I Wonder, Do You Know Him?

That's My King! from Albert Martin on Vimeo.

Songs from Heaven

As I'm pulling into the grocery store parking lot, my little Valor asleep in the backseat, Revelation Song by Philips, Craig &  Dean came on the radio.  I don't know what it is about this song, but every time I hear it, the Holy Spirit shows up.  It feels as if this song must be what the angels sing in heaven.

Randy Phillips said about the song:

“This song captures the moment of looking up into Heaven, peeling back the curtain of eternity so we can peek in."

He said it so perfectly.  This song is eternity, love and revelation.  I sat in the parking space, hands held up to God, eyes closed, tears running down my face, softly singing along.  He was there, with us in the car.

This isn't the version I heard today, but the video is beautiful.  At the 4:13 mark, when Mary runs to both toddler and adult Jesus, I weep for her.  The anguish she must of felt knowing her baby boy's fate, the love she dared to have for him anyway, amazes me.  She is the ultimate picture of a mother's love.

In Memory of Silas Rondomanski

I ask for prayers for my new friend, Tiffany Rondomanski and her family.  She lost her sweet baby boy, Silas, just a few weeks ago. 

I met her for lunch this past Sunday and let me tell you, she is A.M.A.Z.I.N.G!!  Her strength in God astounded me.  She recounted the past few weeks, but what stuck with me was the absolute peace she carried, the clarity she had of her Father holding her and her resolve to make Silas' life a thing of beauty, not sadness.

In her church, it is believed that babies pick their assignment before they are born.  She told me she believed he chose this short life to teach her deep, instant love.  He looked into her eyes and she could see how much he loved her.  How beautiful is that? 

While I sat there in tears, listening to her journey I could feel the Holy Spirit with her.  I mean, His presence was thick.  I don't know if I've ever felt Him so strongly through someone else.  I just kept being reminded of Psalm 34:18 "The Lord is near to those who have a broken heart, and saves those who have a crushed spirit."  He delivered on that promise and surrounded her in an almost tangible way.

I am sad I never met Silas.  Never got to hold him or kiss his soft hair, but because of his momma, because she has valiantly made the decision to celebrate her love for him and her testimony with God, my life will never be the same.  I am blessed by this child.

 

If you want to read more about her story, you can here.

Eight Years Ago Today

Eight years ago today, I woke up in the arms of my new husband.  It was our first official day as husband and wife.  Just the day before, we had pledged our faith, love and fidelity to each other.  I never could have foreseen the path that we would journey.  The hurt, lies and betrayal that followed seemed unimaginable that day. 

As I look back at year two, knowing he spent the week of our anniversary flouncing around with a woman who was newly married herself, a marriage I witnessed I might add, breaks my heart.  I remember going to that wedding with him sitting next to me, him telling me how beautiful she looked, and having NO CLUE.  To be hones, it still makes me a bit angry.  He took her with him on trips.  I'm sure they watched movies and laughed and of course, banged it out more times than I care to imagine.

For a few years I lived in that place.  Wondering how he could have done that.  How could I ever make it out the other side.  And when he cheated again, with no seeming care for me or the children, I found myself in a more callous state.  This time, I promised myself, I would not crumble at the pain.  This time I got mad.  This time, he would not make a fool of me.  Turns out, I was able to do that all on my own.

And so, I spent our sixth anniversary, banging it out with a rebound.  I remember coming home that weekend, and he had roses sitting on the table for me.  I CHOSE not to care.  I reminded myself I was done.  He wouldn't change anyway therefore our anniversary had no meaning. 

I continued to cheer myself on, and away from him, for seven months.  Continued to shame him for his indiscretions while carrying on my own sin.  But something happened while I was away.  He began to change.  He continued to fight for me and I continued to hate him.  I now see I continued on the affair to numb my pain of inadequacy.   I was hurting so bad, I pretended casual sex meant something.  That I was worth something, because in reality the enemy had convinced me I was worthless. 

We didn't buy gifts yesterday.  I had a Jesus moment when I realized every day in my present life was the gift I had dreamed of as a little girl.  No flower, jewelry or dinner could be as good as what I have now.  Contentment is the joy of everyday.  Contentment was my gift.

My Other Son

I have a son, who although I didn't birth, I love him just the same.  His name is Damien and although I had a rough time accepting the idea of myself as a Step Mother, I am a better person because he is in my life.

Damien is respectful, kind, easy going and his sister and brothers love him.  He recently stayed with us for almost two weeks and although it was exhausting, we had a great time.  Most days we froze our brains with slushes during happy hour at Sonic, we watched movies until we passed out and spent many hours frolicking at the pool.

 

 

 

Being happy to see Damien is just another place I never thought I would be.  I love that boy. :)

Update 2+ Years in the Making

It's been more than a year since I have visited my blog.  I am in a really great place right now and I think the fear of looking at my past pain has kept me away. 

Here is a quick timeline of the last three years:

• I started Celebrate Recovery to help me heal my wounds and forgive.  I learned a lot and forgave a lot.
• I started attending a Wives group for men who had been unfaithful.  It taught me boundaries and how to protect my heart.
• We started weekly meetings with one of our church pastors.  He seemed disconnected and defiant.
• As a result of learning how to implement boundaries, I wrote out a boundaries plan for our marriage and told my husband he must abide by them or he needed to move out.  It's not something I would suggest except in extreme circumstances, where a spouse is being completely reckless.  He agreed to the boundaries.
• He promptly crossed the boundaries and moved out.
• He bought flowers for his "mother" on Valentine's Day.  Guess what?  They weren't for his mother.
• He cheated again.  It was painful, but not nearly as painful as the time before.
• I retained a lawyer for divorce.
• I rebounded with an affair of my own.  I justified it by telling myself that since I had crossed this line, I wouldn't be able to take him back.  I had convinced myself I was happy and over Mr. B.
• I moved out of our house and moved back home with my parents.  He moved back into our house.  (I didn't want to take care of his dogs that needed that back yard and I couldn't afford the upkeep.  Plus, I had a built in baby sitter so I could go out with the rebound.)
• I drank and slept away my pain.
• He graveled for me to come back (not knowing about the rebound).
• We continued to go to church together because "it was good for the kids".
• One week, after church, I just sat in the pew and cried.  The sermon had been about hypocrisy and boy, had I been convicted.
• A fellow church member saw us and was led to talk to us.  He introduced us to a couple who counseled spouses going through shit like this. 
• I continued to deny having an affair.  I rationalized it by listening to Satan tell me Mr. B would never change.  He never had in the past.  He would change for a while, but it was always a front.
• After months of seeing him suffer, of him not going out, working hard, calling me every night to pray with me and the kids, really seeing Jesus in him, I realized if I were to look for a new man, it would be all the qualities my husband now had.  I decided to dump the rebound and give this marriage a distanced, trial run.
• Boy did I make him work hard for it.  I continued to play innocent victim.
• By February 2012, we were living together again. 
• March 2012, we went to a presentation about infidelity.  I actually made him go, another way of guilt tripping him for what he had done.  While there, the pastor went over the differences between real and fake repentance.  He said that someone who is truly sorry, confesses before being found out.  I was CONVICTED.  I knew I had to tell him.  I knew it was going to suck.  I broke his heart.  He worked for 7 months to win me back and I completely betrayed him.
• Spring 2012 we started Married for Life, a 12 week course learning tools for our marriage.  We were 100% back in. We renewed our vows and in December, had our 4th baby.

Valor Lynn - 12.20.2012
 

 

The hurt and pain I read here breaks my heart.  Our lives are so drastically different now.  As I type the timeline, I wonder how I made such poor decisions.

We are currently in training to teach our own Married for Life class.  We are also helping to plant a new church in Wichita, KS.  We tell our story with sadness, but without shame.  God has redeemed us and we know both our lives and our marriage are a new creation.  Gone are the days of Facebook, locked phones, late nights and selfishness.  We pray and do devotionals together daily.  We spend our free time together.  He is my best friend, my leader and I see Jesus in him every day.  I am beyond humbled to be his wife and to do this work with him.

I didn't think this day was possible, but God promised me a family.  He promised me joy over pain and he delivered ten fold.  Because of His faithfulness and goodness, I will go wherever He asks.

Proverbs 3:5-7

⁵ Trust in the Lord with all your heart;
    do not depend on your own understanding.
⁶ Seek his will in all you do,
    and he will show you which path to take.

New Living Translation (NLT)

When do you say enough is enough?

Is there a time when you know its over? I keep trying and trying, but it's getting worse and not better. I want him to love me, to think of his family first and to be the leader of our household. It breaks my heart to think of our home as a "broken home", but is there a point of no return?

I know I can only control my actions and my reactions, but I am losing patience. There was a point, probably two years ago, when Mr B acted like a married man and husband. He is now spending more and more time at the bar, spending our grocery and gas money there.

He's been home for the last few weeks due to viral meningitis and being on narcotics. He sleeps or Facebooks all day while I work. He doesn't help with the house work or kids. Its all on my shoulders and to tell you the truth, I'm about to break.

Money has been a real stress for me lately, so I set up a budget to get us through the next few months. He sits down with me and agrees to it and two days later is spending cash like that conversation never happened. Last Saturday we actually only had $10 in the bank, which he knew, and he went to the bar and spent $30, leaving me at home with our three children and the baby. What should be my reaction to this?

I'm tired of being the only adult. I'm tired of not having a partner. I'm tired of him not being parent. I'm tired of him of thinking of himself. I'm just tired. It's a lot to bear and I am so weary. The only thing that has gotten me through so far is God. He has promised me something beautiful, I just don't know how much muck I'm gonna have to walk through before I get to walk through the flowers. I do know that Jesus will walk through it with me.

Looking Back

This evening I spent my time reading through my past posts. Wow, was I a sad and broken woman. I'm happy to report that I am and have been living in acceptance for quite some time. Its still difficult when The Other calls, but the worry is gone. Not back to normal, but getting very close.

As to my marriage, the last 6 months or so, its been rocky. We've had fights, I've threatened to leave, we've both been childish. I have issues with how he spends his time and he feels like I have him on a leash. A moment of clarity hit me about a month ago and by "clarity" I mean the Holy Spirit! He said to me, "You need to work on yourself instead of worrying about Mr. B and whatever he's doing. Let me worry about him. I will be your husband until he can is able to be." So, I took off my engagement and wedding ring and replaced it with my grandmother's simple gold band. Ever since that moment, it's as if my eyes have been opened. I see him in a new light and whenever he does something that I would usually get upset about, I just talk to God and remind myself that He is taking care of me and as long as I put my trust in Him, He will take care of the rest.

Also, I have discovered that my way of parenting can be destructive at times. I have found myself yelling and even *gasp* stomping my foot when I catch them blatantly disobeying. As I'm throwing my temper tantrum, I am saying to myself "Hey, calm down. Why are you yelling?" The real turning point happened the other day when Belle was chatting me into oblivion (as 4 year olds do :]) and I really needed a break. I got snippy with her and told her I needed her to be quiet and I needed some time. She went into the other room and told Mr B "Mama doesn't want to hear my voice." Wow, it hit me right then. I should be a reflection of the Lord to her, not making her feel unwanted. I repented and resolved right then that I WOULD be that example. I would show my children love, even when they make poor choices or disobey. I will discipline in love and let them reap the consequences of their decisions, always embrace them in love.

This is not the life I am able to live 100% of the time, but I am surprised by how much of myself I have been able to change just in the last month alone. The freedom I am now experiencing is more than I would have ever thought I could have, even a year ago. Getting through the pain has brought me to a place where I can now start on a fresh path with God, not being defined (in my own eyes) as the jilted wife.

Truths

I am taking a class at church called Celebrate Recovery. In it, we journey through our hurts, hangups an habits in order to find victory in our lives and leave those burdens behind. Here are some of the truths I have discovered.

1. When I mess up, God never yells or guilt trips. He lovingly picks me up and walks me hand-in-hand through the consequence, never leaving my side.
2. I live behind a mask of perfection. Behind this computer is a dirty house with laundry needing to be done. I will never pretend otherwise.
3. To "Give it to God" means to believe in His plan and trust Him enough to live life everyday as a faithful child of God. It doesn't mean the hurt is gone, only that He promises not to waste it.
4. I can't change other's choices or behaviours. Only my reactions to them.
5. Fixating on other's problems is only a clever way to keep from fixing my own.
6. I am responsible TO others adults, but not FOR other adults.
7. Sanity is having the freedom to say God is in control AND believing it.
8. God's plan for me is perfect, yet I live in an imperfect world.
9. God's mercy is renewed every morning, and so should mine.
10. Prayer is powerful.

Our Christmas Pictures Are Up!

We had a our Christmas pictures taken two weeks ago. It was really great to be able to include the baby in our annual tradition. We didn't get a smile out of him, but maybe next year.

It was an unseasonably warm day, so we went to the park. Belle was on a mission to find dandy lions to blow, Raef wouldn't let go of his apple, the baby followed along and Marcus kept having to have his uneven bangs swept to the side. Mr B and I had a nice time letting the kids run free and just holding hands, appreciating our blessings. It was a truly fantastic day.

Go to Blue Rue Studio's 'Access Gallery' and enter code cf6839ee.

I'm Getting A Sister!!!

Well, my younger brother has just proposed to the sweetest girl in California. You can read all about it here.

He put an entire plan together including a plane ride, photographers a ferry and a wooden ring he widdled himself. Where did he get this sentimental side you ask? I have no idea! My dad's idea of a Christmas gift for my mom was letting her buy herself whatever she wanted.

Thinking back on my little brother, I remember his chubby cheeks (not so chubby anymore), our sibling fights and my best friend (until I entered high school of course!) Then he moved away and now I miss him greatly, but hey, I got an awesome new sister out of it, so I guess that makes up for it...oh yeah, and he's incredibly happy...what else could a big sister ask for.

Congratulations Nick and Dani! I can't wait to see your babies! :)

Where Have You Been?

Where in the world have you been...ok, so its been a while. Well, let me tell you what I've been up to.

I started a new business! Yeah! It's called Humble Like This Child (from Matthew 18:4 -Whoever becomes humble like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.)

I make dolls, tutu's and dresses. Kind of my creative outlet. Its been incredibly time consuming but is a great reward. You can see it here. I hope you check it out.

Also, I wanted to let you know that I am hosting a raffle for Mrs R, one of my favorite blogging mommies. She is going through so much, that I ask you to please say a prayer for her. If you want more info on the raffle (where the prize is a custom doll) you can go here.

Also, if you see something you like, here's a 10% off coupon, just for you...just enter "MyBlog" in your cart. :)

I have also been working on my spiritual journey. Remember when I asked "How do you give the hard days to God?" Well, I think I figured it out. It's not about giving Him the pain so that I no longer have pain. It's about KNOWING that He has a plan for my pain. "...but he said to me, My grace is sufficient for you, for power is made perfect in weakness."

So that's what I've been up to? How bout you?

Mrs B - The Undercover Investigator

Ok, maybe not...but I like to pretend. But I am the new Conservative voice for Kansas City! Yeah! I have been hired on by Examiner.com to write about conservative happenings in the metro.

Check it out here. Let me know what you think and if you have any good ideas for stories, I would love to here about them.

If you are interested in writing on Examiner.com yourself (you do get paid!). Sign up here and mention my ID code (13316)...I read a lot of your blogs and you all are such fantastic writers! You can have a column on just about anything! My heart lies in politics....boring, boring, but I love it!

So go take a look and if you must, click on an add...just kidding! :)

Are You Sitting Down?

Mr B called me Saturday on his home with the baby, waking me up. "She had me come in saying she needed to talk to me." He says.

My heart starts racing...what could it be? Was she going to try and take the baby away? Was she deciding that we could have him? Was she moving to another country? Let me tell you, the next words out of Mr B's mouth were no where in my top million ideas of what she wanted to talk about. "She told me she's a lesbian."

What?!? A lesbian. She couldn't have figured that out three years ago, BEFORE she slept with my husband?

So what now? We already have to explain the baby to our kids, but now his mommy likes other girls. Could my life be any more bizarre?

Here's the kicker...I'm kinda relieved. Like she's not competition anymore. Does that even make sense? I don't think Mr B would make that mistake again, but it's almost like I can see her differently now.

So Mr B and I actually had the conversation of whether she was the "girl" or the "boy". Sad thing is, we don't know...

I sit here writing about her for the first time without crying. It's a weird sensation. No anger, no rage, no betrayal. It seems strange to think that such "out-there" news got me over the hump. Just goes to show, who knows what can happen in a day.

Marcus' Photo Shoot

Took these pics yesterday for Marcus' birthday invitation. Of course you all are invited...

I'm back...

...and H1n1 free!

We had a great time! By the time we left, there were literally 20 people at the hotel (this hotel has over 350 rooms)...so a beautiful beach all to ourselves. Even the plane trip was beautiful.

I even talked Mr B into going kayaking with me. It was a blast!

We rented a car one day and drove down to Akumal to have a burger at Lol-Ha. Seriously, the best burger I have ever had...so yummy. And not too bad of a view either!

We stayed at a hotel on Maroma Beach...beautiful sand, perfect waves and the most gorgeous blue. We frolicked a bit in it.

Since there were so few people there, the staff became VERY bored and decided Mr B needed to be buried in the sand. Then it was decided that I needed to be buried in the sand too. Mr B is Pamela and I am the Hoff...

On Cinco De Mayo (which the Mexican people don't celebrate except in Mexico City) we headed to a gringo bar in Playa del Carmen called the Luna Blue. We had a great time there listening to music and having Margaritas...ok, I watched Mr B have Margaritas. :)

I also made a new friend while in Playa...ok, maybe his friendship cost me 10 pesos, but it was totally worth it!

With so few guests in the hotel, they closed the dinner buffet and only had the al-a-carts available. Fine with us! But, I didn't bring enough dresses, so this one had to be recycled...

The staff was fantastic and I miss them already. Can't wait to go back!

The best part? When we got home, Mr B's work called and told him to stay home for two days. They were quarantining him due to the H1N1 virus. How funny is that? The virus was 1200 miles away from us in Mexico, but only a few miles away from the KC metro area. Oh well, two more days to relax!

We're on our way. Leaving tomorrow morning at 7 AM...already exhausted. I have been researching, researching, researching, (swine flu craze) and have not updated myself on blogs...so sorry. I promise I will when I get back. Also, I will be finishing up the rest of my book of prayers for my hubby. Ok, I am getting the eye from Mr B...gotta go, but I'll leave you with the following picture. This is how I found my baby the other day when I let him "play" with his older siblings...

Miss Me...

Cause I missed you!

It's been too long. Actually, I can't take all the blame. My internet has been in and out and when it's "in" I am trying to get work done! Ok, and maybe a little Craigs List.

I miss my friends...my bloggy friends and today was the day I was going to get back on track. That was until the swine flu hit. We are supposed to be leaving next Monday, but I am afraid they are going to close the borders. Either before we go or while we're down there. Doesn't matter. Mr B says we're going no matter what, but I am checking out other spots in case they do...Jamaica anyone?

The Other has been a real pain lately. She seemed receptive on giving us more time until she had time to think it over. She now says no. Refuses to go to mediation, although the mediator told Mr B that if she wouldn't go, we would have to go to court and the judge would then make us go to mediation and she would have to pay for it (otherwise it's free).

She also showed up at the door wearing a skimpy, tight, dare I say "hoochy" outfit. I nearly slammed the door in her face. Ugh!

Guess what? I've lost 20 lbs! Woohoo! Just a few more left and maybe a little 'back fat' if you will. :)

So, how you all doing? I promise to try and catch up tomorrow. As long as my internet comes up.

Love and kisses to you all!

Big Changes

I work from home. At the end of last year, my hours were cut down to 5/week. After depleting our savings, we had to sell our second vehicle. No big deal, except on Saturdays. Every Saturday morning, we have to make arrangements for Mr B's parents (who live 45 minutes away) to meet us at the other's house to pick up the baby, so we will have enough car seats (4 total).

This past Saturday, we went to pick up the baby. The Other informed Mr B that if he wanted, he could keep him late. Red flag anyone? Mr B said ok and we proceeded to get into the car. As we drove off, I said "You know she won't pick him up at all, right? She's going to say you agreed to keep him and make you look irresponsible." Mr B shot me an irritated look and said that he would confirm with her what time she would pick him up. We headed over to his parents house and when we got there, he texts her and asked her to be there at 6 (usual pick up time is 5) and she agreed.

Later that evening (around 5:30) Mr B receives a text saying that she loaned her car to her cousin and he would need to drive 45 minutes (in the opposite direction of our house) to drop him off. Mr B texts back saying "Why would you be so irresponsible as to loan your car out when you knew you had to pick up your son? You need to find a way to get here." She replies back that our lawyer said that she didn't have a car and we would be willing to do the pick ups and drop offs. Why won't he help her out? Just a note - after our judge made that comment, she adamantly pleaded saying she did have a car and would be able to make the drop offs. Mr B says that the court order says they have a joint responsibility and one is to pick up and one is to drop off. He then asks her "Are you going to break that order?" She replies she is on her way.
When she shows up in her car she has brought with her all her friends who are seemingly dressed to go clubbing. Surprise, surprise right? Mr B makes sure there is no alcohol on her breath and that he has a car seat. Last time she had a family member hold him in her lap. I was beyond livid.

The next morning, Mr B goes to pick him up (we borrowed his parents car and returned it after church when we went there for Easter) and she gave him a hard time about him wanting a diaper bag. Can you imagine a mother not wanting to send her son out with his essentials? Mr B and I pay for those...its not even like we are asking her to pay for it. Anyway, he tells her again, it is in the court agreement...are you going to break it? About this time, a unidentified twenty something guy walks in...looking like he just woke up.

Mr B brings the baby to church where we work the nursery. The baby is in the nursery room with us and another adult. He doesn't want to play, in fact he cries to any adult who comes in the room. He wants to be picked up by anyone. The kids seemed scary to him, even though we never left the room.

After she came and picked him up, Mr B and I were just heart broken. I hate sending him back to her and after this weekend, I just feel more and more sick that he is there. He doesn't talk, doesn't play, doesn't smile, and doesn't understand kisses. We had a long discussion about it and have agreed that the best thing for him would be to be at our house as much as possible. We are hoping that if we "offer" to make things easier on her and take him during the week, she will go for it.

So I am asking that you please pray for us. That this situation is dealt with swiftly and the baby makes a good adjustment. That all issues and details surrounding bringing this child home would be figured out quickly.

I think for the first time, I can say with all honesty that I have real love for this little boy. My heart is breaking just thinking about him. I wish he was here.

Growing Leaps & Bounds With Marcus

I walked in to check on Marcus today and found him sitting up. This is a recent milestone that I quite enjoy, however, I had never seen him successfully do it in his crib. Guess we're gonna have to lower his mattress tonight. Sorry about the poor quality. I recorded the videos on my phone.

He still can't crawl, but he's getting awfully close don't you think?

Later on in the day, I took the kids down to the park. Marcus has never enjoyed swinging, but today, he really seemed to like it...you might turn down the volume...I use my high pitch/mama voice. I apologize in advance.

Did you notice in both videos that he has discovered his tongue? It's really funny when you go in for a kiss and you are assaulted by that thing! :)