Random Thoughts Of The Essential & Inconsequential

When do you say enough is enough?

2010-10-14T20:41:00.003-05:00

Is there a time when you know its over? I keep trying and trying, but it's getting worse and not better. I want him to love me, to think of his family first and to be the leader of our household. It breaks my heart to think of our home as a "broken home", but is there a point of no return?

I know I can only control my actions and my reactions, but I am losing patience. There was a point, probably two years ago, when Mr B acted like a married man and husband. He is now spending more and more time at the bar, spending our grocery and gas money there.

He's been home for the last few weeks due to viral meningitis and being on narcotics. He sleeps or Facebooks all day while I work. He doesn't help with the house work or kids. Its all on my shoulders and to tell you the truth, I'm about to break.

Money has been a real stress for me lately, so I set up a budget to get us through the next few months. He sits down with me and agrees to it and two days later is spending cash like that conversation never happened. Last Saturday we actually only had $10 in the bank, which he knew, and he went to the bar and spent $30, leaving me at home with our three children and the baby. What should be my reaction to this?

I'm tired of being the only adult. I'm tired of not having a partner. I'm tired of him not being parent. I'm tired of him of thinking of himself. I'm just tired. It's a lot to bear and I am so weary. The only thing that has gotten me through so far is God. He has promised me something beautiful, I just don't know how much muck I'm gonna have to walk through before I get to walk through the flowers. I do know that Jesus will walk through it with me.

Looking Back

2010-10-08T01:11:00.002-05:00

This evening I spent my time reading through my past posts. Wow, was I a sad and broken woman. I'm happy to report that I am and have been living in acceptance for quite some time. Its still difficult when The Other calls, but the worry is gone. Not back to normal, but getting very close.

As to my marriage, the last 6 months or so, its been rocky. We've had fights, I've threatened to leave, we've both been childish. I have issues with how he spends his time and he feels like I have him on a leash. A moment of clarity hit me about a month ago and by "clarity" I mean the Holy Spirit! He said to me, "You need to work on yourself instead of worrying about Mr. B and whatever he's doing. Let me worry about him. I will be your husband until he can is able to be." So, I took off my engagement and wedding ring and replaced it with my grandmother's simple gold band. Ever since that moment, it's as if my eyes have been opened. I see him in a new light and whenever he does something that I would usually get upset about, I just talk to God and remind myself that He is taking care of me and as long as I put my trust in Him, He will take care of the rest.

Also, I have discovered that my way of parenting can be destructive at times. I have found myself yelling and even *gasp* stomping my foot when I catch them blatantly disobeying. As I'm throwing my temper tantrum, I am saying to myself "Hey, calm down. Why are you yelling?" The real turning point happened the other day when Belle was chatting me into oblivion (as 4 year olds do :]) and I really needed a break. I got snippy with her and told her I needed her to be quiet and I needed some time. She went into the other room and told Mr B "Mama doesn't want to hear my voice." Wow, it hit me right then. I should be a reflection of the Lord to her, not making her feel unwanted. I repented and resolved right then that I WOULD be that example. I would show my children love, even when they make poor choices or disobey. I will discipline in love and let them reap the consequences of their decisions, always embrace them in love.

This is not the life I am able to live 100% of the time, but I am surprised by how much of myself I have been able to change just in the last month alone. The freedom I am now experiencing is more than I would have ever thought I could have, even a year ago. Getting through the pain has brought me to a place where I can now start on a fresh path with God, not being defined (in my own eyes) as the jilted wife.

Truths

2010-10-06T23:08:00.002-05:00

I am taking a class at church called Celebrate Recovery. In it, we journey through our hurts, hangups an habits in order to find victory in our lives and leave those burdens behind. Here are some of the truths I have discovered.

When I mess up, God never yells or guilt trips. He lovingly picks me up and walks me hand-in-hand through the consequence, never leaving my side.
I live behind a mask of perfection. Behind this computer is a dirty house with laundry needing to be done. I will never pretend otherwise.
To "Give it to God" means to believe in His plan and trust Him enough to live life everyday as a faithful child of God. It doesn't mean the hurt is gone, only that He promises not to waste it.
I can't change other's choices or behaviours. Only my reactions to them.
Fixating on other's problems is only a clever way to keep from fixing my own.
I am responsible TO others adults, but not FOR other adults.
Sanity is having the freedom to say God is in control AND believing it.
God's plan for me is perfect, yet I live in an imperfect world.
God's mercy is renewed every morning, and so should mine.
Prayer is powerful.

Our Christmas Pictures Are Up!

2009-11-20T09:50:00.002-06:00

We had a our Christmas pictures taken two weeks ago. It was really great to be able to include the baby in our annual tradition. We didn't get a smile out of him, but maybe next year.

It was an unseasonably warm day, so we went to the park. Belle was on a mission to find dandy lions to blow, Raef wouldn't let go of his apple, the baby followed along and Marcus kept having to have his uneven bangs swept to the side. Mr B and I had a nice time letting the kids run free and just holding hands, appreciating our blessings. It was a truly fantastic day.

Go to Blue Rue Studio's 'Access Gallery' and enter code cf6839ee.

I'm Getting A Sister!!!

2009-11-11T23:48:00.002-06:00

Well, my younger brother has just proposed to the sweetest girl in California. You can read all about it here.

He put an entire plan together including a plane ride, photographers a ferry and a wooden ring he widdled himself. Where did he get this sentimental side you ask? I have no idea! My dad's idea of a Christmas gift for my mom was letting her buy herself whatever she wanted.

Thinking back on my little brother, I remember his chubby cheeks (not so chubby anymore), our sibling fights and my best friend (until I entered high school of course!) Then he moved away and now I miss him greatly, but hey, I got an awesome new sister out of it, so I guess that makes up for it...oh yeah, and he's incredibly happy...what else could a big sister ask for.

Congratulations Nick and Dani! I can't wait to see your babies! :)

Where Have You Been?

2009-09-14T12:08:00.002-05:00

Where in the world have you been...ok, so its been a while. Well, let me tell you what I've been up to.

I started a new business! Yeah! It's called Humble Like This Child (from Matthew 18:4 -Whoever becomes humble like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.)

I make dolls, tutu's and dresses. Kind of my creative outlet. Its been incredibly time consuming but is a great reward. You can see it here. I hope you check it out.

Also, I wanted to let you know that I am hosting a raffle for Mrs R, one of my favorite blogging mommies. She is going through so much, that I ask you to please say a prayer for her. If you want more info on the raffle (where the prize is a custom doll) you can go here.

Also, if you see something you like, here's a 10% off coupon, just for you...just enter "MyBlog" in your cart. :)

I have also been working on my spiritual journey. Remember when I asked "How do you give the hard days to God?" Well, I think I figured it out. It's not about giving Him the pain so that I no longer have pain. It's about KNOWING that He has a plan for my pain. "...but he said to me, My grace is sufficient for you, for power is made perfect in weakness."

So that's what I've been up to? How bout you?

Mrs B - The Undercover Investigator

2009-06-09T13:14:00.002-05:00

Ok, maybe not...but I like to pretend. But I am the new Conservative voice for Kansas City! Yeah! I have been hired on by Examiner.com to write about conservative happenings in the metro.

Check it out here. Let me know what you think and if you have any good ideas for stories, I would love to here about them.

If you are interested in writing on Examiner.com yourself (you do get paid!). Sign up here and mention my ID code (13316)...I read a lot of your blogs and you all are such fantastic writers! You can have a column on just about anything! My heart lies in politics....boring, boring, but I love it!

So go take a look and if you must, click on an add...just kidding! :)

Are You Sitting Down?

2009-06-02T17:29:00.002-05:00

Mr B called me Saturday on his home with the baby, waking me up. "She had me come in saying she needed to talk to me." He says.

My heart starts racing...what could it be? Was she going to try and take the baby away? Was she deciding that we could have him? Was she moving to another country? Let me tell you, the next words out of Mr B's mouth were no where in my top million ideas of what she wanted to talk about. "She told me she's a lesbian."

What?!? A lesbian. She couldn't have figured that out three years ago, BEFORE she slept with my husband?

So what now? We already have to explain the baby to our kids, but now his mommy likes other girls. Could my life be any more bizarre?

Here's the kicker...I'm kinda relieved. Like she's not competition anymore. Does that even make sense? I don't think Mr B would make that mistake again, but it's almost like I can see her differently now.

So Mr B and I actually had the conversation of whether she was the "girl" or the "boy". Sad thing is, we don't know...

I sit here writing about her for the first time without crying. It's a weird sensation. No anger, no rage, no betrayal. It seems strange to think that such "out-there" news got me over the hump. Just goes to show, who knows what can happen in a day.

Marcus' Photo Shoot

2009-05-19T21:40:00.005-05:00

Took these pics yesterday for Marcus' birthday invitation. Of course you all are invited...

I'm back...

2009-05-14T11:50:00.015-05:00

...and H1n1 free!

We had a great time! By the time we left, there were literally 20 people at the hotel (this hotel has over 350 rooms)...so a beautiful beach all to ourselves. Even the plane trip was beautiful.

I even talked Mr B into going kayaking with me. It was a blast!

We rented a car one day and drove down to Akumal to have a burger at Lol-Ha. Seriously, the best burger I have ever had...so yummy. And not too bad of a view either!

We stayed at a hotel on Maroma Beach...beautiful sand, perfect waves and the most gorgeous blue. We frolicked a bit in it.

Since there were so few people there, the staff became VERY bored and decided Mr B needed to be buried in the sand. Then it was decided that I needed to be buried in the sand too. Mr B is Pamela and I am the Hoff...

On Cinco De Mayo (which the Mexican people don't celebrate except in Mexico City) we headed to a gringo bar in Playa del Carmen called the Luna Blue. We had a great time there listening to music and having Margaritas...ok, I watched Mr B have Margaritas. :)

I also made a new friend while in Playa...ok, maybe his friendship cost me 10 pesos, but it was totally worth it!

With so few guests in the hotel, they closed the dinner buffet and only had the al-a-carts available. Fine with us! But, I didn't bring enough dresses, so this one had to be recycled...

The staff was fantastic and I miss them already. Can't wait to go back!

The best part? When we got home, Mr B's work called and told him to stay home for two days. They were quarantining him due to the H1N1 virus. How funny is that? The virus was 1200 miles away from us in Mexico, but only a few miles away from the KC metro area. Oh well, two more days to relax!

2009-05-02T22:40:00.001-05:00

We're on our way. Leaving tomorrow morning at 7 AM...already exhausted. I have been researching, researching, researching, (swine flu craze) and have not updated myself on blogs...so sorry. I promise I will when I get back. Also, I will be finishing up the rest of my book of prayers for my hubby. Ok, I am getting the eye from Mr B...gotta go, but I'll leave you with the following picture. This is how I found my baby the other day when I let him "play" with his older siblings...

Miss Me...

2009-04-27T19:49:00.002-05:00

Cause I missed you!

It's been too long. Actually, I can't take all the blame. My internet has been in and out and when it's "in" I am trying to get work done! Ok, and maybe a little Craigs List.

I miss my friends...my bloggy friends and today was the day I was going to get back on track. That was until the swine flu hit. We are supposed to be leaving next Monday, but I am afraid they are going to close the borders. Either before we go or while we're down there. Doesn't matter. Mr B says we're going no matter what, but I am checking out other spots in case they do...Jamaica anyone?

The Other has been a real pain lately. She seemed receptive on giving us more time until she had time to think it over. She now says no. Refuses to go to mediation, although the mediator told Mr B that if she wouldn't go, we would have to go to court and the judge would then make us go to mediation and she would have to pay for it (otherwise it's free).

She also showed up at the door wearing a skimpy, tight, dare I say "hoochy" outfit. I nearly slammed the door in her face. Ugh!

Guess what? I've lost 20 lbs! Woohoo! Just a few more left and maybe a little 'back fat' if you will. :)

So, how you all doing? I promise to try and catch up tomorrow. As long as my internet comes up.

Love and kisses to you all!

Big Changes

2009-04-13T10:38:00.002-05:00

I work from home. At the end of last year, my hours were cut down to 5/week. After depleting our savings, we had to sell our second vehicle. No big deal, except on Saturdays. Every Saturday morning, we have to make arrangements for Mr B's parents (who live 45 minutes away) to meet us at the other's house to pick up the baby, so we will have enough car seats (4 total).

This past Saturday, we went to pick up the baby. The Other informed Mr B that if he wanted, he could keep him late. Red flag anyone? Mr B said ok and we proceeded to get into the car. As we drove off, I said "You know she won't pick him up at all, right? She's going to say you agreed to keep him and make you look irresponsible." Mr B shot me an irritated look and said that he would confirm with her what time she would pick him up. We headed over to his parents house and when we got there, he texts her and asked her to be there at 6 (usual pick up time is 5) and she agreed.

Later that evening (around 5:30) Mr B receives a text saying that she loaned her car to her cousin and he would need to drive 45 minutes (in the opposite direction of our house) to drop him off. Mr B texts back saying "Why would you be so irresponsible as to loan your car out when you knew you had to pick up your son? You need to find a way to get here." She replies back that our lawyer said that she didn't have a car and we would be willing to do the pick ups and drop offs. Why won't he help her out? Just a note - after our judge made that comment, she adamantly pleaded saying she did have a car and would be able to make the drop offs. Mr B says that the court order says they have a joint responsibility and one is to pick up and one is to drop off. He then asks her "Are you going to break that order?" She replies she is on her way.
When she shows up in her car she has brought with her all her friends who are seemingly dressed to go clubbing. Surprise, surprise right? Mr B makes sure there is no alcohol on her breath and that he has a car seat. Last time she had a family member hold him in her lap. I was beyond livid.

The next morning, Mr B goes to pick him up (we borrowed his parents car and returned it after church when we went there for Easter) and she gave him a hard time about him wanting a diaper bag. Can you imagine a mother not wanting to send her son out with his essentials? Mr B and I pay for those...its not even like we are asking her to pay for it. Anyway, he tells her again, it is in the court agreement...are you going to break it? About this time, a unidentified twenty something guy walks in...looking like he just woke up.

Mr B brings the baby to church where we work the nursery. The baby is in the nursery room with us and another adult. He doesn't want to play, in fact he cries to any adult who comes in the room. He wants to be picked up by anyone. The kids seemed scary to him, even though we never left the room.

After she came and picked him up, Mr B and I were just heart broken. I hate sending him back to her and after this weekend, I just feel more and more sick that he is there. He doesn't talk, doesn't play, doesn't smile, and doesn't understand kisses. We had a long discussion about it and have agreed that the best thing for him would be to be at our house as much as possible. We are hoping that if we "offer" to make things easier on her and take him during the week, she will go for it.

So I am asking that you please pray for us. That this situation is dealt with swiftly and the baby makes a good adjustment. That all issues and details surrounding bringing this child home would be figured out quickly.

I think for the first time, I can say with all honesty that I have real love for this little boy. My heart is breaking just thinking about him. I wish he was here.

Growing Leaps & Bounds With Marcus

2009-04-08T17:53:00.003-05:00

I walked in to check on Marcus today and found him sitting up. This is a recent milestone that I quite enjoy, however, I had never seen him successfully do it in his crib. Guess we're gonna have to lower his mattress tonight. Sorry about the poor quality. I recorded the videos on my phone.

He still can't crawl, but he's getting awfully close don't you think?

Later on in the day, I took the kids down to the park. Marcus has never enjoyed swinging, but today, he really seemed to like it...you might turn down the volume...I use my high pitch/mama voice. I apologize in advance.

Did you notice in both videos that he has discovered his tongue? It's really funny when you go in for a kiss and you are assaulted by that thing! :)

Britney Spears

2009-04-03T12:29:00.011-05:00

Mrs M and I went out last night to see Britney Spears preform. Notice I said preform rather than sing. She was definitely preforming. We had a great time. Mrs M got us amazing seats in row 7...

Brit Brit did a great job and looked fantastic. She was a little thick-and by that I mean she has a butt and boobs-, but to tell you the truth, I prefer her that way. No space between her inner thighs, a little cellulite, but definitely healthy and strong. See for yourself.

Edit: Some people are offended by the word "thick". I am only meaning to say that she didn't look like she was starving herself and she had great curves in all the right places. The word wasn't meant to be in anyway derogatory. Again, I think she looks amazing. I would also say that Marilyn Monroe was thick and Kim Kardashian is thick. Both beautiful and both curvy. I hope that makes sense.

I was assuming that there would be lots of tweens, but I saw very few under the age of 18. Actually, the lady who sat next to me and screamed like a 13 year old girl was 30 from Illinois. Makes me look sane! :)

Crockpot Throwdown!

2009-04-01T11:51:00.002-05:00

This months challenge is crockpot. I LOVE this recipe and so does my husband and even my kids ask for THIRDS!!! If you don't like salty, I would cut the ranch dressing mix in half.

1 beef roast, any kind (2-3.5 lbs)
1 (1 1/4 ounce) package brown gravy mix, dry
1 (1 1/4 ounce) package dried Italian salad dressing mix
1 (1 1/4 ounce) package ranch dressing mix, dry
1/2 cup water

Place beef roast in crock pot.
Mix the dried mixes together in a bowl and sprinkle over the roast.
Pour the water around the roast.
Cook on low for 7-9 hours.

If you want, you can even throw in cut up potatoes and carrots during the last two hours. The juices make an amazing gravy over mashed potatoes. I know the recipe sounds a little strange, but it is SOOOO good.

Now It's His Turn

2009-03-31T20:45:00.002-05:00

Mr B woke up this morning visibly upset. It followed him through his morning routine until I asked what was wrong. "I dreamt you cheated on me."

So I guess Satan has turned his attention but has not changed his strategy. He is so clever. I think I am more upset that Mr B is upset than I was with the dreams myself. Tricky, very tricky. But alas, he will not pull us apart. We are dedicated and determined, even through the tough stuff.

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish it's work so that you may be mature, and complete, not lacking anything." - James 1:2-4.

To tell you the truth, I think we are a better couple when we are going through trials together. It is making us stronger as a couple and we rely more on God. So I am stepping forward and considering all of Satan's ill fated plans, pure joy!

Nightmares

2009-03-28T23:00:00.003-05:00

So last night I had a really awful nightmare. I dreamt that the lady my husband had the six week affair with (not the other) called his phone. I answered it and told her that he didn't want anything to do with her. He was in love with me and we were making our family work. We screamed back and forth at each other and then she tells me that she has had his baby. A little girl.

I broke down, lost my mind. Have you ever woken up devastated? In my dream, I decided I couldn't do it again and I was leaving. Taking my kids away from their father because I didn't have the strength to live with another child that wasn't mine. To deal with another woman who had been most intimate with my husband. The pain was unbearable.

So why am I writing about this? Because it hasn't left me. I think about that dream and it takes me back to that place of hopelessness. But you know what? I know it's Satan. I know that he is a master at what he does. He knows my deepest fears and the best way to prey on them.

So I am lifting my head up and crying out to God. He has to be the one to protect me from Satan. I am learning that. I can't do that on my own and I have to stop thinking I can. My significance is only because I am made in the image of Him. He is my rock, but sometimes, I think I trip over it instead of standing on it. Working on it... :)

His Attitude ~ Chapter 20

2009-03-27T19:18:00.002-05:00

1. Does your husband frequently have a bad attitude or is he usually even-tempered and cheerful? Explain. Without his meds, my husband is a different person. He lives in a place full of sorrow and hopelessness for seemingly no reason. When he is on his meds, I could be around him all the time. His smiles are endless and his laughter is musical. He is mostly always on his meds and tried to always have a good attitude.

2. Do events of the day affect your husband's attitude, or is he able to rise above them and cast his cares on the Lord with ease? Explain. If it's about work, its hard for him to let go, but eventually he does. I believe it's just his human side showing through. The more he relies on God, the more work he sees Him doing, the easier it is for him to let go next time.

3. Do you react to negativity in your husband? How so? Do you immediately go to the Lord in prayer about it? How could you respond more positively?????? Especially now, yes. With my diet comes grouchiness, which has nothing to do with him and everything to do with my own lack of patience. I am really working on "slow to anger", but its a tough one for me.

4. Has your husband's attitude affected you as a person? How so? Have negative attitudes been brought in you as a result of his reactions? Explain. In the past with the affair, yes. But now, his giving attitude has really been shining through and it is helping to make me a better person. I am a better person because of him.

5. Has your husband's attitude affected your marriage in a negative way or a positive way? Explain. How could you pray about that? Like I said before, once he decide to get back on his meds (after the affair) it was the best part of our marriage. It's like we have two haves of our marriage. Before and during the affair was hell on earth and I suffered alone while trying to take care of our children and then now...I LOVE our marriage and I am deeply in love with him.

6. Read 1 Corinthians 13:2 Does your husband have a full knowledge of the love of God? Do you feel he has truly experienced God's love in his life? Have you? Explain. How could you pray about that? For his family, he does. As for others including those who give him strife, he doesn't (but how many of us do?). I can see that he is working on it. Sometimes I remind him to be compassionate. I do see him growing.

7. Read Proverbs15:13 In light of this Scripture, how could you pray for your husband's attitude? I can pray for him to not let sorrow dwell in his heart. I think though, that this is a problem more for me. Sometimes, I tend to dwell in the past and that is a place of hurt, not of hope. I need to be snapping out of those spells faster than I am because all it is is damaging to me and our relationship.

9. Read Matthew 12:35 Do you see good things or bad things come out of your husband's attitude? How can you use this Scripture to pray over your husband? I can pray that he is able to see the good and bring forth the good in all situations. I only want good for him. His successes are my successes.

Sick Kiddos

2009-03-26T17:35:00.002-05:00

So, let me confess...I am neglecting my cherished blog. The blog police should come over and take it away from me, giving it to a REAL family. One that would cherish it, conversate with it, and keep it thriving. I love my blog, I really do, but I am addicted to Craigs List. Its a problem people. If you really want to see what I've been up to, go here and you can see all my posts listed under "Gods Country". Warning - If you want to legalize pot or would march on Washington for the right to "choose" and you like me, don't go there...I warned you.

Anyway, we have been sick over here. The boys are having breathing treatments and even now as I type, I am holding my poor Raef in my lap with a 102 temperature. We just can't get well over here. It doesn't help that last Saturday we were wearing shorts and this Saturday its supposed to snow. Yuck! I hate snow.

No more word on the job, which is ok with me. Mr B is having a rough time at work. No backup and no help. He's getting weary and so are my knees. I know God's plan is the best, but we are seeing a lot of Satan lately. I am glad at least that God has given us the ability to know its the Devil. That helps tremendously.

I don't know if I told you last time, but I have lost 11 pounds! I actually fit in a size medium swim suit bottom at Victoria's Secret. Did you know they have Miracle Bra swim suits? Helps girls like me who are very Pear shaped. I just want to even things up, you know? Still have that gosh darn cellulite. Blast it! If I had the "g's" I would go have it all smoothed out. They can do that right? Well, I am sure I could find someone who would try...maybe in a strip mall in Brazil...

My jackets came in from Tracy Porter. They are really cute. I am going to wear the opera jacket to the Britney Spears concert next Thursday. Is it funny I am going to see her lip synch? Is it even funnier that I spent a LOT of money on the ticket? No, its not funny, its sad. So I am going to get the most out of it. Wear some Abercrombie, make an "I love Brit Brit" shirt nd scream like a 14 year old girl! It's going to be the best...Is it sad that I am really excited?

Ok, I must go...I promise to write more often. God bless you all!

I'm Alive!

2009-03-16T22:18:00.002-05:00

Thank you all who emailed me concerned. Yes, I am alive. We have been so busy over here. We are looking into swapping houses, so that is keeping us on our toes.

I can't remember if I said anything, but I was interviewing for a job. The interview went really well, but I never heard back from them and that's ok with me. I told God to take it away from me if I wasn't supposed to have it.

The kids met the other this weekend. I had them call her "Miss Other" and they were very sweet. It was a hard moment for me, but I was proud of them. We have also been asked to watch the baby for 5 days. I am not sure how I feel about it, so I am praying. Hopefully I will gladly take it on, but the anxiety is there.

March madness has begun and the craziness ensues. We (and by "we" I mean Mr B) is consumed by all things KU. If you don't watch basketball, they won the entire tournament last year, so there are high hopes this year. Can't wait til April.

My dad lost his job last week. A job he loves. He's crushed. They replaced him with two people...does that make sense to anyone else? He's sad...if you could say a little prayer, it would be truly appreciated.

I have been neglecting my blog...dare I say, giving my attention to another? That darn Craig is always pulling me away. I find myself checking the politics section on my Blackberry. Kind of a mental release being able to talk to adults and ~~argue~~ discuss relevant news. I find it quite liberating. I went out on Saturday night with Mr B and some friends and I found myself sober (as usual) and talking Fair Tax with our drunk friend Dan. I convinced him to go to a rally with me. I'm sure he'll remember when I call him up and make him stick to his promise. :)

So that's all...now to get caught up on everyone else.

Imagine The Potential

2009-03-09T22:21:00.003-05:00

So What's Been Going On?

2009-03-04T13:28:00.002-06:00

Here's the skinny...

Saturday - The baby came to the house and it went well. I was trying to get him to smile (never succeeded) so I taught him how to jump off the stairs into my arms. He wanted to do it again and again, so I know he was having fun. He may have also called me 'Ma-ma' but I'm not sure. Mr B gave him a hair cut and then the other came over to pick him up. Mr B let her in the house and I came out and said hello...with a smile. So that's a big step for me. There must be a lot of you out there praying for me because this weekend brought very little anxiety...

Mr B is being threatened at work...with a gun...for his life. Yeah, that's pretty scary. He fired two employees (high seniority, union employees) for threatening other employees and now it's going around that they have a gun with his name on it. They are unstable which makes it even more terrifying. I had pastor pray for us after church. That helped my panic.

Mr B and I are going to Mexico for a week in May! We should have paid off a credit card, but I think it was either Mexico or therapy...I choose Mexico. Plus we got a great and I mean great deal. If anyone wants to come along, shoot me an email :).

I am being interviewed for a job in Miami. I will get to work from home, but may have to go down there once a month for three to four days. I don't know if I like that, so I am asking God to help me with this decision. We cold certainly use the money, but with the healing from the affair and my kids being so little, I don't know if it's a good idea to be away.

I've lost seven pounds! I am in search for a bikini...maybe to keep my motivation up or maybe because I left my old one at a hotel last year. Stinks cause I really liked that suit, but I never need a reason to shop.

That's all I can think of at this time. Have a great day!

2009-03-04T12:43:00.003-06:00

Here's my recipe for the Showdown:

Chicken Enchilada Casserole

Ingredients
3-4 chicken breasts (or 6 Halves)
1 (10 ounce) can cream of mushroom soup
1 (10 ounce) can cream of chicken soup
1 (8 ounce) can diced green chilies (hot or mild, or a small can of each)
1 (10 ounce) package cheddar cheese grated
1 small onion, diced
1 tablespoon oregano
1 tablespoon garlic poweder
1 teaspoon salt
12 corn tortillas or flour tortillas (I tear them up for easier serving)
16 ounces sour cream

optional: 1 Chipolte with sauce, diced

Directions
1. Place Chicken in large saucepan and cover with water.
2. Sprinkle in oregano, add garlic powder and salt.
3. Boil about 20 minutes and shred from bones.
4. Save broth.
5. Mix soups, sour cream, onion & chiles in large pan (and chipolte if desired).
6. Add only enough broth to slightly thin.
7. Re-season as needed.
8. Simmer on low 15 minutes.
9. Add chicken.
10. In casserole dish, arrange 6 Tortillas flat across bottom, spoon in 1/2 the sauce, sprinkle 1/2 the cheese.
11. Repeat- Tortillas, sauce and cheese.
12. Bake in 350 degree oven for 20 minutes.

Seven Months

2009-03-04T12:21:00.003-06:00

Marcus

Raef

Belle

Two Things You Never Talk About

2009-03-03T11:30:00.004-06:00

Well today, I am talking about one because the more I find out about it, the angrier I get.

I want to start out by saying I didn't vote for Obama. I did vote for McCain, but was extremely unhappy about it. I am not a republican, but a conservative. I believe in personal responsibility and as a Christian I believe that you must love your neighbor as yourself.

Did you know Congress just gave themselves an extra $93,000 for petty cash EACH?!? Did you know Congress just got an automatic raise? They each make $174,000/ year for a three day work week?

So onto this stimulus bill, again, nonpartisan because I didn't like it when Bush did it either, but the more I learn, the more heated I become. So here are a few facts:

Did you know the stimulus bill will only put 3% of the total cost into the economy this year? How does 3% stimulate an economy?*
Did you know the stimulus bill has set aside $1 billion for Amtrak? This is a federal railroad that hasn't turned a profit in 40 years.*
Did you know the stimulus bill gives ACORN, which is under investigation in more than a dozen states, $4.9 billion in this bill?*

Do you know how much 787 billion is? If you counted 1 second for every $1, it would take you 31 years, 251 days, 7 hours, 46 minutes, and 39 seconds to count to ONE billion. Now multiply that by 787. It would take over 25,000 years. So here we are, borrowing this money to "stimulate" the economy, but what we are really doing is robbing our children and their children for generations to come.

I am by no means rich. We live paycheck to paycheck, but I don't ever expect the government to swoop in and save me.

People say, "Oh but giving a little bit of my money to help the poor is ok with me." But did you know:

The bottom 50% of Americans pay 3% of all income tax. **
Bottom 40% pay NOTHING **
The top 5% of Americans paid 60% of all income tax.**
The top 1% make 21% of the total adjusted gross income, but pay 40% of the entire tax burden**

The problem is, we aren't GIVING our money, it's being stolen. I hate my money being ~~given~~ taken by the government. They are so wasteful and most politicians don't care about a cause unless it helps their campaign in some way.

"You cannot legislate the poor into freedom by legislating the wealthy out of freedom. What one person receives without working for, another person must work for without receiving. The government cannot give to anybody anything that the government does not first take from somebody else. When half of the people get the idea that they do not have to work because the other half is going to take care of them, and when the other half gets the idea that it does no good to work because somebody else is going to get what they work for, that my dear friend, is about the end of any nation. You cannot multiply wealth by dividing it." ~ The late Dr. Adrian Rogers, 1931 - 2005

Buried in the Department of the Treasury’s 2003 Financial Report of the United States Government is a short section titled “Unreconciled Transactions Affecting the Change in Net Position,” which explains that these unreconciled transactions totaled $24.5 billion in 2003. The unreconciled transactions are funds for which auditors cannot account: The government knows that $25 billion was spent by someone, somewhere, on something, but auditors do not know who spent it, where it was spent, or on what it was spent. Blaming these unreconciled transactions on the failure of federal agencies to report their expenditures adequately, the Treasury report concludes that locating the money is “a priority.” The unreconciled $25 billion could have funded the entire Department of Justice for an entire year.** *

Do you know how much good $25 billion dollars could do? It would only cost $20 billion to get safe drinking water to EVERYONE IN THE WORLD! But that money is gone. Government can’t account for it. Why should anyone want to give them more money? You should be outraged. Everyone should be outraged.

Here is another reason I am so outraged. Obama and Biden are making it seem like the wealthy are stepping on the little guy. Like the wealthy just don't pay enough to help, so don't you think if they wanted to help the poor so much, they would be big charity donors? Before Obama ran for Senate, he gave less than 1% of his money to charity.**** Joe Biden gave less than 0.35%.***** So maybe his motives are questionable.

So here's what I want, no more income taxes for anyone. I will gladly give my money to a charity that will do 10x the good the government could do with it. If you are interested, please check out FairTax.org. This tax would eliminate all corporate and income taxes and put a larger sales tax in place. It would require all people who get paid illegally or under the table to contribute to the general fund. If your a drug dealer, you pay in. If your an illegal alien, you pay in. If you have more money and buy more stuff, you pay in more. It would also help more jobs come to America because we would no longer have the second highest corporate tax rate in the world. It's good for everyone except the politicians because they will lose a lot of their power. Just take a look.

*http://www.glennbeck.com/content/articles/article/198/20763/

**http://usgovinfo.about.com/od/incometaxandtheirs/a/taxburden06.htm

***http://www.heritage.org/research/budget/bg1840.cfm

****http://taxprof.typepad.com/taxprof_blog/2008/03/obama-releases.html

*****http://taxprof.typepad.com/taxprof_blog/2008/09/biden-releases.html

So I Need Some Fashion Advice

2009-02-27T20:52:00.004-06:00

I am one of those people who wear the same clothes for years, I mean YEARS, like from high school. I never buy new clothes unless they are on the clearance rack and I need it for some occasion. I am that woman you see in Target with three kids, wearing an Abercrombie shirt from ten years ago. Pathetic huh?

I am also one of those people who LOVE a great deal. I feel like I save money when I get something, 50%, 75%, heaven help me, 90% off. Its a serious problem. I actually used to work for Target as a clearance marker. I must have spent most of my paycheck there getting an "Awesome Deal!".

So, I am back in my skinny jeans ~~not counting the muffin top~~ and I found some great stuff online at Tracy Porter. Great like, more than 75% off. But, I am feeling a little guilty. We really don't have the extra funds to be spending on non-essentials and Mr B says green is not my color. But he said if I really wanted them, it was ok with him AND I had a 10% off coupon.

So I ask:

1. Are these too young for me?

2. Are they cute or am I delusional?

3. Do you think they still cost too much?

Opera Jacket

Was:$250

I Paid: $24.30

Mossy Sweater

Was: $180

I Paid: $22.50

Playing Catchup

2009-02-25T21:20:00.004-06:00

Updated:

Sorry it's been so long. Thanks for those who sent emails seeing if I was ok. I am. We are. All's good.

Valentine's Day was a good day. We (me and the kids) made Mr B a poster that declares, "We love Papa". We colored it and stuck on some Styrofoam hearts. I printed off a bunch of pictures of the kids (including the baby) and we had a good time framing those in hearts and putting them on the poster board.

Mr B bought me three roses for each of the kids, a sweet card, and some chocolate. Oh, and a stuffed monkey that says "I'm your primate". He knows me too well.

On Saturday we were supposed to be going down to see my brother wrestle at state, but he lost on Friday, therefore didn't make it on Saturday. We opted not to go, since we would have all three kids and its a three hour drive. Instead, we hung out at the house and had breakfast. It was nice to be together and just veg. At one point I was down stairs reading through my Bible and Mr B called me upstairs. He had a slow song playing and he asked me to dance. We slowly moved in circles to the rhythm of the song, our breaths in sync. I then felt a wet tear on my skin and looked up. He had tears streaming down his face. -Note that usually when the sobs come, there is something he is feeling very guilty about- I cautiously asked him what's wrong. "I just don't deserve you". Was his reply. It was a sweet moment and my love deepened for him.

I did ask him later if there was anything he needed to tell me and he reassured me there wasn't. I like not having secrets between us. I like him knowing where I am (spiritually and mentally) and I like to be with him.

We also took the kids to the local outlet mall to let them play in the kids area. They had a great time. Belle wanted to go on the carousel so bad, so we ended up taking her and it was all she could talk about. I wish I could take them everyday. Even Raef came out of his shell a bit. Even Marcus had a good time!

Raef is now sleeping in a ~~toddler~~ big boy bed and Marcus has moved out of our room into the crib. Raef loves it so much, but I swear every other night when I go in because Marcus is crying, I nearly step on Raef who has fallen out of bed and just ends up sleeping on the floor all night. He is such a heavy sleeper; I wonder if he just slides onto the floor and doesn't even wake up.

I have gone on a strict diet and I think that is helping me keep things in control. Now that I can control this, it is easier to take on other things (like the house). I am working on getting this place together. It seems like a mad house and I would like to walk around here without clutter. Maybe I will jump on Heidi's bandwagon and get to cleanin'.

Hope you all are well. I am really behind in my blog circle. I have been obsessed lately with (*ahem) debating politics on Craigs List. It's like I get to talk to adults during the day. Every now and then I need to be pulled out of the spit-up, whining pit I find myself in.

The kids are great. Raef's birthday is on the 8th and we are throwing him a football themed birthday party. Luckily I found a lot of football decorations after the Superbowl and he LOVES football. Noticed?

Well, I must go. Kisses to you all and thanks for the prayers. They were a miracle last week.

Clarity

2009-02-19T13:52:00.002-06:00

I want you all to know that I have forgiven the other. Maybe sometimes it doesn't seem like I have, but I did forgive her a long time ago. It doesn't mean that it still doesn't hurt and it doesn't mean that I want to be her best friend, it just means that I have relinquished her from the wrath of my heart.

I pray for the other every night. I pray for her boys and her family. I wish no ill towards her. This all being said, when she does present herself as a threat to my family (child abuse allegations, flirting with my husband, etc) I do stand up to protect. I don't believe God wants us to cower towards evil or evil promoted deeds. The second woman who cheated with Mr B and they actually had a relationship (instead of a one night stand like the other) I harbor no ill feelings. Even though she told me the day I found out that "You obviously can't fulfill his needs like I do" and such horrible things, I have been given the time and the space to completely heal from that. With the other, its not the same.

So my goal now is to not only heal from the pain, but to love her and love her like Jesus does. It's a tall order and will most likely take some time, but it is my end goal.

Out of this whole situation, I have learned tremendous compassion. Compassion for others who even though they may have put themselves in bad situations, if they are trying to claw their way out, my respect is immense for them. It used to be that I felt they were getting what they deserved, the consequences to their actions, but now I see the amount of strength it takes to grow out of a painful circumstance.

I hope you all see in me that even though I have hard days, even though I am not always perfect, I am striving to be the person God wants and will be proud of.

I come to my blog many times in a pit of despair to get the pain off my heart and say things to my friends that I can not say to my husband due to the hurt it might cause. The encouraging words do wonders for me and I hope you will still comment and give me feedback.

You all are a great pillar of support and I hope I helped to clarify where I am. Thanks for coming along on my struggle with me.

She Strikes Again

2009-02-16T11:21:00.002-06:00

So this weekend was full of strife and anger...let me start out at the beginning.

Friday - The Other and Mr B agreed in the court documents that on even filing years, she would get to claim the baby and on odd claiming years, Mr B would get to claim the baby. If for any reason, the credit could not be used, it would go to the other. Well, the other lives at home with her father and from court documents I can see that she claims 98 on her W2 as to not have to pay taxes. So I told Mr B to ask her for the credit since I don't even think she will file and if she does, the credit won't even help...let me also say that she does have an older son (2 I think) and she gets that credit too as she hasn't gone after that father for child support. Well, she won't let him have it. We suspect her father will be claiming all three of them which is against the court order, but how can we prove it?

Later that day when I go to get the mail, we get a letter from the Kansas Department of Revenue stating they will be taking back child support out of our refund. Now let me say that dead beat dads should have money taken from them, but Mr B couldn't even get a hold of her. She wouldn't let him see the baby and Mr B and I did offer any support and told her to call whenever she needed something. When he was first born, she would set up a time for us to see him and then just not show up. After about six weeks, she just stopped taking Mr B's calls. So in July (the day before I gave birth) we got a letter saying she was going after child support and wanted back child support. We pay an extra $50 a month to pay down that debt, but she wants it all now.

Saturday...we have him for the day and she is supposed to pick him up by 5. Mr B texts the other and asks if we can keep him for just a little longer. She says that's fine. Mr B and I have plans to have dinner later that evening, 7.30ish, and when Mr B texts her back later, no reply. He calls her, no answer. 9.00 - No answer. 10.00 - No answer. She just doesn't come to get him. Last time Mr B and I had a date, she did the same thing. She finally called from a club at 1 AM and left a message. She came and picked him up at noon the next day.

So I asked Mr B what her problem was and he said that she just doesn't like me. Why? It's not like I slept with her husband. He says that whenever he is around, she starts acting all giggly...kind of flirty. So I have decided, he sees her no more without me. The hurt has gone and the anger has taken its place. No way will she come between us again. I am actually thinking of sitting down and talking to her. Telling her that we need to be adults for this baby and any fantasies of hers needs to stop.

Sunday...at church pastor talked about love. How love heals. How sometimes we don't love because it makes us vulnerable. Love is God and we must love others. That the other is completely loved by God and so I should love her too. Wow...that was tough stuff. Mr B and I were talking about it afterwards and I just told him that I need to marinate in the whole idea for a while. How do I love her? I can say I do all day long, but I don't. I know it. I wouldn't lie down my life for her...I would probably push her in front of the bus...ok, maybe not...maybe. So if you don't mind, I may post some stuff about it as I go along.

Sorry its taken so long for me to post. Its been busy and I am a bit of a mess...to tell you the truth, on Saturday, I asked Chris for a little white pill. But, when it came time, I didn't' take it. I know I am stronger than I think.

Renewed Strength

2009-02-08T23:38:00.003-06:00

On Friday, it was my youngest brother's 17th birthday. Mr B and I got him Red's CD. You see, my brother is really impressionable and he likes music like Slipknot...not the best role models. So I asked Mr B to give him the CD and tell him how much he likes them. My brother is 103 lbs and a bit of a dork...I think he really admires Mr B's confidence and looks up to him. While talking about the christian rock band, Mr B got on the computer and showed him all kinds of great christian rock videos on YouTube. My brother then proceeded to pull up a play set to the music of Lighthouse...can I tell you my life view changed in a few short minutes.

Neither relationships, nor money, nor alcohol, nor self image, nor depression can keep us from the love and mercy of God. The video I watched changed my perception. I'll tell you, I cried through the whole thing and I sobbed in the last minute. The girl in the video, she's me...all of it, its been me. I cry as I write this now, but it is so powerful.

God shows up in the most unexpected places and today, it was on my 17 year old brother's laptop. Here I was expecting to bring him closer to God and he took me to my knees.

This video is powerful. Grab a Kleenex and get ready...if you start to zone out, stay til the end. Its right on. God bless.

"For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor rulers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor anything above, nor anything below, nor anything else in all creation can separate us from the love of God that is ours[t] in the Messiah Jesus, our Lord." ~ Romans 8:38-39 (International Standard Version)

His Past ~ Chapter 19

2009-02-06T20:59:00.001-06:00

1. Is there anything in your husband's past that repeatedly torments him? Describe. Not really. Sometimes I wish he wouldn't move on as fast as he does. Of course he wishes the affairs hadn't happened, but he moves forward. I am somewhat still stuck there and when I have a bad day, he sometimes seems miffed I still think about it. He is great about letting me grieve, but I think sometimes he wonders why I don't just get over it already. - You know, there is something that used to bother him. When I was a senior in high school, he had a sort of nervous breakdown. His family has a history of chemical imbalance and the teenage years is when it blossoms. He ended up having to stay for a few weeks in a mental hospital. He got on medication, but a few years later, declared himself fine and went off them. He felt weak having to be on them. When we were first married, I noticed his moods and what I thought to be depression. I pushed him to go see a doctor, but hating his stay in the hospital years before, he refused. I really believe if he would have dealt with it then, he wouldn't have turned to alcohol to self medicate and the affairs wouldn't have happened. He has realized his weaknesses and one of my conditions on working on the marriage was that he get back to the doctor and start meds. Life is totally different.

2. Is your husbands past something he learns from, something he ignores, or does he live in it? He is learning to learn from it. I feel like he is really trying to grow.

3. Phil 3:13-14 Do you feel your husband reaches out for all God has for him? No. But I think he is moving in that direction, trying to grow into the man God wants him to be.

4. Are you afraid there is anything from your husband's past that could be passed to your children? No. We work on living for today and the future, especially for our kids.

5. Was there anything in his childhood that is affecting him today? No. He had a pretty good childhood.

6. Was he ever labeled with hurtful names that he still uses to color his image of himself? No, he was pretty popular. I don't think he has ever had a poor self image.

Things I Am Learning

2009-02-05T13:41:00.004-06:00

So, over the last few days, I think I have made some real breakthroughs in the way I think.

If I am in the midst of Fear, Frustration or Fatigue, I am a million times more likely to make a bad decision. These are the times Satan really focuses on tempting me. He knows that I am weak and more likely to do whatever is easiest which is usually involves sinning.

Feelings lie. Sometimes I think it would be so much easier to just leave. I wouldn't have to deal with the other or the baby anymore, I could maybe find someone who is the "right" one for me. What my heart doesn't tell me is the incredible pain it would put my children in. The pain I would have to see Mr B dating, loving, marrying another. The separation I would face when the kids went with Mr B for the weekend. It wouldn't be easier, in fact, it could very well destroy lives. I am staying.

Be quick to listen and slow to speak. Yeah, this has been around forever, but I just got it. The things I learn when I just shut my mouth. I recently read that people don't like to sit in silence. It is uncomfortable, so whenever two people are together and there is prolonged silence, usually the woman will try and fill the void. I've noticed Mr B telling me more things just to fill in the silence.

God knows what He is doing and sometimes you just have to wait for things to play out. Be still, and know that I am God ~ Psalm 46:10 - so true. He has everything in His hands and sometimes processes have to be gone through to get to the result. It's hard for me because I want everything in this instant. I am really working on patience. With my kids, with my husband and mostly, with God.

Showing self control shows God and others that I am serious and in the long run, I can be trusted. Like I said before, I want everything that feels good and I can get right now. Whether its eating a big bowl of ice cream, even though I am on a diet or controlling my temper, I want to be like Christ and His self control was immense. I am striving to keep myself in check. When I exhibit self control, I tend to be able to hear the Holy Spirit more clearly.

I need to work on myself before I point out other's flaws. I am not perfect, far from it, but I have a tendency to see what everyone around me is doing wrong...I don't ever really point it out to them, but I do say things in my head...maybe making myself feel better that "at least I'm not doing that". In order for me to be a good representative of Christ, I need to always be loving, look to the good, and be an example. I want to draw people in, not push them away with self righteousness. Mr B and I have a tendency to talk between ourselves..."can you believe that so -and-so did this or that", "so-and-so is headed for trouble" (so lets watch the train wreck). Instead, as I work on myself, I need to be supportive and pray for these people. Its God's business to change their heart, not mine.

So there you go. Hopefully in the next few weeks, months, years, I can make some real strides. Life has been scary lately...but I know God cares and He will work it all out for good.

I've Been Tagged

2009-02-03T21:58:00.002-06:00

Thanks Jill for tagging me!

Step 1: respond and rework—answer the questions on your own blog, replace one question that you dislike with a question of your own invention, add one more question of your own.

Step 2: tag—eight other un-tagged people.

1. What are you wearing right now? Pink pajama pants and a Nike tshirt...is it sad that I have had this on all day?

2. What's the last thing I read/ are currently reading? I am reading Midnight Sun by Stephanie Meyer.

3. Do you nap a lot? I did before I had kids...I could sleep 14 hours straight. Now, I shower when they sleep.

4. Who was the last person you hugged? Raef. He's still sick and needs all the hugs he can get.

5. What's your current obsession/addiction? Craigs List

6. What is your favorite moment of the day? Putting the kids down for a nap. One of hour of me time!

7. What websites do you always visit when you go online? Craigs List, my blog, all the blogs I follow, online banking.

8. What was the last item you bought? prescriptions.

9. What is your most challenging goal? losing weight

10. If you could have a house totally paid for, fully furnished- anywhere in the world, where would it be? On the coast in Mexico - Riviera Maya

11. Favorite Vacation spot? Riviera Maya, Mexico

12. Say something to the person who tagged you: Jill, you are such a sweetie! Thanks for tagging me. Sorry it took to do this post.

13. Name one thing you just can't resist no matter how bad it is for you: cheese...love it

14. What is your favorite item of clothing? My husbands pajama pants...but when I am skinny, its a tight little dress...hugs all the right places.

15. Favorite pair of shoes you keep going back to over and over, even though your closet is over flowing with a zillion others?! patten leather stilettos...don't wear them as much as I used to.

16. Name one thing you can not live with out: air conditioning

17. If you could have any other job besides your current job, what would it be? a pro-life non profit

18. What's your favorite drink from Sonic? Cherry limeade...am I boring or what?

19. Name the last naughty thing you caught your kid(s) doing. Just a few minutes ago, I caught Raef unwrapping sticks of butter and throwing them in the trash! Ugh, do you know how much butter costs? And how yummy it is?

I am tagging:

His Fatherhood ~ Chapter 18

2009-02-03T21:49:00.000-06:00

1.Has your husband ever worried about being a good father? Have you ever asked him if he does? He is a great father. I know he worries about explaining the affair and how they will react. Knowing that he betrayed their mother. But when it comes to his relationship with them, I could not imagine a better father.

2. Did your husband have a good father? What does he say his relationship with his father is like? What is it like today? Today his father is on medication for a chemical imbalance, which he didn't get on until about 12 years ago. So up until Mr B was 14 or so, his father rarely talked to him, but he rarely talked to anybody. Since I came around 10 years ago, I never knew him when he was like that. Mr B says he is night and day. His dad is so nice and wants to love and kiss on his grand kids. Its nice to have, but sometimes it seems like he tries to make up for not being a great dad. He wants to do things like have his three kids, their spouses and their kids spend the night at their house on Christmas Eve and wake up there on Christmas. He doesn't get that we want to have Christmas morning at our house and he gets upset. He was actually upset with me this year because we spent more time at my moms. My brother had flown in from California and had never seen Marcus, so I wanted to spend more time there this year. We did go over in the evening, but I could tell he was put out with me.

3. Does your husband emulate his father as a dad or does he feel the need to be better than his dad was? I don't think either. I don't think he compares himself to his dad. He just loves on our kids. Not to out do anybody or be better than anybody.

4. Does your husband have a good relationship with each of his children? Yes.

5. Do you feel your husband has bonded with each of his children? Have you bonded with each of your children? Yes and Yes.

6. Does your husband ever feel guilty or like he has failed as a parent when he sees something wrong with his children? Not yet.

7. Do you ever feel your husband is more concerned with being a good father than with being a good husband? How does it make you feel? Yes. I think he thinks marriage doesn't take work. It should just happen. When he's home, he wants to see the kids. I am praying hard about that. I need his affection and he is the only one I can get it from. The kids need him too I know, but in the end, they will leave, so we need to work on our relationship now if we plan to grow old together.

His Relationships ~ Chapter 17

2009-02-03T21:35:00.003-06:00

1. What are your husband's friends like? Are they godly? Are they an asset or a detriment?Explain. His only true friends are the friends he has had since he was a kid. In no way do I feel like they are an asset in his Godly walk. I can't even think of one that claims to be a Christian, let alone go to church and encourage his daily walk. He has a hard time letting people into his vulnerable self and trusting others, so he doesn't make true friends easy.

2. Proverbs 12:26 Are there any people in your husband's life that you consider to be bad influences? Does he have any relationships that continually trouble him? Explain. Yes. He has a friend right now who cheated on his wife several times and now she is cheating on him. Mr B seems to take his side and in my eyes, they are both wrong, but I can see how she would lose the connection with him after him hurting her so many times. Mr B just sees his friend hurting.

3. 2 Corinthians 6:14 Does your husbands have any close friends or business relationships with people who are not believers? Pray for them. All of them it seems.

4. Where does your husband find most of his friends? Do you think it is a good place to meet the kinds of friends he needs? His only true friends, (the friends he actually sees outside of work) all come from his childhood. I am hoping through church and us doing more volunteer work, we will start to surround ourselves with Godly people.

5. Does your husband have close, believing, male friends or mentors who counsel him and encourage his spiritual growth? Does he want them? No he doesn't, but I think he would like some.

6. Does your husband have a good relationship with each of his family members? Is there anyone in particular who is especially troubling for him? Are some family relationships weak or strained? Pray about these. He has a great relationship with his family...I would say that they go to mass out of obligation and not for their spiritual growth. Like its a matter of duty, because I never see them put any of the Catholic principles into practice. I don't mean to judge, but I only say these things because now that Mr B and I are going to a more "hands in the air singing, amen, hallelujah" kind of church, they seem more concerned that he is no longer Catholic than on how much he is growing. The steps I take, like no longer eating pork as a show of dedication to the Lord, seems weird to them. I feel like they criticize me for taking him away. So all that being said, I think they mean well, but sometimes the barrier that is between us now because we aren't Catholic, strains our relationship. To me, as long as you believe in Jesus and you work every day at your walk, it doesn't matter the church you go to. Its all about where you feel God. If Belle grew up to be Catholic and really did it, I would be thrilled. If she grew up and went to our church just our of duty, I would be sad.

7. Is your husband part of a prayer group or Bible study? If yes pray for it, if no pray for him to find one. No. He keeps saying he is going to go to this class on Sunday night, but he has yet to go.

8. Is their any relationships your husband has that are strained because of his unforgiveness? Pray for him to forgive. No.

9. How is your friendship with your husband? Do you think it can be improved upon or deepened? Pray for this. I think we are good friends. I think I am his best friend...but we can always improve.

Feeling Icky

2009-02-02T17:18:00.002-06:00

So since last week, Belle, Raef and myself have been fighting this yucky, phlegm filled, sickness. Cough, fever, congestion, lots of mucus and swollen glands...sounds fun right? I have been giving the kids Triaminic or Robitussin and Tylenol or Motrin...here's what I learned, even though the Triaminic says "Sore Throat and Cough" don't give Tylenol for the fever...Triaminic already has it in it...so there you go.

Raef has had it the worst, hardly eating and not sleeping well because the coughing keeps him up...poor baby. He gets so grouchy that he doesn't want you to hold him, but you can't put him down, cause then he'll cry.

Saturday, Chris took Marcus and went to pick up the baby and took the two to his mother's house. He was supposed to be back in time to take Raef to the walk in clinic by our house which closes at 5. He told me he would leave their house (about 45 minute drive from ours) at 2.30 and his parents would be taking the baby back to the other at 4. I hadn't heard from him, so at 3.45, I called and he was just leaving their house to take the baby back home...15 minutes the other way.

So, I had been home all day with two sick, super cranky kids and I was sick myself. I just wanted to stay in bed and pound down the NyQuil... So when Mr B was coming home late and not only late, but too late to take Raef to the doctor, I was less than thrilled...ok, I was pissed. If I had had a car, I would have taken him myself, but Mr B had our only vehicle.

I used my angry tone, but I kept myself from blowing up. He said he would hurry and that he would try to get home in time. At 4.55, he pulls into our driveway, we switch kids, and he takes Raef. He gets there too late and they won't see him. Mr B then drives 30 minutes to another clinic that stays open later. After an hour and a half wait, they see my sick boy. The doctor writes him a RX for a medication that used to be OTC, but now you can only get from the doctor and even most doctors don't prescribe it.

Mr B goes to CVS, they don't have it. Its too late for anyone else to have their pharmacy open so we just have to wait til Sunday. The next morning, Mr B takes Marcus to church and drops off the prescription at Wal-Mart. They don't carry it either. He then goes to our local grocery store, they have it, but it just went out of date. The pharmacist also tells him that even if they did have it, she probably wouldn't give it to him...that it while kids are on it, it makes them slow...I am not sure what she meant, but if she would have seen him, he couldn't get any slower! Maybe it would have helped him sleep.

So today, he is worse then ever. My mom comes over and says he needs to go to the doctors. I call Mr B and he thinks so too and wants to take him to the ER. I take my moms car and I meet him up there. They took chest Xrays and no pneumonia! Praise God! They gave him a breathing treatment and a RX for a strong antibiotic.

Hopefully this will help. He hasn't had a real meal since last week, but the doctor's said that as long as he is keeping hydrated, no to worry too much about it.

So, will you say a prayer especially for my little boy?

Also, I want you all to know that I didn't fight or yell at Mr B for forgetting. I am trying to learn to be more patient and to tell you the truth, I figured he would be late. It's just how he is...isn't the definition of insanity doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results? So, I'm just trying to be patient and insane at the same time.

His Priorities ~ Chapter 16

2009-01-30T22:28:00.002-06:00

Sorry I haven't posted. We have been sick, sick, sick...I actually accidentally OD'd Belle today on Actametiphan (did I spell that right? Whatever!) I had to call poison control...they said she would be fine. Then Mr B actually left me home with them! After I almost killed our first born! I am not to be trusted. Oh and Sophia, I love you...you know who you are! :)

Do you feel your husband's priorities are in the right order? Explain. I think in his head they are in the right order, but its his practice where he gets out of whack. By making work first, he thinks he is providing what our family needs most. No, what our family needs is him. I know he thinks by doing extra, it is in our best interest, but there are some nights I just need him. Work be damned! The extra things he does are not his responsibility, but when he does them, they become his. He doesn't understand that endless cycle.

Do you feel that you are first after God on your husband's priority list? How does that make you feel? Again, in his head I am. That is where I should and want to be, but like I said, work seems to come first. Even above his own well being.

Do you ever feel that you are unprotected, unloved, or uncovered because you are not a priority with your husband? Yes. When I tell him I am really sick (like today) and I really need him home, since I don't have anyone to help me with three small children and he goes to work anyway, I feel low on the list. I know if it were reversed, I would stay home in a flash for him, even if we didn't have kids. Just to take care of him.

Can you think of ways you could set aside time for you and your husband to be alone doing things he enjoys? List them. This is something I do strive to do. He likes to watch fights (boxing, UFC, etc) so I try to be excited about them too and plan fun food and watch them with him.

Do you ever wish your husband would take more time for you alone than he does? Explain. We don't have enough alone time together because we have so many small children. I would like to have more, but its not his fault we don't.

Do you ever feel your husband puts his children before you? In what ways? Yes. Belle has a hold on him. Whatever she asks, she gets. He is working on it though, so I can't complain too much.

Does your husband ever feel you put your children before him? Are you sure? If so, what could you do about this? I believe he does when it comes to Marcus. I feel he is still a baby and especially now when he is sick, I hate to let him cry for long periods of time. He knows that at a certain point I let go, but Marcus just hasn't gotten old enough for me yet.

Do you feel he puts the interests of other people before those of his own family? Explain. How does that affect the family? Whenever his brother calls at 11:00 PM to see if he can come over, Mr B lets him. I hate that because we have kids and I don't like those things sprung on me. I have told him that before, but he has a hard time saying no. He feels like his brother is all alone, which I totally get, but it is still hard to entertain after a day with the kids. I just want that time to be for us, since it is so precious.

His Reputation ~ Chapter 15

2009-01-28T20:12:00.001-06:00

Let me say that I don't really get this chapter. Virtue is indeed important, but is she asking that we pray that God helps our husband keep his name in good standing? What about the things that are spread by others or out of his/our control? I think this is indeed a good thing to pray for, but doesn't the Bible say that God blesses those who are persecuted unjustly?

Also, what do you do when his bad reputation tarnishes you? I wish she would have touched on that. I feel like everyone who knows of the affairs looks on me as weak, they throw me pity, and I am just a "poor wife." That is something I really hate. I know I am no any of those things, that I must work even harder now to restore my name because of his infractions. I guess I'm a little bitter...praying for that too.

So I guess my prayer is that he chooses wisely and within his control in order to keep a good reputation. I do think I can have a major impact in that I can condone or disapprove of behaviours that would put his name in a good/bad light. However, in the end, I can't control his actions. So I will continue to pray that God continues to bless him, give him wisdom, and clarity. In those things, I believe he can/is work(ing) on reparing his reputation.

Random Updates

2009-01-28T12:00:00.001-06:00

Just some random things I wanted everyone to know...

1. I got my butt up and went to the gym today...gained 8 lbs since the last time I was there. On a strict diet until my dignity returns. Breakfast was a myriad of vitamins...yum.

2. On Stephanie Meyer's website, you can read the partial draft of Midnight Sun. It is Twilight from Edwards perspective. I am hoping she will finish it, but she says she wont...(insert tears here)

3. I officially have $1 in my bank account and don't get paid until the 6th...awesome.

4. I was late paying a credit card and yesterday, when I sent off the payment, I finally answered their call. Here's how it went:

Me: Yes, I sent my payment today...

Them: Are you having a tough time right now...

Me: (Sarcastically) Yeah! My hours were cut to five a week.

Them: (Super nice) Well, let me see what we can do. Ok, I just cut your interest rate to 10% (it was 23%) and put you on a payment schedule which will cut your payment in half. It will also stop the late fees and as long as you pay on time, we won't report anything to the credit bureau.

Me: Uhhh...thanks!

I should have answered that phone call last week! They've only been calling me eight times a day!

5. My mom bought us a printer for Christmas from Circuit City, but did not buy the cable I need to connect it. Its a Circuit City exclusive which means the ink and the cable must be purchased from Circuit City or Lexmark.com...blast!

Marcus...What Am I Going To Do With You?

2009-01-27T18:19:00.010-06:00

Last week, I walked by the exersaucer that has been patiently waiting to come out of the garage and play with Marcus. I see it in there...all the little animals staring at me (the lion, seal, horse, and elephant), begging me...so I finally obliged. Took me about an hour to clean it, get all the dog hair off of it, and eww...the old Cheerios out of the crevices...but finally, it was clean and awaiting Marcus' arrival.

So Marcus eagerly jumps in and immediately the animals start vying for his affection. He has a conversation with the horse, but between you and me, I think she's a little needy. He has some one on one time with the lion...they have a lovely time, but I think Marcus just wants to be friends. Its now between the elephant and the seal...

Marcus spends a little time with the elephant, but it is clear, all he can think about is that damn seal. She's been showing her goods and flashing that tail...its just too much for poor Marcus to handle.

So what does he do right in front of Ms. Elephant? Sucks face with the seal. There is saliva flying everywhere...I was so embarrassed. Look at him! He knows exactly what he's doing. Good grief Marcus! I raised you better than that!

I even caught him feelin her up under her tail and what did she do to stop it! Nothing! I think I am going to have to have a serious talk with that ~~slut~~ young lady!

Just the other day he was my little baby...how did he become such a player? Why God, why?!?

His Integrity ~ Chapter 14

2009-01-26T20:00:00.002-06:00

1. Integrity means to adhere to moral and ethical principles. Do you feel your husband is a man of integrity? Why or why not?
Yes, I believe he stands firm on what he believes to be moral and ethical, although I think his bar needs to be higher. I understand that I can not change his views and so I am praying that God will hold him to a stricter and more holy standard.

2. Is the man your husband appears to be to other people the same or different than the man you know him to be in private? How so? He is totally different around other people. He doesn't like to show weakness and when he is around other people, he seems to talk louder and with different vocabulary. Almost like he is trying to be assertive...even around his friends, I can see that he is different.

3. Is your husband for the most part a man of his word? Could he improve in that area? If so in what way? He is mostly a man of this world, but I can see that he is starting to leave that little by little and move more into the Christian/Heavenly thinking. He could definitely improve, but I think him progress is promising.

4. Is your husband easily deceived? Have you ever seen him being deceived in any way? Are you concerned that he might be deceived sometime in the future? Explain. I think Satan has a good hold on convincing him that he is weak and a failure...that it is important to always be strong and you can never ask for help. He is getting better at recognizing it.

5. Do you believe your husband would ever compromise what he knows to be the right thing to do? Explain. He obviously has in the past and like anyone trying to quit a sinful life style, there is always temptation to do it again, but I think he recognizes it and thus far, he has done a good job to thwart Satan's attempts.

6. Do you sense there are influences around your husband trying to sway him away from the paths of righteousness? A lot of his childhood friends and alcohol. Even though they are small portions of his life, I don't like the person he is when he is around either of them.

So on today's previous post, Mr B showed tremendous integrity and I am so proud of him. I am praying that the growing continues and what he knows to be true, he holds fast to.

One thing I am concerned about is his friends and the way he acts around them. There is no cursing in our home (ok, very rarely and under dire circumstances) but when he is around his friends, it seems to be in every sentence. When we are driving in the car, we listen to only christian music, but when his friends are around, break out Marylin Manson...gee whiz. No alcohol is ever purchased by us, but when his friends come over, they bring 20 packs and it's party time, although ever since our bad weekend, he has cut that down quite a bit. Are you getting my drift?

So what I am really praying for is that he recognize the path God wants him to be on and Mr B gives up the things that hinder him from it. I pray that I will be a good influence and proper support. I feel that when he knows that something is righteous, he goes to it full force, but the items I mentioned above, somehow don't apply. I just want him to be the person he is with me and an outstanding example of Christ.

Saturday Updates - Mostly In Pictures

2009-01-26T14:53:00.008-06:00

Saturday morning, I took her to get her very first haircut. She was so good and I think it turned out really well. I also got my hair cut and eyebrows waxed. That is as close as I get to being pampered. :)

We then went to my moms and she made a fantastic spread for the party.

Every year, on Belle's birthday, I have her take a picture in my prom dress...

Sunday Updates

2009-01-26T13:26:00.003-06:00

So many things happened this weekend. Anything that I have pictures for, will be blogged about later...when I can find my camera.

So Sunday morning, we are supposed to go to the early service at church because at the later service, Mr B and I work in the nursery. Well, we had such a late night on Saturday that we didn't make it to the first service.

While Mr B was in the shower, he hollered at me. I went in and he said "I have to ask you a serious favor...do you mind if I not do the nursery today, but I go to service?" Really, I didn't want him to go, but I knew if he was asking, he felt he needed to be there. So of course, I told him to go.

I walked out of the bathroom and not five minutes later I can hear him calling me again. I went to see what he needed and he told me to sit down. Well, this must not be good.

Long Pause...

"Yesterday, when you took Belle to your moms...I was on the computer and I felt the urge..."

The urge to?

"The urge to go to websites I knew I shouldn't be on...I actually went as far as typing in the address. But at the last minute, I decided I would go work out instead. I just needed a release and since we haven't been able to have sex since you have been on your period all week, I found out that I am not as strong as I thought I was. I just wanted you to know that."

Ok...well, thanks for telling me. I am proud of you for saying no to your demons.

So this whole conversation really hit me smack in the face...especially with me preparing myself for the emotion earthquake of seeing the baby. It was a lot to take in. It's not that I am mad at him...I am so proud that he said no, that he did not act on his temptation. Thats part of what I have been praying for right? Not only that, but he confessed to me the thought of sinning...I feel like that's so much progress...on the other hand, it still hurts that he thinks about it. I suppose that is a small part of the equation and the other 95% of it I am so thankful for. I know that Satan will always be there, whispering in his ear and as long as he says no, he is being a righteous man.

**So after I wrote that paragraph, my thoughts started swimming around in my head. Was Mr B just confessing this small infraction because he was really hiding something bigger? Had he cheated again...why would he even tell me about this if he did nothing wrong. So I called him and asked. He said that he hasn't and that if I ever have questions like that, to call and ask. He will never be mad. About a half our later, he called to see how I was doing. He said that he felt like the enemy had gotten to him on Saturday and since he didn't get him, now he was coming after me in my thoughts. I hadn't thought about it like that...what perspective he has. If you all only knew him a few years ago, you would be shocked on him growth. I know he isn't cheating and I need to do a better job on keeping Satans lies out of my head.

After church, Mr B went with Raef to pick up the baby. I went ahead and took Belle and Marcus to his moms where we were all coming over for a late breakfast. When I heard Mr B come in with the baby, my heart began to race...I went to greet them and held out my arms to the baby.

He has gotten so much bigger. I gave him a warm smile and helped him take off his coat. I handed him a small piece of biscuit and he took it while looking around at all the things going on. He just seemed to absorb all the chaos going on...the kids running around like crazy misfits, the loud chatter of the tv and the aroma of breakfast in the air.

Later, Mr B was trying to get him to stand up and take a few steps. I told him to give him to me and I would try to have him walk towards him...no dice, but when Mr B held him and I held out my arms, encouraging him to walk, wouldn't you know he took three steps and fell into my arms. Instinctively, I gave him a big smile and congratulated him by throwing him in the air and saying "What a good job! What a big boy". He gave me the biggest smile back and for an instant, he was mine. For an instant I forgot about the pain...for an instant, he was just my little boy taking some of his fist steps...for an instant, I was proud.

The rest of the night was uneventful, buy I would be lying if I said that every time I looked at him, there wasn't a stab of pain in my chest. That seeing him and holding him didn't make my breathing a little labored, but heh, I got through it and here I am on the other side alive.

Later that night, Mr B wanted me to go with him to take the baby back...lets just say, I'm not ready to see her again. Maybe another weekend, but not this weekend.

So to sum up Sunday, it was hard. It was emotionally draining and by the end, I was completely wiped out. So I am now building myself up for next weekend, which will involve his birthday party at our house...I am sure there will be many crazy posts to come.

Not Me Monday...Part 7

2009-01-26T10:30:00.002-06:00

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

My daughter did not turn THREE on Saturday. It has not been three years and two other babies ago that I swaddled her up and brought her home from the hospital. I am not about to cry right now.

We didn't only get her one gift through the after Christmas sales. I didn't get a bargain via Wal-Mart (40% off). I wouldn't get her the Barbie Mariposa...I mean those wings and a three year old don't mix. I'm not the one who broke the wings putting them on and if I did, I would certainly take it back to Wal-Mart and get a new one in anticipation of my daughter not breaking it on her own. The wings haven't already found there way into the trash. Mariposa isn't just a regular Barbie now.

My mom didn't think it would be a great idea to get Belle a recorder...she wouldn't ever curse my house with such a toy. If Belle did get a recorder, her and Raef wouldn't be fighting over it and when Raef finally gets the chance to play it, he is smart enough to know that you don't have to hum into it to get the sound...

Marcus is healing nicely from his Staph infection, but he doesn't now have a cold...runny nose, cough, all the yuckies. His mama isn't about to pull her hair out.

Todays The Day

2009-01-25T10:19:00.002-06:00

In a few minutes we are leaving for church. After church, we are going to pick up the baby. Some of those feelings are present. Apprehension, fear, sorrow...Please say a prayer for me. Thank you in advance. I have lots of things to tell you, but won't be able to update until tomorrow. Everyone have a blessed Sunday.

Too Bad Awards Aren't Currency...Cause I Got Two

2009-01-25T02:28:00.004-06:00

Lemonade Award

This award is for those who show GREAT ATTITUDE and/or GRATITUDE! if you are given the award, then put the logo on your blog or post. next, nominate at least 5-10 blogs which show GREAT ATTITUDE and/or GRATITUDE! be sure to link to your nominees within your post. let them know that they have received this award by commenting on their blog. share the love and link to this post and to the person from whom you received your award.

(Umm...Jill, do you read my blog...I mean, great attitude?).

AND

Friendship Award

"These blogs are exceedingly charming. These kind bloggers aim to find and be friends. They are not interested in self-aggrandizement. Our hope is that when the ribbons of these prizes are cut, even more friendships are propagated. Please give more attention to these writers. Deliver this award to eight bloggers who must choose eight more and include this cleverly-written text into the body of their award."

(not interested in self-aggrandizement...I don't even know what that means, but if its good, its TOTALLY me)

So Awesome Jill thinks I'm pretty cool, which means she is Obviously cool herself. She gave me not one, but count it, two awards. And of course in my very humble, pious way, I will relate the kind words she said about me.

i wish we could meet in real life! i am so inspired by the dedication and sacrifice you pour into your family. in fact, i borrowed the power of a praying wife from a teacher-friend just because i got so into reading your recaps! we should talk!! praying for lots of sunny days ahead for you, mr. b, and your precious babes.

Yeah, I am totally sending her a check in the mail. I mean me, inspiring? Who knew?

For each winner, I will be describing them with one word, most fitting. So now I bestow these two, prestigious awards upon...drum roll please...

Tranquility - Talented
Amanda - Insightful
Daberath - Caring
Nutty Mom - Hilarious
Ang - Momma
Tricia - Encouraging
Mom on a Coulee - Supportive
Rachel - Strength

Stepping Out In Faith

2009-01-23T17:03:00.004-06:00

***There is an update at the bottom of this post.

Mr B is coming home with the baby tonight. A week ago, our plans were that I would take the kids to stay with my mother tonight. Plans were that tonight the baby would spend the night at our house with Mr B. Plans were tomorrow he would drop off the baby and then come over for Belle's birthday party. Plans have changed.

I have decided to take a deep breath and step out in faith.

Now faith is a well-grounded assurance of that for which we hope, and a conviction of the reality of things which we do not see. ~ Hebrews 11:1 (Weymouth New Testament)

I will be here tonight. I don't know how I feel about it. I just kinda feel numb. No anxiety. No tears. Am I in shock? Has God granted me peace? I am praying that it is the latter. I am begging God to keep the peace flowing through tomorrow.

I cannot tell you how scary the future seems. Will the heart pounding angst return? How will I feel about him tonight? Of course the actions will be there, but I am praying a spark of emotion accompanies them.

So if I may ask for another prayer, please say one for me tonight...I don't even really know what for, but I just know when my prayer warriors run my name through their lips, God seems to listen and sweep my fears, sorrow, and apprehension away, if only for a short time. There is such power when you all embrace me in your conversations with Him and for that, I am truly grateful.

Update:
Mr B is still at work and the weather is getting bad outside. Our overnight has been postponed. Perhaps on Sunday, perhaps next weekend. We will wait and see. I will keep you updated.

Also, Marcus is doing much better. We have not heard back from the doctors, but the boil has drained a great deal and is much smaller. That being said, while we were out shopping today, he was sitting in the cart and threw his head back, hitting the seat. Poor baby bled and screamed. I know it had to hurt. So keep prayin for him...I appreciate it.

His Protection ~ Chapter 12

2009-01-22T12:37:00.002-06:00

This chapter was a bit generic. I do pray for protection of my family, but maybe I should add in protection from the enemy.

I have been discussing this book with a friend of mine and she said that she added in "and God, could you please help my husband to protect me.". I thought that was so profound. Sometimes our husbands don't see us as needing protected. Maybe that is our fault, maybe that is society whispering in their ear that women don't need men. Let me tell you, I need my husband. He is the head of our household and sometimes, the weight of the world is too much to bear and I need a little protection...let me say, that I am not looking for him to fill in the protection I need from God, but like I want and crave the love of God, I also want and crave the love of my husband. In that respect, I want his protection too. To protect me from bad decisions he might make, by not making those decisions. Protecting me from unnecessary pain and protecting my vulnerability.

So I pray for physical protection for my husband and family, mental protection from the enemy, and that my husband understands the correct way to protect me from what God directs him too.

Bad Date

2009-01-22T01:49:00.004-06:00

Mama Kat says: "Tell us about a memorable blind date." Here goes.

Is it sad that my most memerable blind date was being the third wheel on my best friend's sort-of blind date?

My best friend and I were 21, living together in an apartment, boyfriend free (Mr B and I were on a "break") and having the time of our lives. After about 6 weeks of livin' it up single, we decided we didn't like being alone...Hello Match.com.

Now, there are strict rules about Match.com:

Always get a good close up picture
Always talk on the phone before you meet
Always meet in a public place
All first dates must be accompanied by the best friend...at least if he's an ax murderer, we would both die together...

So my girl Smamy (as I call her) had met a fella online. No matter how many times I warned her, she never listened to rule number 1. You would think after a few 'fugly' dates, she would understand, but she's a sucker for the romantic crap guys write, so she always gave the benefit of the doubt. Rule number 2, she was very good at. The new fella she was talking to, she was seeming to really fall for. So the date was set. We would meet for dinner at Carabas...all three of us of course.

Naturally Smamy and I would ride together since we lived together. When we got there, shock number one...you know the guy you see in the grocery store buying Cheetos who look like they only emerge from there mothers basement after playing hours of World of Warcraft, just to get the snack she made for him...yeah, his name is Steve and he was meeting my best friend for dinner. Smamy is a very kind person, so instead of my idea (Run before he notices you...) she calmly went and said hello.

We sat down at the table and like all the dates we had been together in the past, I started asking questions. Nothing mean, but just get to know you questions. Where are you from? What do you do? When are you moving out of your mother's house? You know questions like that. Oh! Did I forget to mention that he had just gotten out of the armed service...I think he was telling the truth, but those gangly arms were screaming something different.

At one point, I get up to go to the bathroom and Steve starts begging Smamy to ditch me. He says I talk to much (who me?) and that he doesn't feel like things are going the way he wants them to. Of course she says no, so he suggests they take me home and then she go to his house...

I come back, the check comes, and he makes Smamy and I pay for our own meals. Now let me say this, every other date we had been on, the guy always paid for my meal. I mean come on, he is trying to sleep with my best friend and of course he knows my approval is necessary...even though we aren't those kinds of girls.

So Smamy is looking at me like, "Get me out of here". We get up to leave and Steve asks if he can see her again. She politely tells him she will call and off we go. When we get on the free way, Sergent Steve calls. Tells her he really thinks she could be the one. Could he come over? He just knows that if he could see her, he could make her understand. He could make her so happy. She had to talk to him for several hours to tell him she didn't want to see him again...and he cried.

I wonder where he is now?

My Poor Marcus

2009-01-21T13:46:00.004-06:00

Monday night I noticed a bug bite on the back of Marcus' head. It was right were he has a bald spot from lying on his back and looking from side to side. I just remember noticing it, running my finger over it and deciding it wasn't a big deal.

Last night, I noticed it had really puffed up. When I touched it, it was soft and squishy. I called my mom and she said that if it wasn't seriously red and since it took 24 hours to get that way, just wait until morning and if it still looks like that, call the doctor.

I decided to put some salve on it with a band-aid (since it was in the bald spot, there wasn't too much hair) and then I laid him down for the evening.

In the middle of the night, I could just hear him whining...I looked in his crib and he was just tossing his head back and forth. I thought maybe the bite was bothering him so I laid him on my chest to let him sleep on his stomach. Within 30 seconds, he was sleeping.

When I got up this morning, I checked on it and it was much larger than the band-aid...not kidding, the size of half an egg. It had a little white head on it and it seemed to hurt when I touched it. So I called his pediatrician and made an appointment. After that, I really started to let my mind run wild...its so big, its on his head. What if it affects his brain? What if I am not taking him to the doctor fast enough? Should I have taken him yesterday? What if they want to drain it? Will they need to put him under? Will they have me take him to the children's hospital?

So I called our dermatologist. I really like him because he always tells us what he would do with his own kids. He had an appointment an hour earlier than our pediatrician, so I took it.

When we went to see him, he had to use a q-tip to extract the little white tip. Poor Marcus cried his painful cry and all I could do was sit there. The doctor told us he thinks its a boil caused by Staph. Scary, but he gave us antibiotics (which I hate, but give when necessary) and a topical. We should hear back in a couple of days to see if its the really bad kind.

So please say a prayer for my Marcus that this is easily curable and his pain is minimal. Poor boy can't lie on his back, so its difficult to get him to sleep. Every time you put him on his tummy, he just rolls over and his head hits the bed, which makes him cry...I feel so bad. I wish I could make him feel better, but Tylenol is all I can do at this point. Oh yeah, and he's teething. Fun fun.

Why Me Wednesday

2009-01-21T13:19:00.005-06:00

Update:

I won! I won! Woohoo! I won!

And finally........ the GRAND PRIZE winner goes to: Tricia (no not me) AKA Mrs B. Who posted the favorite among the judges "Happiness is knowing one day my kids will have kids just like them" Oh as if THAT doesn't get me through each day!!! You have won 24 tarts of 8 different scents!!!!

Did you see that? Twenty four tarts in eight different scents from Dream Tarts! Yeah, go me!

So Tricia has started an awesome Wednesday ritual. Complaining about the essentials and inconsequentials of life. Since it's the first Why Me Wednesday, I'll keep it light.

Belle decided it would be a good idea to unroll all the toilet paper in the bathroom and leave it on the floor...why me?
She then thought it would be a good idea to unwrap a tampon and through it into the toilet, plastic 'launcher' and all. Lucky me I got to pull it out...why me?
Marcus had to go to the doctor's today and since we let my father-in-law borrow the truck, it means we only have one vehicle. I had to drop Mr. B off at work, which means at 9 PM, I get to pack all the kids in the Explorer and drive half an hour to pick him up...why me?
My free Clinique cleanser I got yesterday, the kids thought it would be great fun to dump it all on the floor...why me?

I also want to mention that Tricia is running a contest over at her blog. It is all about happiness. You know, the exact thing my blog is ALL about! :) Either way, I am entering...I totally want to win the awesome prize. Good luck!

Let Me Explain

2009-01-20T11:15:00.002-06:00

I received a comment from Amanda for the post "This Weekend Sucked."

She wrote:

You are not going to like me.And BTW, I know its easy to pass judgement on a 2 sec. tid bi of your life. I know there is more to your story....That being said, I feel like you have some feelings toward this baby that aren't fair. I feel like you have not given this situation over to God.Can you imagine... what if you TOTALLY embraced this baby??? What if you brought this baby into your home? What if thats what God wanted you to do? YOU can create a scene of love and accpetance. YOU can foster in total love and peace. YOU can give this other baby more love then you knew you could give. And you know who profits from that? YOUR kids. You set the example and You are the criteria for which they model their own behavior. You have a big opportunity here... set aside hurt and fear and frustration and rejection and pain... Give it to God.Start a-new. Give your family...that baby... s fresh start in an environment of love.I know you have made choices about this baby based on what you know and feel... but what does God want you to do about it? Does He really think you need to shelter your kids from it? Or would He just accept and love?Sorry if I have offended you.Just my opinion.God bless-Amanda

So I wanted to respond, but I couldn't find her email address on her blog, so I am going to post here. Maybe other's have thought the same thing, so I want to be honest and true and let you know where I am.

First, Amanda, you are right. I do have feelings toward the baby that are unfair. He is a representation of the betrayal and although I know its not his fault, it is still a constant reminder. That being said, before the child abuse allegations, I did see him every weekend. I did hold him, kiss him, hug him, talk to him, and engage him with my children. Before he was born, I would tell myself that I could be a light in his life. I could make a difference, be a safe place for him. That maybe in 18 years, I would see him as a blessing God had sent me and that I would be so grateful for him. I still hope for that. I still want that. I went as far as to ask Mr B to ask the other if she would just give him to us. For us to raise him as ours. I knew the chances were slim, but I thought that would be his best option. Even if I had to hurt the whole time, it would be the best for him. As you can see, that didn't happen.

When the allegations came to light, I felt that I needed to remove myself and only myself from the situation for a while. I prayed about it. A lot. I felt God gave me the peace to do it, but I also knew it was not a forever thing. I always pushed Mr B to see him and every weekend my kids do see him. When I went to church this past weekend, I heard God tell me what I didn't want to hear. I didn't want to face the pain again, but trusting God, that is what I am doing.

You said to "set aside hurt and fear and frustration and rejection and pain...Give it to God" and that is my daily struggle. How do you do that? Do you just pretend it never happened? How do you just not hurt anymore? How do you just not feel the pain? I don't believe that God wants you to not feel emotion. I believe feeling the emotion and conquering it is what heals you. That is what I am striving for. That is what this blog is for. I come here to be able to journal my true feelings. I also spend a lot of time in prayer. Talking to God guides me. I am not perfect. I make mistakes, but I am dealing with this situation, a situation I did not create, to the best of my abilities.

Whenever I do see the baby I don't shun him...I push through the pain and fake the happiness. That is the best I can do at this point. The death of my old self and my old dreams is a hard thing to grieve. I want to adore this baby. I want to miss him when he's not here, but how do you fake feelings? I can fake the actions, but I don't know how to fake the feelings.

So thank you for taking the time to voice your concern. All you said is Very True and perhaps if I were a stronger person, I would be able to be the selfless heroine. Unfortunately, I am a broken sinner who struggles every day just to make it through.

Laughter Lives Tuesday!

2009-01-20T01:04:00.003-06:00

This post is part of "Laughter Lives! Tuesday" on the Riggs Family Blog. Check our their blog to read everyone else's "Laughter Lives!" posts.

My sweet Belley-Girl. She is an angel, a helper, little mama, and sometimes T.R.O.U.B.L.E.

I went down stairs with a basket full of laundry. Belle had her back to me, vigorously hiding what she was doing. "Belle, whatcha up to?" Knowing that she was caught, she proudly held up her right leg towards me and showed off the artistic skills of Van Gough on four of her toes...in bright red nail polish. "Look Mama! Pretty Piggies!"

Looks like the Big Bad Wolf got to those piggies
-

Free High End Cosmetics Tomorrow Only

2009-01-19T18:51:00.002-06:00

To all my awesome readers out there, many stores including Dillards, Nordstrom, and Macys will be giving away cosmetics as part of a class action lawsuit. See here & here for details. So my question is, since I use cheap makeup, is there anything on this list worth the 15 minute drive? Oh, and your welcome.

This Weekend Sucked

2009-01-19T14:00:00.003-06:00

Saturday, Mr B spent the day at his moms with the baby. He then tells me he wants to spend the night over there with him. Maybe I shouldn't have been, but I was upset. Our kids don't get that kind of time with Mr B, let alone, one on one time. All the weeks sadness and hurt came to the surface and I just started to cry. So he told me he understood and he would spend his evening with us. Mr B then went out with our brother in law to dump some stuff. They ended up drinking -by the way, I told Mr B next time he got drunk, I was leaving- and Mr B had too much. I was talking to him on the phone and he kept saying he wanted to come pick me up and we could go out. We were at my moms and the kids were in bed, so it would be no big deal, but I didn't want to go to a bar, thinking at the time that I was pregnant and I didn't want to be around him while he was drunk. I was FUMING...so mad. I told him I didn't want to go to a bar and he said we wouldn't. I asked where we would be going and he just kept saying "Out". I was beyond done with the conversation. I told him I didn't want to go. He said he would drop our brother in law off and then be over. (Yes, he was driving, which made the whole thing even worse)

When he finally made it over he wanted to talk and denied that he had too much to drink...ok, I know when Mr B is drunk and he was. So I asked him what I should do and he told me that he would ask permission to drink from now on. That is not what I want. He is a big boy and needs to make decisions on his own. Me making him quit is not going to work. Seriously at this point, I feel like he should just go stay with his parents...we could separate for a while and he could get to know the baby without worrying what I am going to think. He says he will stop. He will only drink if he is with me and I say its ok...whatever...I am tired of dealing with the whole mess.

The next day, we go to church. Pastor Clint talks about hero's. About excellence. How being excellent is "doing the best you can with what you've got." He talked about living by faith and the legacy you leave behind. I could hear God talking to me. I cried...I didn't want to hear it. I don't want to do it. I want to be done. I want to start over. - None of that is in God's plans. I told Mr B last night that I would start to see the baby again, but only at his mom's house so I could continue to keep our kids protected. He is planning on having the baby spend the night on Friday, so we will be staying with my mom. The anxiety has returned. The hurt and the unhappiness is back, but I know I am doing what God wants and at the end, only good things can come from his will. So I am stepping out in faith knowing God is going to hold me up.

It sucks to feel like your husband has a separate life from you. I hate that he loves the baby...I know that its not the baby's fault, but I can't help but not like him. I am praying that God gives me a love for him. That God gives me a yearning to see him, like I do with my own, but right now, I don't. So here I go...Journeying on a life I don't want and a pain I can't heal. Its all in God's hands now.

His Health ~ Chapter 11

2009-01-19T13:04:00.001-06:00

1. How would you describe your husband's general health? I would say his health is good. He could eat better and he doesn't get to work out as often as he would like, but when he notices a weight gain, he pushes himself to make healthier decisions.

2. Are there specific areas of your husband's health that concern you? The only thing that concerns me is that when he is sick or has a symptom of a serious problem, he won't go to the doctor unless I make the appointment and I make him. Once, he had to give three stool samples and I had to lay down a major guilt trip for him to do it. I want him to be proactive about his health. I am so afraid he won't go to the doctor for something that could have been taken care of, but instead it festers into something really bad.

3. Are there and specific areas of your husband's physical health that you are concerned about possibly being a problem in the future? Explain. Not really.

4. Does your husband have good or bad habits when it comes to taking care of his health? Describe and be specific. He could eat better, but a lot of that is my fault because he will eat whatever I make for dinner. I need to make our dinners more healthy.

5. Does your husband have good intentions but poor follow-through, good intentions and good follow-through, or does he have no intentions at all when it comes to taking care of his health? Describe. Good intentions but poor follow-through. He always says he is going to do things, but he doesn't put forward the effort. This applies to many areas of his life.

6. Does your husband have particular habits that bother you because they undermine his health? Explain what they are. Would you describe your attitude about his health habits as being pleasantly patient, cheerfully convicting, or notoriously nagging? Explain. Alcohol. Even though he doesn't drink very often, when he does, he doesn't know his limit. He thinks he is fine to drive and when he gets home, he falls asleep quickly and is dead to the world. He also acts like a different person when he is drunk. He is never mean, but kind of a wuss...I can't be angry with him at the time because it does no good. Besides alcohol, I am pretty patient with him on his health. He goes to the physicals I set up once a year and if I have to nag him for follow up, I will.

7. Are there things you have tried to get your husband to do for his health, but he just won't do them? What are they? How does that make you feel when he won't take your suggestions to heart? What do you think he should be doing for his health? I wish we could go work out in the morning together. He doesn't leave for work until 11 AM, so I would like to get up around 8.30 and go together...he would rather sleep. I understand that, because I feel that way now, but I know it would be so much better if we went to the gym.

8. Read Proverbs 16:24 In light of the Scripture, how can you contribute to your husband's health? By saying things pleasantly to him.

9. Read 2 Kings 20:5 What does this Scripture promise to those who pray fervently? Healing.

Not Me Monday...Part 6

2009-01-19T12:14:00.005-06:00

MckMama and her MckFollowers are running a muck over there with their Not-Me's. Click on the button to join in.

What a weekend. So many things I dared to never do, dared to never say, and dared to never eat...so here we go.

I did not take three pregnancy tests this weekend, just to get my period today. Good grief, I spotted for ten days prior to my period, had the nausea, headaches, and all other symptoms, all to find out I'm not pregnant. Glad I could live through that hell, just to cramp like crazy today. Oh well.

I did not start to hyperventilate when I found out what it is going to cost to send Belle to pre-school twice a week. I then did not just about fall off of my chair when I came to the realization that after Belle, the very next year, Raef will start and the next year after that, Marcus. And what?!? It's not tax deductible for private tuition!?! Unbelievable!

Since I don't eat pork, I didn't venture over to the "wild side" and try turkey sausage...definitely not as good as pork...

I totally committed that I would go to the gym this morning, so when my alarm clock went off, I didn't rationalize in my head that since Marcus was asleep in my arms, it would be unwise to start working out today. Why wake the baby? Tuesday is just as good as any day to start...I'm totally not regretting that decision now. Get behind me Satan!!!

I did not have to give my husband an ultimatum this weekend...its either alcohol or us...(ok, I did and it sucked - he picked us)

Last Night

2009-01-16T18:22:00.008-06:00

So last night I was in a BIT of a bad mood...so my dear husband comes home, not having done anything wrong, but knowing its been a trying day. I am trying to control my attitude and it just comes out as one word conversations and shifty eyes. It starts hitting the fan when Raef starts rubbing his macaroni and cheese all over the glass topped kitchen table, followed by Belle repeating over and over "I don't want a big girl cup, I want a sippy cup...Sippy Cup....Sippy Cup!!!!!" Then, as I try to multi task between the apple juice and the watery cheese dripping onto the kitchen floor, I see that someone has put the letter magnets into the dogs bowl...super awesome!

---So this is my conversation with Mr B seconds before I completely lose it---

Mr B: (he has embraced me in a hug and is speaking softly in my ear) "You don't have to do anything tonight. I will take care of everything. You just go down stairs and relax. We can watch The Office and just veg. Then later, I will rub your shoulders and then you can take a nice shower."

---Obviously he has notices my lack of clean hair and no deodorant.---

Me: (sigh....) "That sounds great. I love you."

Mr B: "Then later on, I will sex you up."

His Choices ~ Chapter 10

2009-01-16T13:05:00.003-06:00

1. Do you feel your husband generally makes good decisions? Why or Why Not? Yes, I believe he makes good decisions most of the time, being the man that he is now. We both pray over things before we make any big decisions.

2. Do you often see or sense things instinctively that your husband doesn't? How does he react to this? Does he see or sense things that you don't? How do you react to this? I do sense things and he takes my advice and my intuitions very seriously. I appreciate that my thoughts matter and not only do they matter, they are usually a critical part of any decision that ends up being made.

3. Does your husband ask your advice before making major decisions or choices with significant ramifications? Why or Why not? Always. He sees us as a team and any decisions he would make would affect both of us. I would say I make more decisions and tell him about it later than he does. I need to work on that.

4. When you give your husband advice, does he weigh it carefully before making and major decisions or choices? How does that make you feel? How can your prayers help him to make wise choices? He always considers my advice carefully. I think he knows I have a good sense about things and can see possibilities that he may not. It makes me feel great that he sees me as an important role. I hope by praying, it will help Mr B to open his eyes to things I am unable to convince him of. Mostly having to do with dealing with The Other.

5. Read Proverbs 1:7 Does your husband seek God before making decisions? Does he wait for God's leading before acting? Explain. I believe in some areas (like applying for a promoted position) Mr B does seek out God's will. When it comes to other things that he considers insignificant, he goes forward with what he thinks is best.

6. Proverbs 1:5 Write this as a prayer over your husband inserting his name. Let Mr B also hear and gain in learning and also acquire a discerning skill

7. Is there any area in which you think your husband consistently makes poor choices? Pray specifically for this. - Yes, I think with the baby he needs to be more cautious. I don't know what The Other is capable of, but I fear her angry spirit. I don't think there is anything she wouldn't do to get what she wants, but Mr B doesn't take the proper steps to protect himself.

8. Proverbs 11:14 Are there godly people with whom your husband could seek counsel regarding certain decisions? Who are they? If not pray for this in your husband's life. Other than myself or our pastor, I am not sure there is. He is very private and doesn't like to share his feelings or ask others for advice.

9. Write a prayer for your husband regarding godly counselors to impart understanding and direction to your husband. Lord, I pray that You will bring into Mr B's life people whom he can trust, can confide in, and can seek counsel. I pray that You direct his steps and give him the understanding that we are not supposed to do life by ourselves, but surround ourselves with Godly people who can help to balance out the work of our enemy.

Pregnancy Test...Update 2

2009-01-16T11:38:00.002-06:00

Negative...We'll see tomorrow.

How Do I Give Hard Days To God?

2009-01-15T17:03:00.003-06:00

Mr B left his phone home today and my curiosity got the best of me. I found text messages to The Other that are appropriate and about the baby, but they are so hard to read. Hard for me to hear him tell her how beautiful he is...how much he loves him. It just sucks so much. I wanted to be the only one he would say that too. I wanted our kids to be the only one he felt that way about. I know that he has to feel that way about all his kids, but I wanted him to just have kids with me, you know? I haven't cried in this kind of way in a long time and it just hurts. To be reminded of it all again. To know that he loves another child that's not mine. I don't even know how to deal with my emotions properly. I just want to sleep...to escape the pain. But I can't. I have the kids here and I want to be engaged with them. I hate, hate, hate the way my life is now. Divided, not just between the two of us. I want to be the only one, you know? I want to have our family whole. I read a quote this morning, before all my pain came flooding out and I really get it now.

Part of every misery is, so to speak, the misery's shadow or reflection: the fact that you don't merely suffer but have to keep on thinking about the fact that you suffer. I not only live each endless day in grief, but live each day thinking about living each day in grief. -C. S. Lewis

He says it so well. Some days I just live in total misery. AWWWW!!! I know its Satan and I have told him to leave, but the pain remains. Am I to just push it aside and pretend like its not there? I don't feel like that will help me deal with the problem.

So the question is, how do you just Give it to God? I understand the concept, but how do you leave the worry, sadness, regret, sorrow, and devastation behind? How do you truly let God have it?

Mother Of The Year Award...Oh, Wait!?!

2009-01-15T15:39:00.002-06:00

I'm doing the happy dance...wiggle, wiggle, wiggle....hold stillllllll....

Thanks Nutty Mom!!! So I'm passing it on to those who I love getting comments from! Congratulations!

Mom on a Coulee - I totally covet her house...what a view!
Ang - Always supportive. I really look forward to your comments.
Jenn - Amazing strength...she is living through tragedy with such grace.
This Heidi & This Heidi - If you ever need to have a good laugh, the Heidis are your girls.
Christy - Love you girl!
Tricia - My favorite mom of six kids!

There you have it! Congratulations!

The Office

2009-01-15T15:27:00.005-06:00

Could this show be any funnier?

His Purpose ~ Chapter 9

2009-01-15T12:57:00.002-06:00

1.Do you have a sense of what your husband's purpose in life is, or who God created him to be?What is that? Mr B and I both believe that he is supposed work with troubled youth. He is supposed to be doing a class at church and we even talked about getting in on starting a 12 step program for youths at our church, but Mr B is such a procrastinator and even though he has the best intentions, he still hasn't done any of it.

2.Does your husband have an understanding of God's call on his life? What is his understanding of it?
I don't know that he has an understanding, but he knows the direction he is supposed to go. I think if he would just take the first step, God would move in amazing ways.

3.Do you feel your husband is fulfilling the call God has on his life? Not yet
Is he living in the purpose in which God has created for him? Not yet

4. How would you like to see your husband move into what God has called him to be? He has all the doors in front of him, he knows where he can reach out to, but he just needs to do it. My goodness, we had a neighbor move in about four months ago, Belle and I took them cookies and we found out he was a juvenile parole officer...what more can God do? Our kids aren't old enough to be arrested!

5. Write Ephesians 1:17-19 as a prayer over your husband inserting his name.
I pray that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of glory, may give Mr B a spirit of wisdom and revelation as Mr B comes to know Him, so that with the eyes of Mr B's heart enlightened, Mr B may know what is the hope of which he has called Mr B, what are the riches of His glorious inheritance among the saints, and what is the immeasurable greatness of His power for us who believe, according to the working of His great power.

6. Write Psalm 20:4 as a prayer over your husband.
May He grant Mr B his heart's desire and fulfill all his plans.

7. Have you sought God about the call on your life? If so, what is it?
I believe my call has always been to be a support to a man who is somehow connected to the ministry. I always thought I would be a preacher's wife and maybe someday, I will be. I believe God is really pulling Mr B in a big way to do His will. I keep telling Mr B that the reason he has such issues at work is because he has no fulfillment. He should be going after his calling, but he isn't. Until Mr B is in his calling, I will be unable to be in mine.

8.The call on your life and on your husband's life will never be in conflict. If they seem to be, ask God to clarify that to you. It may have to be with timing. How do you see God working out His call on both of your lives? (If you don't know write a prayer asking Him to reveal that to you) Like I said previously, we are a ying and yang. We need each other to be able to complete our purpose, but I can't do it without him and he can't do it without me.9. If your husband is already moving in the call God has on his life, the enemy will try to cast doubt and discouragement into his soul. Do you ever see that happening? How can you support him in prayer to help keep that from happening? I do see that. I see that he gets down on himself at work, therefore doesn't have the drive to move forward outside of work. I made him promise me he would call about volunteering last week and he did promise, but when I asked him on Saturday, he told me he didn't and that he had just been too busy. All I can do is pray that God gives him an intense motivation to drive after the opportunities God is setting in front of him.

Prayer

Enable his to walk worthy of his calling and become the man of God You made him to be. Continue to remind him of what You've called him to and don't let him get sidetracked with things that are unessential to Your purpose. Strike down discouragement so that it will not defeat him. Life his eyes above the circumstances of the moment so he can see the purpose for which You created him. Give him patience to wait for Your perfect timing. I pray that the desires of his heart will not be in conflict with the desires of Yours. May he seek You for direction and hear when You speak to his soul.

His Fears ~ Chapter 8

2009-01-14T16:52:00.002-06:00

Today, I am going to answer questions from the accompanying work book for The Power of a Praying Wife.

1. List any fears you know your husband has. Do you share any of those fears? Why? Failing, not being good enough, looking weak, being weak - I guess the only one I really identify with is not being good enough, but only in our relationship. I don't worry about not being a good wife, but I do worry about his perception. You know, the grass always looks greener on the other side. I really believe that Mr B could have been married to Angelina Jolie and he still would have cheated. I guess that's the scary part.

2. Ask your husband if there are any fears that he has that he would like you to pray specifically for. Are there any that he mentioned that was not in your list from question 1, or that you weren't aware of? Failure, God, Losing My Family

3. How have your husbands fears affected you? Failure - This one has affected me by him not balancing his work life and his home life. He wants to badly to be successful, that he doesn't have boundaries for work.
Losing My Family - I think this affects me in a good way because he works harder and puts in an effort that I don't think he saw as being necessary before. Although I don't want him to think that I could leave for any infraction, I think its good that he knows he needs to stay on the straight and narrow as much as possible, that messing up to that magnitude again is not worth the price.

4. Read 1John 4:18 in your Bible. What takes away fear? Love...can I say that I don't get this verse? Only perfect love comes from God right? So since Mr B will never give perfect love, will I always fear? I didn't fear before, but now I do and his love wasn't perfect back then either.

5. Who is the only one in the universe who has perfect love? Who should you pray will penetrate your husband's life? God. Thank goodness for that! Without God, I feel like our relationship would be so empty. Of course I would have stayed, mostly for the kids, but with God involved and loving us with His perfect love, we have only become stronger.

6. Read Psalm 27:1 When God is you strength, of whom should you be afraid? No one. I know this is easy to comprehend in my head, but my heart has trouble with it. Its so hard to wrap your mind around. God is invisible and even though I KNOW through faith He is real, its still hard to never be afraid. I know He has my best interest. I know He has the best path for me...I know these things in my head. But when something comes along, like a social worker, it is hard not to be afraid. I guess its overcoming the "flesh" or human side of yourself and asking God to give you divine peace.

7. Read Psalm 34:4 in your Bible. In light of this Scripture how could you pray for your husband so that he would be set free from fear? Seeking after the Lord. Truthfully, what does that mean? I am looking for answers through the Bible. Going to church and diligently paying attention and spending time in prayer, having an open dialogue with God. Is that what it means to "seek" the Lord?

This chapter really was a loop back to the chapter of His Mind. I feel like his fears are irrational and only due to the false thoughts he has. Its not as if he is in a trailer with a tornado heading straight towards him...that would be real fear, but he fears baseless thoughts that aren't rooted in reality. Not being good enough at work - Mr B got home from work around 9.30 last night, went back in for a meeting at 6.30 this morning and won't get off until 9.30 tonight. His numbers are number one in the company and he is a tremendous leader. I don't see why these thoughts affect him, but maybe he works so hard because he is always trying to prove himself. When we were in counseling, the counselor asked Mr B if he thought of himself as a failure, because he couldn't keep up with the impossible demands at work which led him to drink. Mr B said yes. The counselor then asked, if you aren't naturally good at something, does that make you a failure. Mr B said yes. The counselor then said, well, I have never learned to ice skate, therefore, I am not good at it. Does that make me a failure? Mr B said, "Yes. If you can't succeed at something, no matter what it is, you are a failure.". Instead of looking at his accomplishments, the enemy has gotten him to focus on the things that he can't succeed at. Besides praying, how can I turn this around? I am going to praise him more often...he doesn't hardly get any of that at work, but that is another issue. The enemy really has a hold on his mind. I hate that. He is so sneaky.

Wordless Wednesday...Part 3 & With Words

2009-01-14T16:19:00.004-06:00

Caught Belle with Mr B's razor* and Raef** with shaving gel in his hair. Nough said***.

*I did take the razor away when I went to get the camera

**Yes, that is marinara sauce all over Raef's mouth

***I do believe I should be up for mother of the year

Pregnancy Test...Update 1

2009-01-14T15:53:00.003-06:00

So I got up this morning about 5.30 AM...peed on the stick and only one line. For you novice's out there, that means Not Pregnant. I will take another on Friday and will let you know then. :)

His Mind ~ Chapter 7

2009-01-12T22:24:00.003-06:00

"If he and I were one, then an assault on his mind was an assault on me as well. I could stand with him in the battle by declaring, "This is not God speaking into my husband's life, it's the voice of the enemy. I'm not going to stand by and watch deadly games being played with his mind and our lives."
I have never thought of it this way. We are ONE. An assault on him IS an assault on me.

"He doesn't always see the traps of an enemy who wants him to believe that what he faces insurmountable. His mind fills with words like hopeless, no good, failure, impossible, it's over and why try?"
Mr B has these things running through his mind constantly. He has been telling me about it a lot lately. I just thought it was his chemical imbalance and tried to just give him encouraging words. I now see that it indeed is the enemy. He comes to destroy and taking down Mr B's self esteem is a pit he can't climb out of without Gods help. This also applies to me. I need it just as much and will be praying for Mr B, myself and our relationship.

"The two most powerful weapons against the attack of lies upon your husband's mind are the Word of God and praise."
I am really seeing what she means. Mr B, just this weekend, has really started reading the Bible. I feel God has been listening and even prepping Mr B for this chapter. I am so excited.

"I remind him that God has not given him a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind. I tell him I'm praying for him to claim to that sound mind at all times."
With Mr B's family history of chemical imbalance, he has had a tough time with depression and feeling like since he can't do everything, he is a failure. This is not of God. He wants Mr B to be confident and not fear.

Prayer

I pray for Your protection on my husband's mind. Shield him fro the lies of the enemy. Help him to clearly discern between Your voice and any other, and show him how to take every thought captive as You have instructed us to do. Give him strength to resist lying thoughts. Where the enemy's lies have already invaded his thoughts, I push them back by inviting the power of the Holy Spirit to cleanse his mind. By the authority given to me in Christ, I command all lying spirits away from my husband's mind. He will not entertain confusion, but live in clarity. He will not be tormented with impure, evil, negative, or sinful thoughts, but be transformed by the renewing of his mind...may Your peace, which surpasses all understanding, guard his heart and mind through Christ...whatever things are true, noble, just, pure, lovely, of good report, having virtue, or anything praiseworthy, let him think on these things.

I felt like this chapter said it all. I always saw his chemical imbalance as a disease, but I never thought to pray for healing like I would if it were a disease. Of course I know God has the power to heal anything, but I just never thought of it in those terms. I also never thought of it as Satan messing with his head...it was always just his lack of chemicals. My eyes have been opened. Wow...I think prayer in this area could help most of all. It was his depression and low self worth that led him to self medicate which also led to the affairs. I am so excited about this. The grip of his fear when he is off his medication is overwhelming. It takes over his personality and he becomes a different person. Wow, the things that are possible.

His Temptations ~ Chapter 6

2009-01-12T12:41:00.001-06:00

"The enemy of our souls knows where our flesh is the weakest and he will put temptations in our paths at our most vulnerable points."
I know that Satan knows us better than we know ourselves. He knows our buttons and knows how to destroy us. Although Mr B must take full responsibility for the decisions he made, I am also aware the Satan is behind this too and I refuse to let him win. That's what he wants, to destroy me, destroy Mr B and destroy our family. Its hard to keep that in mind when it hurts so bad, but I know its true.

Prayer

I pray that You would strengthen my husband to resist any temptation that comes his way. Make him strong where he is weak. Establish a wall of protection around him. Fill him with Your Spirit and flush out all that is not of You. Help him to take charge over his own spirit and have self-control to resist anything and anyone who becomes a lure. May he "abhor what is evil. Cling to what is good." I pray that he will be repulsed by tempting situations.

This was a hard chapter to read. I know that sometimes women push men away. That women are not the wives their husbands need. That wives sometimes forget about their husbands altogether. By no means am I perfect, but I can tell you I ALWAYS put his thoughts, feelings, needs before my own. She writes in the beginning of the chapter how it almost seemed to be the wifes fault. I hate that...I know I was the best wife I could be. Sure, I need to pray more, I need to work on myself, but I can honestly say that I gave him no reason to cheat. I only know that alcohol played a large part and when a man is willing to give himself to that over his family, he is already too far gone. That just led to more...I don't even want to go there...I feel Satan close by, playing on my insecurities and I refuse to let him get one inch. I love my husband and we are doing 1000 times better. Almost all of the time, he is the man I want to live my whole life with. I will continue to pray.

Not Me Monday...Part 5

2009-01-12T10:39:00.006-06:00

Here we are again. Another glorious Monday. Oh, the hilarity of last week. Here we go.

Ms. Belle did not tell my mom that she hurt her *ahem* lady area. When my mom inquired if she was ok, Belle did not say, "Grandma, it hurts...will you kiss it".

I don't ever fight with Mr B and I certainly don't yell out at him that "I'm PREGNANT" just to win an argument. If I am pregnant, I was totally planning to surprise him for Valentines Day, so yelling it at him is totally not something I would do.

I did not buy a four pack of pregnancy tests yesterday even though I am not supposed to get my period for another 5 days. I haven't already peed on two...they were negative...(they really were negative. I will take another Wednesday and another Friday...between you and me "WOO HOO!" I am not ready to be pregnant again, but if God sends us the blessing, I will be more than happy to accept another gift)...back to Not Me's...

I didn't get an enormous craving for rotisserie chicken at 2 AM and then proceed to the grocery store in my husband's Darth Vader pajama pants to claim my victory. I would never pout when there were NO rotisserie chickens and instead by a pair of $9 chicken breasts instead. I then didn't come home and spend an hour cooking said breasts, while my cravings started to make me hallucinate. Mr B didn't wake up right when they finished and eat one while I ate the other as we watched season two of The Office...craving TOTALLY satisfied. I didn't notice today that their wrapper said "Turkey"...huh?

I don't secretly wish that I was the husband and Mr B was the wife.

I didn't meet the most amazing Pomeranian this weekend and then make Mr B promise to get me one. I mean, we have two German Shepherds...a Pomeranian is a tasty snack. I haven't already started picking out names and dreaming of Christmas dresses...

Coleman Scott

2009-01-09T22:18:00.002-06:00

A sweet little five year old boy lost his battle with cancer on Monday. His name is Coleman Scott. Please pray for his family, especially his twin brother Caden. I found this parable on his website. It really inspired me, so I am passing it to you.

Once upon a time, twin boys were conceived in the same womb. Weeks passed and the twins developed. As their awareness grew, they laughed for joy, “isn’t it great that we were conceived? Isn’t it great to be alive?”Together the twins explored their world. When they found their mother’s cord that gave them life, they sang for joy, “how great is our Mother’s love, that she shares her own life with us!”As weeks stretched into months, the twins noticed how much each was changing. “what does it mean?” asked the one. “It means that our stay in this world is drawing to an end, said the other. “But I don’t want to go”, said the other, “but maybe there is life after birth.” But how can there be?” responded the other one. “We will shed our life cord, and how is life possible without it? Besides, we have seen evidence that others were here before us and none of them have returned to tell us that there is life after birth. No, this is the end.”And so the one fell into deep despair, saying, “If conception ends in birth, what is the purpose of life in the womb? It is meaningless! Maybe there is no mother after all?” “But there has to be,” protested the other. “How else did we get here? How do we remain alive?”How you ever seen our mother?” said one. “Maybe she lives only in our minds. Maybe we made her up because the idea made us feel good?”And so the last days in the womb were filled with deep questioning and fear. Finally, the moment of birth arrived. When the twins had passed from their world, they opened their eyes and cried for joy. For what they saw exceeded their fondest dreams.
Author Unknown

His Affection ~ Chapter 5

2009-01-09T18:22:00.001-06:00

"God worked on Patti. He spoke to her about obeying Him in the area of eating right and getting proper exercise..."
I totally need to get my butt back to the gym. I could lose a few pounds even though I have lost the baby weight, but I definitely need some definition. I also find when I work out, I have more energy and I am in a better mood. I am starting this on Monday...seriously this time!

So affection isn't really a problem for us. Mr B likes to hold hands, he always gives me a kiss hello or goodbye...that is one of the things I really like about him. I am kind of a needy person in that I always need that reassurance and he is good about giving it to me. Another thing I really like about Mr B is that when he gives me a hug or rubs my shoulder, there are no ulterior motives. He isn't doing it to get laid. He just does it because it is second nature to us. I also really appreciate it that he is affectionate with the kids. However, sometimes I find myself a bit jealous that Mr B will shower Belle with kisses and I don't get it to that degree...maybe I am just being a baby. I am really glad that he is affectionate with her, but sometimes, I wish the way he lighted up around her, he would light up that way around me. I guess its different...I'm not complaining, I do know how blessed I am. I guess it's not really affection I want...its the adoration. I just want to be adored. Does that make me a diva? :)

Prayer

Help us to demonstrate how much we care for and value each other...Enable us to be warm, tender, compassionate, loving and adoring.

Friday Freebie...Part 2

2009-01-09T11:11:00.004-06:00

Update:

I so won! Wohoo! I guess brown nosing totally works, huh Ang?!? :) Come on over and I'll share my viddles with you!

Today, Ms. Heidi is givin away all the fixins' for a yummy family dinner. You know, the staples, spaghetti, sauce, brownies, green beans, brownies, olives...did I say brownies? Mmmm...

His Sexuality ~ Chapter 4

2009-01-08T19:06:00.003-06:00

Not for the faint hearted...you've been warned.

So, I didn't highlight anything in this chapter. Mr B and I have sex regularly and if anyone gets turned down, its me. I have more of an appetite for it than he does, but that is due to his medicine. One thing we have been working on though is his approach and his "get right to it" attitude. For me to have a good time, I need a little something before hand. It took him nine years to understand what I was saying to him, but he finally got it and we do a good job practicing it. Another thing we are working on is having sex during the week because once on Sundays, right before church is not enough for me. Is that TMI? If so, just forget I said it. :) That's another thing, he wants to be spontaneous, but that always means while I am getting dressed to go somewhere we are already late for and the kids are all awake...like the worst possible time.

We were actually talking the other night, right after the hot chocolate and strawberry milk, I was saying, if he woke up in the middle of the night and wanted to, go for it...then I said, "You know, if it was me who wanted to in the middle of the night, you would tell me you were too tired and roll back over to go to sleep."...he admitted I was right and we both laughed.

One other thing she doesn't address a lot is the fact that when we are in the middle of it, I can't concentrate. I am thinking of those other women. I know its the enemy and last night I told him to get out! I think I just need to practice that. I also need to get my butt back to the gym and get back in shape. I feel too jiggly...I hate not being confident, you know? When I feel good about myself, I want to be with him even more.

Another thing that Mr B is struggling with that I had no idea about was internet porn. After we went and saw Fireproof, (in the movie, he has a problem with porn) Mr B confessed it to me and told me he had already stopped, but wanted me to know...thought I should know. The other night, he was on the computer and an add popped up. He said he thought about it for a minute then clicked the ad off. He said he realized later he was being tested and he passed. I am really proud of him for making progress and telling me about it, even though he knew I wouldn't find out.

Ok, was that enough? Now you know just about it all...nitty gritty...well, I could go on, but I will spare you. :)

Six Descriptive Words

2009-01-08T16:13:00.002-06:00

Mama Kat is having a feel good/bad about yourself marathon...ok, my words not hers. Here is the question:

Ask a loved one to use 6 descriptive words to describe you and report your findings. How well do they know you?

So I asked Mr B, all through text messages of course and here's how it goes.

My Text
I need the top six words you would use to describe me. Be honest.

His Text
Beautiful, honest, extroverted or outgoing, intelligent, upstream thinker (or any other one word that best describes that characteristic), and gullible. What about me? I want to play?

My Text
Do you mean forward thinker, like out side the box or I think ahead like into the future?

His Text
Both, I'd say in depth thinker, but how do you sum that up into one word?

My Text
I have 7 not in any particular order. Understanding, generous, charismatic, selfless, romantic, gorgeous and funny.

Now isn't that all so sweet? Except I think he could have left gullible out...even if it is VERY true and I told him to be honest, I don't think I really meant it. So I am replacing it with Extremely Talented. Its my blog, I'll change his answer, change the rules, and you will like it. Thanks for liking it...I am honest....and beautiful. Don't forget beautiful.

So there you have it.

Me:
Beautiful
Honest
Outgoing
Intelligent
In depth Thinker
Extremely Talented

I accept my award with total humility....

BFF

2009-01-08T11:37:00.004-06:00

Mr B called me on his way home last night and this is how the conversation went:

Him: When I don't achieve something, do you feel like I'm a failure?

**Kinda caught off guard...usually, there is at least a greeting

Him: (Mostly to himself) I'm not asking this right...(Back to me) When I fail, do you think of me as a loser? Like I didn't try hard enough or I would have succeeded?

Me: No, of course not.

Him: Do you not say things to spare my feelings?

Me: What? Ummmmm... (Now thorougly confused)

Him: I mean, do you not say things because you are afraid I will be mad?

Me: No, I tell you things I need to say, I just think them through before I say them.

Him: Ok..

**I can hear in the background that the radio is really loud. Its a talk show and I can hear Mr B trying to repeat what the host is saying.

Him: Ok, ok...Do you ever feel like you have to walk on eggshells around me?

Me: No.

Him: Good, good...Do you feel like you can't bring up certain topics with me?

Me: No.

Him: Alright...(talking to himself)...that's 1,2,3,4...there's another one...Oh, I know...(back to me)...Do I ever make you feel bad about yourself.

Me: No...you make me feel great about myself. What is all this about? Did I answer them right?

Him: Yes you answered them right. I am listening to this show on the radio and they are talking about best friends...and you are my best friend!!!

***He sounded so giddy about it...like there might be a chance we were mortal enemies, but the quiz just turned that upside down and we were indeed friends. Just not friends, but BEST.FRIENDS.

When he got home, he had a huge grin on his face, slapped me a high five and said, "Sup BFF!!!"...

Sometimes I wonder about that man...he is too funny.

His Finances ~ Chapter 3

2009-01-07T19:47:00.001-06:00

"Pray that he becomes a giving person who is content to live within his means and not always strive for more...A man deserves to earn what his work is worth and his wife should pray he does."
Mr B is very generous. He has made it known to me that we will tithe, whether we can afford it or not. That is something I really respect about him. He does have a tendency to want things we can't afford and to his credit, when I tell him it's not in the budget, he understands. Actually, he will go as far as to not fill his prescriptions when we are low on cash...that is something I hate. If its a necessity, it comes first...screw the cable. I am praying for him that he gets the pay he deserves. He works very hard and I think the lack of compensation he is dealing with makes him feel undervalued.

"God wants your husband to find treasure in Him, not in finances."
We are working on this one together. Although money to us is a tool, it sometimes can fuel a desire for things we want. We both know we are happier when we do what the Lord wants.

Out of this entire book, this chapter may be the only one I can gloss over... :). Not that we don't have financial issues, but it never brings tension between us. We tithe and the other bills we can't pay, for now anyway, just get shoved into a drawer until we can pay. God provides and we trust Him.

Wordless Wednesday...Part 3

2009-01-07T00:01:00.002-06:00

His Work ~ Chapter 2

2009-01-06T16:45:00.002-06:00

"...he has worked hard and long for so little reward that he no longer sees a future for himself-at least not one worth living."
Mr B works so hard to be the best and it really gets to him when he is not recognized and/or appreciated by his peers of superiors. I don't know how to help him in this. When he was 19, he rose so quickly, he was promoted faster and to a higher position for his age than anyone in the companies history and then he hit the ceiling. No where to go. It was a blow to his self esteem...its now happening with his new job...all I can do is pray for new opportunities to arise and that he goes where God wants him to be.

"...pray for his eyes to be opened to see what God wants him to do and where God is leading."
I recognize that God knows Mr B's gifts and where he should be. God knows what would make him happy and when Mr B surrenders his work to God, He will put him in a place that is fulfilling. That is what I want for my sweet husband. He has such great talent. I want him to use it, be successful, and glorify God.

"If your husband is a hard worker, make sure he has times of rest and enjoyment-to do things that entertain him and give him a reprieve from the weight of a lifetime of supporting a family. Men need periods of refreshing. If they don't have them, they are prone to burnout and temptation of all kinds."
I believe this is part of what contributed to the affairs to begin with. He was working long days, sometimes up to 16 hours and would go to the bar just about every night to let off steam. This led to other things...I hate looking back to that time. It was so unhealthy all the way around. I don't even know that man. That's not my Mr B today and I am so thankful for that. I do need to work on giving him "down time". This is just as much a prayer for him as it is for me.

Prayer Portion

"May his labor bring not only favor, success, and prosperity, but great fulfillment as well. If the work he is doing is not in line with Your perfect will for his life, reveal it to him...help him to see that he doesn't have to work himself to death for man's approval, or grasp for gain beyond what is a gift from You. Give him the ability to enjoy his success without striving for more. Help him to excel, but free him from the pressure to do so...bring You into every aspect of it...Open up doors of opportunity for him that no man can close...Show me what I can do to encourage him. I pray that his work will be established, secure, successful, satisfying, and financially rewarding."

Let the beauty of the Lord our God be upon us, and establish the work of our hands for us; yes, establish the work of our hands. ~ Psalms 90:17

Last night, I read the second chapter and as soon as Mr B got off of work, he called me. He had a hard day at work and it seems like the problems he had at his last job (where he worked and had the affairs) are starting to arise here. He puts in a lot of work, is number 1 in the company for the what he does and yet, there is no appreciation. He left his last job for his new job and left behind, at my prompting, 20% of his income. October 2008, he was there a year. He has had no review (which he was supposed to get at 6 months and 1 year) and no raise. It's just been tough on him and our finances and I think he feels like he isn't providing. Well, as we talked, I felt the Holy Spirit prompt me. In chapter 1 we are supposed to let the Holy Spirit speak through us and already here He was! I told Mr B I wanted to read out of my book when he got home. We sat on the couch and I read him all of Chapter 2. I told him that maybe he isn't where he is supposed to be or maybe God is just waiting for him to include Him in this aspect of his life. I think it really got through to him. He went upstairs and got his bible and we spent time together there reading. We then went to the kitchen, I had hot chocolate, he had strawberry milk (I know, what are we 3? :) ) and we just talked. It carried upstairs to our room and we talked until we fell asleep. He also just told me how in love with me he is. I really needed to hear it. It was an amazing night.

His Wife ~ Chapter 1

2009-01-05T19:37:00.002-06:00

I am reading the book The Power of a Praying Wife by Stormie Omartain. I will be posting everyday my notes from the book.

I have taken out some exerts from the book that I italicised and then put my thoughts underneath them.

"God considers the sins of uforgiveness, anger, hatred, self-pity, lovelessness, and revenge to be just as bad as any others."
Self-pity is a big one for me. I feel so sorry for myself sometimes. For the life I lost and the new elements that have now been brought into my life. It's hard for me to accept the death of the whole family I wanted. To know that there is someone else who will be in our lives for ever, not just the baby, but his mother as well. I know that self-pity is not helpful and holds me back, but I guess I just don't know how to let go of that dream. Something else I will be praying for.

"One of the greatest gifts you can give your husband is your own wholeness."
That is so scary for me. I did give him everything once and I was brought to the point of death. Just the physical pain from the affair nearly killed me. Since then I have built walls. I know it, I don't deny it, but I feel like its self preservation. Like I am no longer that woman I was before, so easy to give my "wholeness" to him. If he ever cheated again, I don't think it would be as painful as it was the first time...it could never be. I would leave, which would be hard, but I would have the strength to do it. I feel like I can't just let him have all of me again. Maybe that's the problem though. Maybe I shouldn't have given all of myself to him in the first place. God needs to have top priority...I will pray for that too.

"What I'm saying is that your attitude must be, "Whatever You want, Lord. Show me and I'll so it." It means being willing to die to yourself and say, "Change me Lord."
I have been working on this for a while. I know God knows what's best for me much better than I do. I want to live up to the potential that the Lord set for me. I know with the Lord's strength I will be able to do anything.

"...create in me a clean and right spirit before You. Give me a new, positive, joyful, loving, forgiving attitude toward him."
I find this difficult, especially when dealing with the baby. I have been really crying out the Lord to change my attitude. I haven't been very successful. Another thing to pray for.

"Help me not to hold myself apart from him emotionally, mentally, or physically because of unforgivness."
I feel like sometimes I do hold back, not because of unforgivness, but because Satan starts whispering in my ears and I listen. Sometimes when we are intimate, I start to compare myself to those other women, wondering if he is thinking of them, wondering if he compares me to them. I know these thoughts are not of the Spirit. These thoughts bring my self esteem down and hurt my spirit. I find myself sometimes holding back...I don't want to be this way. I want to enjoy my husband without hearing those words from the enemy. I need to be more bold.

The Lord will always give us words to say, and show us when to say them if we ask Him.
I have a big mouth...surprise, surprise. I want to really go to the Lord and be wise about the words I choose to say, not only to him, but to everyone.

"...the heart of your home is a peaceful sanctuary-a source of contentment, acceptance, rejuvenation, nurturing, rest and love for your family...Ask the Lord to show you how to make your home a safe haven that builds up your family-a place where creativity flows and communication is ongoing."
I really struggle with this. I cannot seem to keep my house in order. I try and try, but I feel like I have four people always undoing all the things I have done. I really need to go to the Lord about this, ask Him to make my heart show through the home I keep and to help me keep it the way it should be kept.

"Show me how to dismantle this barrier over my emotions that keeps me from having the unconditional love You want me to have...Give me Your heart for him, Lord, and help me to see him the way You see him."
If anything in this chapter spoke to me, it was this. The barriers that hold back all my love from him...its a hard thing to tear down. Oh God, help me! I so want those barriers gone, but the scary side is overwhelming.

At the end of every chapter, there is a prayer for that day. I pulled out the pieces that I feel I need to work on and pray to God about.

Prayer Portion

"Help me put aside any hurt, anger or disappointment...I release my husband from the burden of fulfilling me in areas where I should be looking to You...Where love has died, create new love between us...I pray that our commitment to You and to another will grow stronger and more passionate every day...Breathe Your life into our marriage...Help me see him with new eyes, new appreciation, new love, new compassion, and new acceptance. Give my husband a new wife, and let it be me."

Let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart. ~ Galatians 6:9

Sometimes it felt like the things she was telling women to get over were just so petty...you know? If those were only my issues...it all seems so trivial. Yeah, women need to not nag, not over expect, but me? I just want my husband faithful. There was nothing I could have done to keep him from cheating. It would have happened regardless. Maybe praying would have helped, but he was already so far gone. He worked so many hours, I never did see him. He lied to me about what was going on, how could I have changed that? I was always understanding, always helpful, always looking out for him. But there in lies the problem...I keep looking to the past. I don't bring up the past to him, but I always feel the enemy in my ear...shouting all my insecurities.

I am taking a stand, pushing the enemy away, putting God in the place of my strength, and praying for my husband and marriage. I love him so much. Did I tell you he has been working on a letter for me all weekend. He probably put in six hours. He is such a different guy now and he deserves a better wife. I love him with all my heart. I'll let you know how it goes.

Long Time No Write

2009-01-05T13:17:00.008-06:00

So its been a while since I posted last, except this morning of course. Can't not post my Not Me Monday! I wanted to give everyone updates about what I've been doing.

Thursday we went over to my husband's parent's house to have Christmas. The kids got more gifts there than they did all day Christmas Day. His parents go WAY OVERBOARD. Do you see the gifts behind the seven kids...yeah, those are just for them from the grandparents. Lets not also count the presents from the aunts and uncles. We barely made it home with everything. Mr B and I also went out to see Twilight, but it was sold out. Gosh darn it, I want to see it so bad...does that make me a Twight?

Friday, Mr B had to work, but I spent the day at home, cleaning the house since we were having people over that night. The kids woke up sick, so I tended to them...they are still a little sick, but getting better. I then cooked dinner for our impending guests, chicken enchiladas anyone?, and got myself ready. Belle was happy to keep watching Dora as she posed for a picture with me. People came over at 10.30, Mr B didn't get home until 1.15 AM...fun fun. We watched Tropic Thunder while we waited for Mr B...so hilarious!

Saturday, I woke up sick (surprise, surprise) and Mr B was still sick, so he let his parents pick up the baby and visit with him. Mr B went to the nurses office in our local grocery store (keep the snickering to yourself) and was diagnosed with laryngitis. Mr B and I slept as much as we could, then I got up about 5 and since Raef and Marcus were sleeping, Belle and I went out on a little shopping trip. I picked up Power of A Praying Wife, which I am starting today. I will be posting my daily feelings, thoughts, whatevers, on here to sort of keep a journal. I also went to Hobby Lobby and got the above cross with all the kids pictures and the below humongous scroll thing, all half off of course. My dear sister in law gave me the crosses above the scroll and I got the angel and other two ornaments 75% off at Target...it was a great shopping weekend.

Yesterday, we went to church. It was a great service. He spoke to us about regrets. He quoted Jim Rohn saying, "We must all suffer from one of two pains: the pain of discipline or the pain of regret. The difference is discipline weighs ounces while regret weighs tons. That really hit home for me. Pastor then challenged us to find three characteristics we admire and practice them all week. I am still thinking about mine. We then came home and I made a huge breakfast. Sausage, eggs, biscuits, gravy, and french toast. After that, we slept until about 5...yeah, we do a lot of sleeping in our house. We then spent the remaining time we had left just being together. It was a nice weekend.

Not Me Monday...Part 4

2009-01-05T11:18:00.003-06:00

Would I ever not let my children open their new cabbage patch doll, princess barbies, dinosaurs, coloring books, etc, only to hold them ransom until the kids finished the chores I wanted them to do? Only letting them open these gifts from their grandparents one by one as each chore was completed? Would I EVER, EVER still have most of those gifts still packed away, contemplating wrapping some of them for Belle's birthday on the 24th? You guys know me better than that. That is just plain mean!

I also didn't pimp out my husband on Craigs List to give hair cuts. He does cut his own hair, our sons hair and many of his friends hair, but I wouldn't sell his talents. I also am not a little sad no one has emailed me...

Mr B and I don't have a contest to see who can suck out the biggest boogers from Marcus. Marcus totally enjoys the nose sucker, and Mr B and I don't ohh and ahh at the big ol boogers that boy produces. That would be gross.

I did not spend all day Friday cleaning our house, taking care of three sick kids, cooking dinner, and getting ready for friends to come over, just to have Mr B not get off until 1 AM. He is supposed to be off by 8.30. I was not T.I.C.K.E.D...

I did not become ecstatic when I tried on a size 8 dress at Target, only to find it was too big. I was so sad when I had to buy the 6. :)

Mr B and I did not "know" each other this weekend only for me to realize on Sunday that I was ovulating...dear Jesus, help me.

I Shouldn't Have, But I Did

2009-01-02T18:03:00.002-06:00

I promised myself I would never add a playlist...NEVER. I hated them when I went to other people's blogs, I would always have to put my computer on mute so I could read the posts. Well, I have now fallen into the trap, but for you fine readers, it won't just start when you come on over. I know, I'm always watchin out for ya! If you want to listen, go down to the bottom and push play. There are some pretty kick @$$ songs on there...if not, well, you just suck! Just kidding, I still love ya. But who doesn't like a little FlyLeaf? I mean come on, a christian girl singing an awesome version of rock. Doesn't get much better than that!

Wordless Wednesday...Part 2 & With Words

2008-12-31T13:18:00.001-06:00

His one and only Christmas present...I thinks he's gonna have some words with Santa.

Bipolar?

2008-12-30T21:15:00.002-06:00

Today is Tuesday, so its time for me to go to my dark corner and type...type about the pain, cry the tears of agony, and wallow in my self pity...oh wait, what's this...happiness?

Today, I find myself in a great mood. Happy with my husband, scratch that, totally in love with my husband. What's going on? Where is my Tuesday gloom? I don't know where its gone, but I'm pretty sure its out partying with my favorite sock that has gone missing from the dryer.

Today, I feel free, at peace and as I said before, in love with my husband. Maybe I'm ovulating? No, that's no it. Maybe its my migraine medication...no, haven't taken any today. Perhaps its that I have fallen in love with a fictional vampire (Edward anyone?)...Somehow I doubt it. Perhaps its the sugar high I am on from the Wal-Mart banana popsicles Mr B went out to get me at 1 AM on Sunday night...no, I've only had four today. Perhaps then, its God giving me a glimpse. A glimpse into the future, near or far, or maybe a glimpse inside my and/or my husband's hearts.

Whatever it is, I am sure enjoying it. Life seems complete...well, it has less pits anyway. I like this new outlook of hope and love. And now, I am walking the faith...won't you join me?

Not Me Monday...Part 4

2008-12-29T10:34:00.011-06:00

We totally did dedicate our kids to the Lord yesterday at church with our family and friends present, however, my youngest would never pee a stream of urine onto the stage while we were up there. The ~~inept~~ lovely ladies that were taking care of him in the nursery prior to our dedication totally checked to make sure they were putting a size 3 diaper on him instead of his brother's size 5, so there would be NO gaps allowing a straight shot of pee in front of the entire congregation. I will not be teasing him about it for the rest of his life.

My brother from California did not buy my 16 year old brother a AK47 pellet gun from China for Christmas. And since this gun does not exist, we did not stage my five month old holding it for an impromptu photo shoot. What kind of mother would I be?

I did not take pictures of Marcus just this morning for his 5 month old pics with Eeyore...why, that would be 5 days late and I am never, ever late.

My husband did not wait until Christmas Eve to get me a gift, but didn't get out of work until after all the stores closed, so I did not get the said gift (or any gift) from him on Christmas. So, I would never think in return that since today is his birthday, no gift for him? I am above such things!

The neighbors didn't come over and offer to give us there boys old toys. We didn't gladly accept and then set them under the tree, unwrapped as Christmas gifts...ok, we did.

Update On Belle's Heart

2008-12-24T12:03:00.003-06:00

We went this morning to see a cardiologist who specializes in children at the local childrens hospital. Belle has had a small hole in her heart since she was born. We were advised to get an echo, which confirmed the hole the doctors and nurses heard in the hospital. Our action plan was to watch her and every six months we would get another echo. Last February, we went for our six month echo checkup and everything looked good. Our pediatrician said it was still there, but didn't seem to be affecting her, so we could move to yearly echos. Today was the yearly echo...I would have done it in February, but the darn deductible starts over in January, so here we are.

The doctor walked into the room, listened and ordered an echo, which worried me a bit. We went in, did the echo and Belle did really well. The doctor came in and gave us the results of the tests, no hole...it is gone! Praise God!

Thank you all for praying. That truly is a miraculous gift from God, just in time for Christmas!

A New Beginning...Again?

2008-12-23T12:39:00.002-06:00

As I have said before, I will no longer be seeing the baby until I feel that my children are no longer at risk. With child abuse allegations come serious inquiry and I am not putting my family in this kind of jeopardy. I have been very clear as to where the line is drawn and I refuse to waiver.

So last night, Mr B informs me that along with seeing the baby on Saturday, he will be bringing him to Christmas the following Thursday. I then told him, "You know if the baby is there, I won't be". For some reason, he was surprised and all be it, a little angry. "You will have witnesses." he says, "It will be fine. You just are using this whole thing to not have to see the baby." I can't say that this whole not seeing the baby thing has been easier...it totally has, but I did see the baby, even when it was hard. I was the one that pushed to see him, but when the allegations came, Mama Bear came out. Mr B said, "Then you just won't be there." Maybe its selfish, but that really hurt. I know the baby won't remember and Mr B will see him on Saturday, so I feel like I should be able to enjoy my kids having Christmas with their grandparents. Mr B and I always tell each other that we are most important to each other, over our kids. But when he picked the baby over me, it cut deep. I could have made Mr B choose keep the baby and I leave or not see him at all, but I didn't. Am I asking too much? My prayer is that in the next few years, when the baby doesn't remember, I can learn to accept him into our family without the pain I get when I see him, but I'm not there yet. Well, I cried and cried and cried.

This morning, when we woke up, a lot of pent up emotions came flooding out. Over the last month or so, I feel like Mr B has stopped trying...not that he doesn't love me, but it feels like he doesn't think love should be work. I would send him text messages at work telling him I loved him, but no texts in return. When we were really working on our marriage, I would get five text messages a day. But now, he is too busy.

I had also commented to him several times in the past few weeks that I am so grateful about how much he loves on Belle. He showers her with hugs and kisses, lights up when he sees her and just adores all aspects of her. I told him that I wanted that too. That I want to feel special just like she does.

He never seem to grasp what I was saying or was just too lazy to implement it. With all of this lack of action, I stopped too. I know I shouldn't have, but there is just a point I reached when I had no more to give. I told him I was tired of being an after thought that I want to be important to him and that I don't feel I am.

I also asked him if he had gotten me a Christmas gift. He said "When do I have time to go get you a gift?" and that to me says it all right there. When something is important to you, you make it happen. I got his gift six weeks ago because I put a lot of thought into it and I wanted it to be special. Christmas would have come and gone and he probably wouldn't have said anything. Its not about the gift...I could care less, its really the thought. He could have written me a letter and it would have meant more to me than anything he could have purchased.

He also asked me if I had thought about leaving him. The thought had crossed my mind, but it isn't something I want to do. I want to be with him, love on him and feel the same in return. I just want to so bad what I can't have. A whole family, a perfect family, a husband who adores me, who would never betray me...but all of that is impossible. Please pray for me. I don't even know what for, but my thoughts are so clouded. I just need it.

He says he gets it now. He read my post last night that I wrote when I was in a dark place, when I was losing hope. I think it helped to open his eyes. He says he will try harder. I sent him a text this morning and he already sent one back! A good sign :)

Also, on another note, we are going to the local children's hospital tomorrow to see a cardiologist about Belle's heart. She has had a murmur since she was born. Please pray that it has closed and all is well. That would be the best Christmas present we could get. Thank you so much.

Not Me Monday...Part 3

2008-12-22T00:08:00.005-06:00

Its that day again, yo...so check me out.

I did not spend the night at my parents house on Saturday, even though I knew we would have to get up super early to trek it back 45 minutes to church. I then did not realize, when I woke up and finished my shower, that I did not have any clean underwear. My husband would never suggest I borrow a pair of my sixteen year old brother's underwear. He then did not go on to tell me that I was not allowed to wear my previous said underwear, due to the "shower" rule. (Shower Rule - Once you take a shower, you must wear new underwear...if you don't shower, you may wear your previous days, dirty (ahem!) underwear.) He would never tell me that he would not be showering, therefore, he would be wearing his underwear...that would just be gross. I did not go commando to church. Who would do that? Of course I would find some sort of fig leaves and McGuyver them into a very respectable undergarment.

We then did not go to Home Depot to try to find Mr B's brother and nephew a gift because we are all out of money, but had a little bit of "money" on the Home Depot Consumer Card. We did not wander around for an hour looking for something that would be suitable. We didn't end up calling his side of the family and move Christmas out seven days to New Years Day, just so we could have one more pay day to buy gifts. We did not leave Home Depot with $70 worth of stuff and no presents.

When I did get home with our Christmas pictures and Santa pictures, I did not open my Christmas scrapbook to find dried out sugar cookie dough smashed between the pages leaving huge grease spots. I would never give my children cookie dough and they would certainly not put it in a book that means so much to me. My kids are perfect angels, halo's and all.

Speaking of my angelic children, I did not go into the kitchen to find my first born son dunking my Coach bag into the dogs water bowl. I did not freak out because I am the epitome of the role model parent. I of course calmly took my overpriced purse, sifted through the myriad of ink stained, non-readable Christmas receipts, and magically restored them to perfect reading condition. Not that I will need the receipts...China is known for their quality toys. Shew, dodged a bullet there.

All this in one day...God bless Sundays.

Do I Have To Pay For Raef's Therapy?

2008-12-19T20:18:00.008-06:00

Last night Mr B got home right around midnight...I didn't want to take any medicine until he got home, just because it's hard enough to watch three little ones hyped up on caffeine...last thing I needed to do was be zoning out and be the only adult home, you know? Least to say, I was very unhappy. I told him that he would be taking care of the baby tonight when Marcus woke up. If I was even going to stand a chance of feeling better, I needed to get some rest. He begrudgingly, and wisely may I add, agreed.

Well, Marcus is no where close to sleeping through the night. I am lucky to get three hours straight. Last night was no different, so around 5.00 AM, Mr B gave up..."let him cry it out". That would be fine with me except his crib is right next to our bed. Are you kidding me?Somehow Mr B can sleep through it, but I can't. Marcus just wanted to be up and entertained, so I obliged...til 6.45 AM. Finally, peace.

At 10.00 AM, my doorbell rang. I had a momentary laps in judgment and I thought it was animal control...different story for a different day. No, it was my mom. I was supposed to have the kids ready to go see Santa at 10. Well, they were all sleeping, including me. My mom, who is such a saint, helped to get them ready, cleared my dishwasher and refilled it and even helped Belle clean her room. Told you she's a saint.

Off we went to see Santa. Can I tell you how terrified Raef was? Poor boy.

Can you tell that my mom had to shove him in there? I also only later realized that I took the pictures and ran. Belle didn't even get to talk to him. I feel terrible. I might go ahead and take her again this weekend, just so she can talk to Santa. I can just think what the Elf behind the camera was thinking of me.

We then headed off to Panera to meet my Aunt Julie for lunch. We got there and it was a mad house, so we opted for Rain Forest Cafe which is just across the way from Panera. If you have never been there, it looks like a tropical rain forest with waterfalls, gorillas, elephant, monkey, talking trees, huge butterflies and such...did I mention the gorillas and elephants 'come to life' every 15 minutes and every 30 minutes there is a thunderstorm? Can you see where this is going? I think poor Raef was going to have a nervous breakdown. I could feel the anxiety just radiating off the boy. Those gorillas would hoot and holler...he would just stare at them, concerned as to why we weren't running.

After our adventure in the jungle, we finally made it home and guess what? My little tykes were tuckered out.

So today was a very good day! Pray for me tomorrow. I am having some real anxiety about Mr B seeing the boy. It just scares me to death, the possibilities. I also want to tell you how much better I am feeling. No stuffiness and only a slight headache. Whoa the power of prayer. I humbly thank you.

I Think I Deserve A Gold Star

2008-12-18T21:02:00.002-06:00

I packed the kids up and took them to Wal-Mart. This is the first time I have ventured out with all three of them by myself. Let me add that Mr Marcus is not longer in an infant carrier, so three kids and little 'ol me. Can't you just imagine? Raef in the cart seat, Marcus in the cart laying on two blankets and Belle riding on the cart...yeah, it was a zoo. But Marcus fell asleep and everyone just needed to talk to me about my hoard of kids. It was ok though. At least I got to talk to adults.

We went to Wal-Mart to pick up some prescriptions, but I am not about to waste a day out of the house. So we got supplies to make Christmas cookies. Oh, you want my recipe...ok, but know that it's a secret and I am only telling you because, well, your just so gosh darn good to me!

First, you buy a roll of sugar cookie dough...I know, it's complicated. Then,you roll out the dough and cut out shapes. Not with scissors people, but with cookie cutters or the opening of a glass. 350 for nine minutes and pull them out. Be sure to wear your oven mitt. Let cool, eat a few...then, the most important part...wait for it, wait for it...you break out the Duncan Hines White Frosting. Ice 'em up, sprinkle a little glitter (red or green preferred) and **WAH-LA**, homemade Christmas cookies. I know, I should be Martha Stewart. Let me know if you want me to autograph the recipe.

So I get home and I bake a few cookies. I wrap a few presents, including The Other's baby and a gift for her other son. That wasn't so easy. Actually, it sucked, but I am trying to be a cheerful giver...I have the giver part down, but not so much the cheerful. While we are on the topic, I have a complaint. The Other is buying the baby a Power Wheel for Christmas. You know, the kind they get in and ride...let me refresh your memory...he will be one in January. My kids, they are getting Chutes and Latters, Candy Land, and a few DVD's. Nothing over $10. I know its Satan whispering in my ear, getting my jealousy gland going, but its hard to struggle every month, pay her child support, and get my kids such simple gifts. I know its not about the gifts, but this is Belle's first Christmas where she understands. I really want her to light up when she opens her presents. I just don't feel like its fair.

I have to complain one more time...last time I promise. I think I am coming down with a sinus infection. My throat hurts and I feel all stuffed up behind my nose and eyes. I called Mr B at 4, wanting to tell him that I wasn't feeling well and if he could try and make it home as soon as he could I would appreciate it. When he answered he immediately asked me if he could call me back in just a second. Sure thing. Well, that was five hours ago. I know he's really busy and he probably just forgot, but when do you say "Hey, I need you to pay attention to me. I need you to put me first or at least call me back."? It just drives me crazy.

I think Wal-Mart really zapped the kids energy because at least two of them have been sleeping at a time since we got home. Or maybe God is taking care of His girl...yeah, I like that better.

Can I also tell you that I am a regifter? I know its terrible, but I am totally selling stuff I got last year on Craig's List...so if any of you are looking for a Britney Spears three piece perfume set, by all means let me know! It's a steal at $10. I am also selling a Louis Vuitton Cherry Blossom Wallet...$175. I got it as a gift a few years back and I have never used it. I figure these days, when money is tight I could do without it...it just stares at me anyway. Oh yeah, one more thing, my Christian Dior Pink Satin Purse....crazy me bought it in Vegas for $850 **gasp! I know, ridiculous. Oh when cash was a plenty...those were the days.

I am very thankful that even though money is tight, we still have a warm house filled with the smell of Christmas cookies and children. What could be better than that?

Correspondence

2008-12-17T19:04:00.003-06:00

I want to thank you all for your wonderful support you gave me yesterday. Yes, I had a very bad day. Today, is much better. I often hear from those who have lost a loved one that grief comes in waves. Well, my sadness does too. I am happy to report however, that for the most part, my bad days are few and far between, but I do blog my true self. If it is a crappy day, I will let you know. I don't censor myself or try to make everyone comfortable. This is my journey and sometimes it just sucks.

I appreciate all of you praying for me through the gunk. When a comment is left for me, you have no worldly idea what it means to me. The prayers and words of encouragement from strangers really lifts me up. I believe God sent all of you my way, knowing I just need some good words that aren't from my mom! However, when I feel criticized in a comment, it does hurt and I will dwell on it probably more than I should. I want you to know that all the mean things anyone could think or say to me, I have already said to myself. I look back and wonder what I could have done differently. I know I cannot change anything now and I am working very hard to look to the future with a smile. You all are apart of my journey. I feel honored to have you on board.

I also want to let everyone know that if you ever have an issue, I will always be here to talk. So many of you have been so gracious to me, there is no way to thank you. I have set up an email address at BellesMyGirl@GMail.com if you want to email me. I also met this week an incredible woman who has been where I am. She was courageous enough to leave a comment, even though no one else knows. This email address is for such a circumstance. I love hearing from everyone and promise to "hit cha back"!

God bless you all and again, I covet your prayers. I am a long way from fixed, but I know one day I will be.

Wordless Wednesday

2008-12-17T13:29:00.003-06:00

The Blog Frog

2008-12-17T12:39:00.005-06:00

I don't know if you have seen the Blog Frog on my sidebar, but it is super cool! It tells you when people come to your site from a friends. I just love it! There are also a bunch of other interesting things The Blog Frog does. Check it out for yourself!

Hurting

2008-12-16T20:19:00.002-06:00

Today has been a hard day. My heart is heavy. Today is the first time I have cried in a week, but it seemed to rush out. I feel like its not working...Mr B and myself, like we are far apart. I hate feeling this way. I want so badly to be happy and feel real joy again, but I can't seem to find it.

I feel like the part of my heart that holds Mr B is empty, not because I want it to be. I want so much for us to be close, but we aren't. I put my trust in Jesus, but it doesn't stop the hurt. I hurt so very deeply. I hurt for what was supposed to be and I hurt for the shell of a person I am now. I hurt that I will not be the only one to bear Mr B's children and I hurt for my own children who will one day know that daddy betrayed mommy. Without Christ, it would be too much to bear.

Will the pain ever go away? Will I ever feel normal again? I pray for it. I put wear on my knees and pound heaven's door, to no avail. Be still, and know that I am God. ~ Psalm 46:10

I did my rounds to my favorite blogs today, and while at Jenn's and reading her words of pain, a beautiful song broke through...

Sometimes the way is lonely
And steep and filled with pain
So if your sky is dark and pours the rain, then
Cry to Jesus
Cry to Jesus
Cry to Jesus and live!

Lonely...Yes. Painful...Very. The tears are furious. The ache is throbbing. All I have is Jesus.

Update on The Other

2008-12-15T12:22:00.002-06:00

Just wanted to give you a quick update. When we met with the social worker, we made an agreement that Mr B wouldn't see the baby for two weeks, so the bruises had time to go away. Well, on Friday, The Other called and asked Mr B if he would be taking the baby on Saturday. Mr B said no, that he had made an agreement with the social worker not to see the baby for two weeks. The Other then preceded to tell Mr B she had talked to the social worker and that she said he could take the baby if he wanted to since it was a court order and no abuse was found. Mr B said he still didn't think it was a good idea (not telling The Other about wanting to have him after the bruises were gone) but he would be picking him up starting next week. The Other seemed agitated telling Mr B he needs to be seeing his son and he really should come get him on Saturday. Mr B held firm.

What I don't understand is why she is so persistent. Why would she want someone who she accused his wife, me, of abuse, having her son? I don't know whats going on...I just don't get her. Any thoughts?

Not Me Monday...Part 2

2008-12-15T11:09:00.002-06:00

It's here again...Not Me Monday! Click on the button above to see MckMama's not me's and all the other MckFlurries who contributed this week.

I did not buy my husband a package of Pillsbury Peanut Butter Cup Big Deluxe Cookies, only to bake them four at a time, three times last week and share them with the kids. I mean, I would NEVER just bake them for myself and blame it on the kids. They definitely are not THE.BEST.COOKIES.EVER!!! Plus, eating them for dinner is totally nutritious and completely on my diet, because, they are totally calorie free (ahem!) and packed with vitamins and nutrients.

I did accidentally let a pen roll into our lint vent on the dryer, but I didn't call my mom and ask her if it was still ok to use. After her telling me it was probably ok to use, I would never call my husband because that wasn't the answer I wanted. I mean, I LOVE doing laundry. He then didn't proceed to tell me not to use it which I then didn't smile and dream of days without laundry. He didn't end up fixing it this morning (5 days later) and I am not now paying for it by having more laundry to do than ever.

I didn't dream last night that I was a hooker...and my husband was only ONE of my clients.

I didn't catch Raef giving Marcus a taste of Kool-Aid via his sippy cup. I then didn't go over and give some to Marcus myself, just to see his reaction...my goodness, the boy is not even five months old...what kind of parent would I be?

Friday Freebie

2008-12-12T16:28:00.005-06:00

Today is Heidi's Friday Freebie. Head on over there to see how you can ~~steal~~ win some great loot. Super cute stuff for a baby in your life, and you know I got plenty of those.

Today, my mom came over, God bless her, to help me get some errands done. I would have left her home with the kids just so I could go, but my poor kids haven't been out of the house since Sunday...the snow is in melty patches in the grass and when the kids went outside, they went berserk, stepping in it and such, so excited to be playing in the snow. It was really sad.

Our steps still have ice on them, so in all my brilliance, we went out of the house through the garage. I closed the garage door from the inside and preceded to **hop** over the laser so the garage would close completely. As I watch it go all the way down, my breathing starts to get faster.

I left the house keys in the house...I left the house keys in the house...I left the house keys in the house... I left the house keys in the house!!!!

So off we go to see daddy and get the house keys...I am such a smart cookie. I call Mr B to tell him we are on our way. No big deal, he's only 20 minutes away. Well, only 20 minutes away when the highway isn't DOWN TO ONE LANE!!!

An Hour later, we pull into his work and I call him to tell him we are outside.

Him: Do you have the Explorer keys?

Me: Yes (duh!) I am driving the Explorer.

Him: Babe...there is a house key on that set of keys.

Me: (Silence)...

I look down at the keys and sure enough, one Explore key, one remote box, and ONE house key. For goodness sake, there are only two keys on this ring and I just drove an hour to get it.

Back through traffic, to the store where I pop in without the kids as my mom sits in the car with them...did I tell you she's a saint?

Once we get home, I sit down on the couch EXHAUSTED! The ~~creepiest~~ best show is on and my kids are psyched. Ever heard of Yo Gabba Gabba? There must be some real winners ~~smoking crack~~ coming up with these episodes.

Its fun to brush your teeth
Its fun to brush your teeth
Its fun to brush your teeth

Turn on the water
Turn on the water
Turn on the water

Ok, enough of my off pitch rendition of Yo Gabba Gabba's robot singing about personal hygiene. Like I said, my kids and I were zombies, zoning out to this nonsense, that was until Elijah Wood guess starred and wanted to teach my kids how to dance. Here I am, watching Froto working the "PuppetMaster" with a green striped monster who's arms obviously need to have corrective surgery. Luckily that snapped me back to reality.

Speaking of crazy kids shows, see what a completely different Heidi has to say to Dora. OMGoodness, probably the funniest thing I have read in a really long time. I am kinda sad I didn't write it myself.

Have a great weekend!

Cristmas Pictures

2008-12-11T12:27:00.005-06:00

I didn't say anything, but on Sunday a photographer came to the house to take Christmas pictures/family pictures. He was really great, but least to say my kids weren't...of course! We had to get up earlier than usual to go to the early service at church. I wanted to be able to have enough time to re-bathe them if necessary and get them lunch so they wouldn't be hungry and/or cranky.

All this planning and in the end, Marcus wasn't even there! Ok...well, he was there, but he turned into some kind of cranky, angry, hair pulling baby. Instantly the baby from The Incredibles comes to mind. That was Marcus...he just lost his mind. If you notice at the end, in the Marcus only shots, he is holding onto something...yeah, that would be my hair. He had a death grip on it...here I am, trying to get him to laugh by blowing on his tummy and what does he do, try to rip my scalp off. Come on dude, I spent nine months growing you, the least you could do is let me look decent for ONE DAY!

Anyway, I think a lot of the pictures turned out really great. I did notice my family curse...the dreaded Check...translation - Chin and Neck morph into one. Its gross and embarrassing. I wonder if he can Photoshop that out? And while he's at it, thin out my eyebrows...what was I thinking? They are out of control and I apologize.

And yes, Belle is wearing her Easter dress...come on people, I have three kids under three. I have learned the art of multi-tasking and buying when things are on sale...you know, like buying an Easter dress AND taking Easter pictures in December. I think its rather clever.

I am so glad Christmas pictures are only once a year. Next year I will be adding a little white pill...Zoloft anyone? The doctor will prescribe those right?

Blue Rue Studio