! I think I am going to have to have a serious talk with that slut young lady!





Just the other day he was my little baby...how did he become such a player? Why God, why?!?

His Integrity ~ Chapter 14

1. Integrity means to adhere to moral and ethical principles. Do you feel your husband is a man of integrity? Why or why not?
Yes, I believe he stands firm on what he believes to be moral and ethical, although I think his bar needs to be higher. I understand that I can not change his views and so I am praying that God will hold him to a stricter and more holy standard.

2. Is the man your husband appears to be to other people the same or different than the man you know him to be in private? How so? He is totally different around other people. He doesn't like to show weakness and when he is around other people, he seems to talk louder and with different vocabulary. Almost like he is trying to be assertive...even around his friends, I can see that he is different.

3. Is your husband for the most part a man of his word? Could he improve in that area? If so in what way? He is mostly a man of this world, but I can see that he is starting to leave that little by little and move more into the Christian/Heavenly thinking. He could definitely improve, but I think him progress is promising.

4. Is your husband easily deceived? Have you ever seen him being deceived in any way? Are you concerned that he might be deceived sometime in the future? Explain. I think Satan has a good hold on convincing him that he is weak and a failure...that it is important to always be strong and you can never ask for help. He is getting better at recognizing it.

5. Do you believe your husband would ever compromise what he knows to be the right thing to do? Explain. He obviously has in the past and like anyone trying to quit a sinful life style, there is always temptation to do it again, but I think he recognizes it and thus far, he has done a good job to thwart Satan's attempts.

6. Do you sense there are influences around your husband trying to sway him away from the paths of righteousness? A lot of his childhood friends and alcohol. Even though they are small portions of his life, I don't like the person he is when he is around either of them.

So on today's previous post, Mr B showed tremendous integrity and I am so proud of him. I am praying that the growing continues and what he knows to be true, he holds fast to.

One thing I am concerned about is his friends and the way he acts around them. There is no cursing in our home (ok, very rarely and under dire circumstances) but when he is around his friends, it seems to be in every sentence. When we are driving in the car, we listen to only christian music, but when his friends are around, break out Marylin Manson...gee whiz. No alcohol is ever purchased by us, but when his friends come over, they bring 20 packs and it's party time, although ever since our bad weekend, he has cut that down quite a bit. Are you getting my drift?

So what I am really praying for is that he recognize the path God wants him to be on and Mr B gives up the things that hinder him from it. I pray that I will be a good influence and proper support. I feel that when he knows that something is righteous, he goes to it full force, but the items I mentioned above, somehow don't apply. I just want him to be the person he is with me and an outstanding example of Christ.

Saturday Updates - Mostly In Pictures

Saturday morning, I took her to get her very first haircut. She was so good and I think it turned out really well. I also got my hair cut and eyebrows waxed. That is as close as I get to being pampered. :)

We then went to my moms and she made a fantastic spread for the party.

Every year, on Belle's birthday, I have her take a picture in my prom dress...

Sunday Updates

So many things happened this weekend. Anything that I have pictures for, will be blogged about later...when I can find my camera.

So Sunday morning, we are supposed to go to the early service at church because at the later service, Mr B and I work in the nursery. Well, we had such a late night on Saturday that we didn't make it to the first service.

While Mr B was in the shower, he hollered at me. I went in and he said "I have to ask you a serious favor...do you mind if I not do the nursery today, but I go to service?" Really, I didn't want him to go, but I knew if he was asking, he felt he needed to be there. So of course, I told him to go.

I walked out of the bathroom and not five minutes later I can hear him calling me again. I went to see what he needed and he told me to sit down. Well, this must not be good.

Long Pause...

"Yesterday, when you took Belle to your moms...I was on the computer and I felt the urge..."

The urge to?

"The urge to go to websites I knew I shouldn't be on...I actually went as far as typing in the address. But at the last minute, I decided I would go work out instead. I just needed a release and since we haven't been able to have sex since you have been on your period all week, I found out that I am not as strong as I thought I was. I just wanted you to know that."

Ok...well, thanks for telling me. I am proud of you for saying no to your demons.

So this whole conversation really hit me smack in the face...especially with me preparing myself for the emotion earthquake of seeing the baby. It was a lot to take in. It's not that I am mad at him...I am so proud that he said no, that he did not act on his temptation. Thats part of what I have been praying for right? Not only that, but he confessed to me the thought of sinning...I feel like that's so much progress...on the other hand, it still hurts that he thinks about it. I suppose that is a small part of the equation and the other 95% of it I am so thankful for. I know that Satan will always be there, whispering in his ear and as long as he says no, he is being a righteous man.

**So after I wrote that paragraph, my thoughts started swimming around in my head. Was Mr B just confessing this small infraction because he was really hiding something bigger? Had he cheated again...why would he even tell me about this if he did nothing wrong. So I called him and asked. He said that he hasn't and that if I ever have questions like that, to call and ask. He will never be mad. About a half our later, he called to see how I was doing. He said that he felt like the enemy had gotten to him on Saturday and since he didn't get him, now he was coming after me in my thoughts. I hadn't thought about it like that...what perspective he has. If you all only knew him a few years ago, you would be shocked on him growth. I know he isn't cheating and I need to do a better job on keeping Satans lies out of my head.

After church, Mr B went with Raef to pick up the baby. I went ahead and took Belle and Marcus to his moms where we were all coming over for a late breakfast. When I heard Mr B come in with the baby, my heart began to race...I went to greet them and held out my arms to the baby.

He has gotten so much bigger. I gave him a warm smile and helped him take off his coat. I handed him a small piece of biscuit and he took it while looking around at all the things going on. He just seemed to absorb all the chaos going on...the kids running around like crazy misfits, the loud chatter of the tv and the aroma of breakfast in the air.

Later, Mr B was trying to get him to stand up and take a few steps. I told him to give him to me and I would try to have him walk towards him...no dice, but when Mr B held him and I held out my arms, encouraging him to walk, wouldn't you know he took three steps and fell into my arms. Instinctively, I gave him a big smile and congratulated him by throwing him in the air and saying "What a good job! What a big boy". He gave me the biggest smile back and for an instant, he was mine. For an instant I forgot about the pain...for an instant, he was just my little boy taking some of his fist steps...for an instant, I was proud.

The rest of the night was uneventful, buy I would be lying if I said that every time I looked at him, there wasn't a stab of pain in my chest. That seeing him and holding him didn't make my breathing a little labored, but heh, I got through it and here I am on the other side alive.

Later that night, Mr B wanted me to go with him to take the baby back...lets just say, I'm not ready to see her again. Maybe another weekend, but not this weekend.

So to sum up Sunday, it was hard. It was emotionally draining and by the end, I was completely wiped out. So I am now building myself up for next weekend, which will involve his birthday party at our house...I am sure there will be many crazy posts to come.